Thursday, June 2, 1983

John sat silently in his black suit, trying not to fidget too much. He had never been to a graduation before, and now he was glad that he hadn't. It wasn't exactly the most exciting event. But he was there for Nell. There were hundreds of other well-dressed people sitting around him. Gamma and his Grandfather were sitting to his left, and to his right there were two empty seats. They were reserved for his parents. It had been six months since he had seen them last. They had been planning to come home mid- May and stay all the way through June. Of course, that plan hadn't lasted long. They had called and said they were terribly sorry, but they were only going to be able to stay a week. Then a week became four days, and then three. They planned on arriving early that morning and leaving Saturday night, on John's birthday.

Gamma looked over at the empty seats and sighed in aggravation. Things had become very tense between herself, her son, and her daughter-in- law lately. She was constantly begging them to come home, and they were constantly distancing themselves from the rest of their family. She looked at her watch, and gave her husband a worried look.

"I'm sure they'll be here," John Sr. said.

On stage, the graduates had been filing across for 20 minutes or so. "Henry Cameron," the announcer said. The boy received his diploma, as his family clapped for him. "Lisa Candington." Nell was now only one person away from the platform. "George Carrier." Nell was next, and her parents had still not arrived. "Eleanor Carter," the announcer said. Nell hesitated a moment, then walked across the stage and received her diploma. Her family and the rest of the crowd clapped politely. A quick scan showed her that her parents were not there. She frowned, then went to sit with her fellow classmates.

Gamma gave her husband a pointed look, to which he could only shake his head.

John also noted the empty seat beside him. He was infuriated for his sister, and he knew she must be, too. This was her high school graduation, something that only happened once in a person's life. And her parents had missed it. John had tried to tell himself, when he was younger, that his parents really cared about him and Nell more than money and more than traveling. Now he was almost 13, and much wiser. He saw his parents in the light of what they really were. And he did not like it at all.

The announcer was to 'Frederick Listow" when Jack and Eleanor finally arrived. Gamma held her tongue and said nothing, for the moment. Jack sat down next to John.

"Sorry we're late. We had to take a later flight out of Venice and it cost us a couple of hours," Jack said.

"You missed it," John said tersely.

"Oh," was all Jack could manage. Eleanor did not even look at her son, whom she hadn't seen in half a year. She just sat staring icily at the stage.

After the ceremony, the family rode home for the customary party. Many of Nell's friends stopped by and offered words of encouragement and well-wishes to her. The majority of the party guests were her parents' friends and business acquaintances, as usual.

John was bored out of his mind, and was very grateful when the party finally ended. He immediately changed out of his suit into sweatpants and a T-shirt. He wandered down the stairs, and stopped when he heard the sound of voices coming from the sitting room to his right. He slowly approached the door, not sure if he wanted to make his presence known and risk getting sucked into another argument. The door was closed, so he pressed his ear to it. He could clearly hear the voices, for they were shouting quite loudly.

"We said we were sorry Nell. I don't know what else to say," Jack said.

"Of course you're sorry. You're always sorry!" Nell shouted back.

"That's no way to speak to your father," Eleanor said calmly.

"My father? My father! How can you call yourselves my parents? You're not here. You don't know anything . You don't know anything about me or what I want to do with my life. And you don't even care, do you?"

"Nell, of course we care," Jack said, getting a little irritated.

"Oh really?" Nell snapped. "Then where am I going to college?"

"Switzerland," Eleanor answered calmly.

"all right, and what am I majoring in?" There was an awkward pause from both her parents. John let out a sigh. They really didn't care. He tried to convince himself they cared at least a little, but they didn't. They dismissed his wanting to be a doctor, too. The memory of Bobby hung over both of them and clouded their every thought; his mother more than his father. "Architecture. I'm going to be an architect," Nell said from inside the room.

Another pause. "Well that's wonderful dear. We're very happy for you," Jack said trying to sound enthusiastic.

Nell let out a furious breath. "No you're not! Nothing's ever going to make you happy. There's only one thing that could ever make you happy, and that's impossible. It's not going to happen!" No one had to voice what that one thing was, because everyone knew. But Jack and Eleanor refused to believe it was a problem. The sound of someone stomping toward the door startled John. He quickly tried to get away from the door, and just barely missed it hitting him when it was flung open in anger. Nell burst through it, on the verge of tears.

"Nell," John said. But his sister shoved past him, and headed straight for the stairs. He hurried after her, shouting her name. Gamma had heard all the noise and came into the front hall. She arrived in time to see Nell and John leaving, and drew her own conclusions. She took a deep breath to calm herself before entering the room with Jack and Eleanor.

John knocked on the door to his sister's room. After a minute, the door unlocked and opened. John entered to see his sister crying. She walked over to her drawer, and continued stuffing her things into a suitcase. She stopped and turned around and headed for her window sill, where she sat down. John sat down next to her. "You ok?" he asked.

She sniffed. "Yeah, yeah I'm fine," she said.

John searched for a moment for something to say. "I'm proud of you," he finally said.

She laughed through her tears. "For what?"

"For graduating. But mostly, for standing up to Mom and Dad."

Nell looked at her brother. He was a lot smarter and a lot more perceptive than he looked. "Yeah well, you just make sure you don't let them drag you down. You're too good for that."

"They're good people, Nell. Their just.... confused."

"Maybe," Nell said. "But you would think that after 4 years..." she trailed off.

"Doesn't it still make you sad to think about it?" John asked.

"Of course it does. But you have to face the facts. Of course I'm sad that Bobby died, but there's a point where you just need to move on."

"Yeah, I guess you're right," John said.

"Well, the only good thing about them being gone is that we don't have to deal with them much."

John looked at the ground. "I still wish they were home more," he said quietly.

"I'll just be glad when I'm away from this place for good. Then I won't have to deal with them or this stupid family ever again," Nell said.

"Were you packing?" John asked.

Nell nodded. "Yeah. Yeah I talked to the university in Switzerland last week, and they set me up with a family there that is willing to let me stay at their house over the summer so I can learn Swiss and French. Which is great, because it gets me away from this whole family. The sooner the better."

"That's great," John said, with false enthusiasm.

"Hey," Nell said, wrapping an arm around her little brother's shoulder. "I'm gonna miss you, Scrub." He looked over at her, them put his head on her shoulder and cried.

Half an hour later, Nell and thought it would be safe to go downstairs. She knocked on the door to the room where her parents had been, hoping they would not walk in on another argument.

"Come in," Jack's voice said.

She entered to find him alone in the room. "Hi," she said.

"Hello Nell," he said, attempting a smile.

"Um, Dad? Can I talk to you for a minute?" She asked.

"Sure," he said.

She settled into a seat across from him. She took a moment to think of how she was going to say this. "Dad, I just wanted to tell you that I'm going to Switzerland."

"I know, dear. I think it's wonderful-"

"This Sunday," she said, cutting him off.

He sat silently for a moment. "Oh," he said finally.

"I mean, I know it won't matter much to you but I don't know how to tell Gamma."

"Well of course it matters to me. It'll be a shame not to be able to see you when we come home for visits." He saw Nell's skeptic glance. "Oh, I know we don't come home much. It's just, we have to travel a lot. For the business."

Nell was trying her hardest to be reasonable. Her father had always had just the smallest amount of sympathy and understanding for his children, where as their mother had none. "Dad, I know the family business is important to you. I'm sorry that I can't take over eventually it's just that I don't think I'm cut out for it."

"That's all right, Nell. It would probably be best for John to take over it anyway."

Nell's face fell. "Dad, you know how much he wants to be a doctor."

"Oh honey, that's just a phase. All kids go through them. I remember when I wanted to be an astronaut for goodness sakes! If every kid got to become whatever he wanted, there'd never be anyone with any sensible jobs!"

"It's not a phase! He's good at science, and he's got a good heart. It's what he wants to do. And he's not a kid. He's going to be 13 in two days. You and mom have to stop treating him like he's a child. I know he's the youngest, but he understands a lot more than you give him credit for."

"Nell, I've talked this over with your Grandparents, and they agree that John should take over. I know it seems like a long way off, but Grandpa's going to be retiring in just a few years and John's going to have to start college in four."

"Why can't someone else take over? Why can't Chase?" Nell asked.

"Chase is a nice boy," Jack said. "But he's never going to be as smart as your brother. And besides, it's tradition for the family business to be passed on through the oldest son, not to the oldest nephew. It just wouldn't be right."

Now Nell was mad. She had heard all these excuses before but they had never hit home until now. Before she had always been there to defend her little brother, but she was afraid that with her gone he would give in to whatever the oppressive family wanted. She hated to see that happen. "Who cares about tradition? This is someone's life we're talking about!"

Jack just shook his head. "I'm sorry honey. I wish it could be different. I wish Bobby was still alive and could take over like he wanted to but things change."

"Yeah Dad, things change," Nell said quietly. "So why can't tradition change?" she stood up silently, and left her father sitting on the couch, deep in thought.

That night, John had a dream. In his dream, the doctor's had been able to save Bobby from the leukemia, and he was still alive. Jack and Eleanor still lived with them, and didn't travel around the world. Gamma and Grandpa visited, and the whole family laughed and talked together like a normal family. Bobby and Nell and John teased each other, and got in little skirmishes. Just like normal siblings. Bobby was planning on taking over the family business, Nell was planning on staying in Chicago to go to college, and John was going to be a doctor. And everyone was happy. Suddenly, the dream changed. It was John's 13th birthday, and the whole family was visiting Bobby's grave. Eleanor got in a huge argument, and Nell drove away. Gamma and Eleanor got in a fight, and she and John Sr. left. Then Eleanor decided it was too painful to be near Bobby's grave, and she left too.

Jack was left with John. He turned to his son. "You're going to have to run the business, son," he said.

Inside John was screaming 'No, I don't want to run the business Dad. I want to be a doctor. I want to help people like the doctor's who helped Bobby. Maybe someday I could make a difference, save someone and save their family from this.' That was what he wanted to say. But he looked around, and no one was there to support him. Nell had escaped, and he found himself wishing he could too. Gamma was always sympathetic toward him, but she could no longer stand having to deal with his parents. He looked helplessly up at his father.

"You'll do a good job, won't you son?" Jack asked.

John had nowhere to turn, no one to support him. He swallowed, and forced a smile. "Sure Dad. Whatever you want," he said.

John sat up in his bed, suddenly awake. He looked at the clock. 3:30. Why in the world was he awake at 3:30 in the morning? Then he remembered his dream. The feeling of helplessness was growing. He knew what his parents wanted, and he knew what he wanted. The question was, who was right? And if he was right, how was he going to convince them of that?