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To: dmoss@whitehouse.gov

From: jlyman@whitehouse.gov

Date: Sun Feb 11, 2001 1:02 AM

Subject: Hey

I called your apartmnet, but you werent there. It took

me a while to rember why. SAm told me youd kill him if

I got drunk, I didnt think youd be that mad. Come

home.

Joshy

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To: jlyman@whitehouse.gov

From: dmoss@whitehouse.gov

Date: Sun Feb 11, 2001 7:13 AM

Subject: You didn't think I'd be that mad, eh?

I leave you alone for one night, Joshua.

ONE DAMN NIGHT! You are supposedly a responsible

adult. I guess the fact that you even made it home

this morning is a good sign. When you're sober enough

to read this letter call Sam and tell him that his

prediction of my punishment for him is surprisingly

accurate. When I get back I'm goi

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To: dmoss@whitehouse.gov

From: jlyman@whitehouse.gov

Date: Sun Feb 11, 2001 12:43 PM

Subject: What?

You're going to what? I have a sinking feeling that it

won't involve a foot rub and scented oils. Or anything

else involving pleasant sensations. All I ask is that

you don't do anything that will leave permanent

scaring. My fan club would never forgive you.

As for what may or may not have happened last night, I

blame everything on Sam.

Speaking of Sam, he is currently in my apartment

forming an argument to use on you when you come home,

to, you know, convince you not to kill him. He's

practicing on the mirror and everything. I tried to

tell him that the mob has no mercy, but he just looked

at me funny.

Prepared to grovel,

Josh

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To: dmoss@whitehouse.gov

From: jlyman@whitehouse.gov

Date: Mon Feb 12, 2001 10:04 PM

Subject: Hello?

Is this some way of punishing me? You're refusing to

communicate with me because I got drunk? As you said,

Donna, I'm an adult. I can make decisions myself, and

I don't need someone to baby-sit me and tell me what

and what not to do!

That said, I need you to e-mail me back and tell me

which tie to wear with my gray suit. I might have a

date tonight.

E-mail me!

Josh

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To: dmoss@whitehouse.gov

From: jlyman@whitehouse.gov

Date: Mon Feb 12, 2001 4:13 PM

Subject: Where the hell are you?

What have I done to deserve this? I'm stranded in a

city where half of the people hate me by reputation

and everyone I know is working, the pizza guy won't

deliver to my apartment, and worst of all, you, who as

my trusty assistant and friend should be by my side at

all times, are refusing to even e-mail me! How is a

man supposed to operate under these conditions?

What exactly did I say in my e-mail Saturday night? If

it's anything of a...personal nature remember that I

may have only had three beers, but just two render me

incapable of coherent thought. You know how I get; I

say stupid things I don't mean.

E-mail me now!

Josh

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To: dmoss@whitehouse.gov

From: jlyman@whitehouse.gov

Date: Mon Feb 12, 2001 8:45 PM

Subject: DONNA!

Right now I'm supposed to be on a date with an

attractive woman who is not a call girl (Sam

introduced me to her, so you can see why that's an

important fact), but until you give me some sign that

you're still breathing I refuse to leave the computer.

You're ruining my social life, Donna, so get your ass

on the net right now.

Josh

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To: dmoss@whitehouse.gov

From: jlyman@whitehouse.gov

Date: Tue Feb 13, 2001 1:09 AM

Subject: Donna?

Okay, fine, I'm punished already! Just e-mail me to

let me know that you're alright and I swear I'll leave

you alone until you get back.

I apologize for everything I have ever said or done

that hurt or offended you in any way. Call or e-mail

me now and I promise I will never do anything stupid

ever again. Yeah, and pigs will fly.

Please call me,

Josh

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To: dmoss@whitehouse.gov

From: jlyman@whitehouse.gov

Date: Tue Feb 13, 2001 12:04 PM

Subject: Where are you?

Okay, I'm sick of being patient. If you don't contact

me in some way within the next 24 hours I'm telling

the FBI to go and search the entire damn state of

Wisconsin. I'm serious, Donna. Call me or the Feds

will be interviewing your mother by tomorrow

afternoon.

E-mail me, damn it!

Josh

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To: dmoss@whitehouse.gov

From: cjcregg@whitehouse.gov

Date: Wed Feb 14, 2001 12: 35 PM

Subject: He's driving us insane!

Donna, *please* e-mail Josh before he has a heart

attack. He stormed into the West Wing today, screaming

something about the FBI and 'those damn dairy cows'.

I'm sure he did something colossally idiotic, but for

now let it go and tell him you're okay.

So, how's the vacation so far?

CJ

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To: dmoss@whitehouse.gov

From: jbartlet@whitehouse.gov

Date: Wed Feb 14, 2001 1:03 PM

Subject: Enjoying your vacation?

Donna,

I just finished a very interesting conversation with

your boss. He seems to think that something dire and

tragic has happened to you because you refuse to speak

to him during your vacation time. Although I can think

of many other reasons why you would ignore him, I

think it would be best if you called the office and

let everyone know that you are, in fact, still among

the living. I hope you're enjoying your time in what

Josh insisted on calling 'the Dairy State', though

California is actually the country's largest producer

of dairy products. In fact, in 1997 California cows

produced an average if 21,000 gallons of dairy

products each, while Wisconsin cows only produced an

average of 17,000 gallons. Though, of course, you

probably already knew that.

Jed Bartlet

Postscript: Don't worry about Josh. We can handle him

until you get back, though I must admit my respect for

you increases by the minute. And people say *I'm*

difficult to deal with.

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