Notes: Donna's family is loosely based on my own, so

let me just say that all this is possible. And

frightening. Don't forget frightening. And no, they're

not Mormon. Just insane.

*******************************************************

I'm beginning to remember why I was in such a hurry to

leave Wisconsin in the first place. My history with

the state isn't exactly exemplary.

I lived in the same house for eighteen years with the

same six people. I went to college to gain

independence, and ended up dependant on a clone of my

father. I finally left Dr. Free Ride and ran away to

New Hampshire, only to find that once you achieve your

independence all you want is to reconnect with the

parasitical force that drove you away in the first

place: your family.

Now, you probably assume that I was just a rebellious

teenager who imagined her loving family was smothering

her. Everyone thinks their family's crazy, right?

Let me tell you a bit about the Moss Clan. My house

includes six regular occupants (my extended family

visits often): My grandmother Enid, my parents Ulysses

and Edith, my older sisters Godelieve and Abidemi, and

my twin brother Oswald.

The names alone should be a clue that this is not your

average, 'Leave It to Beaver' household. And these

names are not a cultural thing like they are with most

families. My great-grandfather Arthur (who was a

little eccentric) began the tradition of picking baby

names randomly out of the ancient books we keep in the

family library. Had I been a boy my name would have

been Ishmael.

This is only the tip of the insanity ice burg. I could

go on for hours about the innumerable oddities I

suffered as a child, but I'll save it for my

autobiography.

The point of all this is, as strange as my family is,

I'm too weird for them. I'm the Black Sheep. The fact

that I'm in my mid-twenties and not married yet is

inconceivable. Hell, I should have produced three

grandchildren by now! I can't tell you the number of

times I've heard the phrase 'Why can't you be more

like your sisters?'

At the moment both of my perfect female siblings are

sitting in the living room each nursing a baby. They

live in perfect houses not half a block away from

where they're sitting now. Abi's on her first husband

and second child, while Eve is on her third husband

and fourth child. It doesn't matter how many times you

get married, just as long as all your husbands are

wealthy and you generate lots of grandchildren.

I'm grinding my teeth just watching them.

"Donnatella, stop that unpleasant noise." My mother

chides primly. She refuses to use anyone's nickname,

something that drives even my siblings insane.

"I could take myself and my offending noise elsewhere

if you'd let me have my computer back," I say slowly,

carefully controlling my voice.

"Nonsense. You didn't come home to do more work for

that horrendous president of yours." I'm going to

scream. I'm going to scream.

"She doesn't work for the president, Mother. She works

for one of his lackeys," Eve intones disdainfully.

Who you calling a lackey, you cow? Oh God. I'm

hearing Josh's voice in my head. This can't be good.

"He's not a lackey, Eve. He's the Deputy Chief of

Staff," I say even though I know it's pointless. They

could care less.

You tell 'em, Donna. You defend my honor. He's

annoying even when he's a disembodied voice. Just

wonderful.

"I do not want that man to be discussed in my house.

Do you understand me, Donnatella?"

That man? She won't even say my name? What'd I do to

her? You're withholding her grandchildren, you

nitwit.

"Yes, mother," I say like the good little subservient

daughter I am. After a few moments of familial silence

I try again.

"I only want the computer so I can e-mail my

boyfriend. He's probably worried." That got their

attention real quick.

My mother gives me the eye. She doesn't quite believe

me. "Your boyfriend? You didn't mention a boyfriend."

BOYFRIEND! What boyfriend? I would know if there was

a boyfriend! Shut up and let me do this.

"I didn't? I must have forgotten to tell you." Three

years with politicians has taught me a lot about

lying.

"Are his intentions honorable?" I hear Josh laughing

faintly in the background. He caught on and finds this

very entertaining. Mental Josh. Not real. I have to

keep telling myself that.

"Of course. We're just taking it slow," I say, giving

Abi a significant look. She knew her husband for a

week before she dropped out of college and married

him. See? I was genetically engineered into the whole

Dr. Free Ride mess.

Abi snorts. "He's probably one of those filthy

politicians." Grrr.

Are you sure you're not adopted? I ask myself that

everyday.

"However did you guess?" I smirk and return to my

book. Take that, genes.

"Why hasn't he called?"

"I asked him to e-mail me instead. So we wouldn't

disturb the house."

"What's his name?"

"Josh Lyman." Shit! Why did I just do that?

WHAT!

"What? Isn't he-" Eve starts, but my mother interrupts

her.

"Donnatella, is that not the name of your employer?"

"Yes." I gulp.

Mother looks like she's about to have an aneurysm.

"Why-"

The phone rings, an unusual sound in our house. My

mother shuts her mouth abruptly and her shade of

purple fades to a dark pink. "Godelieve, would you

answer that please?" Eve hands her baby to Abi and

walks into the kitchen.

I hear Mental Josh's faint MOO as she walks away.

Why the hell did I do that?