Chapter 1

Just tell me how we got this far
Just tell me why you're here and who you are.

Michelle Branch, "Everywhere to Me"

Colonel Kira Nerys stood on the Promenade of Deep Space Nine, several long strides from the Bajoran shrine. She held her head high, her shoulders squared. Around her, the dwindling commotion of the evening continued on, and she took in its atmosphere with outward calm.

Inside, she was wondering if she would ever get used to it. The abrupt lull, the feeling of stunned disbelief – it was enough to drive her crazy.

It had happened so fast, and yet not fast enough. The Dominion War was over, the station returning to a port of call rather than Ground Zero. And the people living on the station still didn't know how to react. For the past few days, Kira had the feeling that they were all clinging to their routines, just for the sake of something ordinary and reliable. As she watched, a small group of Bajoran civilians were shopping at a food kiosk, and Quark's Bar had its usual knot of regulars, including Morn, who was just as much part of the place as the barstools.

Yet all the changes were undeniable, and the silence of the Promenade hung like fog in the air. The station was a different place.

Kira sighed and shook her head. It was late – she should be walking back to her quarters. It seemed that she never managed to get from Ops to the Habitat Ring without the oddly hushed Promenade dragging her to a stop mid-way.

She didn't know how long she'd been standing there when she felt a tap on her shoulder.

"I know better than to ask if you're all right, but I will ask if you need someone to talk to."

The colonel turned. Ezri Dax stood next to her, waiting for an answer in her usual pose – hands clasped behind her back, head tilted slightly to one side.

Kira tried not to jump. In some ways, the young Trill looked downright creepy when she did that – it was a pose her predecessor favored as well. Meeting the blue eyes that were so like Jadzia's and yet so opposite, Kira managed a smile. "Didn't you go off duty a long time ago?"

Ezri grinned. "Sorry, I can't leave my job at the door so easily. I see a person brooding and I can't help myself. Come on, I'm headed to the Habitat Ring. Talk to me about it?"

They started walking; Kira shrugged. "Not sure if there is much to talk about. We're all coping, as best we know how."

"But you have more to cope with than most," Ezri pointed out, lowering her head slightly. "If it's this hard for me to adjust, then ...." Her voice trailed off to an unspoken question. Kira smiled a bit. That was the counselor's way, disarming people by pointing out her own weaknesses. It was a practiced technique, and Kira was sharp enough to notice it. And yet she never had the heart to shut Ezri out.

"It's just... getting used to this," she said. "Things changed overnight, and now the people I usually talk to aren't here anymore. Odo's gone, Sisko's gone, O'Brien and Worf are gone. You and Bashir are the only ones of the 'old guard' that are still here." Kira frowned at Dax. "You two aren't planning on leaving, are you?"

Ezri chuckled, but shook her head. "My place is here, and I'm pretty sure the same goes for Julian."

"Well, that's one relief," Kira said.

They walked in silence for a while, in no hurry to get back. They passed the Infirmary, and by habit, Dax glanced through the wide doors. Dr. Bashir wasn't visible, but Kira didn't doubt he was in there, engrossed in one project or another. A subtle blend of emotions crossed Ezri's face; then she shook her head briskly, as if changing the subject of some inner conversation. "Any specific plans now that the war's over?"

Kira shrugged. "I might go to Bajor, if I find the time. I wanted to head to one of the temples in my home province – I hear it's being restored."

"That sounds like a good idea," the counselor replied eagerly. "Why don't you put in for it? It might help you sort things out."

"I'll do that once I've got things in shape around here," Kira said. "If I take a leave now I'll feel like I'm running away. What about you? Thinking of going back to see your family?"

The reaction to that was a bit unexpected. Ezri flushed, glancing down at the floor. "Well...."

Kira's own face grew warm. She'd forgotten, for a moment, what she'd heard about Ezri's family problems – an overbearing mother, a stiff relationship with the eldest brother, another brother in prison. "Oh, I'm sorry – I didn't mean...."

"Oh, it isn't that," Dax said. The pitch of her voice warned of nervous rambling. "Well, all right, it is that, a little. But there are other things I have to worry about back home. I mean, back on Trillian. I didn't grow up there myself, I lived in a mining colony on Sappora VI."

The colonel gave her a skeptical look. "Is there something I should know about?"

Ezri waved it off. "Oh, nothing really. I just got a transmission from the Symbiosis Commission. They want me to go back to Trillian for a few days. Answer some questions, get checked out, make certain nothing's gone wrong with my Joining. Just a formality," she was quick to add.

It sounded like a bigger deal than Dax was making it out to be. Kira frowned. "Have you put in for it?"

"Well, I don't have to do it right away," Ezri said.

"Trust me, I won't fall to pieces. If you need to go back to Trillian, go back."

Ezri shook her head. "Really, it's nothing you need to worry about right now."

Kira smiled slyly. "Sorry, counselor – I can't leave my job at the door either. If you have obligations, you need to get them taken care of so you can focus on your job with a clear head. You have a lot of people counting on you to help them with their problems, and you'll be no good to anyone if you're avoiding your own."

"Okay, okay," Dax said with a resigned laugh. "Fair enough, Nerys. I'll put in a request tomorrow – if you promise me you'll get that trip to Bajor planned as soon as possible."

"All right, deal. Look, why don't you make a vacation of it? Take Julian along if you want. I was thinking of giving him time off, too. After coming back from Cardassia, I think he could use a vacation and a counselor as much as anyone."

Ezri looked decidedly uncomfortable. "Look, about Julian...."

For some reason, Kira suddenly felt alarmed. "What? It didn't work out?"

"No. Yes! I mean... no, that's not what I meant."

Kira groaned. "Please tell me you're not coming apart at the seams, Ezri. We have enough things to be upset about already."

"No no no," Dax said sheepishly. "We're doing all right. It's just ... sometimes I worry. It's all happening so fast – the war had a lot to do with it. I'm starting to wonder if I'm being fair to him. We're...." She trailed off and shook her head with a troubled frown. "I don't know."

"Well, that does it," the colonel said. "I'm putting in a request for you both. Get off my station and do some thinking. Go together, go separately, it's your choice – but I want you out of here."

"Look, Nerys...."

Kira stopped in her tracks and physically blocked Ezri from going further. "No, I don't want to hear it. Damned if I'll have the both of you fall to pieces. I can do without you and Julian for a few weeks, but I can't afford to have you leaving things unresolved. That's an order, Lieutenant."

*****

It was turning out to be one of those nights that dragged on minute by minute, and she knew she should get some sleep but somehow couldn't motivate herself beyond restless fidgeting. Rubbing at a dull, fretful headache behind her temples, Ezri sat down on the bed, placing a mug of tea on the nightstand. Her second cup that evening. She'd be awake for hours yet.

She had to nudge a padd over to make room for the mug, and because there was nothing else to do, she picked it up. The Trillian emblem was placed neatly at the top corner of the document, immediately announcing it as news of the greatest importance. Because receiving word from the Trill Symbiosis Commission took priority over everything else. Or so they liked to think.

Almost out of spite, she read it again.

Ezri Tigan Dax:

We ask you to come to Trillian at the nearest possible opportunity to Declare yourself in front of the Symbiosis Commission. While we have offered a reluctant acceptance of your Joining due to its unusual circumstances, we still need to assess your suitability and examine you for signs of rejection or incompatibility. Failure to Declare yourself will result in summary judgment.

I will be presiding over your case personally. Further questions may be directed to the enclosed address.

Regards,

Tallis Krafor, Head Magistrate, TSC

With a groan, she tossed the padd back to the nightstand and collapsed backward across the bed. A little over one year ago, the Symbiosis Commission had barely been aware of her existence and she'd been glad for it. Their stiff regulations, their insufferable condescension – Ezri had been more than happy to put as much distance between herself and them as possible.

Leave it to her to end up Joined to one of the most conspicuous and controversial Symbionts in her planet's history.

She wondered – not for the first time – what would have happened if she had said no. Just stood there in the Destiny's sickbay, faced the doctor, and said "No." They couldn't order her to go though with the Joining – her action was completely voluntary. What would her life be if she were still only Ezri Tigan? Her imagination wandered. She'd probably just make lieutenant junior grade by now. Still ignored by Trillian, and blithely ignoring them in turn. Perhaps working toward her first head counselor's position.

The rebellious appeal she found in those thoughts abruptly dissolved. She sighed and curled up, pillowing her head on her arm. If Ezri had refused to become Joined, no matter what right she had to do so, Dax would have died. How would she have been able to look at herself in the mirror, knowing that? And she never would have known the memories of the eight people before her, memories as fascinating as they were unsettling. She never would have met the wonderful people those memories drew her to. Gods, the three lifetimes worth of things she would thank Ben Sisko for....

The doorchime to her quarters sounded. "Who is it?"

His voice came over the comm. "Are you busy, Ezri?"

A slight smile curled her lips. She rolled over onto her back, hugging her arms across her chest. "Not really, Julian. Come on in."

The door hissed open, and he poked his head in, searching the front room.

"Bedroom, sweetheart."

She heard Julian cross the living room and pause in the open doorway. As he saw her lying on the bed, he released a deep sigh. "That looks like an incredibly good idea. May I join you?"

She grinned and patted the mattress. Striding over, he collapsed beside her with a muffled groan, long limbs tossed carelessly. Ezri looked over and couldn't help laughing.

"What's funny?"

"You look like a treila monkey sprawled like that."

One brown eye opened. "I don't want to move."

He sounded as tired as he looked. Ezri laid a sympathetic hand on his shoulder, the swell of warm affection still slightly self-conscious. Retaining Jadzia's motherly instinct toward the young doctor made this relationship interesting, to say the least. "You okay?"

Eyes still closed, Julian nodded slightly. "Mm-hm."

"What were you working on so late, anyway? You were in the infirmary for at least six hours straight."

He seemed to consider making some generic answer, then decided against it with a small frown. "I was looking for information. Medical relief programs for ecological disaster victims."

Cardassia. A topic he referred to in clipped, clinical phrases when he spoke of it at all. Knowing him from the odd double perspective that she did, Dax felt she had a better idea than most of how much that part of the war had affected him. She moved closer to him and he slipped his arm around her waist in silent gratitude.

"You know I'm here if you want to talk," she said gently.

Julian opened his eyes and smiled at her. "Thanks. Maybe later." Just as gently, he changed the subject. "Question?"

"Sure."

"Can you explain to me why Kira stormed into the Infirmary thirty minutes ago and demanded I take two weeks of leave, effective almost immediately?"

Ezri laughed sheepishly. "The same reason she ordered me to take two weeks of leave, effective almost immediately."

It didn't take Julian long to guess the colonel's intent. His eyebrow quirked up, and he propped his head up with one hand. "Hmm. Both of us at the same time, eh? Remarkable coincidence."

"Don't be too hard on her," Ezri said. "You know Kira – she's protective of her own. She just wants us to give us time to think things over."

Julian hesitated at this, and her face grew warm as she sensed the silent question trailing those words. But he didn't press the issue, and she felt a guilty relief at the consideration.

"So," he said neutrally. "What do you want to do?"

Ezri sighed. "Well, one week is decided for me already. I have to go back to Trillian and Declare myself."

"I'm not sure what that means," he said, sounding a little intrigued.

She rolled her eyes at the thought. Even if she wasn't entirely comfortable discussing it, she was suddenly eager to vent some of her frustration. "It means that I parade myself in front of the Symbiosis Board and say 'Hi, I'm Joined.' They do a cursory examination of me, note my name and other personal information in their records, give me hours of lectures on the behavior befitting a 'Parent of Society,' and send me off again." She made a face. "And because I'm such a special case, I'm sure there will be twice as many hoops to jump through this time. I even have the honor of Tallis Krafor residing at my hearing."

Julian raised his eyebrows. "And he is...?"

"Head of the Symbiosis Commission," Ezri said with mock aplomb.

His arm at her waist tensed in what might have been a small hug, an irritated reaction, or a little bit of both. "Oh, dear."

"Yeah, that pretty much sums it up," she said. "Needless to say, I'm not looking forward to this very much. I – Dax, I mean – I've been living in space for so long. I didn't even go back to Trillian to be Rejoined as most do. And for me as Ezri, I never even knew the place. It isn't my home, and right now it's the last place I want to go."

He chuckled, but the humor was a commiserating one. "I think I can relate to that. How long is it going to take?"

Ezri huffed a breath upward, blowing her hair out of her eyes. "The rituals and examinations last three days, and there are a few days of paperwork before and after. I just want to get it over with and leave. It's going to be irritating and intrusive and definitely not something you'd want to get involved in." Half-rising to face him, she put on a smile. "We could do something together afterward. There's always Risa, or...." She drew a blank and trailed off, bemused. Yes, there was always Risa – did people go anywhere else for their vacations these days?

But to her surprise, Julian didn't seem to pay much attention to the suggestion. Facing her squarely, he creased his brow in a thoughtful frown. "Why wouldn't I want to be there for you, Ezri?"

The question caught her off guard. She blinked, then blushed a little. "Oh, I didn't mean it like that. Are you saying you do want to?"

"Well, I like to think I'm good at moral support," he said warmly. "And anyway, I didn't get a very good look at Trillian the last time I was there. I'd be glad to come along."

A tentative smile spread across her face. Bringing Julian to the Trill homeworld would complicate things a bit, and yet the thought of having a close friend nearby during the Declaration was an appealing one. "Really?"

He grinned. "If you'll have me."

She hesitated for a second, then nodded. "Okay."

Julian looked pleased. He stretched out on his back and beckoned to her; Ezri settled comfortably against his shoulder. "I'm warning you," she said. "Spending a week in the symbiosis facilities of the capitol city is no pleasure cruise."

"They make you stay in the complex the entire time? That's a bit stern."

Ezri shrugged. "They don't really make you stay. Most people do. It's a traditional thing."

"That was before transporters were invented," he scoffed. "If they don't make you stay, why stay?"

"Well, it makes the Commission grumpy if you don't, for one thing."

"Oh, and that always stops you."

Ezri had to laugh. "We're not even there yet and already you're trying to get me into trouble."

"Always," he teased. He put his arm around her and rested his chin on the top of her head. "But I'm serious. There has to be some place you'd enjoy staying in between sessions. We can beam to the capitol for the Declaration and spend the rest of the time relaxing."

Ezri shook her head wryly, but she couldn't deny that the idea made her feel a bit better. Maybe this wouldn't go so badly after all. "I suppose we could go to Caysil City Beach. It's beautiful this time of year, even if it isn't peak tourist season. See the ocean, the markets...."

"You in a swimsuit...."

She laughed again. "Audacity, thy name is Julian."

"Guilty as charged," he said airily.

Ezri grinned. Then, because he'd made it a point to cheer her up, she leaned in and kissed him. "Thanks."