Chapter 5
She's taking her time thinking of the reasons
To justify all the hurt inside
Yes she knows from the smiles and the looks in their eyes
Everyone's got a theory about the bitter one.
– Savage Garden, "To The Moon and Back"
As long as today's sessions had lasted, Julian and Ezri still had time to spare when they got back. After hours of lectures on the dignity and obligations suited to a Joined Trill, Ezri was all the more eager to embrace Caysil's romantic atmosphere. She switched the drab dress for a favorite gown of delicate blue fabric and suggested they catch one of the windships instead of beaming to the theater.
"It's a tradition," she explained to Julian. "The sailors run races with each other. First one across the bay is allowed to take the scenic way back, riding the currents along the coast. The others have to head straight back to the Resort District."
Julian smiled at the idea. "A Trillian tradition I actually approve of. Imagine that."
"I know," Ezri said wryly. "Honors go to the fastest ship – it doesn't matter if the passengers are Joined or not. Wonders never cease around here."
They made it to the port and paid their way onto one of the graceful vessels in the nick of time. Barely had they found a place to sit on the crowded boat when a high-pitched whistle signaled over the docks. The sailors scrambled nimbly at the ropes, the sails were unfurled, and the ships leapt out across the bay. Once they cleared the port, they darted about like swallows, straining for the lead as the passengers shouted gleefully across the water at each other.
Julian and Ezri's ship came in third. Laughing and breathless, none of the passengers seemed to mind very much.
With the excitement of the ride, Ezri didn't become aware of the attention she was getting until they reached the theater. She caught the meaningful look of the man who ushered her inside, and realized with a sinking feeling that several people were taking notice of her. Of course, she reasoned; Julian had gone through the hotel front desk to buy the tickets. The attendants there knew who she was, which meant the people that reserved their seats also knew. And Ezri didn't doubt that the story of her Joining had been a popular source of conversation ever since it had reached Trillian. These people knew she was Dax; they also knew that she was never meant to be Dax.
Walking across the floor of the elegant commons area, Ezri kept her expression neutral and tried to ignore the eyes on her. She wasn't lost to the irony of the situation; Dax had always been one to attract attention. Curzon, as the most obvious example, could overtake a room larger than this one with his presence and did so as often as possible. But none of her predecessors had felt the stares as keenly as Ezri did now.
Well, that wasn't quite true, she amended. Audrid had noticed, and reveled in it. She'd considered it an honor and a privilege. Ezri just considered it a headache.
A middle-aged couple got out of the way as she approached the door, heading toward the rest of the crowd. Ezri opened the door and waved at them, trying to usher them through. "You were first."
The woman smiled. "Oh, it's all right, Parent."
"I'm waiting for my companion," she said, looking over her shoulder. Julian had paused to get a drink at one of the refreshment tables, and he was chatting with a man at the edge of the floor, talking animatedly.
The couple glanced at him, then gave her a suspicious look as they walked through the door. Julian finished his conversation and crossed the room to her, and Ezri put her smile back into place. "That gentleman is from the Federation Press Services," he told her. "He covers their arts and entertainment feed. Says it should be a good show."
"Good," Ezri replied, a little too brightly. "Shall we...?"
Julian's expression faltered for just a second, and she knew he'd noticed that she was forcing it a bit. She should have expected as much. He kept a sympathetic silence until they'd walked into the darkened auditorium, then placed a hand on her back and leaned close. "Is it me, Ezri?"
She sighed. "Not you, Julian. It's me. It's what I am. And being seen with an off-worlder isn't exactly common, especially since...."
He sounded a little puzzled, but gently let her off the hook. "I see."
Sudden determination went through her at his effort. Defiantly, she reached behind her and found his hand, pressing it tightly. "Let them stare," she whispered. "I'm determined to enjoy tonight with you, no matter what they think."
The pair of them took their seats, holding hands through the exhibition.
*****
They made it back to the hotel as the first stars were appearing, glittering like diamonds in the smooth sky. They had some time before an elaborate buffet dinner would be served in the cool marble hall downstairs, and they had returned to their room to relax for a while before heading down. Ezri took to sitting on a bench on the balcony, watching the sea birds and the ocean. On the beach, the waves rolled in with a soft roar, pulled back out again. She seemed to be at peace, watching the far distance where the waters seemed calm.
Julian found himself staring at her and put down his book. Garak may have been crazy about the author, but if this novel got any duller, he could prescribe it as a sleep aid.
Ezri had managed to lift her spirits for the performance. The modern dance had been electric, involving a huge set of cages and bars layered and twisted together across the stage. Ten dancers had leapt from bar to bar like cats, or even danced with perfect balance on the narrow rails. When it was over, Julian and Ezri had spilled out into the warm evening with the rest of the crowd, oblivious to any attention they were getting, excitedly discussing the event.
When they got back to the resort, however, Ezri had become quiet again. As Julian left his chair and walked outside, she made the first move he'd seen in over an hour, sighing and letting her hand drop into the folds of the skirt that pooled around her crossed legs.
He leaned against the frame of the door and gazed at her. "Ezri."
Dax started a bit as she turned toward him. "Oh. Julian."
"What's wrong?" he asked her gently. "You haven't said a word since we got back here."
She smiled, but it didn't reach her eyes. "Sorry. Just thinking about today. The tickets to the theater were really sweet, thank you."
He waved that aside. "It was the least I could do. It's not every day you get to see a loved one pass a milestone."
A snort escaped Ezri, and she stood up, pacing restlessly to the stone railing of the balcony. "If I passed at all," she muttered. "I certainly didn't feel showered with approval in front of the Commission."
Julian couldn't quell a stab of worry. "They're not threatening to end your Joining, are they? Surely they can't...."
"No, no," Dax assured him with a tired smile. "They won't take my Symbiont away, not unless I commit a capital offense or something. They're just questioning whether or not I'm living up to their standards. They wonder if I appreciate the honor of being Joined the way I should." This last was given with a note of sarcasm.
"The 'honor.'" Julian thought back to her tense mood from this evening and smiled ruefully, walking up to stand beside her. "As fascinating as you are, Ezri Dax, sometimes I don't envy you much."
She gave an unsettled shudder. "All those eyes on me. It's creepy. None of the other Hosts thought so, but now...." She trailed off and shook her head. Placing her hands flat on the railing behind her, she hopped up to sit on the wide ledge. With her head tilted and her small feet tucked behind the balusters, she looked startlingly young for the depth in her eyes.
"To think, a little over a year ago, I used to be the one staring," Ezri said. "Wondering why they went through with it, watching them seem to take it for granted." She shrugged, and the movement shifted the light over her dress in a soft shimmer. "I know Joining to save a Symbiont was right, and that Dax is part of me now, just like I'm a part of Dax. It's the rest that I'm not comfortable with."
"I don't pretend to know what it's like," Julian admitted.
She gazed at him thoughtfully. "Well, some of it you might understand better than you think. I might not have been around at that point, but Jadzia saw all the stares you got after you were forced to come clean about your enhancements."
"I'm surprised she noticed," he remarked dryly.
"Oh, she noticed. She just didn't know what to say." Ezri glanced down at her hands clasped over her knees, reliving a bit of Jadzia's discomfort. "I remember it as seeing people shy away from you, or keep their kids out of the Infirmary unless it was an emergency."
"I remember that, too – quite clearly, in fact." Julian shrugged it off. "Well, in spite of everything, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. I'd proven myself to many of them over the years by the time that came out, and only a few chose to forget that."
He paused thoughtfully. "Surprising, really. There were even some that supported me all the more because of it." Then he smiled at her. "You, for instance."
She smiled back, but sighed and shook her head. "It's just this Declaration... I don't know how to explain it. Part of me knows the reasons behind this. It's showing the Board that I'm Joined, and that Dax and I are a good match. It's the rest of it that I resent – the Oaths, the politics, the 'Parent of Society' shoes I'm supposed to fill. I wish...." And she stumbled to a stop, unable to put the rest into words.
Julian touched her arm in sympathy. "I'm sorry," he said. "I wish I could be more understanding."
She leaned against him with a bemused smile. "Of what?"
"All of this. You. The Trill and their Oaths. It's difficult for me to grasp."
"It's hard for anyone to grasp," she said, her voice kind. "Took me a while to rediscover Ezri under the avalanche Dax hit me with."
He chuckled, brushing her hair off her forehead. "I can only imagine."
The easy affection of his gesture seemed to comfort her. In the dusk, a hint of light played through her eyes, like moonlight on the ocean. "I'm glad you're here," she said softly.
Immediately, Julian felt the guilt at his own shortcomings fall aside. How do you do that, Ezri? Fitting his hands against the smooth curve of her shoulders, he placed a light kiss on her temple, then trailed the line of gold-flecked spots downward, breathing her in. His fingers played with the slender chain around her neck, traced the hollow of her throat. "I love you. You know that, don't you?"
A pause, a soft hum of contentment. She turned her head, he saw the tilt of her smile, and he kissed her. This time, she drew him closer and didn't hold back. Off in the distance, the evening sounds of Caysil merged to the lull of the ocean and faded away.
Without warning, Julian leaned down and scooped her off the railing, gathering her up into his arms as easily as if she were a child. He twirled her playfully and she laughed, wrapping her arms around his neck. Then he kissed her again, passion building, and she could only hold on for dear life.
"Julian," she finally managed to mumble.
"Mm-hm." He carried her through the darkened living room, focusing his attention to the racing pulse below the corner of her jaw.
"We're just ... oh ... we're going to be late...."
He grinned against her neck. "Not if we miss dinner entirely, we're not."
Ezri laughed again, delighted, before slipping back into intimate silence. He laid her down gently, settling himself close beside her, and in a moment all their worries seemed trivial.
*****
It was early morning when Julian woke. Delicate sunlight fell across his face, and a cool hand was soothing his forehead.
I could get used to this.
He stirred, feeling wonderfully drowsy, and opened his eyes to gaze up at her. At his movement, Ezri's smile widened, and she curled cozily against him. She'd apparently been up for some time and had already showered and dressed.
"Good morning," she murmured. She dropped a kiss to his bare shoulder.
"Mm." Julian stretched lazily and slid an arm around her waist. She felt clean and cool, her hair slightly damp and curling over her forehead. "It is starting out pretty well...."
Ezri made a sound of demure agreement and stretched out on her side, propped up on one elbow. "I didn't want to wake you, but I have to go soon. I knew you'd want to see me off."
"You should have woken me earlier, I could have done it properly," he teased back. Then he glanced her over appreciatively. "You look wonderful."
She blushed a bit at the compliment, tugging at the free collar of her fitted dove-gray suit. Her necklace glinted subtly above the smooth fabric. "I'll be frowned at a bit, I think – not quite stately enough for a Declaration to the Symbiosis Commission."
"'Parent of Society' that you are," he intoned.
Ezri made a face. "Exactly why I'm opting to dress comfortably this time."
Julian chuckled and reached up to smooth a strand of her hair into place. "I can't see how anyone could possibly complain."
She gave him a grateful smile. "I'll keep that in mind." Then she sighed, reluctant. "I guess I'd better get going. Wouldn't want to keep them waiting."
"Heavens, no," he agreed with a grave shake of the head. He wrapped his arms more comfortably around her. "We certainly don't want that."
Ezri rolled her eyes, trying hard to look resolute. "Julian...."
"What? Don't let me keep you." He trailed a hand up her back and kissed her languidly.
"Oh, you...." She collapsed across him with a groan. "You're evil."
Julian laughed. Finally he let her go, cupping her face just long enough to give her a bracing look. "Give 'em hell, Ezri."
"Oh, yes. They won't know what hit them." She slid gracefully off the bed and straightened her jacket. "See you soon."
"Send Tallis Krafor my regards," Julian said dryly.
