Chapter 7
I have climbed the highest mountains
I have run through the fields
Only to be with you
Only to be with you
But I still haven't found what I'm looking for.
– U2, "Still Haven't Found What I'm Looking For"
The next several days were based entirely on impulse. Caysil City's atmosphere ebbed and flowed like the currents of the bay, by turns languid and exhilarating. There were enticing spots tucked everywhere, each with their own distinct styles and traditions. And Julian couldn't have asked for a better guide than Ezri Dax.
She took him everywhere, to all the old haunts she could think of and many that she discovered or re-discovered at every turn. She showed him temples that had been standing for centuries, so beautifully constructed that it seemed they'd been carved from the living rock and then set with priceless stones. She walked him through hidden streets that a foreigner would have missed entirely and explained histories that defined this ancient and intricate culture better than any tourist attraction could. She took him to small, artistic restaurants, made him try the most colorful and unique foods she could remember, and then laughed gleefully when he found he'd underestimated how spicy some of them were.
And always, always, there were the ocean's many attractions to visit over and over again. After living on Deep Space Nine for so long, they were both surprised to discover how much they'd missed wind and sun and water, and they soaked up as much of it as they possibly could. They went swimming, they boarded windships that sailed along the majestic formations of the coast, they got up at dawn to watch the sun rise over the sea and then teased each other at how comically romantic it was. Every moment was rich and full, leading to the next moment and then the next, until the day was over and they had to rest from the exertion of it all. When the night finally quieted and Ezri was breathing softly beside him, Julian found that sleep came easier and sounder that it had in countless months.
By the second week, Dax's exploration took them beyond Caysil, to different cities, even to different continents. They would beam to a distant location and spend the day there, perhaps walking the banks of rivers in the temperate regions of the northern hemisphere, or visiting secluded towns that clung to the ridges of the mightiest mountains of Trillian. Every time it seemed there were no other wonders greater than this, Dax managed to recall another still more amazing.
It was then that Julian began to notice a slight change, something he couldn't exactly place in the way Ezri looked at her world. The places they visited began to seem more ancient and unfathomable, and at certain moments, when she was recalling the places she'd seen and the people she'd known, an odd wistfulness seemed to color her expression. Whenever he saw that emotion, Julian felt like there were urgent questions hanging in the air that he didn't know how to ask, and he wasn't at all sure that Ezri would have known how to answer anyway. It wasn't a distance he shouldn't have expected. He was Human, she was Trill, and a Joined Trill besides. But it left him unsettled and not knowing what to say, and those moments always passed in silence.
*****
One day, they traded Caysil's tropical climate for the cold wind of the Tenaren tundra. It was here that Ezri showed Julian the famous ice cliffs that Jadzia had often mentioned, glistening formations that towered above the otherwise-bleak beauty of the plains. There was a series of paths and tunnels leading up to the highest point, and that evening they decided to take the three-kilometer journey.
Starting out on the hike, they were chatty, teasing each other and flirting as usual. The deeper they went into the caves, though, the quieter Ezri became. Julian would steal a glance of her pulling the woolen parka tighter around her small body, or a distant haunted look flickering through her eyes.
Close to the top, they stopped to rest in one of the caves, a mid-sized chamber that glittered like crystal from the metals and rock beneath thick layers of ice. The ice of the ceiling was only a foot thick and rather clear in some places, almost like a skylight. They had good timing; as the setting sun outside reached a certain angle, the light was shattered and refracted, and rainbow prisms brought the walls to life with color.
A bittersweet smile crossed Ezri's face. "Well, now I know how that dream ended."
Julian blinked his vision clear and glanced at her, puzzled. "Which one?"
Ezri seemed a bit surprised. "Oh, I never told you, did I?" She shook her head. "As Ezri, I've never seen these caves before. But I dreamed about them once, when Worf and I were prisoners on the Breen vessel." She turned slightly away as she spoke, watching the prisms slowly shift with the setting sun.
All it took were the words "Breen vessel" to make Julian wonder if he wanted to ask any questions. His own experiences of Dominion hospitality were a sore subject. Still, what dream would she have about this place, and why would she think to tell him about it?
Ezri smirked without turning her head. "All right, Julian. I don't have to look at you to know that you're curious."
"Really, if you don't want to talk – "
A genuine smile lit her face. "Sorry, but I've know you for two lifetimes. That's one of your charms, really. Your heart's on your sleeve, even more so than most one-lives. I thought you couldn't lie for the longest time, and then – " She broke off, startled and annoyed with herself. "Ugh. Julian, I didn't mean to call you that. I can't believe how much I just sounded like…."
Julian grinned. "Freudian slip?"
"Freud would have disapproved of the term, but yes, I suppose." The light was beginning to fade, brilliant sunset colors slipping to twilight. Ezri lit the chemical lantern they'd brought and they started walking again, toward the tunnel that led to the top. "Anyway. They'd just captured us, and Worf and I... well, we weren't as comfortable around each other as we thought. I dreamed about an ice cave – one like this, almost. I was alone there, and I was being chased by someone in Breen armor. When I fell, he caught up to me. He put down the rifle and pulled off his helmet."
"And?"
Her eyes glittered as much as the cave. "I was about to ask why on the Winds you were wearing a Breen suit when Worf shook me awake."
Julian was a bit taken aback. But he didn't have time to ponder the implications of the dream before Ezri waved him forward. All at once, she seemed embarrassed. "We'd better get going," she said. "We're almost there."
*****
Just as darkness was falling, Julian and Ezri emerged from the tunnels into open air and walked to the highest point of the cliffs. They stood overlooking the tundra, Julian had no idea how long, huddled together against the thin rushing wind. Traces of atmospheric disturbance appeared high above them, playing over the sky in shimmering waves of color.
He forgot how long he'd been marveling when he looked around for Ezri. She stood a few meters away, hands behind her back, staring at the cold glitter of the stars. It seemed only an instant ago she was by his side.
"Ezri?"
Silence followed. She didn't turn around.
He walked toward her. Just as he approached, Dax turned her head away from the view, and Julian saw the sheen of tears in her eyes, tears that might have been from the wind but probably weren't.
The gulf between them had never felt so immense. He had to say something, even though his mind didn't offer much. "Ezri. What...?"
"I'm all right," she said. She wiped her eyes with the sleeve of her coat, but her voice was steady and clear. "I'm just remembering things, that's all."
"Old ghosts?" he said.
She smiled a faint, unfamiliar smile. "More than old ghosts." Then she looked at him, with compassion and remorse and the slightest trace of pity. "I'm sorry."
Julian shook his head, and neither said anything else.
The loss of words lasted through the return hike to base camp and followed them back to Caysil. It even stretched into the night, heavy enough to banish sleep for hours. At some point, when they were too tired to think anymore, Ezri turned over in the dark and reached for him. He responded, glad for the solace. Their rhythm was familiar and numbing, and it helped him to forget.
*****
The start of another gorgeous, postcard-perfect day was not a particularly pleasant one. Julian woke to the dim memory of Ezri slipping out of bed and getting dressed, quite early and quite hastily. For a long while, as he lay there listening to the lonely stillness, he was convinced that it would be hours before he saw her again, and even then their conversation would be stiff and awkward.
He ended up being wrong – spectacularly so. He found Ezri seated at the computer terminal of the living room. She wore neat, comfortable clothes and her entire posture radiated productive energy.
When she heard him approaching, she sprang from her seat and all but pounced on him.
After speech and regular breathing patterns became feasible, the best he could manage was a dazed "... Morning."
"I love you," Dax said firmly, putting hours of somber re-evaluation to complete waste. "All right?"
He laughed, because right now that was the only response that made sense. In the back of his mind, he found himself trying to remember if she'd ever actually said that to him before.
She darted back to the computer before he could ask her. "I'm glad you're up," she said, leaning over the console with a frown of concentration. "We'll have to hurry as it is, if we want to make check-out time."
"Check-out... of the hotel, you mean?"
"Yep."
"So we're leaving."
Dax shrugged. "I considered staying here and just beaming over they way we've been doing, but that would take too much time. Cheaper this way, too."
Julian was baffled, though he certainly wasn't complaining at the change in mood. "Ezri, did we have a conversation while I was sleeping or something?"
That made her giggle. She reached out to take his hand and pull him to the computer. "I managed to contact an old friend – lucky thing, since it's the middle of the night where he lives. He's agreed to arrange a few days' lodging for us." She smiled at him. "I have something else to show you."
Curiosity completely piqued, Julian glanced at the screen. He saw a global map, and an inset of a small district far inland from Caysil. "Beltarr," he read aloud.
"There's an abbey about ten kilometers outside of town," she said, pointing. "Small place, pretty secluded. An order of Guardians took up residence there five hundred years back and they've been there ever since."
He gave her a startled look. Ezri nodded in response. "They are keepers of the Symbiont pools, Julian. This is where Dax was born."
