~Hermione, Cho, Parvati, Pansy, Ginny, Lavender, Hannah, Padma, Eloise, Susan, Sally-Anne, Mandy, Blaise and Millicent appear in front of me, the author~

Hermione: I hope I'm not here so you can stick Harry's tongue down my throat again…

Me: No, it's not that-

Millicent: And why the hell am I here? I appear in the story like, three times

Me: Yes, I know that-

Sally-Anne: And me only once! The indignity of it!

Me: I'm hoping to change that, Sally, but-

Eloise: Well at least Miss Sally-Anne Priss here isn't mentioned because her nose is off-center! Which mine most definitely is not.

Me: Of course not, Eloise, dear-

Blaise: I'm just a damned Slytherin, and you damned authors don't even like Slytherins, we're not all damned Draco Malfoy clones you know!

Me: I like some Slytherins-

Cho: Well I, unlike you amateurs, am known for my flawless beauty.

Me: I wouldn't be one to judge that, Cho-

Millicent: So why the hell are we here?

Lavender: I'm totally missing Dawson's Creek, this better be good.

Me: I'll get to that in a second-

Parvati: Joshua Jackson is like, so fine….

Me: Unfortunately that won't fit into any of my stories at all-

Hannah: I'm blonde, I'm blonde, I'm B-L-O-…. I'm blonde!

Me: Yea, I think we have established that you're blonde-

Pansy: Why can't I be a Draco Malfoy clone? Or at least his girlfriend? You never made me and him go out in any of your stories, you know.

Me: Yes, I'm aware, that's only because-

Eloise: Flawless beauty? That's a laugh!

Cho: You wanna start sumthin with me girl? Take it to da hood!

Me: I'm not really sure when you picked up your ghetto, Cho, but-

Padma: Will everyone just Shut The Hell Up?

Me: Yes, thank you, Padma.

Millicent: What if I don't want to?

Me: I'm afraid that's not your choice, Millicent, as the author I can have you do anything I really want to-

Millicent: Bitch.

Hannah: Ugh! The sun, I swear, is bleaching up my hair!

Me: As if it isn't bleached enough…

Susan: Hey everybody! What about me? I get sorted and than, that's it. We don't even know what I look like!

Me: Well, I do. Please, everyone, be quiet.

Ginny: Kay.

Me: All right, this is the story.

Millicent: No shit.

Me: Please, restrain the language.

Mandy: Fuck.

Me: What was that for?

Mandy: I dunno. You said not to cuss. And I don't like fanfiction authors. So I cussed.

Me: Anyway….

Lavender: Could we hurry this up? If I don't get home soon I'll miss Felicity too!

Me: Tragedy….

Parvati: She's right! Like, we need to watch our soaps. That's just a non-written law among woman.

Me: You've hit the nail on the head, Parvati!

Parvati: What?

Hannah: Sometimes I hit myself on the head…

Me: Er, okay, Hannah.

Sally-Anne: What'd she say? I wanna big part, I wanna big part!

Me: Gads, your annoying. I should just kill you off here and now.

Sally-Anne: No! I just got a perm!

Blaise: It's all pedicures and perms for her, isn't it?

Millicent: I think so.

Me: You think? Nah, I'm messing. So, guys, listen up.

Ginny: Kay.

Hermione: Just so long as I'm not doing the nasty with Harry.

Me: I never had you do the nasty with Harry!

Hermione: Oh…right

Me: Uh, either way, the plot.

Padma: Yes, yes, get on with it!

Parvati: Like, yeah.

Me: As I was saying-

Eloise: Fuck. I don't like fanfiction authors either.

Me: Be that as it may, I have a story to lay out for you all.

Cho: If you must.

Me: Finally! Now, I'm going to send you all to a big house-with only one room. Equipped with everything. Big-screen TV and VCR, DVD, sleeping bags, pillows, popcorn, makeup, the works. Everything girls need for a proper sleep over. Because that's what you are all going to have-a sleep over. You're going to talk about guys, and clothes, and periods and bras. You're going to tell each other about school, popularity, and Cover Girl. Got it?

Mandy: Sounds iffy to me.

Lavender: Does the TV have cable?

Me: Yes, but that's not-

Parvati: Yes! Roswell reruns!

Me: I've lost them again.

Sally-Anne: This is going to be so much fun!

Millicent: Kill me. Kill me now.

Me: Oh, surely you don't mean that, Millicent?

Millicent: Forget it, I'll do it myself.

Ginny: Too bad Harry won't be there.

Me: That's the most you've said since you got here, Ginny, lighten up!

Ginny: Kay.

Susan: Get on with it, than.

Blaise: And I'm not just a damned Slytherin!

Me: I never said that!

Cho: Can we please just go? My evening facial begins in ten minutes.

Sally-Anne: Mine too!

Hannah: Am I showing enough cleavage?

Me: Do you have any? Nevermind, I don't want to know.

Pansy: Jesus, this is a waste of time.

Me: I'll have you guys there in just a sec, don't worry.

Hermione: I'm not ready yet!

Me: Too bad-here you go!

~Hermione, Cho, Ginny, Parvati, Lavender, Padma, Pansy, Eloise, Susan, Mandy, Sally-Anne, Hannah, Blaise and Millicent appear in huge room with things I described~