Disclaimers etc. from Part one apply. Dedicated anew to Chelle-sama, for courage in braving the trenches despite my computer's attempts to eat hers. Also a huge thank you to the readers, for courage in facing my fics. I swear, every time I open the Kitaku files I want to scream and run away.
* * *
Things were strange. They'd been strange ever since he'd pulled Tomoyo-san off of the sidewalk to talk about the newest song. That in itself had been odd; closed-in and quiet and he didn't remember much of what he'd said, although he must have gotten his request through somehow because this was the third day he'd been at Tomoyo's in the afternoon to work on their song. The first day had been the strangest; he'd kept waiting for something to happen, though he didn't know what. All that had happened was that he'd fallen hopelessly in love with a curvaceous beauty wearing an obscene amount of red.
Tomoyo's piano was brilliantly scarlet, not the glossy, classic black he'd expected. Eriol loved that piano. He loved the fact that the piano apparently embarrassed her; she'd blushed when she'd caught him staring at it, blushed and apologized. She'd gotten over the impulse to apologize for it quickly; though he supposed that she might have been taken aback by the way he dropped to his knees in front of it, tucking his head against the curve of its body. "I love this piano."
"And Tomoyo always hated it." There had been a bright flash of light then, as Sonomi had taken a quick picture.
"I never hated it." Tomoyo's lips had snaked up into a small smile that she tried to hide. "I don't hate it. It's just terribly tacky."
"Of course it is." Eriol had agreed and he'd stroked one hand along the satiny finish just to see her giggle again. "That's why I love it." He'd smiled at her grinning mother and bodyguards. "I'll trade you." He offered.
Sonomi snickered. "Find your own kitschy furniture." She smiled lovingly at Tomoyo. "I didn't know you were bringing anybody over today. I'll have Cook make extra tonight." Sonomi smiled again at him. "Quit groping the instrument or there won't be extra dessert." He'd laughed, had listened to Tomoyo's laugh and settled in to work.
And then things had been normal, mostly. He was getting forgetful, actually, and that seemed to be the main problem; there were times when he'd turn to ask Tomoyo a question and forget it entirely. Sometimes he'd miss the fact that Ruby Moon and Spinel had arrived at the Daidouji house, until one of them burst into the room with the announcement that the Udon was done and tonight it's Tanuki and if they didn't stop working, for just a little bit please, then Suppi would have their umeboshi. And since when had time ever flown so quickly? Eriol glared down at the piano keys suddenly. How could an entire afternoon pass into evening in the time it took Tomoyo to run through the scales and for them to fret over a handful of words and notes? Every day, too soon every day, Kaho pulled him away from the music and from Tomoyo's voice; he loved listening to Tomoyo sing. Even if all she was doing was trying out the different variations of the notes of the English words she'd insisted on having in the song. Kaho didn't seem to understand that listening to the nuances of Tomoyo's voice as it moved and winded around the words would help him find the very soul of the song.
"Eriol? Are you done, then?" Like now. Eriol frowned harder at the keys as Kaho's voice floated across the room. "My parents have been wondering where we keep disappearing off to each day." She laughed lightly.
Eriol plucked at a few keys, watching idly as Tomoyo rifled through her stack of music, looking for a particular cross-over that she thought might fit the song. "No they don't. Your mother asked me just today if I'd gotten any closer to finding my heart." He felt a frown tug at his face. "I didn't even know that she knew I was working on a song these days."
Kaho blew out a noisy breath. "Well, I do tend to talk of you while you're at the school. Are you finished?"
"No." He continued to pluck at the keys with no real form. "I want another run through with that cross-over."
"Eriol, really." He frowned again at her impatient sigh.
"Oh, they'll be at this all night." Sonomi's voice drew his gaze to the door. She smiled. "As much as I love watching Tomoyo sing, I've always been bored by watching her practice her scales." Something about the way she said it made him think that she didn't entirely mean what she said. "Why don't you join us in making gingerbread people? Nakuru-san is almost finished mixing the dough and I think I'm going to need help decorating if the size of her 'tiny' batch is anything to go by. We should have enough to last until Christmas. Possibly even until the New Year and after."
Kaho smiled politely, the cold smile that Eriol hated. "I'm quite sorry that Akizuki-san is putting you to so much trouble. She's tends to over-react around the holidays, and I'm afraid that, for some reason, November the first seems to mark the season for her. I'm sure we can take the dough back to the hotel and take care of matters there."
Sonomi waved away Kaho's objections. "It's no bother at all. I rather enjoy having her around, actually. Tomoyo was such a quiet child; it's nice to see what I didn't entirely miss." She winked at Eriol. "She's very energetic." Kaho was still smiling the polite smile as she followed Sonomi to the kitchen. Eriol took a deep breath and turned to watch the dark-haired girl across the room. He wondered if she'd remained oblivious to Kaho's attempts to hurry him out.
"I've found it." Tomoyo sounded triumphant, holding aloft a sheet of music. "I think it'll work well with the last verse." Her smile was strained; she'd noticed. "Right here…What's this?" She'd pointed to the last verse, but her eyes had been drawn up to the words he'd been idly filling in above. "Walk with me by the ocean/ let's watch the lights of the city from the train?" She blinked at him. "That is so terribly clichéd. I knew the piano had to be affecting you." She leaned over his shoulder to snatch up his pen and begin her corrections.
He leaned back slightly, just enough to feel the warmth of her behind him. "Clichéd, me? Tomoyo-san, I am not the person who hid the moon in the moon castle with a snow rabbit for company." He murmured. He could smell gingerbread and something else, something that reminded him of his gardens. He took another deep breath, closing his eyes as he did so, trying to capture more of the warmth. "If I didn't know better, I'd be surprised that Yue didn't hate Clow for that."
"Hmm." Eriol felt the lightest of touches on his hair; just a gentle, shifting, stroking contact. It made him sigh. It made him want to pull her hand down along his cheek, hold it, nuzzle into it; he'd been so cold lately. The hand in his hair moved away. "You seem very tired, Eriol-san. I don't mean to keep you if you'd rather be elsewhere."
"No." He tilted his head back, feeling his hair brush against the fabric of her dress. "I don't want to be anywhere else." Tomoyo nodded, eyes still locked on his. For some reason it made him feel…connected. "Sit by me?" He asked softly. "Sit by me and sing."
She swallowed and shook her head. Eriol shook his own head in confusion. "I…I need to be standing if I'm going to sing my best." She explained, hushed. "And there's not enough room, you'll hardly be able to play."
"I just want to hear you." He pushed, though he didn't know why. "Hearing you helps me feel it better. It's like you know what my heart really means, when you sing." She nodded once, eyes wide, and came around to sit beside him on the bench; flush against him as he launched quietly into the opening bars of music. Tomoyo hummed nearly inaudibly at his side and the sound seemed to resonate inside of him.
"How such a small happiness is warming our important moments," Smooth words, soft voice, Eriol let himself relax into the sound. "Hey, inside this heart and mind, I began to feel such a kind of feeling…your eyes, your voice, all of them I cared the most."
Tomoyo moved into the first chorus, into her correction of his, and he could admit it, clichéd lines and he couldn't help himself. He joined her as she sang lines that seemed to echo inside his head. "The beginning of a little story on the eve's falling snow, the true self I've fallen in love with, don't let go of these hands…" She made him sigh. "Walking our future together in each footstep," He leaned into her, just a little, "How warm, how gentle, hugging you deeply as my winter wish."
He didn't notice when Kaho came back into the room as they started again, singing it together the whole way through, Tomoyo changing words here and inflections there. He noticed only faintly when Ruby Moon, Spinel and Sonomi clustered in the door of the music room, sighing, as they began a third time. Kaho called him to himself before he could start a fourth time, and he left, even though he wanted to stay.
i can't explain, all it means
just to be here with you
and by looking in your eyes it was worth everything
sanity, you and me
and the rest can fade
~~Now You're Gone; Luckie Strike, Unreleased song (that means it's not currently on CD, darn the luck!)
She hates this new song. No, that isn't true. The song is lovely. She hates the fact that Eriol, who never sings at all at home, was singing tonight. Leaning into Daidouji, letting her lean against him, and both of them singing softly as though the song had caught them in the moment. Or, she glosses over the thought, as though they had captured the song in the moment. It's nothing, she dismisses it to herself. The only thing that really bothers her about this song is that it's distracted him entirely from his work. This trip has distracted him from his work. Daidouji…well, it hardly matters what Daidouji's intentions are. Kaho's one real hope for this trip is that perhaps Eriol will become more interested in his studies of magic after seeing how well Sakura-chan handles her powers. Even the Li, much as she dislikes him, is managing a respectable amount of power. Unfortunately, the magic seems to be a low priority for Eriol. In fact, even thinking about magic doesn't seem to be happening now, thanks to the school and after school and the song.
"Eriol, I'm worried about you." She tells him earnestly as they walk back to the suite. She is quite worried about him. While there is no true age for developing powers, the earlier one starts, the better. He used to use his magic all the time, but now…lately. "You haven't been practicing your skills lately and not at all since we've been here." She smiles, tucking her hand into his as they make their way down the lamp-lit streets. It's so late; they shouldn't have stayed so long at Daidouji's, no matter Daidouji-sama's protestations.
Eriol, however, snorts at her concern. "I've been practicing. I worked on my glamours just this week." He starts to snicker, drawing his hand out of hers to push his glasses up.
"Is that why you felt all skittery? With all those long, spindly, prickly legs?" Akizuki tucks her chin into the curve of his shoulder. "Suppi said you were doing something weird and we had to send you power so you could stop being all spiny."
"Spinel, Ruby Moon." Spinel sighs. "And she's quite right. You shouldn't practice that so far away from us. You were very nearly stuck like that until dark. It's not like we can travel easily during the day in our true forms."
She's frowning hard at Akizuki and Spinel when Eriol stops in the street, apparently aghast. "Is that how I managed?" His voice is jagged. She lays a hand on his shoulder, feeling it quake.
"Eriol?" Something is wrong, desperately wrong.
He bursts out in uncontrolled laughter. "Oh, that's horrible! It's just…oh, don't you dare let on to Xiao-Lang that you helped me!" He's doubled over, clutching his sides. Tears are streaming down his cheeks and he's turning red with exertion. "He said, when he had me up the tree, he said that I'd be lucky to turn myself back to normal so soon after changing…and, and…and…" He's hiccupping and stuttering around breathless gales. "Oh, he was so right. I was lucky." He sinks to the sidewalk, headless of the grime and leans back against a streetlamp. "Oh, that is just perfect. Xiao-Lang was right. He really could take me in a fight. He was using attack fire, protective wind and holding an avoidance sphere the entire time, and I could barely manage a mis-done glamour. His weaknesses to my strengths and he could probably beat me without even trying." He's still breathing unsteadily and as he passes one hand over his eyes, pushing his glasses up and out of his way, she can see tears, new tears, glittering in his eyes. "He's more than my match, it seems."
"Well, don't do it again." Akizuki mutters. "You felt all crawling-weird." She mimes an exaggerated shudder. "I didn't like feeling you like that."
Spinel nods in agreement. "It's somewhat disconcerting to go from 'gloating and taunting' to 'insect', Eriol."
Kaho ignores them, concentrating on those fresh tears. "Are you alright, darling?" She asks, crouching down to look him in the eyes. She has to cup his chin to bring his eyes to hers. And yes, there are definitely new tears there. And she understands. "Poor darling," She murmurs to him, stroking her fingers under his eyes, drying his sadness. "It won't last. He's just had more practice lately. You'll get stronger, you'll see. He won't be able to out-match you for long."
He blinks, gripping her hand before pushing himself to his feet. "What?" She stands as well, touching her fingers to his cheek again, pulling her hand back to show him his own tears. "No," He says softly, and she sees a wave of understanding pass through his eyes even in his denial. "It's not like that, Kaho." He shakes his head. She shakes hers as well, telling him as best she can with this lump of sadness for him in her throat, that she understands him utterly. "I'm proud of him, Kaho." He says, stepping away from her as she shakes her head once again. Doesn't he know by now that he doesn't have to be brave for her? "I'm proud of him, of what he's done, the things he'll do one day." He is such a dear boy, so sweet, trying to hide away his disappointment in his failure, in being bested by a disrespectful child such as Li Syaoran. "You don't understand." He says finally. His voice is strained. Oh, darling, she thinks, as she reaches for him. He needs all the reassurances she can offer him; she's been waiting to offer to him.
"Oh, Eriol, I understand; I don't think that you do." Kaho sighed softly, her voice sweet. "You're young yet, and Clow's feelings left a great impression on you."
I've never known you
and I never will
What difference
Does indifference take
~~ The Niles Edge; VAST, Visual Audio Sensory Theater
Eriol felt himself go still inside and out. A cold wind seemed to be sweeping through him. "What don't I understand?" It was a wonder that his breath didn't make ice crystals in the air, he thought idly.
Kaho caressed his face gently. "Clow was tired and he was unable to control his power. He didn't want his powers. And he left you to deal with breaking them."
"They were my powers, too." He reminded her. He felt like he was incased in ice. And when Ruby Moon made to come to his side, he motioned her away.
"I know that, darling." Kaho murmured and patted his cheek. "And under Clow's directive you got rid of them. But they were your powers, and you hadn't even really had time to get to use them and work with them. You didn't even really know what you could do."
"I knew." Short and terse and didn't Kaho remember that he remembered spending a lifetime as Clow Reed? Faint, yes, and misty now with time passed and powers severed, but he knew. Knew Clow's hunger for an ordinary life, for simple things and the knowledge that he didn't know what tomorrow would bring. He knew. Oh yes, he knew. He'd wanted all the same things.
"Not really, darling not really. Given a lifetime, Eriol, you could have harnessed Clow's power, learned to control them the way that Sakura-chan can control hers. But you felt that you had to break them, because that's what Clow wanted, because Clow couldn't control them." Kaho sighed and smiled a bit sadly into Eriol's eyes. "Poor darling. And now you have to start over from practically the beginning."
'Poor darling', 'start over'? "What?" It was all he could manage.
Kaho giggled and kissed his cheek. "You think I don't recognize what you're feeling?" She hugged him and whispered softly in his ear. "You created your own Clow deck. You created a Moon Guardian and a Sun Guardian." She drew away from him and smiled. "You want to be a magician. You want your powers back. You want to be Clow Reed. And better than him." Her smile went tender. "I'll help you, darling. I'll help you to do it."
Eriol wondered how in the world a frozen heart could beat. It must still be beating; that blooming pain in his chest could come from nothing else. "I'm going for a walk." He managed. "I need to think." He brushed past Spinel and Ruby Moon, unable to bear their concerned touches on his overly sensitive skin. He needed to think. He didn't dare touch them; he didn't want to freeze them with his ice. He left them standing on the sidewalk, Spinel urging them to return to the hotel and reassuring that Eriol would come back in his own due time. He didn't really listen.
His steps must have carried him automatically to King Penguin Park. He didn't remember the walk. He didn't remember much until he was standing on the bridge over the stream. She'd said it. Kaho had said aloud the one thing he hadn't been able to bear having her think about. She believed it. She felt it was true. He fingered the deck in his pocket and he considered throwing them all in the water. He debated making it rain. He gave serious thought to crying.
Eriol didn't know how long he stood there, waffling, before Tomoyo found him. It was only when she spoke that he realized the moon had already risen and set. How long ago had he left Kaho on the sidewalk? Since he'd left the haven of Tomoyo's house? He didn't have the faintest of clues.
"Eriol-san? What--?" Her voice was soft, concerned, and warm. He flinched and watched as she bit her lip. She reached out one hand, tentatively, and he almost said 'don't' but she'd touched his sleeve before he had time to warn her. Her touch was searing. The ice, he noted, did not seem to affect her. "Eriol-san, I'm going over to teeter-totter to play." She tugged gently on his sleeve and he followed her, grateful that she said nothing else, that she seemed content to sit on the teeter-totter and go, mindlessly, up and down.
She sat sidesaddle because of her skirt, a small thing that amused him. Daidouji Tomoyo-san, so proper that she wouldn't sit astride, yet apparently sneaking out of bed in the middle of the night and meeting boys in the park. She'd probably get pulled home by her bodyguards. He felt a small smile drift across his face and the pain in his chest evaporated as though it had, almost, never been. He knew himself. Kaho was wrong. She had to be.
In the end, it was he who broke their silence.
Oh so much for nothing,
But nothing means so much.
I know it's touching,
But I've been out of touch.
~~Finding Me; Vertical Horizon, Everything You Want
"Tomoyo-san?" Eriol spoke, startling her. He'd been so quiet tonight. Sad, she thought, confused, remote. He hadn't spoken nor had he taken his eyes off of her. It had been almost disconcerting, but she hadn't taken her eyes off of him either. She'd traced those unfamiliar, familiar features a thousand times in this last week and knew them by heart this night. He needed something, she was sure. What it was, she didn't know. She'd give it to him, if she could.
"Hmm?"
"Tomoyo-san, why did I create Ruby Moon and Spinel Sun?" He planted his feet, holding them balanced in the air. She kicked her feet absentmindedly, watching a small cloud of dust raise and settle, and considered.
"Why do I think you did it?" She asked.
"In twenty-one words or less, please." He laughed, a hollow sound, a wrong sound.
She answered instantly, honestly, with the total truth. "Because you love them."
He blinked at her, raising one eyebrow. Tomoyo laughed quietly at his expression; honestly, why was he so confused by such an obvious thing? She slipped off the playground equipment and crossed over to settle in the sand next to Eriol. He lowered himself to the ground and turned to face her, his elbows resting on his knees, chin on his fists. "I did it because I love them?"
Tomoyo wondered how to explain to him this feeling of certainty. "Kinomoto-papa once told Sakura-chan that he would love Nadeshiko-obasan over a thousand lifetimes. I asked him about that, and about my mother, when I talked to him. How could he love Mother if he would always love his first wife? He said the same thing you said about loving more than one person in life. And then he told me that in every life we love somebody, and we still love them into the next life and if we didn't gather them to us, how could we ever be truly happy? And you love Ruby Moon and Spinel. It doesn't matter if it was fate or if it was just hard work and want that brought them to you."
Eriol fished about in his pocket and held up between them a tiny gold key. The next second Tomoyo watched it grow into a large staff holding the sun and the moon. She watched Eriol watch the moonlight glint off the gold. "You sound sure. How do you know I didn't do it because I want to be like Clow Reed? Maybe it's a subconscious desire of mine."
Tomoyo placed one hand over his on the staff. "You don't want that." It was all she said; it was all she felt needed to be said on the matter. She moved her hand away. Having it on his made it tingle and this wasn't, she reminded herself, about that. It was never going to be about that, and it didn't matter as long as he was her friend. He loved her all the same.
He surprised her, however. Eriol reached out and grabbed her hand, holding it in his; the staff, hidden in the key again, pressed warmly between their palms. "It's late, Tomoyo-san. I'll walk you home." His face and voice were intense but there was a smile in his eyes. Both made her feel dizzy.
He held her hand all the way home.
He released her hand at her at the front gate, but followed her as she made her way to the hedge with the gap in it: He tucked his hand and his key into his pocket. "Tomoyo-san? Why were you out tonight?" A good question, actually. She'd been tired even before he'd left and then, for some reason, she'd felt compelled to go out walking. She'd gone to King Penguin Park as quickly as she'd been able.
'I was following my heart.' She thought, but did not say. "I like to go walking at night." She told him instead; a true half-truth.
"Very often?" He smiled at her with guarded eyes. Tomoyo bit her bottom lip briefly.
"Sometimes I can't. But it's been so nice lately that I like to try." She said finally, wanting to put her hand on his arm, or draw him into her arms. He was close enough, if she chose to. She didn't; he seemed sharp-edged and brittle, as though exposed the harsh whims of the elements.
Eriol nodded faintly. "Will you try to come out walking with me tomorrow night? I feel like I've hardly had a chance to see you at all."
"Of course I will." She wondered how much of her heart was audible in her voice. It didn't matter, she decided. Her answer made him smile.
"Alright." He reached out suddenly, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear and she imagined that his fingers lingered just slightly. "I'll meet you at the bench by the school gates." He smiled, suddenly silly, grabbed her hand and kissed it firmly. "Goodnight, Tomoyo-san."
She waited until he'd rounded the corner before whispering
her own goodnight. " Sweet dreams, Eriol-san."
He's no more wise or
so he thinks
What did he learn from this life
Tells no more lies to himself
What can he take to the next one
~~Complicated; Karma, Standing in the Light
Tomoyo bit her lip, hugging her arms to her chest. It was cold and Eriol was late. She'd have left, she thought, if not for the fact that last night Eriol had looked as though a stiff breeze would shatter him. Maybe he'd talk about it tonight, maybe not. He had looked a lot better in school; cheerful as ever, a little tired. She'd been tired too and she hadn't had to walk back to a hotel at nearly two in the morning. Perhaps he meant not to come walking, he was probably too tired. But he'd left a note in her school satchel. Well, not a note, really; Kino Makoto in her Juuban uniform paper with a time written on it and a rough sketch of herself and Sakura bent across the space between their desks, whispering. She'd kept it. It was at home, in the same box with all of his letters. So funny, once, that she saved all of his letters to her, even those first few.
"You look cold." Eriol remarked, strolling down the street as though he owned it. "Why didn't you bring your coat?" She smiled, coming to her feet as he reached the bench, hand out-stretched to help her. Tomoyo couldn't help wishing she'd waited as he lowered his hand.
"I couldn't exactly leave through the front door." He arched an eyebrow at her in question. "You should try getting past Kinyue-san someday and see how easy a time you have."
He nodded amicably. "I suppose they only buy the 'I want a drink of water' story so many times before they get suspicious." He smiled at her, warm and happy and bright. "I'm glad you went through the effort."
"I am too; even if it does means having to wear my choir cloak." She ducked her head slightly, afraid of blushing under the lamplight, and gestured to the night at large. "Can we walk; would you mind? It's warmer to walk than to sit still." She startled as he wrapped his hand around hers.
"Your fingers are cold." He said. "The park?" He asked, tugging on her hand as he started to walk. "I like it there." Something about it struck her as funny and she giggled. His mouth tilted into a small smile as he waited for her to share the joke.
It was her turn to draw him forward. "I was thinking of all the times 'something mysterious' happened at the park." She confessed. "In hindsight, it's easy to say 'of course he likes it there'. A lot of things happened there." She shivered slightly as his thumb rubbed absently over the back of her hand. "Attacking us with Emperor Penguin wasn't very nice." He squeezed her hand lightly.
"I did fix it, you know." Eriol's voice was mild, his smile affectionate. "And chasing you around the elementary school with a grand piano was worse. Poor piano." He mourned with a hearty sigh. "I had to fix that too. And the fence and the door and the wall; you were nothing but trouble, Tomoyo-san."
She nodded, her lips pursed. "It was terrible of me to put you to so much trouble." She stopped on the bridge where they'd met the other night and gazed down at the water. "Next time I'll hold still so that your enchanted minion can squash me into paste."
"I'd never have let that happen." Eriol was watching the water flow, a small smile on his face. He turned it to her for a moment before looking back. "I was very sorry for having frightened you so badly, actually. I felt worse after turning the school into a maze."
Something about the way he said it made her heart leap. "You left me flowers." She said, remembering the way that her shoe-locker had been crammed with them days later.
Eriol's lips curved before he frowned. "Who says?" She shook her head at him and he sighed gustily. "Okay, okay, so unless he offended you greatly most admirers wouldn't cram your locker full of purple hyacinth, peonies, and marigolds, but that doesn't mean it was me."
"Funny, Eriol-san, I don't remember you being at school when I had to empty my locker to find my shoes. Do they actually have meaning then?" She watched as he turned red. "Ah." It charmed her that he would know what the flowers meant. "They were a lovely apology."
"You're welcome, Tomoyo-san. Could we talk about something else?" She giggled as he pulled her away from the bridge and in the direction of the teeter-totter. "Tell me something." He ordered.
She tilted her head and studied him as he brought her to stand by the big penguin slide. "Tell you what?" She needed to get control of her heart, before it made her do something utterly stupid, but standing in the shadows with him didn't help her. She turned blind eyes to the moon as it slid behind the clouds.
"Anything." He sounded so happy. "I feel like I haven't said two words to you since I arrived. Tell me something true. Something I don't know."
I love you. "My fingers are cold." Fairly safe and certainly true enough but he looked puzzled as he stepped in front of her, drawing her eyes to his face. He lifted the hand he held, bringing it to eye level. She gazed past it, eyes on him as he raised one eyebrow. "My other fingers." She should go home. It was late, it was cold and she'd been gone for so long already. And Eriol was too beautiful to look at.
"Oh." His voice was thoughtful. He cupped his free hand around her cold one. He brought that hand up too and then he wiped out her thin line between what this was about and what she wanted it to be about by bringing both hands to rest over his heart, his covering hers. "Better?" His voice was rougher than she'd ever heard it before.
"No." Her breath was coming in hitches and she couldn't seem to stop it.
"Oh." And then he kissed her.
Midnight will ask
you once again,
With words un-weary,
Does it steal your breath away?
~~Loom; Iris, Disconnect
He knew, knew, that he shouldn't have kissed her, that he absolutely shouldn't have kept kissing her. He drew back to apologize but got only as far as uttering 'Tomoyo' in a deepened voice before kissing her again; kissing her more roughly and desperately than he ever would have intended to kiss her, if indeed he'd ever dreamed of intending to do so. He couldn't seem to stop either. He drew back, kept pulling away from her warm, smooth mouth, getting only as far as her name before drowning himself in another kiss. "Tomoyo." He breathed, tangling his hands in her hair, cupping her cheek. "Tomoyo-san." He whimpered as she stretched up to meet his next kiss with her own; her hands sliding up to his shoulders, pulling him down to her as she whispered his name back to him.
"Eriol." She whispered over and over again, a little breathless, faintly sad, and he had to kiss her again. To steal her breath away because he was certain that he wouldn't be able to remain standing if she said his name that way again. And it was crazy to be kissing her like this, here, where anybody could see them, with the moonlight strong enough to cast shadows whenever the clouds moved. Tomoyo's hands slid off his shoulders moving over his chest again, grasping handfuls of his shirt repeatedly as his mouth moved on hers. Lunacy, it was lunacy and Eriol blamed the moon as he brought one hand to the ties of her cloak, waiting, his breath coming in raged gasps and his body humming. Her hand dropped from his chest to cover his hand, whether to help or hinder he didn't know, as a voice intruded on the night.
"Tomoyo-sama?" Tomoyo jerked in his arms, whirling to face the entrance of the park.
"It's Toshi-san." She said quietly. "I've got to go…she can't find me here with you. Not at this time of night!" She made it three steps before he caught her hand.
"Tomoyo, wait." She stopped and let herself be pulled back into his arms. He reached out and ran his thumb over her lower lip. Her breath caught, he noted. So did his. "They won't need to find you with me, not if they see you looking like this. You look…" He trailed off, uncertain of how to phrase it gently.
She laughed softly. "Much the same as you do, I imagine." She brushed a quick hand through his hair, straightening.
He drew back, reaching into his pocket. "Illusion." He spoke, tossing the card into the air. The key in his pocket glowed as the card vanished. "It'll cover you. I can only hold this card for an hour or so." He said in hushed tones. He drew their joined hands up and kissed the inside of her wrist, scraped his teeth across it gently and kissed it again. "Go, Tomoyo."
She didn't go. She stepped toward him; her head tilting back, arms coming up, eyes dark. "Eriol…" She murmured.
"Tomoyo-sama?" The voice was closer now. Much closer. Tomoyo dropped his hand, stepped back, and ran.
Eriol stared after her, straining his ears to hear her voice as she chatted amiably with her bodyguards. And he contemplated utter madness. He'd have moved toward the voices if not for the sound of four paws and two feet hitting the sidewalk. He turned and faced his guardians. Spinel Sun and Ruby Moon were watching him. Eriol was sure that they'd witnessed at least part of what had happened. He didn't speak.
"I'll go back," Spinel Sun said, facing his companion, "and let Mizuki-sensei know he's safe." With a nod to his master, Spinel Sun launched off. Eriol watched him go and then sat heavily on one of the smaller penguins.
"Kaho." He breathed, shaken. "Kaho." He hadn't thought of her, not until Spinel had said her name. "Tomoyo-san." He winced. "What have I done?"
Ruby Moon cocked her head. "You've just kissed Tomoyo-chan." She changed into her false form and extended a hand to him, pulling him to his feet. "She, Mizuki-sensei I mean, said she was worried about you. Spinel said she was more upset than concerned." Ruby Moon tugged him in the direction of the hotel, conjuring flowers out of thin-air. He barely noted it even though they had spent weeks going over that spell together. "I say she was afraid."
Eriol let her lead him back to their rooms, allowing her to stuff her flowers in his shirt along the way. "Ruby Moon, what have I done?" He asked plaintively.
Ruby Moon blinked at him, looking quite surprised and a trifle amused. "Don't you know?" She asked him before sliding into the common room of their suite. "We're back." She sang, "And we've had a lovely walk home from the park."
I feel so peculiar; I don't know what to say
But don't let that fool you; I'm not one bit afraid,
No way.
~~Hello; Sugarbomb, Bully
She wonders if tonight will be the first time that he lies to her. When she sent Ruby Moon and Spinel Sun out (reluctantly) to look for him, she was very certain that he would be with her, with Daidouji Tomoyo. The guardians had been so averse to finding him, insisting that he was safe and that they sensed no danger around him. She wonders if they will lie to her, especially since Spinel Sun is the first to return. Alone.
"He's been walking in the park." Is all he will say and he slips easily into the smaller, false form. Which is just as well, Ruby Moon's false form has just arrived, with Eriol in tow. She thinks that he looks off-center and so she focuses on him, letting Akizuki-san babble something about flowers and the night and the park. Eriol is shaking flowers out of his shirt, rumpled and out of sorts.
"You were late." She cuts across Nakuru's monologue. "I was worried." Her voice, she knows, is icy and thin. She can't help it. She really was worried. She is more worried now, however. He flashes a quick smile, one that she used to find reassuring, and kneels to pick up the crushed blossoms.
"I've been feeling a little edgy lately." He explains. "I thought a walk might help. I thought I told you that I'd be going out." He had, actually. But it hadn't stopped her from worrying. And she has noticed his edginess. She is, she believes, the only one who knows the why of it. It's the letters; or rather, the lack of them. If they'd been home, in England, he'd have already had at least two letters, maybe even more, from Daidouji-chan. He'd have certainly written her at least once. And he'd have his study.
Her room, she thinks of it as. The place he goes to be alone with her. It is the place where he reads and writes and saves all his letters from Daidouji. He hasn't had that here in Japan and she, Kaho, has been doing her level best to keep Eriol from spending any large amount of time with Tomoyo. He's certainly not been alone with her since they arrived. It's not even been a full two weeks. Somehow she's always thought that it would take more time than this. Not, she tells herself, that there is anything more to this that what Daidouji feels; and what Daidouji feels is confusing him, making him act like this. Perhaps when they're back in England she'll say something to him after all.
It is a special sort of torment, but she needs to ask, to know. "Did it? Help, I mean." She waits for his response impatiently, noting that his fingers have stilled on a piece of forget-me-not. He traces a petal before gathering the lot together and dumping them into the trash bin.
"No." He says. "I can't say that it did." She can't read his face and wonders when it happened that she stopped being able to read his every mood. "I'm going to have a shower." He says suddenly. "I think there were ants on more than one of the flowers." He moves steadily for the bathroom, pausing at the door. "Why don't you go on to bed, Kaho." And she wonders if she pushes him, will he lie to her tonight?
One more time
in one more life
Another day and lonely night
~~Through with Heartbreak; Not Long After, On the Road to Somewhere
Eriol hadn't come to school. Terada-sensei said that he was busy packing and preparing to leave. Yamazaki had gotten a phone call early this morning as well. So had Sakura-san; even Li-kun had been informed that Hiiragizawa wouldn't be in today. So. So, Tomoyo thought, he was avoiding her, even though all the phone calling told her that perhaps he'd been considering calling her too but hadn't because…last night…She'd seen Spinel Sun and Ruby Moon waiting in the branches of the elm tree as she'd left. Mizuki-sensei knew then. The only question that remained was; why, exactly, was Eriol avoiding her? His plane left early in the morning. But there was no real reason for him to miss school today; packing took very little time if one was experienced at it, which she knew him to be. Was it Mizkui's feelings or his own that kept him away? Perhaps neither, perhaps her own. She loved him, but she was, and always has been, happy to settle for his friendship, if she could have it. They would need to talk before he left. It was time, she mused, to finally lay all the cards on the table.
"Make sure he's alone before you give it to him." Tomoyo told the hotel concierge. "That's very important." The man stared openly at her.
"Miss, you do realize that he's traveling with somebody, right?" He said, delicately. Tomoyo fixed him with the glassy-cold stare her mother had perfected in the boardroom.
"You'll make sure he receives this when he is alone," She said calmly, "Even if you have to call him down under other pretenses." Her smile had fangs. "The document is rather time sensitive." The older man blinked. He cleared his throat.
"Of course, miss." He muttered rapidly.
She turned to go and he breathed a quiet sigh of relief, which she caught as she turned back. "Oh," She said causally, "and if, for some reason, it is not delivered, do let me know." She bowed ever so slightly. "I'm Daidouji Tomoyo. Shall I leave my number or do you have it?"
The concierge gulped. "I've got it, Daidouji-san." He said quickly. Tomoyo was pleased to see him holding up the envelope ever so slightly.
"Good." She smiled, a real smile, and left the hotel.
And you're not thinking about
tomorrow,
'Cause you were the same as me,
But on your knees.
~~Black Balloon; Goo Goo
Dolls, Dizzy up the Girl
He is warm but very formally polite with her parents, at least that she has seen. When she is there. He seems to get on better with them when she is not around, or so she's learned. She is well aware of why this is. Her parents don't approve of her choice and have said as much to his face.
"It is not that you're young." Her mother says, every single time, bowing. "Only that you're not right." She says it when Kaho can't control her irritation at why they can't be better friends when she is there; why they must act as strangers when the reason that they even know each other is sitting in the room with them, holding the hand of one and calling the others 'mama' and 'papa'.
It's not his magic that they object to, either. The fact that his power is only half of what it was seems to matter very little. She doesn't understand why this is. It certainly bothers her; poor Eriol was forced to halve his powers without a real chance to get to use them aside from in the fulfillment of Clow's wishes. He still doesn't understand what he's lost. This doesn't alarm her parents either even though her parent's main goal at the Shrine has always been to help people know and understand themselves. They actually, according to her father, rather like Eriol; apparently his lack of powers and self-inspection and his age are no concern to them. They like him, but not with her, for her. It 'isn't right'. She makes him talk to them when she calls and of course, these visits. She is, she supposes, hoping that they will come to accept his place in her life.
That doesn't erase the distance between them. The distance that isn't there when he talks to Daidouji Sonomi. He'd been warm and laughing with her while he'd sampled Akizuki's gingerbread families and had tea. If he'd been eleven yet he'd have been a smiling cherub, feet swinging and unable to touch the ground.
He'd known that Daidouji-sama liked milk and honey in tea and that the blend was her own. He'd had tea with her the week before, apparently. The worst part of that, she feels, is the fact that he mentioned having had tea with Daidouji Sonomi as an afterthought. As something so typical and welcome that it hadn't even been worth mentioning.
"Oh, no, Fujitaka-sensei was busy so Sonomi-sama and I had tea with each other instead." And he'd smiled that smile she used to love so much. If she's honest, she still loves that smile…but before she was never afraid of what it might mean.
Her parents are, even now, wondering about what he will do…what she'll do 'after him'. It seems to be one of their favorite past-times. It comes up every week when she calls. Will she go back? Will she stay 'after this' or would she leave to never come back? She ignores them as they question her in favor of watching Eriol sit at the Moon Pond. She wonders if he's trying to divine his future or his fortune. She wonders what he is looking for and wishes that he wasn't looking for anything at all.
Can you make me a
promise?
Stop it before we begin.
~~Freak of the Week; Marvelous 3, Hey! Album
He paced the suite in a feral mood. He wanted to be out, outside walking, getting rid of this tension he carried. He didn't dare. Some sixth sense told him that Tomoyo was out there. It had been screaming all day. Eriol leaned his forehead against the cool glass of the window. He couldn't see her, of course, but that same sixth sense was screaming that Tomoyo-san, with her soft voice and smiling lips, was out there, somewhere; Tomoyo, with that glorious hair that his hands were drawn too, was out there in the night and Eriol knew that it would be suicide to leave the hotel. He'd find her, go straight to her and whatever was left of his sanity…he sighed deeply. Whatever was left of his sanity would go straight to hell, stopping only to climb merrily into the hand-basket.
He shoved himself away from the window suddenly and strode to the door. He paused. He was most certainly mad. He must be, to even think of leaving the room.
"Where are you going, Eriol?" Kaho was reading in their room. "Walking?" Her voice was sharp and it grated on his senses.
"Yes. No. Down to the lobby, for coffee." Eriol twisted the knob violently. "I'll be back later." He muttered. He didn't even like coffee.
Down in the lobby was no better. If anything, it was worse than being in the room. He could see the door, open to let the night air in. He paced past it and drank cup after cup of coffee, snarling slightly. When the concierge approached him nervously, Eriol nearly took the poor man's head off. Until he saw what the other man was clutching and stammering about.
Eriol snatched the pale blue envelope from his hands as he stuttered. "She was most adamant, the young lady, sir…she was most certain that you were to be on your own…the lady, Miss Daidouji…"
"I know who it's from." Eriol stated brusquely, irritated by the man's nervous demeanor and anxious to read the letter. "Leave." He snapped when the man made no move to leave him to his own business. The man left. Quickly.
Part of him settled considerably just holding the letter in his hands. The rest of him thrummed with suppressed energy. He wanted to tear into the letter, but the part of him that had calmed made him open it carefully, gently, and pull the paper out slowly. His fingers tightened as he realized he could smell Tomoyo's perfume on the paper. And he wondered that he knew that scent from scores of letters and had only just realized it now.
One line graced the page: Will you come to see me tonight?
Eriol sucked in a hissing breath as the baser part of his nature came to the fore. He shoved the letter back into the envelope and marched to the concierge desk. He slapped the envelope onto it, in front of the stuttering employee. "Hold on to this for me." He said trapping the envelope suddenly with the flat of his hand as the concierge made to pick it up. "It goes into the safe. Nobody sees it but me. Nobody knows a thing about it." The twice-terrorized employee nodded jerkily. Eriol headed for the door. "And call up to my room. Let them know that I've decided on a walk after all."
His feet moved him automatically toward the park and he wished that there were clouds to cover the moon, so that he wouldn't think about last night. Or maybe so that he could think about it more. But Tomoyo was not at the park, nor was she waiting at the bench they'd met at, when he traced his steps back. She wasn't at the hedge that she used to sneak into and out of the house. She was not in any of the places that she had been. But tonight, tonight a faint light shone in her room and the door on her balcony stood open. Eriol compressed the base part of his nature ruthlessly.
His fingers found the card with unerring accuracy. "Move." He whispered his eyes fixed on her balcony and the light in her room.
It's hard to know
How far it all could go,
Waiting far too long
For something I forgot was wrong
~~Until I Fall Away; Gin Blossoms, New Miserable Experience
Tomoyo was working on the ruffle of a baby's bonnet when she heard footsteps into her room. From the direction of her opened patio door. She felt her breath catch in her throat, but she didn't look up until she'd finished the gather she'd been working on. She laid it aside on the arm of the couch with a small smile, still not looking at him.
"Akiko-san, one of mother's bodyguards, left us last year because she was having a baby." She said softly by way of explanation.
"I remember." He said and she chanced a look at his face. He was still and quiet and humming with controlled energy. She drew her legs up onto the sofa beside her and looked back at the lace bonnet.
"Yes, I remember telling you about it." She said inanely. "She had it yesterday evening; a little girl. Toshi-san told me about it after…after…" She felt her cheeks heat. "After the park." She finished softly.
Eriol made a restless motion and moved farther into the room, stopping where the drawn-back curtain separated Tomoyo and her bedroom from him and her sitting room. "After I kissed you." He corrected, hushed.
"Yes," she agreed, "after we kissed." He didn't move, his body was as still as stone, but something inside him seemed to shift in agitation. He was, Tomoyo realized, rather like something wild, let out to roam and she wondered if what she was about to do was wise. Or rather, if what she was about to do was more dangerously reckless than she'd already thought.
"Will you sit with me?" She asked softly. He made a sound in his throat that she couldn't interpret. "Or have we…has what's between us been too damaged for that?" She had a second to wonder if he could hear her desolation at that thought before he crossed into her room, sinking gracefully on to the other end of her sofa. He looked down at his clasped hands and then over at Tomoyo. She studied him closely, watching the stillness and control and the edginess held at bay. He spoke first.
"Tomoyo-san," He whispered. "Tomoyo-san, don't say that we're not friends. I'm…"
"You called me 'Tomoyo' at the park." She interrupted. His eyes closed briefly and she watched as his fingers flexed faintly.
"I did." He agreed. "I had…had no right to do that. Or to do the other thing I did. I didn't think about it. I don't think I've ever thought about doing what I did last night. I had no right to..." He trailed off with a sigh.
"Kiss me?" Tomoyo asked and she wasn't sure if she was giving him words or placing a request. It must have sounded like a request to him.
"Tomoyo-san, why? Why are you doing this?" His voice, to the trained ear, sounded strained.
"I haven't done anything." She reminded him.
He laughed, short, hard and mirthless. "I know. I know. I have and that's why I'm trying to apologize. I have no right to say that you…"
Tomoyo took the expedient route of silencing him by rising to her knees and placing one hand on his shoulder. He stopped talking. His eyes locked on hers, every muscle taut. She leaned forward and placed her lips, very gently, over his.
He exploded into utter stillness as her lips played over his, taking advantage of the fact that he'd stopped in mid-word to steal a taste of his mouth. He lost his stillness to a wracking shudder, closing his eyes as she drew back from him.
"You taste like coffee, Eriol-san." She smiled.
His eyes fluttered open to half-mast and he regarded her seriously. His tongue flicked out to wet his lips and he was not the only one to shiver as he did so. "Why?" He managed his voice quiet. "Tomoyo-san, why did you do that?"
She told him the truth as simply as she could. "Because I love you."
His eyes closed as if in pain. "Sakura-san." He said flatly. She smiled and waited for him to look at her.
"I didn't know then, that I loved you," She said softly, "But the day that Yamazaki-san and Chiharu-san announced their engagement I told Sakura-chan that I didn't love her in that way anymore."
"No." He said. She waited. "You…you did? You told her that?"
"Yes. As we walked home that day I told her about your phone call and Sakura-chan told me that she was happy that I'd finally found somebody to love, a somebody who loved me back…"
"She said that? Sakura-san?" His voice had risen with disbelief. "She said that you and I…" He trailed off with a gesture of his hands.
Tomoyo giggled and touched her fingers lightly to his fiercely blushing face. "She did. I reacted much worse than you did." She stroked and hummed softly in her throat, as he moved into the subtle caress. "I told her, of course, that you'd only called as a friend. That you wanted to see the moment that they told everybody else, so that you could be a part of it." She smiled. "And I asked Sakura-chan how long she'd known what it was that I felt for her."
Eriol watched her. "And?" He asked.
"Since the Final Judgement." Tomoyo replied. "She was shown a world without love; she saw how I was changed toward her. She never said anything, until that day, because she didn't want to hurt my feelings."
"Did she?" It was the concern of a friend in his face and in his voice and Tomoyo hugged it to her.
"No. She apologized furiously, of course and I just blurted out that I was okay, she hadn't hurt my feelings because I didn't love her like that anymore." Tomoyo's smile widened. "I didn't even know that myself, until I said it. But once I did say it I could feel how my love for Sakura-chan was different from what it had been before."
"You didn't say anything to me." He murmured.
"I didn't know it was you, then. I knew by Valentines Day." She said, simply.
"Valentines Day? So this year…. And last?" He asked. She watched as another incongruous blush lit his cheeks. Valentines Day chocolates embarrassed him?
"Yes." She smiled at him again, unable not to when thinking of her revelation. "Last year I realized that I knew all the names of your publishers and your work and class schedule and what you like best for tea. I cut your chocolates into the flowers from your garden."
His smile was faint and trembling. "You've never seen my gardens."
"But I have." She whispered, feeling something momentous in the air. "You've sent me flowers from it and I was there, in your letters, when you planted it. You've sketched it in the margins of our songs." She reached to touch him again, dropping her hand before she did so. "And I knew that I loved you; to have and cherish all those tiny things, those little moments in your day. I knew that I loved you. I didn't dare tell you. We had more than an ocean between us."
"An ocean and the entire Eurasian continent." He smiled. She watched his smile fade slowly. "Why tell me this now, Tomoyo-san? Why tell me, tonight, that you love me when I have to leave in the morning?" She looked down at her clasped hands miserably. "You weren't going to, were you?"
"No. I wasn't ever going to tell you. Not unless you asked me about it directly." She wrung her hands. "I was happy to just be your friend. To be able to share your life the way that I did was enough. I didn't want to confuse you or make you feel obligated or strange. I didn't want to make you stop writing to me, to stop being my friend."
"Tomoyo-san, I'd never…"
"And now, now it's too late." She interrupted, bitterness creeping into her tone. "Mizuki-sensei knows, for certain, how I feel."
"Kaho…knows?" Tomoyo stood, unable to watch as the understanding flooded through him at the mention of his lover.
"She knew, I think, before I did." She admitted. "I've been sending you my heart, letter by letter, for four years. But I only realized it this past year and by then it was too late to hide what I felt and trying to hide it would be the same as telling Mizuki-sensei that I knew that what I felt for you was more than friendship." She stopped and tilted her head back to stare unseeingly out her skylight. It was a clear night, she noted idly.
"That's what you meant, when you said that the something that was bothering Kaho wasn't me or anything that I'd done. More than an ocean between us." Her fingers tightened on the bedpost and she most studiously didn't look at Eriol.
"Yes." She heard herself confess. "It was selfish of me, you were so confused, but if you'd known that the problem was me…" She trailed off with a sigh.
"And if I'd asked you about it, directly, what would you have told me?" His voice, she noted, was not angry, as she'd expected. It was curious more than anything else.
"What I just told you, I expect." She answered, turning to face him.
"And you thought that I'd stop writing? That I will stop?" He asked his voice laced with incredulity. "Tomoyo-san, you're my best friend."
"I think," She corrected him, "That Mizuki-sensei will not let us continue as we have been, knowing what she does now." Tomoyo sank back onto the sofa. "She doesn't want you to know, I think, and so she hasn't really tried to take your attention from my letters, nor has she tried to stop them and I…Eriol-san?" He'd quite suddenly buried his face in his hands.
"I think that she has tried, Tomoyo-san. She's…there have been times when…" He sighed and scrubbed his hands over his eyes. "I thought sometimes that there was something going on, something I just couldn't quite see." He finished.
Tomoyo flinched. He hadn't known where to look. "I'm sorry." She said, sincerely. "That's part of why I told you about this now. Tomorrow you'll leave and when you get back to England Mizuki-sensei will tell you how I feel."
"She won't. She wouldn't. Not if she doesn't want me to know." Eriol stated firmly. Tomoyo shook her head.
"She would. She will. And she'll tell you how it's only giving me false hope to write so often. That it's better to stop now and hurt me quickly instead of drawing it out."
"Tomoyo-san…"
"And you wouldn't want to hurt me or her…"
"Tomoyo-san!" He cut across her words roughly. "I wouldn't have stopped writing. I won't stop. This…this is between us…and Kaho has no place in it."
Tomoyo stared at her hands; not daring to look at the earnest expression she knew was in his eyes. "Kaho," she said, very deliberately, "Has been for over four years what I find myself wanting to be." She shot one quick glance at him. "If she wants to stop this, and she does, she has a way." Tomoyo watched as Eriol began to pace the room, throwing out, from time to time, words to the effect that she, Tomoyo, was too important for Kaho to talk him out of being friends with-- no matter which way she might choose to go about it. Those words gave her hope and, more importantly, courage.
"Eriol-san? There is something else…something I didn't know I was going to ask you until yesterday." She ventured.
He stopped in front of her and knelt quickly. "Anything. You want to visit Reed Manor? For me to visit more often? Phone calls?" He clasped her hands between his. "I don't want to lose you; Tomoyo-san, you're my best friend."
She swallowed hard. "I would…I would be more than that. For tonight." She could barely hear herself; it was a wonder he could hear her at all. But he did. She saw every word hit him.
"You…you want…. You…" He stammered, his body going unnaturally still again, his hands utterly motionless. It must be, she thought vaguely, some kind of reflexive reaction to stress or shock. Or both.
She wet her lips. "In the park, when you…when you put your hands…" She swallowed again, lifting one hand to touch her chest. "And you, the ties…you wanted…" She watched his eyes go dark.
"More." He breathed; eyes fixed on her hand.
"And I," She wet her lips again…they were so dry. "I was going to let you…"
"Take?" He murmured, his eyes drifting up from her hand to her face.
"Have." She corrected. "Let us both…have…more." She felt herself leaning forward slowly, drawn to him. "And I want…tonight." She sighed softly. "I know that you…you have Mizuki-sensei, how you feel for her, but in the park, for a time I thought…" she drew a deep breath. "You're my friend. You care about me and I want…I want to have…you." She whispered the last, looking him directly in the eye.
"You want…" he sucked in a breath. "An hour, Tomoyo? Two? You deserve more than that." He told her, one hand leaving hers and cupping her cheek, his thumb stroking over her skin. "You deserve so much better than that, Tomoyo."
How, she wondered dimly, did she tell him that the pain of missing and remembering had to be better than that of wanting and never knowing? That it must be better to love and lose than to love and never, ever have. "I want a memory, not just an imagining." She heard herself say. "To have somebody I love completely, somebody who loves me just as deeply, even if it's just as friends, that…I want that." She continued. "I know it's not fair to ask you. I know, but I'll miss you so much and I want…I just…want. And I love you, Eriol."
I can feel it burning,
up inside my head
Where I lose in wanting everything I said.
Who will there be waiting…
~~Lose in Wanting; Iris, Disconnect
* * *
Well! Part Four will be up as soon as possible. ^.^ As before, it's edits, proofs and tweaking.
