The Price We Pay - Chapter 1 Title: The Price We Pay

Disclosure: Warner Brothers Television Distribution and Shoot The Moon Productions owns these characters, as well as to the writers, and actors who created and portrayed them. Generous references to the past and the events of the 4th season… I don't make any money off of this – my only reward is my personal satisfaction at having written a decent story (and the story is all mine). Oh, and any new characters that you meet along the way - those are creations from my own twisted imagination, so hands off, unless you ask for permission to play with them.

Timing and assumptions: June-August 1987 - just after 'Consequences of Our Actions' ended. Recap: Amanda used deadly force for the first time, the marriage was revealed, and our heroes are on their way to losing their jobs.

Author: WhizGidget
Written: February 2001- still in progress, but I hope to finish sometime in July.
Rating: PG-ish… probably more accurate as a G, but this allows for one's mind to wander…
Archive: at fanfiction.net, and on the smkfanfic list. I'd be honored to be elsewhere, just email me and let me know where (astolzman@yahoo.com)

Comments/praise? Any comments (bad or good) are accepted – after all, how else do I become a better writer? And to find new direction from your comments. Encouragement to continue? Absolutely. I'd love that too. Flames? Sure, I'd love to build a fire-pit in my backyard, and flames would be useful in the pit…

Thanks to everyone who supported, enjoyed and commented on "Consequences of Our Actions". I really appreciated it. And some of those comments inspired bits and pieces of this story. For that, I thank you, and I hope you enjoy it.

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'Where is he? …I hate carrying a gun…I can hear voices…'

As she moved, she thought her clothes rustled as loudly as if she were stepping on broken glass.

'I know he's in trouble…I can hear him, he sounds so angry…'

She could swear that anyone could hear the sound of her breathing a mile away.

'No, that's not Lee…There he is… Oh my gosh! He's got a gun to his head. He's been hurt. What do I do?'

Her heart was pounding in her head, making it hard to think.

'Car.' It was outside, parked a ways away.

'Phone.' Also outside, locked in the car.

'Billy.' She turned, hoping that her footsteps weren't as loud as she thought they were.

'Get backup.' Would there be enough time? She had a weapon, but hated using it.

The fragmented thoughts raced through her head, but as she turned, she brushed against a pile of boxes, and then everything seemed to happen all at once, and instinct took over.

She registered that there was a struggle.

A gunshot, then another.

There was a man dead before her.

Everything went black.

And then there was an incredibly dazzling, bright light. And she immediately sat up.

And thus, the neighbor's badly aimed outdoor motion detector light shone into Amanda's bedroom and woke her up from her nightmare. She drew her knees up, wrapping her arms around them. She placed her head down on her knees and lightly shook her head as if to physically rid her mind of the images that were there just a minute or two ago.

The rational intelligence agent, Amanda King, knew that this wasn't a nightmare. Her mind was just reliving what had happened just a couple of days earlier. Dr. Pfaff had cautioned that this would be normal for any agent who had used deadly force for the first time.

The emotional human, Amanda Stetson, however, wished fervently that this whole experience really were a nightmare, because she never wanted to experience anything like it ever again. Never hold a gun again. Never have to deal with powder residue. Never see someone dead from her actions. And it was a likely possibility that she never would have to, thanks to Dr. Smyth. She wasn't sure if she was disappointed or relieved.

Amanda took a deep breath, shook her head softly just one more time and as the neighbor's light went off, she realized that she was alone in the room. The room was also now perfectly dark. Lee still had a habit of leaving the bathroom light on with the door open just a crack, even in the familiar territory of their bedroom. He had snuck into the bedroom multiple times – enough to be familiar with it – but in times like this, she almost welcomed the light, and was surprised to see it off. Amanda switched on the light next to the bed, and grabbed her robe.

She made her way downstairs, barefoot, looking for signs of life. She found Lee in the family room, in the dark, staring out the French doors towards the gazebo. He spoke softly without turning around. "It's always looked so pretty in the moonlight. Too bad the only light we got tonight was that damn motion detector."

"Did it wake you, too? I must not have noticed the first time."

"No, Amanda, it didn't go off at all. I just couldn't sleep and came down here. I didn't want to wake anyone else up, so I sat down here for a while hoping I'd get tired and fall asleep. I was going to sit out in the gazebo for a few minutes, but that light went on, and that was the end of that idea." Lee finally turned around and noticed the look on his wife's face – even in the darkness he could tell that she looked like a deer trapped in headlights. "Amanda, are you ok?"

Amanda nodded weakly. "I'm tired, and I just had a nightmare, and I didn't have anyone to talk to, you weren't there, and I didn't know where you were for a minute, and…" her voice drifted off and she sighed.

Lee watched as the weight of the world stayed on his wife's shoulders with that sigh. "I'm right here, Amanda. Was it… the other night?"

She nodded. "Lee, it was like I was there, all over again. Dr. Pfaff said that this would happen, but I wasn't prepared for it to be as focused as it was. Every detail was magnified in a different way. Some details were fuzzy in the corners of my mind, and others were completely clear – as if I was right there again. I can still see that man with his white shirt – " She let that sentence trail off. "Lee? Does it ever get any easier?"

"I don't know what to tell you Amanda. Sometimes it does, but I think it depends on the agent. For me, after Oz, I stopped caring about who was killed as a result of my firing a weapon. I didn't let it bother me. I couldn't let it bother me. I was taken off the duty roster for 6 weeks after Dor – well, after the first two weeks, I still wasn't ready to come back. After 4, I just wanted revenge. At 6, I had become detached to the situation without really working it out the right way." He had walked over to where Amanda was standing and was holding her hands in his. "It's different for everyone, Amanda. I've worked with guys in the field who could shoot someone for the first time, and just keep going. They sail through the debriefing and follow-up sessions with Pfaff, and just keep going. I think I used to know how they could keep going like that, but the more I look back on my excuses, the more I realize that they were thinly veiled lies to myself and Pfaff, to stay on the job. I don't understand how they can keep going. It's inhuman."

Lee dropped his wife's hands, and pulled her into a hug. "Amanda, it's going to be fine. If you were able to forget it within a couple of days, like some of those other guys, I would really worry about you. Come on, let's go back upstairs, and get some sleep. If we keep this up, we'll wake everybody up, and the boys only got back this morning. Besides, you always say that things are always better in the morning." He smiled at her nodding head, took her hand, and led her up the stairs.

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Despite having slept in the white house on Maplewood for the last few nights, Lee still hadn't moved all of his boxed belongings from his Georgetown apartment. Amanda kept insisting that he move more of his personal items in, but Lee was resistant to moving in all at once. It wasn't that he didn't want to move in; he wanted to be sure that the boys were ok with everything that was going on. Today was the day, Amanda was sure; she would win the debate, despite her husband's stubborn conviction that he shouldn't overwhelm the kids. After all, his presence was around the house all day, anyway – he slept there every night, and woke up there every morning.

"Lee?"

"Hmmm?" He looked up from his coffee and the toast that Amanda had insisted he eat for breakfast. He turned the toast over once, checking it out before taking a bite. 'What I wouldn't give for a doughnut…'

"Did you have any plans for today?"

"No," Lee replied absently, looking back at the sports page. The coffee didn't fire up his synapses quickly enough.

"Good. We can go pick up more of your things from the apartment." Amanda got up and walked back into the kitchen, not noticing her husband's head dropping down as he realized the trap he'd walked into.

"Amanda… shouldn't we wait a little while longer? We've covered this over and over again – it's going to be a shock to the boys. After all, its not every day that you find out your mom handles government secrets, and her boyfriend-"

"-And her boyfriend is really her partner, and that the man they look at as a good friend is their step-father… Lee, I know you covered the thought of losing all of us with Sarah. Did you bother to cover your fear of being part of a family?" Amanda picked up Lee's sentence right along with him, and turned it into a point in her favor. "Lee, the boys are fine. They've been under the same roof with you for the last week. Granted, there have been a few uncomfortable moments, but it hasn't been anything we can't get past."

Lee smiled. Yes, there had been that one incident where Philip had wanted to 'die of embarrassment' from walking in with some friends and seeing Amanda and Lee cuddled up and kissing on the couch. There were adjustments going to have to be made on all sides. He had to admit that Amanda had a point – he could only put off the inevitable for so long. 'Time to give in, Stetson, your wife's right.' He smiled at the words in his head and gave them his voice.

"You're right Amanda."

"I know I'm ri- what did you say?" Amanda turned around and was looking at her husband as if he'd just materialized right in front of her, out of nowhere with roses and a tuxedo.

"You're right. Completely and absolutely. It's time to give up the apartment, move in here, and stop avoiding the inevitable." Lee smiled as he watched Amanda's reaction turn from one of amazement to sheer delight.

The phone rang, and her smile faded. "Don't answer that, Stetson." Her tone meant business.

"What if it's Billy with news about our jobs?" The phone sounded out a second ring.

"What if it's Billy with a reinstatement and something to take you out of the country for a few weeks?" The phone rang for a third time.

"Well, we can-" Lee was interrupted by the sound of his oldest son's feet on the stairs.

"Isn't anyone going to answer the phone around here?" Philip moved between the two adults and answered the phone. "Hello? Oh, hi…" Philip's voice faded out of range as he picked up the phone and walked around the corner so as not to be overheard.

Amanda looked over at her oldest son, his presence apparent only by the phone cord stretched around the corner and laughed.

"What's so funny?"

"Oh, now I know what it looked like all those times you called and I had to move around the corner so no one heard what we were talking about."

"Gonna miss that now that I'm here?" Lee got up and moved to wrap his arms around his wife's waist and pull her into a hug.

"Not for a second." She smiled as he leaned down to kiss her.