Part 15 Losing It
Buffy had showered and pulled on her pajamas, a matching bugs bunny t-
shirt and boxer shorts combination that her step-mom had bought for
her last birthday. She was sitting in front of her dresser mirror,
when she heard something behind her, near her open window. She moved
her hand slowly to a drawer where she kept a spare stake.
"It's just me."
"You of all people know not to sneak up behind me," Buffy said,
turning to face Angel.
"Can I?"
She nodded, "Come in."
Angel climbed in the window, and stood just inside.
"You're thin," Buffy noted. "Are you having any trouble
finding...food?" She was fighting the urge to run into his arms
again. She had betrayed Xander once already, and she didn't intend to
repeat the favor. No matter how torn she was.
"No, there's a butcher in town who owes me. I saved him and his
family from a group of vampires last year. I haven't been very
hungry, though. Hell kind of makes a guy lose his appetite."
//Close your eyes.
Buffy winced. "I guess it would."
"I don't blame you," Angel said. "You had to do it."
"Easier said than believed," Buffy shrugged. "Angel, I don't
understand how you came back."
"I don't know," Angel replied. "But when I came to, this was lying on
the floor next to me." He pulled his right hand out of the pocket of
his duster, and in the closed fist was the ring he had given Buffy so
long ago.
Buffy looked at it, and realized how it must have felt when he found
the ring. The symbol of their love, the symbol of what they were to
each other, the symbol of forever. And she'd discarded it, or at
least that's how it probably looked to him. How much more pain would
they cause each other before it finally became too much for one or
both to bear anymore?
"When I was well enough to walk around, I went to your house, and I
saw you with Xander," Angel continued.
Buffy saw the pain in his eyes, and looked away. Stab in the heart
number two. "Angel, I--"
"Don't apologize," he said gently. "I've been gone a long time, you
had every right to move on with your life. I've always known he loves
you, you deserve that."
She looked back at him quickly, and saw that it was hurting him to
say that.
"But I couldn't tell you I was back," he added. "Not after I saw you
two, and how happy you were, Buffy."
"Happy?" she looked at him quizzically. "Okay, so I guess I was," she
shrugged, and looked away again. "But that does not give you a valid
excuse for treating us like we never mattered."
"You're so wrong," Angel protested. "You are the only thing that
mattered to me for so many years. How do you think I stayed sane in
Hell? It was you, Buffy, only you. I wasn't trying to treat us like
we never mattered. I was trying to let you have a good life with
someone who loves you, and who you love too."
She sighed, "I do love him," she admitted. "But I can't deny that I
still love you too. I never stopped." She looked up at him. "So this
is where we figure out where we go from here. I don't understand how,
but that ring must have brought you back. I've got Giles looking into
the likelihood of demons escaping from Hell though, just in case it
means something."
"Giles," Angel sighed, "Is he....I remember what I did."
Buffy looked up at his face then, and could see the pain in his
eyes. "Not you," she insisted. "Angelus. Giles is okay. I don't think
he wants to see you anytime soon, but he's not going to lose it or
anything."
"What about you?" Angel asked.
Buffy laughed, and she put her hand over her mouth, fighting the
hysterics which were threatening just below the surface. When she'd
calmed slightly, she replied, "Me? Am I losing it? Too late, already
happened."
She looked into his eyes, and they shared a look. A look that spoke
so much more than any words they could manage. The look spoke
of 'could have been's', 'should have been's', and 'could never be's'.
Angel stepped toward her and broke the silence, "Buffy-"
She held out her hand in a gesture to stop him. "Don't. This is hard
enough as it is. I'm barely hanging on to what little bit of sanity I
have left, and if you touched me again, it would be gone."
"I'm sorry," Angel said, looking at her helplessly.
"Sorry?" Buffy questioned, tearfully. "Don't you dare tell me you're
sorry I found out. I'm not sorry I found out."
They stared at each other, for neither knew how long. Obviously both
were at a loss for what to say next. They both jumped at the knock on
her door. "Buffy, phone," her mother
said through the door.
Buffy pulled herself together, and called, "Thanks, Mom."
"Are you--"
"I'm fine, Mom," she answered, waiting for the footsteps away from
her door. She turned to answer the phone. "Hello?"
"Buffy...it's me," Xander said.
"Xander," she replied, feeling a wave of relief wash over her. "Thank
God, I thought you'd never let me explain. I'm coming over."
Silence on the other end.
Buffy said, "Xander, I'm not asking, this is too important. I'm
coming over, and we're going to talk."
She hung up the phone, and realized she'd forgotten all about Angel.
She looked over to where he'd been standing, and he was gone.
Buffy had showered and pulled on her pajamas, a matching bugs bunny t-
shirt and boxer shorts combination that her step-mom had bought for
her last birthday. She was sitting in front of her dresser mirror,
when she heard something behind her, near her open window. She moved
her hand slowly to a drawer where she kept a spare stake.
"It's just me."
"You of all people know not to sneak up behind me," Buffy said,
turning to face Angel.
"Can I?"
She nodded, "Come in."
Angel climbed in the window, and stood just inside.
"You're thin," Buffy noted. "Are you having any trouble
finding...food?" She was fighting the urge to run into his arms
again. She had betrayed Xander once already, and she didn't intend to
repeat the favor. No matter how torn she was.
"No, there's a butcher in town who owes me. I saved him and his
family from a group of vampires last year. I haven't been very
hungry, though. Hell kind of makes a guy lose his appetite."
//Close your eyes.
Buffy winced. "I guess it would."
"I don't blame you," Angel said. "You had to do it."
"Easier said than believed," Buffy shrugged. "Angel, I don't
understand how you came back."
"I don't know," Angel replied. "But when I came to, this was lying on
the floor next to me." He pulled his right hand out of the pocket of
his duster, and in the closed fist was the ring he had given Buffy so
long ago.
Buffy looked at it, and realized how it must have felt when he found
the ring. The symbol of their love, the symbol of what they were to
each other, the symbol of forever. And she'd discarded it, or at
least that's how it probably looked to him. How much more pain would
they cause each other before it finally became too much for one or
both to bear anymore?
"When I was well enough to walk around, I went to your house, and I
saw you with Xander," Angel continued.
Buffy saw the pain in his eyes, and looked away. Stab in the heart
number two. "Angel, I--"
"Don't apologize," he said gently. "I've been gone a long time, you
had every right to move on with your life. I've always known he loves
you, you deserve that."
She looked back at him quickly, and saw that it was hurting him to
say that.
"But I couldn't tell you I was back," he added. "Not after I saw you
two, and how happy you were, Buffy."
"Happy?" she looked at him quizzically. "Okay, so I guess I was," she
shrugged, and looked away again. "But that does not give you a valid
excuse for treating us like we never mattered."
"You're so wrong," Angel protested. "You are the only thing that
mattered to me for so many years. How do you think I stayed sane in
Hell? It was you, Buffy, only you. I wasn't trying to treat us like
we never mattered. I was trying to let you have a good life with
someone who loves you, and who you love too."
She sighed, "I do love him," she admitted. "But I can't deny that I
still love you too. I never stopped." She looked up at him. "So this
is where we figure out where we go from here. I don't understand how,
but that ring must have brought you back. I've got Giles looking into
the likelihood of demons escaping from Hell though, just in case it
means something."
"Giles," Angel sighed, "Is he....I remember what I did."
Buffy looked up at his face then, and could see the pain in his
eyes. "Not you," she insisted. "Angelus. Giles is okay. I don't think
he wants to see you anytime soon, but he's not going to lose it or
anything."
"What about you?" Angel asked.
Buffy laughed, and she put her hand over her mouth, fighting the
hysterics which were threatening just below the surface. When she'd
calmed slightly, she replied, "Me? Am I losing it? Too late, already
happened."
She looked into his eyes, and they shared a look. A look that spoke
so much more than any words they could manage. The look spoke
of 'could have been's', 'should have been's', and 'could never be's'.
Angel stepped toward her and broke the silence, "Buffy-"
She held out her hand in a gesture to stop him. "Don't. This is hard
enough as it is. I'm barely hanging on to what little bit of sanity I
have left, and if you touched me again, it would be gone."
"I'm sorry," Angel said, looking at her helplessly.
"Sorry?" Buffy questioned, tearfully. "Don't you dare tell me you're
sorry I found out. I'm not sorry I found out."
They stared at each other, for neither knew how long. Obviously both
were at a loss for what to say next. They both jumped at the knock on
her door. "Buffy, phone," her mother
said through the door.
Buffy pulled herself together, and called, "Thanks, Mom."
"Are you--"
"I'm fine, Mom," she answered, waiting for the footsteps away from
her door. She turned to answer the phone. "Hello?"
"Buffy...it's me," Xander said.
"Xander," she replied, feeling a wave of relief wash over her. "Thank
God, I thought you'd never let me explain. I'm coming over."
Silence on the other end.
Buffy said, "Xander, I'm not asking, this is too important. I'm
coming over, and we're going to talk."
She hung up the phone, and realized she'd forgotten all about Angel.
She looked over to where he'd been standing, and he was gone.
