Part Sixteen - Hold On
Note: // // = Lyrics to "Hold On" by Sarah McLachlan


*********
//Hold on to yourself
For this is gonna hurt like hell //

"Well this should be fun," Xander said as he hung up his
phone. "She's coming over, probably to break up with me."

Willow and Oz were sitting in chairs nearby, and she said, "You don't
know that, Xander," Willow said gently. "Just talk to her, you need
to sort things out."

Xander looked at his watch, "At one-thirty in the morning?"

"You trying to tell me you could sleep right now anyway?" Willow
countered.

"Good point," Xander nodded. "You guys go ahead. I'll be fine."

"Are you sure?" Willow asked, obviously worried.

"Positive," Xander replied. "Go on. I appreciate the moral support,
but this is definitely something Buffy and I need to deal with on our
own. The only other person involved in this is Angel."

"Okay, well, you know how to reach me if you need me," Willow said,
standing. They started up the stairs, and she turned back, "Xan, I
mean it. If you need me, just call."

"Thanks, Wills," Xander nodded without looking up at her. He heard
them go up the stairs, and then he heard Willow's voice at the front
door, "Hi, Buffy. Xander's downstairs."

//Hold on
Hold on to yourself
I know that only time will tell //

"Thanks Will," Buffy walked down the stairs, and saw Xander sitting
on his bed. He was leaning his arms on his knees, staring at the
floor. "Xander?" She walked over to stand in front of him, and still
he didn't look up. "Xan, please look at me," she begged.


He complied, but his expression was blank, which told Buffy more than
if he'd been openly angry or sad. This was the expression he used
when Snyder laid into him, or after he'd been told by Willow that his
mom had not stayed in the hospital to see if he'd live, or after his
dad had hit him. He was hurting with an intensity that she rarely
saw, and Buffy hated that she'd been the cause of it this time.



*I never wanted to do this to you. You've been so much more than I
deserved, and I repaid you with the worst possible pain
imaginable.* "Don't give up on us," she begged softly, placing her
hand on his cheek.


Xander had to keep himself from grabbing her and pulling her into his
arms. He wanted nothing more than to forget that the last hour hadn't
just happened. He wanted everything to be simple again. Like it was
just him and Buffy, and nothing else could get in the way. But he
couldn't change things. This was the hand they'd been dealt. And like
it or not, he had to play this out to the end, whatever that might be.

//What is it in me that refuses to believe
This isn't easier than the real thing //


He took Buffy's hand in his, and kissed the palm gently. He looked up
into her eyes again, "I love you so much, Buffy, I just want you to
be happy," he said, his voice raw with the emotion of unshed tears.


"You make me happy," Buffy said, fighting back her own tears. She
fell to her knees in front of him, and continued, "Don't you know
that? I know you were hurt tonight, Xan, I can't imagine the pain you
felt seeing that. And I will spend the rest of my life trying to make
it up to you. I need you to know I didn't know he was back. I haven't
been cheating on you. I wouldn't, not after everything you mean to
me."

"I know," Xander replied gently, stroking her hair. "I know you,
Buff, you're not like that. You just found out." *Yes, but if you
hadn't seen it, would she have told you? Yes. How do you know? I just
do. I love her, and she loves me. Is it enough though??*

//My Love
You know that you're my best friend
You know that I'd do anything for you//


"I'm so glad you understand," Buffy said, as the tears of relief fell
from her eyes. *He doesn't hate me. That means there's still hope.*
She laid her head on his knee. "I thought I'd lost you forever," she
whispered.

"Buffy, this isn't over," Xander said. He pulled her chin up to meet
her eyes. "You need to make a decision about what happens next."

Buffy saw from the expression on his face that he'd already prepared
himself for her leaving. "I love you," she insisted. *How can he not
believe in us?*

//My love
Let nothing stand between us
My love for you is strong and true //

"That used to be the answer," Xander replied sadly. "But it isn't.
Not anymore." He looked away, but she saw the single tear roll down
his face.

"What do you mean?" she asked, fighting back her own tears. "It has
to be. What else is there?"

"There's reality," Xander answered, looking back at her. His face was
calm and controlled again, but his heart was breaking into little
pieces, slowly and painfully, with each word he spoke. "Angel's here,
and Angel's something that has to be dealt with. You have to decide
who you want to be with, Buffy."

"I want--"

"No!" Xander interrupted her. "Don't say what you think I want to
hear," he said. "I don't want you to make a quick decision and then
regret it for the rest of your life. As much as I love you, I
couldn't deal with it if you chose me and then ended up hating your
choice someday."

"I want you to be honest with me and with yourself," he continued,
fighting the urge to scream 'Stay with me! I can't live this life
alone! If you leave me, I'll die!' He took a deep breath, and
added, "Whatever you decide, Buffy, it's okay. I'm your friend, and I
love you. Nothing will change that. I'll still be here when you make
up your mind."

"Xander, the choice is made already. Angel and I can't make it work,"
Buffy said, shaking her head.

"I don't want to be _second_ choice," Xander replied, almost-yelled.
Buffy looked as if she'd been slapped in the face and he immediately
regretted the harshness of his response. "Buff, I'm--"

"It's okay," Buffy sighed in resignation. "I guess this was a
mistake. Everything's too intense right now, and we're both going to
end up saying things we don't mean. We'll talk about this later,
after we've had time to settle down." She turned to go, but half-way
up the stairs, stopped and looked back into his tormented face. "I'm
not mad" she assured him. "I love you."

"I love you too," Xander whispered.

Buffy nodded and walked back upstairs.

// I in heaven here or am i in hell
At the crossroads I am standing//