Part 20 - A Dilemma
Sunday evening
10 pm

Buffy finished patrolling, and checked in with Giles.

"Hey, Giles. So did you find anything out?" she asked, walking
inside.

"About Angel? Apparently there are some rare cases of demons escaping
from Hell," Giles replied. "I no longer think it's likely to be a
sign of the Apocalypse, although it probably does not make your life
any easier."

"Good guess," Buffy said. "Well, I'm tired, no major demon
activity tonight except the occasional vamp. I'll see you tomorrow at
school."


She started on her way home, but halfway there she made a detour.
She'd stopped at a payphone earlier, so as not to make a fool of
herself by showing up and getting turned away.

Can I come over?
Sure, I'll tell mom to let you in.

It wasn't much, but it was something, hope. A hope that he hadn't
given up on them, that maybe he was willing to fight for them.

She arrived at the house, and Mary gave her a look but walked away
from the door letting her in. Buffy locked it behind her, and went
downstairs. She found Xander sitting on his bed, reading a book, and
she smiled. "Interrupting something?"

"Nothing I don't mind you interrupting," he replied with a small
smile of his own. She sat next to him and hesitantly reached her hand
across the bed, and Xander took it in his. That one gesture moved her
to the point that she couldn't speak for fear of breaking down
completely.

Instead, she just closed her eyes and sat there, letting herself
pretend for the moment that things were okay between them.

When she finally trusted herself not to cry, she opened her eyes, and
looked over at Xander.


Xander had taken the hand she offered, feeling like he was drowning
and she could hold him up. He couldn't do it, he couldn't say good-
bye to this girl that had become his whole life. He needed her, and
he knew with all certainty that losing her would kill him.

He took advantage of the silence to just gaze at her. She was wearing
a dark blue tank top and her black leather pants, obviously she'd
been Slaying. Her hair was slightly messed up, but she looked perfect
to him. She always did. He sighed at his own hopelessness.


Buffy looked over at him at his sigh. He was staring at her as if he
needed to study her every feature. "I've missed you," he said
finally.

"I've missed you too," Buffy replied. "How do we get through this?"
she asked.

"Good question," Xander replied. "I wish I knew the answer," he
shrugged.

"Xander, I can't lose you. I need you. I love you," Buffy said.

"You love Angel," Xander replied and looked away. He knew the lines
by now, and snorted at the realization that he...they... were
becoming a broken record. He shook his head, returning to the current
conversation. "And that's understandable, but you're refusing to face
it."

"Fine. You want me to admit that I have feelings for Angel? I do,
okay? I never, ever lied to you about that. When we first started
this relationship, I told you he would always have a place in my
heart. But that's all in the past, and there's no going back. I wish
I could make you believe that." Buffy watched him closely, wishing
she could break through the walls he'd put up between them.

"Buffy I saw you two at the Mansion yesterday," Xander said.

Buffy gasped in surprise. She wondered how much he'd heard. It
definitely hadn't been one of her strongest moments. She wondered
what he was thinking. If he was angry, he wasn't showing it. He was
acting...resigned. He'd seen just one more thing to make him think he
wasn't good enough.

Buffy sighed, shaking her head. "Why were you there?"

"I dunno," he shrugged. "I think I wanted to...I don't know. Talk to
him?" He rolled his eyes. "Doesn't seem as great an idea as it did
then. I wasn't spying, I heard you before I realized you were there
too. You were...asking him not to leave. I left, that's all I heard."

Xander looked over at her, and she could see the unshed tears in his
eyes. "I love you so much, Buffy. But I'm not interested in fighting
a battle I'm doomed to lose. We could get past this if he didn't love
you too, but he does. And you can say all you want that he's your
past, but he's still here, Buffy. If he wanted you back tomorrow, can
you honestly tell me you wouldn't go back?"

"I..." Buffy trailed off.

"Exactly," Xander replied.


"I love you, Xander," she insisted, feeling like her life depended on
him knowing that fact.

Xander softened, and pulled her into his arms, holding her tightly
and laying his chin on her head. "I know," he whispered.

Buffy lost control over her emotions then, as the tears began to
fall, sobbing silently.

"Don't," Xander pleaded, cradling her face in his hands, and gazing
into her eyes. "Don't you know you kill me when you cry?" He brushed
the tears from her eyes.

"I can't help it," she said. She stroked his cheek gently, and
added, "For two weeks, I've been wanting, _needing_, just to feel
your arms around me, Xan. And it feels
so wonderful, but it isn't going to last--"

He silenced her with a kiss, and Buffy was glad she was sitting
because if she'd been standing she would have felt weak in the knees.
Unlike their previous kisses, there was nothing gentle or soft in
this kiss. This kiss was driven by passion, desire, and need, and
Buffy had never felt anything so perfect in her life. She met its
intensity, and wrapped her arms around his neck, wishing she could
will him to stay with her.

He finally ended the kiss, and when Buffy looked into his eyes there
were tears in them as well. He leaned down to whisper in her ear, "I
love you, Buffy Summers. No matter what happens, never doubt that."

He took Buffy into his arms again, and held her. Neither said a word
for a full ten minutes, just enjoying holding each other. Xander
moved first, letting go, and Buffy moved away reluctantly. "I guess I
should go?" she asked, wanting him to tell her otherwise.

He nodded, and looked away.

"I know you are worried about what's going to happen with us, but
I've never doubted one thing," Buffy said. "This is right, Xander.
It's never felt wrong." He didn't reply, and she got up and walked
back upstairs sadly.