Part 25 - Advice

2 am

Buffy returned to her house crying. She'd walked around for an hour
after she and Xander had argued. She couldn't believe that things had
deteriorated to the point where she'd assumed for even a moment the
worst possible motive of Xander in kissing Cordelia. She knew now
that Xander would always rather die than intentionally hurt her. She
knew this because she felt the same way.

She realized how she looked when her mother walked out. "Buffy! Are
you okay?" she asked, concern on her face at her daughter's
incredible sadness.


Buffy fell into her mom's arms, and the minute she did, she couldn't
stop the tears from coming. "Shh, it's okay," Joyce whispered,
stroking her hair gently.

"I'm sorry," Buffy said, pulling away and wiping the tears from her
eyes. "I've had an awful couple of weeks."

"Is this a coffee moment, or a hot cocoa moment?" Joyce asked with a
smile.

"Hot cocoa," Buffy smiled back, "extra marshmallows."

"Well, that just goes without saying," Joyce put her arm around
Buffy's shoulders and led her into the kitchen. Buffy sat at the
table and watched her mom silently. Joyce looked over at her, and
said, "I'm glad you came back in one piece, I really wish you'd call
me if you're going to be out late."

"Sorry, I lost track of time," Buffy said with a shrug.

"Buffy, you've been so quiet the last couple of weeks, and I haven't
seen Xander. Is everything okay with you two?"

Buffy felt the tears spring to her eyes, and looked away.

"That's it, isn't it?" Joyce asked. She set the cup of hot cocoa in
front of Buffy and sat across from her, sipping her own cup. "You
don't have to talk to me, but you can if you want to."

"Everything's such a mess..." Buffy whispered, shaking her
head. "Angel's back."

"Angel." Joyce replied. "I see. Well, that does explain why I haven't
seen Xander. You dumped him for Angel, didn't you?" she accused.

"That's just so like you," Buffy sighed. "You expect the worst all
the time. Why is that?"

"I just know you, Buffy," Joyce replied. "I remember how you were
when you were dating Angel. And your mood lately is beginning to make
sense, because the way you've been acting is the exact same way you
acted then. You were miserable then, and you're miserable now!"

"You don't have a CLUE what I'm going through now, Mom!" Buffy
responded angrily. "And, you don't have a clue as to what my life
with Angel was like before!"

"I don't know because you never really TALKED to me about him!" Joyce
yelled. "I'm always the last to know anything important about your
life. I didn't know he was gone until I figured it out on my own. And
after he left you like that, I can't believe you'd even CONSIDER
getting back together with him!"

"HE DIDN'T LEAVE ME, MOTHER!" Buffy replied, slamming her cup of
cocoa down on the table. She took a deep breath, trying to calm
down. "I'm going to tell you what happened between me and Angel last
summer, you're going to take a few deep breaths before you react.
Deal?"

Joyce thought for a moment, and then nodded. "Deal."

"Good. Angel is vampire mom, but he was cursed with a soul, so he
doesn't kill anymore and he hasn't for over a hundred years." Buffy'd
said all this without looking at her mother, but looked up finally.
Joyce was silent, appeared to be in shock, so Buffy took advantage of
the silence to continue. "Angel lost his soul last summer, and I had
to kill him."

"He's A VAMPIRE?!" Joyce yelled in disbelief.

"Don't even start in on that," Buffy warned. "I don't need your
accusations or judgements. Did you _hear_ what I told you? I loved
him, but I was given no choice but to kill him to keep him from
killing everyone else I love."

Joyce paused, and said, "I did hear you. And I can't imagine how
difficult that must have been for you. I guess I understand why you
felt like you had to keep all of this from me. But I am trying,
Buffy. It's just not easy to be so close to all of this stuff, let
alone know you're so much a part of it."

"I get that. But it's much harder to be what I am," Buffy said
honestly.

"I believe that," Joyce nodded. "And I'm not going to judge you,
Buffy, or yell at you. I'm sorry I did yell earlier, I reacted
without thinking. I just can't stand seeing you so sad. Especially
when up until a few weeks ago, you were so happy. I've never seen you
as happy as you were with Xander, Buffy. So I guess I'm a little
biased, but it's just because I want that for you again."

"I know you're worried about me, Mom. But I need you to understand
that I'm trying to do what's right. You think I enjoy hurting Xander?
I don't, but I can't help that I don't have any answers right now."

Joyce said. "I get it. You love them both."

Buffy nodded again, sipping her hot cocoa.

"I don't envy you your predicament," Joyce sighed.

"I don't know what to do," Buffy said.

"You really want my advice?" Joyce was surprised. "After our yelling
match?"

"It's not the first yelling match I've been part of," Buffy said. "So
yes, if you've got advice to give, I'd love to hear it."

Joyce was silent for a few moments, and said, "I am not by any means
an expert on relationships, I don't think I need to tell you that.
And you're in quite a difficult situation right now. I know Xander
loves you, but Angel does too--what?!"

Buffy was looking at her mother in shock.

"Oh, well, I _am_ capable of saying something nice about Angel..." an
even more shocked look from Buffy "...occasionally..." still a
shocked look "...fine there's a first time for everything," Joyce
smiled. "I never doubted he loved you, Buffy, I just doubted he could
give you the kind of life you deserved, even before I knew he was a
vampire. It seemed like it was really difficult for you two, and now
I know why. I don't think love should be that hard, Buffy, if it's
meant to be. But I'm not going to tell you who to choose. In the end,
only you can decide that. In my opinion, though, when you make that
decision, you should keep two things in mind: Who can you really make
a life with? And who can you live without?"

Buffy frowned at her, "It won't come to that," she protested.

"Buffy, don't be naiive," Joyce replied as gently as possible. "When
you decide who you want to be with, the other one will have to
distance himself from you. As much as you tell yourself you're
friends, it can't be the same again. Maybe someday you'll be able to
rebuild that friendship, but it won't be right away. So when you do
choose, be aware of what you'll be giving up."

Buffy stared at the cocoa for a moment, lost in thought. "You're
right," she nodded slowly. "I can't live in this fantasy world, where
we're all going to be best friends, and nothing will come between us.
Someone loses here, someone gets hurt. I just don't want to be the
one that hurts anyone."

"I know you don't," Joyce said. "But unfortunately it can't be
avoided."

"And on that note, I'm going to bed," Buffy said with a sigh of
weariness.

***********