Part 32
Too Late?

7 pm

Buffy walked around her neighborhood for an hour. She didn't
regret saying goodbye to Angel, but she needed to gather her
thoughts for what she was going to do next: talk to Xander. She
knew it wouldn't be easy to get through to him, but she had no
intention of giving up. She knew he still cared about her, he
wouldn't have almost died for her if he didn't. What she had to
convince him of was that she felt the same way.

She finally found herself at the front door of the Harris house
and knocked. Mary answered the door, and Buffy let out an
unconscious sigh of frustration. "Is Xan-"

"No."

"Mary, I need to talk to him-"

"NO!" Mary started to close the door, but Buffy blocked it with
her foot. "Don't make this more difficult than it has to be
Buffy," Mary added, still trying to move the door.

"It's fine." Buffy heard Xander say from behind his mother. Mary
looked behind her, then shrugged slightly.

"Okay, Baby," she said. She then gave Buffy a glare, before
turning and walking away.

Xander was at the door then, and Buffy fought the urge to start
crying at the sadness she saw in his eyes. She'd done that, she
knew. It seemed like she hadn't been able to do anything right
for weeks.

"Come downstairs," Xander said before turning and walking back
to his room. Buffy followed him down the stairs, silently.

He turned and faced her when they'd reached the bottom of the
stairs. "Well?" he said, and he winced internally at the anger
that came out in his voice.

Buffy heard it, and it cut her to the heart. *God I hope it's
not too late* "Xander, I need to apologize for the hospital.
Whatever your father said he saw, though, he misinterpreted it,
or you did. Yes, he saw Angel and I hugging, but that was all it
was. It didn't mean anything--"

The sound of Xander's laughter caused her to trail off
hopelessly. *How do I get through this wall he's put up between
us?* she wondered.

"I know you have no reason to believe me," she said. "I'm
surprised you held out for as long as you did before you lost
faith in me. In us. I was so unfair to you, from the moment
Angel came back. I took you for granted, and I can't apologize
enough for that. I thought things would just work themselves
out, and I wouldn't have to do anything that would make me the
bad guy. But all I did in the end was ruin your trust in me."

"I haven't been perfect, Buffy," Xander said. "But that's not
the issue. The issue always has been that there's this huge
obstacle between us, and you want to pretend he's not there. But
I can't do that, Buffy. He's there, and it's destroying us."

"But he's not," Buffy replied, shaking her head.

"Don't _do_ that!" Xander said. "I can't play this game anymore
Buffy!"

"No, Xander, you need to hear me out here. This isn't the same
old runaround, I promise you." Buffy begged, hoping he wouldn't
shut her out.

"Fine. Talk," Xander said with a resigned sigh, sitting on his
bed.

"Thank you," she said gratefully and took a deep breath, trying
to compose her emotions. "Xander, first of all I need you to
understand what happened at the hospital. Yes, Angel was trying
to comfort me, but I was upset because the doctors all told me
they didn't think you'd make it. I didn't know how to deal with
you dying on me, and I was a mess. So that's what your father
saw, was Angel trying to be a friend and comfort me. And I am so
sorry I didn't tell you he was there, but I was scared, Xander.
Like I said before, I've messed things up so badly between us, I
was afraid you would think... what you did."

She realized she was pacing, and stopped abruptly, looking over
at him. There was no sign of emotion in his face, she'd seen
that look all too often lately. She walked over to him, and
said, "I went to see Angel today. And I told him what I hope it
didn't take me too long to figure out. I told him that I will
always care about him, but I am in love with you.

She saw something in his eyes then, a flicker of hope, and it
gave her hope as well. "Someone told me once that I had to
figure out who I couldn't live without, in order to fix this
mess. Well, I figured it out, I can't live without you in my
life. I love you, Xander Harris, and I need you so much. And now
I'm just hoping I wasn't too late in figuring all this out."

She waited for his response, nervously. The silence was so heavy
she wished he'd say something. Anything.


Xander, on the other hand, was having trouble putting his
thoughts together enough to form any words at all. He couldn't
believe what he'd just heard. She'd actually chosen him over
Angel? That was something he only dreamed about. But he was
torn. Part of him wanted to jump up, pull her into his arms and
never let go. The other part, though, was afraid it wouldn't
last, that she'd change her mind eventually and walk away from
him. Then, suddenly he heard Willow's voice in his head,
*Xander, YOU DON'T KNOW THAT!* *Oh, great* he thought. *Now I'm
channeling Wills. Well, she is usually right. Maybe what I have
to gain in taking this chance is worth the risk. Hell, I'm
talking about the only girl I've ever loved, of course it's
worth the risk.*

He looked up and saw the fearful look in her eyes, and realized
he was torturing her with his silence. He decided to stop doing
that immediately. He stood up, and closed the distance between
them quickly. Without saying a word, he cupped her face in his
hands and kissed her gently. Buffy made a surprised sound, but
threw her arms around his neck, and kissed him back,
desperately. They finally broke away as the need for breathing
presented itself, and Buffy realized she was crying. Xander
brushed the tears from her cheeks tenderly, and she found her
voice to ask, "So does that mean I wasn't too late?" with a
hesitant smile.

Xander chuckled, and slipped his arms around her waist, holding
her close. "I think that's a safe assumption. I love you Buffy,
nothing could change that. I won't pretend things are wonderful
between us, I think we've both got some work to do to make this
as good as it could be. But I'm willing to do everything I can
to make it work."

"I promise you I'll do the same," Buffy said, kissing him again.
"And we will make it work, Xander, I really do believe that."
She laid her head on his chest and sighed contentedly.

"Do you have to patrol tonight?" Xander asked.

"Angel's been handling it, since I'm not quite on speaking terms
with Giles," Buffy said, looking up at him.

"Oh," Xander replied. He had almost forgotten about the birthday
disaster. "So you haven't even talked to him?"

"Have yuo?" Buffy asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Well, no, but he's _your_ Watcher," Xander said.

"I couldn't deal with him, Xan, not until I worked things out
with us first. One thing at a time for Buffy."

"And now?" Xander asked.

"Can't I ignore that part of reality until tomorrow?" Buffy
replied. "I was kinda hoping we could spend some time together
alone tonight."

"I suppose we could do that," Xander replied teasingly. He
laughed at her pout, and said, "Buffy, I think if anything
you're in danger of growing very sick of me, considering how
little I feel like letting you out of my sight from now on."

He led her over to the couch, and sat down with her. "I
seriously doubt I could get sick of you," she assured him, with
a quick kiss. "But you're very welcome to see if you can manage
it," she added with a grin as she snuggled into his arms.

****************