Part 38 - Guilt
2 am
Buffy watched Angel, wishing that someone else would show up soon. He
was begining to frighten her. He'd been delirious for the past hour,
deteriorating before her eyes. As this happened, he began ranting and
raving at her, more Angelus than Angel at times.
{Get away from me! You've destroyed me! I hate you!}
She shook her head, sadly, knowing in her head he didn't mean it.
Hoping, at least.
You can't die on me, Angel. I won't be responsible for your death,
not a second time," she said quietly.
"Don't say that," he startled her by grabbing her arm. "What would
make you say something like that?" he asked. She tried to pull her
arm away, but he wouldn't let her. "Buffy, talk to me."
He paused for a second, then she saw realization flash in his
eyes. "Tell me I dreamed those awful things I said," he begged. He
saw by her expression he hadn't dreamed them. "God Buffy, I'm so
sorry," he whispered, "It was the delirium talking, please understand
that. "I couldn't hate you if my existence depended on it."
"Maybe it does," she said softly.
"Like hell it does!" Angel retorted angrily. His face softened
though, and he added, "I can't hate you, and I shouldn't. Anymore
than I can regret anything about us, Buffy. I regret losing my soul,
but that was neither of our faults. We weren't given the whole deck
of cards to work with. We did the best we could, that's all that
matters."
She shook her head, still refusing to look at him. *If it wasn't for
me, he wouldn't be here now, he'd never have been sent to hell.*
As if reading her thoughts, he said, "Buffy, you are not responsible
for any of this, or my going to hell. Don't you get it? You're the
reason I got out of those sewers, and started helping people again.
You're why I started making my existence worth something. If not for
you, I wouldn't ever have learned to love again. You didn't destroy
me, Buffy you saved me."
"I did a bang-up job of it, didn't I?" she replied with a bitter
laugh.
"Stop it," he ordered, shaking her arm. "Whatever happens, you have
to remember. None of this is your fault. I have no regrets, Buffy. I
found people to care about, and I made a little bit of difference. I
worked to make up for the evils I did in this world, and I have to
believe that will matter in the next world."
"Stop talking like that, you'll be fine," Buffy said, wiping the
tears from her eyes.
Angel smiled at her sadly, then shut his eyes again. She let him
sleep, he needed to keep his strength.
She heard footsteps, and turned to see Giles walk in. "How is he?"
"Getting worse by the minute. He's alternating between delirious
ravings and contemplating his death," Buffy replied sadly.
"I brought some blood from the bloodbank," Giles said. "It's in the
kitchen. "I'll call the council, possibly I can get some information,
if not help."
"You really think that will do any good?" Buffy questioned.
"It can't hurt to try," Giles replied, walking out again.
Buffy returned to the kitchen to heat up some blood. "Please let him
be okay," she asked whatever Powers might be listening. She shook her
head, "What am I doing, they never listened to me in the past," she
said in disgust.
She returned to Angel's room with a mug of blood. She stepped over to
him, and moved the mug under his nose. He opened his eyes and vamped
out, and she jumped back in fear.
He looked at her apologetically, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to
frighten you. I'm still me." He hadn't been able to stop it, he was
too weak. He still had full control over the demon though, enough to
keep it from physically harming anyone, at least, if not to keep it
from verbally abusing them.
Buffy eyed him suspiciously, but then felt she could believe
him. "Instinctive reaction?" she offered.
"Yes," Angel nodded. "It's just when I'm weak."
"Okay," she said. She set the mug down and sat next to him, then
propped him up against her again. She put the cup to his
lips. "Drink."
He hesitated.
"I trust you, Angel. Just drink."
He nodded, and vamped out again, emptying the contents of the mug
quickly. Buffy was relieved when he reverted to his human face
quickly.
"Better?" she asked him.
"Much," he replied with a smile.
"Good," she said. She settled him back in bed, "Sleep now." She
smiled as he relaxed and did just that.
***************
2 am
Buffy watched Angel, wishing that someone else would show up soon. He
was begining to frighten her. He'd been delirious for the past hour,
deteriorating before her eyes. As this happened, he began ranting and
raving at her, more Angelus than Angel at times.
{Get away from me! You've destroyed me! I hate you!}
She shook her head, sadly, knowing in her head he didn't mean it.
Hoping, at least.
You can't die on me, Angel. I won't be responsible for your death,
not a second time," she said quietly.
"Don't say that," he startled her by grabbing her arm. "What would
make you say something like that?" he asked. She tried to pull her
arm away, but he wouldn't let her. "Buffy, talk to me."
He paused for a second, then she saw realization flash in his
eyes. "Tell me I dreamed those awful things I said," he begged. He
saw by her expression he hadn't dreamed them. "God Buffy, I'm so
sorry," he whispered, "It was the delirium talking, please understand
that. "I couldn't hate you if my existence depended on it."
"Maybe it does," she said softly.
"Like hell it does!" Angel retorted angrily. His face softened
though, and he added, "I can't hate you, and I shouldn't. Anymore
than I can regret anything about us, Buffy. I regret losing my soul,
but that was neither of our faults. We weren't given the whole deck
of cards to work with. We did the best we could, that's all that
matters."
She shook her head, still refusing to look at him. *If it wasn't for
me, he wouldn't be here now, he'd never have been sent to hell.*
As if reading her thoughts, he said, "Buffy, you are not responsible
for any of this, or my going to hell. Don't you get it? You're the
reason I got out of those sewers, and started helping people again.
You're why I started making my existence worth something. If not for
you, I wouldn't ever have learned to love again. You didn't destroy
me, Buffy you saved me."
"I did a bang-up job of it, didn't I?" she replied with a bitter
laugh.
"Stop it," he ordered, shaking her arm. "Whatever happens, you have
to remember. None of this is your fault. I have no regrets, Buffy. I
found people to care about, and I made a little bit of difference. I
worked to make up for the evils I did in this world, and I have to
believe that will matter in the next world."
"Stop talking like that, you'll be fine," Buffy said, wiping the
tears from her eyes.
Angel smiled at her sadly, then shut his eyes again. She let him
sleep, he needed to keep his strength.
She heard footsteps, and turned to see Giles walk in. "How is he?"
"Getting worse by the minute. He's alternating between delirious
ravings and contemplating his death," Buffy replied sadly.
"I brought some blood from the bloodbank," Giles said. "It's in the
kitchen. "I'll call the council, possibly I can get some information,
if not help."
"You really think that will do any good?" Buffy questioned.
"It can't hurt to try," Giles replied, walking out again.
Buffy returned to the kitchen to heat up some blood. "Please let him
be okay," she asked whatever Powers might be listening. She shook her
head, "What am I doing, they never listened to me in the past," she
said in disgust.
She returned to Angel's room with a mug of blood. She stepped over to
him, and moved the mug under his nose. He opened his eyes and vamped
out, and she jumped back in fear.
He looked at her apologetically, "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to
frighten you. I'm still me." He hadn't been able to stop it, he was
too weak. He still had full control over the demon though, enough to
keep it from physically harming anyone, at least, if not to keep it
from verbally abusing them.
Buffy eyed him suspiciously, but then felt she could believe
him. "Instinctive reaction?" she offered.
"Yes," Angel nodded. "It's just when I'm weak."
"Okay," she said. She set the mug down and sat next to him, then
propped him up against her again. She put the cup to his
lips. "Drink."
He hesitated.
"I trust you, Angel. Just drink."
He nodded, and vamped out again, emptying the contents of the mug
quickly. Buffy was relieved when he reverted to his human face
quickly.
"Better?" she asked him.
"Much," he replied with a smile.
"Good," she said. She settled him back in bed, "Sleep now." She
smiled as he relaxed and did just that.
***************
