Part 39 - Scared
4 am

Buffy heard Giles walk up behind her, and turned. He'd been on the
phone a long time, and she hadn't been sure whether that was good or
bad. "Well?" she asked.

Giles looked at her nervously, then removed his glasses and cleaned
them with his shirt-tail "No luck. They can't help."

"Can't or won't?" Buffy asked.

"Won't," Giles admitted. "It's against their policy to help demons,
Buffy."

Buffy laughed, "Is this the same policy that says it's okay for a
Watcher to try to kill his slayer?!" she yelled, then jumped up and
ran out. She needed some privacy.

She returned to the kitchen, as the tears fell freely. She couldn't
take it, watching Angel slowly dying, and she knew now that was what
was happening, was worse than anything that she'd ever felt in her
life. If they couldn't find a cure, she thought she'd go mad.

She stilled as she felt hands on her shoulders.

"Don't shut off," Xander said softly. "I can't help you if you do
that. And I do want to help you, Buffy. Please let me help you."

He'd spend hours with Willow and Oz, and the news was nothing but
bad. He wished desperately that it was better, he couldn't stand
seeing her in this much pain. It was worse, knowing that he couldn't
tell her it would all be okay. He'd come back to the Mansion to tell
her the news anyway. But for now, he needed to let her work through
her current pain, not add to it.

"I'm scared," she whispered.

"It's okay to be scared, Buff. Let me be strong for a while," he
said. He turned her around, and held her tightly as she started to
sob uncontrollably.

"I'm cursed," she mumbled against his chest.

"What are you talking about?" Xander asked, rubbing her back
soothingly. "You're not cursed."

"I am!" she yelled, raising her head to look into his eyes. "Everyone
who loves me dies! Go away before you die too!"

He looked at her in confusion, unsure where this self-hatred was
coming from. "Buffy, stop talking like this. Those who choose to make
the Hellmouth their homes are living on borrowed time. You're not
responsible for what happened tonight. It has nothing to do with you,
Baby. It's not your fault," Xander insisted. He wished he could say
or do something to make her believe him.

"IT IS!" she screamed, trying to push him away but failing. "It
IS ...it is... it is," she was still pounding on his chest, but he
held tight to her. He wasn't letting go. If the only thing he could
give her was a shoulder to cry on, and arms to hold her, he'd at
least give her that much.

She cried, long and hard, and he just held her, one arm around her
waist and the other hand stroking her hair gently. Finally she
calmed, and wiped the tears from her face. "Did you know you were
involved with a mental case?" she asked him in embarrassment.

"You're not," Xander said with a smile, kissing her on the
forehead. "It's better you let it all out than hold it in."

"How can you be so understanding?" she asked.

"Your amazing ability to love is one of the reasons I fell in love
with you, Buffy. You are so loyal to the people in your life, and I
wouldn't want it any other way. I can't be angry with you for caring
about him. I'll admit I'm jealous, but that's my problem, not yours.
I just wish sometimes that I was the only one who had your heart."

"You're the only one that matters," she replied quietly. She hugged
him tighter, "You're the one I want to spend the rest of my life
with."

"Just keep reminding me of that," Xander requested with a smile,
holding her tighter.

"I think I can do that," Buffy nodded.

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