Warnings for this part: Touya and Yukito get fairly intimate, so I rated it R. If that bothers you, don't read it. (I'm just thankful that Yuki didn't insist on a lemon...)
And, yes, much of this is from Conciliation. But there's quite a bit that isn't, as well.
Three: Loneliness
"Otousan," said Touya over breakfast a few weeks later. "Yuki and I were thinking... Um... Since Sakura has gone and Yue can't be close to her any more, and Yuki's place is currently just a tax magnet..."
"You two wanted to move out?"
Touya looked down. "Yes. It's not that I don't love living here with my family, it's just..."
"You're in your mid-twenties, practically married and want a place of your own?" His father smiled. "I don't mind."
"You won't be lonely?" The house would be reduced from having four occupants to having one, after all - assuming he didn't count his mother's ghost, whom he saw around far more often than he thought strictly necessary. He couldn't help worrying about his father, sometimes.
His father smiled, sunnily. "I won't be lonely, Touya-kun. You know how often I'm away or out late, anyway. I don't get to spend as much time with you as I could anyway. Just so long as you come around for dinner occasionally, right?"
"Of course I will," he promised. "Yuki and I wouldn't want to miss your cooking for the world."
They arranged the move for the Saturday after next. The house needed to be dusted and rearranged slightly to account for the non-existence of Yukito's family.
Yukito confessed that it would be somewhat strange to be sleeping in the room and bed he'd always thought belonged to his grandparents, so they splashed out and bought a new double bed, along with redecorating the room considerably.
"It's our room now," Yuki proclaimed, when they were done.
Touya kissed him.
~ * ~
They'd been intending to watch a movie on their first night together in their house. But somehow they just got distracted and ended up making out on the bed. The only real advantage of having a second television in the bedroom, Yukito supposed, was that the only place to watch it comfortably was sitting on the bed.
He was very graciously letting Touya be dominant, just enjoying the feel of soft lips against his, tongue lightly tickling his own... Touya gently pushed him down so they were lying back on the bed, taking the kiss even deeper.
Sometimes he thought he could just lie here, kissing Touya like this, for days on end. He wondered how they'd got through so long a time, being simply best friends, without collapsing into bed with each other until the very end of their high school years. Not that bed had anything to do with how much they loved each other.
Well, maybe it did. This beautiful, overwhelming feeling couldn't come from just anybody, surely. Just his To-ya, whom he loved more than anything else in the world, and who only had to smile to make Yuki want to forget the rest of the world and just be his.
He could feel Yue in the back of his mind, determinedly thinking about Something Else and trying to pretend he wasn't hopelessly in love with Touya as well. Yukito resolved to do something about that.
Just as soon as he could think properly again.
Which could be a while.
Later, when it was over and he was lying snuggled tightly next to his beloved To-ya, his thoughts returned to the elusive Moon Guardian. He had become very comfortable with his dual identity, and was starting to realise things about his own place in Clow's creation.
He was, he knew, somewhat lacking in some aspects.
Yue didn't agree with him and told him so, huffily. He never missed a chance to point out when Yukito was being unreasonable about something.
But he was, Yukito protested. He knew his own mind well, now. He was endlessly kind and patient, if occasionally mischevious, and slow to anger and sadness. Yue, he knew, was the complete opposite.
Touya needed Yue just as much as he needed Yukito because Yue was everything Yukito wasn't.
Now, all he needed was to convince To-ya of that.
Yue thought the idea was ridiculous, because as far as he was concerned Touya was in love with Yukito and that was that. As for Yukito, he knew Touya's heart better than Touya did himself, and he was certain Touya wasn't as indifferent to Yue as the moon guardian thought.
Yue was, oddly enough, an insecure person. All of Yukito's insecurites had melted and been replaced by an overwhelming love, but Yue's heart was harder than that.
Yukito had never been hurt by love. Yue had. Yue was afraid. Yukito didn't understand that kind of fear. This was the way it was.
It distressed him.
Yue would rather anything than have Yukito in pain. Grudgingly, hesitantly, and not without a little anxiety, he agreed to talk with Touya.
Yukito smiled, and cuddled closer to his beloved. The world was going to become even more perfect.
~ * ~
"Anou, To-ya..." said Yukito, with a kiss to his friend's neck.
"Yes, Yuki?" asked Touya, sleepily.
Yukito sat up slowly, blankets pooling in his lap. Sensing this was likely to be a serious conversation, Touya sat up as well, pulling Yukito around so that he could rest his head on his friend's shoulder.
"I was hoping we could talk seriously for a bit. "
Touya blinked at him. He wondered where this was going to. "What did you want to talk about?"
Yukito blushed slightly. "I know... I've come to understand quite a lot about myself and Yue. And he loves you. Just as much as I love you. Did you know that?"
He hadn't known. He'd always presumed Yue was as aloof as he acted and that the moon guardian saw him merely as... not quite a friend, but more than an aquaintance. Perhaps a student. Touya stared at Yukito, surprised. "But... I thought he loved..."
"Clow," said Yukito. "The magician who created him... us," he corrected himself. The mistake was a common one. Yukito had confided to him once that even knowing his memories were false, it was hard to think of Clow as his creator.
"Yuki..." said Touya, thinking that Yukito was still somewhat insecure about his identity, even after all this time.
"It's okay. I understand, now, what we are to each other."
"We? You and Yue, you mean?"
Yukito nodded. "Sakura-chan said we were the same, but we're not, really. We share a soul, but our personalities are different. He is everything I am not, and I am what he isn't. Yue is the serious side, the side that knows pain, and anger, and sorrow... But I am the side that knows happiness, what it is to smile, to laugh, to have fun. Neither of us could survive without the other, because without the other we are not a whole person.
"Kerberos's false form doesn't have the same personality difference that Yue and I do. We think it may have happened by accident - when splitting into an earthly form and an unearthly form, the personality was split as well. But Yue doesn't know how or why it would have happened.
"And... Yue is sad, To-ya. He's so very lonely, because he loves you, but when you look at us you only see me..."
That wasn't entirely true. Sometimes, when Yue was training him in the use of his newfound powers, he would catch himself wondering what sorrow it was that darkened the guardian's eyes. He'd realised Yue was lonely, but he had presumed it was due to missing his Master. Touya could never quite bring himself to approach Yue on the suject. The moon guardian held himself so aloof as to make himself almost untouchable.
And Touya was shy to begin with.
"And since Sakura's been gone," continued Yukito, only then noticing Touya's distraction and trailing off into silence.
"He misses her, doesn't he?" said Touya. He knew exactly how Yue felt.
"Will you talk to him, To-ya? I want Yue to know what I feel..."
Touya grunted. "Just so long as he doesn't want you to know what he feels." He didn't ever want to see Yukito sad like Yue so often seemed.
Yukito laughed. "He just wants us both to be happy. He would never want to hurt me."
"And will you be?"
"If he is? Of course."
He sighed. "All right then. I'll talk to him."
"Great!" said Yukito, happily. "Thank you very much, To-ya," he added, leaning forward for a kiss. Touya pulled him close and held him tightly. Next thing he knew, the figure he was holding was much thinner and the room was half taken up by huge white wings.
Yue pulled away from him and brushed himself down. He regarded Touya with an even gaze.
Touya returned the look, wondering what he was supposed to say.
The two sat there, gazing at each other in silence, for a good ten minutes or so. Touya was trying to figure out how he felt about Yukito's true form - whether the ache in his heart when he saw the distance in Yue's eyes was due to friendship and a desire for his approval, or something deeper.
Lost in thought, it took him several moments before Touya realised Yukito was back. He looked somewhat... exasperated?
"Let's just go to sleep, Touya,"said Yukito, slipping back under the sheets.
"What?!" said Touya, astonished.
"Sleep," repeated Yukito patiently. "We'll discuss it later, okay?" he continued, tugging on Touya's hand gently.
"Okay..." he said, doubtfully.
Yukito kissed him, which was all the encouragement he needed to obey.
~ * ~
Yukito wanted very much to understand what Yue's life had been like, what pain would cause him to be so withdrawn in the presence of one that he loved.
Sometimes, when he dreamt, he was back where he had lived with Clow. Sometimes he was there in spirit watching Yue and Clow interact, other times he was Yue, feeling his joy and sadness as one. The sensation of being joined like that, no longer two people, was disorienting yet somehow beautiful.
Yue's master had been kind and gentle, and Yue had adored him beyond measure. The happiest moments in his dreams were when he and Clow were alone, and his master would talk to him. It didn't matter what about - whatever topic had taken Clow's fancy at the moment was infinitely of interest to Yue.
Yet tonight, it seemed Yukito was alone in the house. He wandered through, opening doors and calling for someone to come to him until it became painfully obvious that there was no one there to come.
Of all the dreams he had had of the past, this dream was hurting the most. So this was loneliness. This was what it was like to have no one left, no one to love, no one to hold...
The entire house was empty. He was alone, so alone, he wanted someone to talk to but there was nobody there, everyone was gone... Everyone was...
He felt himself gathered in a tight hold, tears brushed away by gentle fingers.
"I never meant for you to see this," came a soft whisper. "This is not right for you."
He rested his head on Yue's shoulder, holding him tightly. "This isn't right for you, either. Neither of us has the need to be lonely."
Yue gave a long, drawn out sigh. "This is my dream. He has my power. I will call him here."
And, yes, much of this is from Conciliation. But there's quite a bit that isn't, as well.
Three: Loneliness
"Otousan," said Touya over breakfast a few weeks later. "Yuki and I were thinking... Um... Since Sakura has gone and Yue can't be close to her any more, and Yuki's place is currently just a tax magnet..."
"You two wanted to move out?"
Touya looked down. "Yes. It's not that I don't love living here with my family, it's just..."
"You're in your mid-twenties, practically married and want a place of your own?" His father smiled. "I don't mind."
"You won't be lonely?" The house would be reduced from having four occupants to having one, after all - assuming he didn't count his mother's ghost, whom he saw around far more often than he thought strictly necessary. He couldn't help worrying about his father, sometimes.
His father smiled, sunnily. "I won't be lonely, Touya-kun. You know how often I'm away or out late, anyway. I don't get to spend as much time with you as I could anyway. Just so long as you come around for dinner occasionally, right?"
"Of course I will," he promised. "Yuki and I wouldn't want to miss your cooking for the world."
They arranged the move for the Saturday after next. The house needed to be dusted and rearranged slightly to account for the non-existence of Yukito's family.
Yukito confessed that it would be somewhat strange to be sleeping in the room and bed he'd always thought belonged to his grandparents, so they splashed out and bought a new double bed, along with redecorating the room considerably.
"It's our room now," Yuki proclaimed, when they were done.
Touya kissed him.
They'd been intending to watch a movie on their first night together in their house. But somehow they just got distracted and ended up making out on the bed. The only real advantage of having a second television in the bedroom, Yukito supposed, was that the only place to watch it comfortably was sitting on the bed.
He was very graciously letting Touya be dominant, just enjoying the feel of soft lips against his, tongue lightly tickling his own... Touya gently pushed him down so they were lying back on the bed, taking the kiss even deeper.
Sometimes he thought he could just lie here, kissing Touya like this, for days on end. He wondered how they'd got through so long a time, being simply best friends, without collapsing into bed with each other until the very end of their high school years. Not that bed had anything to do with how much they loved each other.
Well, maybe it did. This beautiful, overwhelming feeling couldn't come from just anybody, surely. Just his To-ya, whom he loved more than anything else in the world, and who only had to smile to make Yuki want to forget the rest of the world and just be his.
He could feel Yue in the back of his mind, determinedly thinking about Something Else and trying to pretend he wasn't hopelessly in love with Touya as well. Yukito resolved to do something about that.
Just as soon as he could think properly again.
Which could be a while.
Later, when it was over and he was lying snuggled tightly next to his beloved To-ya, his thoughts returned to the elusive Moon Guardian. He had become very comfortable with his dual identity, and was starting to realise things about his own place in Clow's creation.
He was, he knew, somewhat lacking in some aspects.
Yue didn't agree with him and told him so, huffily. He never missed a chance to point out when Yukito was being unreasonable about something.
But he was, Yukito protested. He knew his own mind well, now. He was endlessly kind and patient, if occasionally mischevious, and slow to anger and sadness. Yue, he knew, was the complete opposite.
Touya needed Yue just as much as he needed Yukito because Yue was everything Yukito wasn't.
Now, all he needed was to convince To-ya of that.
Yue thought the idea was ridiculous, because as far as he was concerned Touya was in love with Yukito and that was that. As for Yukito, he knew Touya's heart better than Touya did himself, and he was certain Touya wasn't as indifferent to Yue as the moon guardian thought.
Yue was, oddly enough, an insecure person. All of Yukito's insecurites had melted and been replaced by an overwhelming love, but Yue's heart was harder than that.
Yukito had never been hurt by love. Yue had. Yue was afraid. Yukito didn't understand that kind of fear. This was the way it was.
It distressed him.
Yue would rather anything than have Yukito in pain. Grudgingly, hesitantly, and not without a little anxiety, he agreed to talk with Touya.
Yukito smiled, and cuddled closer to his beloved. The world was going to become even more perfect.
"Anou, To-ya..." said Yukito, with a kiss to his friend's neck.
"Yes, Yuki?" asked Touya, sleepily.
Yukito sat up slowly, blankets pooling in his lap. Sensing this was likely to be a serious conversation, Touya sat up as well, pulling Yukito around so that he could rest his head on his friend's shoulder.
"I was hoping we could talk seriously for a bit. "
Touya blinked at him. He wondered where this was going to. "What did you want to talk about?"
Yukito blushed slightly. "I know... I've come to understand quite a lot about myself and Yue. And he loves you. Just as much as I love you. Did you know that?"
He hadn't known. He'd always presumed Yue was as aloof as he acted and that the moon guardian saw him merely as... not quite a friend, but more than an aquaintance. Perhaps a student. Touya stared at Yukito, surprised. "But... I thought he loved..."
"Clow," said Yukito. "The magician who created him... us," he corrected himself. The mistake was a common one. Yukito had confided to him once that even knowing his memories were false, it was hard to think of Clow as his creator.
"Yuki..." said Touya, thinking that Yukito was still somewhat insecure about his identity, even after all this time.
"It's okay. I understand, now, what we are to each other."
"We? You and Yue, you mean?"
Yukito nodded. "Sakura-chan said we were the same, but we're not, really. We share a soul, but our personalities are different. He is everything I am not, and I am what he isn't. Yue is the serious side, the side that knows pain, and anger, and sorrow... But I am the side that knows happiness, what it is to smile, to laugh, to have fun. Neither of us could survive without the other, because without the other we are not a whole person.
"Kerberos's false form doesn't have the same personality difference that Yue and I do. We think it may have happened by accident - when splitting into an earthly form and an unearthly form, the personality was split as well. But Yue doesn't know how or why it would have happened.
"And... Yue is sad, To-ya. He's so very lonely, because he loves you, but when you look at us you only see me..."
That wasn't entirely true. Sometimes, when Yue was training him in the use of his newfound powers, he would catch himself wondering what sorrow it was that darkened the guardian's eyes. He'd realised Yue was lonely, but he had presumed it was due to missing his Master. Touya could never quite bring himself to approach Yue on the suject. The moon guardian held himself so aloof as to make himself almost untouchable.
And Touya was shy to begin with.
"And since Sakura's been gone," continued Yukito, only then noticing Touya's distraction and trailing off into silence.
"He misses her, doesn't he?" said Touya. He knew exactly how Yue felt.
"Will you talk to him, To-ya? I want Yue to know what I feel..."
Touya grunted. "Just so long as he doesn't want you to know what he feels." He didn't ever want to see Yukito sad like Yue so often seemed.
Yukito laughed. "He just wants us both to be happy. He would never want to hurt me."
"And will you be?"
"If he is? Of course."
He sighed. "All right then. I'll talk to him."
"Great!" said Yukito, happily. "Thank you very much, To-ya," he added, leaning forward for a kiss. Touya pulled him close and held him tightly. Next thing he knew, the figure he was holding was much thinner and the room was half taken up by huge white wings.
Yue pulled away from him and brushed himself down. He regarded Touya with an even gaze.
Touya returned the look, wondering what he was supposed to say.
The two sat there, gazing at each other in silence, for a good ten minutes or so. Touya was trying to figure out how he felt about Yukito's true form - whether the ache in his heart when he saw the distance in Yue's eyes was due to friendship and a desire for his approval, or something deeper.
Lost in thought, it took him several moments before Touya realised Yukito was back. He looked somewhat... exasperated?
"Let's just go to sleep, Touya,"said Yukito, slipping back under the sheets.
"What?!" said Touya, astonished.
"Sleep," repeated Yukito patiently. "We'll discuss it later, okay?" he continued, tugging on Touya's hand gently.
"Okay..." he said, doubtfully.
Yukito kissed him, which was all the encouragement he needed to obey.
Yukito wanted very much to understand what Yue's life had been like, what pain would cause him to be so withdrawn in the presence of one that he loved.
Sometimes, when he dreamt, he was back where he had lived with Clow. Sometimes he was there in spirit watching Yue and Clow interact, other times he was Yue, feeling his joy and sadness as one. The sensation of being joined like that, no longer two people, was disorienting yet somehow beautiful.
Yue's master had been kind and gentle, and Yue had adored him beyond measure. The happiest moments in his dreams were when he and Clow were alone, and his master would talk to him. It didn't matter what about - whatever topic had taken Clow's fancy at the moment was infinitely of interest to Yue.
Yet tonight, it seemed Yukito was alone in the house. He wandered through, opening doors and calling for someone to come to him until it became painfully obvious that there was no one there to come.
Of all the dreams he had had of the past, this dream was hurting the most. So this was loneliness. This was what it was like to have no one left, no one to love, no one to hold...
The entire house was empty. He was alone, so alone, he wanted someone to talk to but there was nobody there, everyone was gone... Everyone was...
He felt himself gathered in a tight hold, tears brushed away by gentle fingers.
"I never meant for you to see this," came a soft whisper. "This is not right for you."
He rested his head on Yue's shoulder, holding him tightly. "This isn't right for you, either. Neither of us has the need to be lonely."
Yue gave a long, drawn out sigh. "This is my dream. He has my power. I will call him here."
