( Disclaimer: I don't own Final Fantasy 8 or Snow White. But I do own the word 'Ooga Booga Boo' so if you use it, I'll sue ur ass! Mwahahahahhahahaha!)
Snow White and the Seven SeeD's
Once upon a time, in a land far far away, there lived a beautiful princess by the name of Snow White. Lips red as the red red rose, hair as black as ebony and skin as white as snow, she was known across the country for her immense beauty that resembled the late queen, Julia. One day, her father King Caraway remarried to an evil woman by the name of Ultimecia. Now Queen Ultimecia was very vain. So vain that she would not allow anyone more beautiful than her to exist. Everyday she questioned her magic mirror who was the fairest in the land and everyday the answer was the same, that Ultimecia remained the most beautiful and fair. But she was still not convinced, for little Snow White was growing fast and more beautiful day by day. So the evil queen dressed Snow White up in rags and had her go by the name Rinoa, hoping that the girl would not grow to be more beautiful than she...
*&*
The Fantasy Starts...
*&*
The scullery maid dropped the old wooden bucket into the well and sighed as she began to pull it up with immense effort.
" Why does she ask me to do this?" She asked the little birds who were perched on the side of the well. " Doesn't she know we have running water inside the castle?"
But, nevertheless, the maid continued to pull the water up and carry it to the castle where she left the bucket in front of the Queen's room. She headed down the spiral staircase back outside where she was to now trim the roses. As she was diligently working, she felt an apple bop her on the head.
" Who's there?" She questioned. A tap on her shoulder and she quickly turned around to face her good friend Nida, the son of the head lady in waiting to the Queen and a huntsman.
" I brought you some apples, dear princess," He said, bowing down and handing the maid a red apple. She took it then a worried expression overtook her fair face.
" Please don't call me that, dear friend," Said she. " The Queen would be most furious!"
" But Snow White--"
" Not that either!" She commanded. " Call me by the name my dear stepmother has given to me."
" Alright Rinoa, but I don't know why you put up with this. You are by far the most fairest in the land and everyone can see that as truth!" Nida exclaimed.
" Oh really?"
Both Nida and Rinoa gasped as they saw a looming figure behind Nida, who had spun 'round in surprise.
" Your Majesty!" Rinoa and Nida exclaimed as they bowed down to Queen Ultimecia.
" Oh, please don't let my presence both you, dear children. Now, what were you talking about?" She asked in her thick accent from a far away land.
" Nothing, your Majesty! He didn't mean a single word of what he said!" Rinoa cried out. " You are by far the fairest, my Queen."
Nida nodded rapidly and for a second, deep hatred shadowed the Queen's gorgeous face. She narrowed her violet eyes surrounded by rouge, then glared at Rinoa.
" Rinoa, get up and let me take a look at you," She ordered.
Rinoa stood up on shaking feet, then stood straight and tall in front of the Queen.
" He's right, you know," The Queen snarled. " You are most beautiful. Let's just hope that your beauty isn't the kause of your demise!"
The Queen laughed most evilly than disappeared in a cloud of purple smoke. Nida and Rinoa were most frightened, but then Nida looked at Rinoa in puzzlement, asking how the Queen did that.
*&*
" Mirror, Mirror, on the wall, who is the fairest one of all?" Queen Ultimecia asked the Mirror. The Mirror began to haze and the face of a man in his late forties with balding brown hair and glasses appeared.
" You, the Queen, is no longer the fairest in the land. The princess Snow White is the one at hand." Said the Mirror. " And I have a name, you know! Cid Kramer!"
The Queen was enraged. Not just because her mirror was a back talking old coot who was terrible at rhymes, but because Snow White a.k.a. Rinoa was the most beautiful in the land. First the Queen broke many of her possessions in the room she was in, then she vowed to complete Time Kompression , but then again, she didn't know what Time Kompression was. So instead she sat down on her Royal Throne that sat high up and she glared hatefully down at Princess Snow White a.k.a. Rinoa, who was actually smiling as she did her work in the courtyard.
" Yes, she is beautiful," Queen Ultimecia said to herself. " So beautiful...that she must be killed!"
" Did you say something, dearest?" King Caraway asked, who was normally oblivious to all. He was sitting on his throne, somewhat a hundred feet below Queen Ultimecia's throne.
" I was just planning the death of your daughter!" The Queen called down.
" Okay!" The King answered and continued to fiddle with his Playstation. " C'mon Squall...I need your Limit Break! No, not Selphie, she only has 49 HP! No! Damn you Ultimecia!"
Later on, once the King had left the kingdom on an important notice that elves were going to attack and wreak havoc on all, the Queen called Nida to her Royal Chambers.
" You called for me, your Majesty?" Nida asked and the Queen smiled evilly.
" Yes, you are to take Rinoa out to the woods tomorrow where she shall pick some flowers," The Queen said.
" Yes, your Majesty." Nida bowed down and left the room.
" Wait you idiot! I am not done yet!" The Queen screamed.
Nida came running back.
" You hollered, your Majesty?" He asked.
" Yes, now then, you shall take Rinoa to the forest to pick some flowers, then..." The Queen paused dramatically. " You shall kill her!"
Nida gasped.
" But your Majesty!"
" And as proof that you have kompleted your mission, you shall bring me back...her heart!" The Queen held out a small box with a golden heart embedded on it.
" Eww!" Nida cried out. " Not only is that evil, that's gross! Her heart? You are one sick..." He noticed the Queen glaring at him and immediately stopped. " I mean, you are feeling sick, aren't you, your Majesty?"
The Queen sighed, then threw the box at the young man.
" Just do it, and if you don't..." She shook her dainty fist at Nida and he backed away cautiously.
*&*
" Oh Nida, wasn't it ever so kind of the Queen to let us take this blissful stroll in the woods?" Rinoa said, smiling.
" Uh...yeah...kind..." Nida stuttered, feeling nervous. Today the Princess was even more splendid looking than she usually was. Her hair had a beautiful red ribbon in it fashion to a headband and she was wearing the most magnificent gown of a blue blouse, yellow skirt and red short puffy sleeves. Actually, when Nida thought more about it, she looked slightly out of place and weird.
" What's with your clothes, Rinoa?" He asked, making a face.
" Oh, something the Queen asked me to wear. I've never seen anything like it and on the back there is a tag with the word 'Disney' emblazed on it," Said she, looking over the dress and giggling.
Nida was wearing the traditional uniform of the palace, a navy suit with golden designs on it.
" You are most finely dressed today, dear Nida," Rinoa said, then smiled yet again. Nida shrugged and Rinoa bent down to pick up flowers.
" Now is a time better than ever," Nida thought to himself, then pulled out a sword of great craftsmanship. He was about to stab her when he couldn't help but to admire her behind. " What a waste..." He thought, about to put down the sword. But then he remembered the Queen's wrath and raised the sword high above towards the clouds, ready to pierce dear Snow White a.k.a. Rinoa's heart. It was that moment he struck the sword down that Rinoa turned around with her bouquet in hand and screamed.
Nida instantly brought the sword down on the ground, not being able to kill his dear friend.
" I'm sorry, Princess," He cried out and began to sob. " I'm sorry!"
" But sweet Nida," Rinoa asked, clearly confused. " What for?"
" For trying to kill you!" Nida tearfully said.
" Oh, that is alright," Said Rinoa. " Let's just forget our troubles, shall we?"
" Rinoa," Nida stopped crying. " I just tried to kill you."
" I told you it's alright," Rinoa said, then held out her arms. " How about a hug?"
Nida began to become furious.
" Rinoa, listen to me, the Queen wants you dead!"
" Whatever for? I always thought we were the best of friends..." Rinoa said, her aggravating smile finally disappearing.
" RINOA, HYNE DAMMIT, SHE WANTS TO KILL YOU BECAUSE SHE'S EVIL AND YOUR BEAUTIFUL SO RUN FOR YOUR DAMN LIFE BEFORE I CHANGE MY MIND AND DECIDE TO KILL YOU AFTER ALL!" When Nida had finished, his face was flustered and he was panting greatly.
" Well, you didn't have to be such a crab apple about it, my kind friend," Rinoa said. " And since I can't make the Queen my friend, I should just run."
She remained in front of Nida smiling and he shook his head, then picked up his sword after the tenth minute. Rinoa's eyes widened and she instantly ran off into the dark forest.
*&*
The forest was ever so frightful to the dear princess and she ran around in a frenzy, trying to find a place to hide. It was soon getting dark and she was becoming more frightened by the minute. The trees bore claws that tore at her dress and the dark crevices and holes had dreadful eyes. If Rinoa had only known she was hallucinating, then she wouldn't have given out a high pitched scream and fainted on the dirty and bug infested ground.
The animals had began to tug at her and a family of rabbits began to bite her legs. Rinoa woke up from the pain and instantly shooed the animals away.
" Oh dear, where am I now?" She asked herself. She slowly got up and cursed the animals of the forest as she tried to find a way out. There was light coming from one end of the forest and she ran towards it to reveal a clearing where a small cottage lay. Rinoa made her way through the field to the home and knocked on the tiny door.
" Hello, is anyone home?" She asked. When no one answered the door, she tried the knob and found that it was unlocked. The princess then went inside where she was greeted by a great mess.
" Oh dear," She said. " What messy people!"
Rinoa then squealed when she saw the miniature sized furniture.
" Children must live here," Rinoa whispered. " Dirty little filthy children!"
Then she saw the nunchaku, gloves, gunblade, whip, circular razor, giant club and rifle lying on the floor.
" Messy and dangerous children!"
Angrily, Rinoa cleaned up the mess in the room and washed the piles of dishes which had begun to grow mould. As night fell, she went asleep to find three beds. One was too large, one was too soft but one was just right. She fell asleep right away, vowing that when she woke up, she would give the little children a great scolding.
*&*
Queen Ultimecia laughed as she held the heart of Snow White a.k.a. Rinoa in her hands.
" Eww..." The Mirror said, making a face. " Did you have to take that out of the box?"
The Queen laughed once more.
" Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who is the fairest one of all?" Probed the Queen.
The Mirror sighed and rolled his eyes.
" You my Queen, fair by far. But Snow White lives, so hardy har har!"
" But how kan this be? The heart I hold in my hand belongs to the fair princess!" The Queen said.
" Oh Hyne, can't you tell the difference between a human's heart and a Grats?"
The Queen looked down to the bloody mass staining her white hands and sure enough, it was ten times smaller than the normal size of a humans heart.
" Then where is she?" The Queen demanded. " Where is the girl?"
The Mirror grew foggy, then turned to an image of a small cottage.
" Over seven hills, seven streams and seven plains lays Snow White, at the home of the Seven SeeD's."
" SeeD's?" The Queen yelled out in rage. " Kurse all SeeD's! I shall get my revenge and be the most beautiful in the land if that's the last thing I do!"
*&*
" Hyne, I am soooo tired!" Exclaimed the girl with the chestnut hair and perky green eyes.
" Yeah, me too," Sighed the man with the wild mark on the left side of his face.
" Shut up, Chickenwuss!" The angry man with short blonde hair yelled.
" ANNOYING," The woman with an eye patch and platinum hair said.
" Leave him alone," The blonde woman ordered.
" Hi ho, hi ho, it's home from--" The cheery girl sang.
" SHUT UP!" Everyone yelled at her and she pouted.
" I was just singing..."
There was seven of them, all walking home from a tiring day of work. They were at the cottage and fighting as usual when they heard a strange sound from inside.
" That sounds like snoring, ya know," The burly dark man said. " We better be careful, ya know."
The seven of them slowly made their way up the stairs of the house, being careful not to bump their heads on the roof. The man with the ponytail and cowboy hat was ordered to open the bedroom door and so he did, rifle hand where he had found in the closet.
His breath caught in his throat as he saw the beautiful sleeping princess in the last 'just right' bed.
" Hey guys, it's a chick!" The cowboy whispered loudly. Everyone stumbled in to see the heavenly Rinoa.
" Who is she?" Asked the perky girl.
" What is she doing here?" Questioned the tattooed boy.
" She shouldn't be here," Said the angry blonde. He walked up to her and pinched his fingers on her nose so that she couldn't breathe. The girl began to cough and sputter, instantly getting up. At first she was shocked, but then she smiled.
" You're not children," She exclaimed. " You're seven dwarves!"
" Hey lady," Said the angry blonde. " We are not dwarves!"
" NORMAL HUMANS," The woman with the eye patch said. " SEED."
" Then why do you live in such a small house?" Asked Rinoa.
" We couldn't afford a bigger house although we mine for diamonds," Said the strict blonde woman.
" Oh, well, let me guess your names!" Rinoa said, smiling. She pointed to the girl with the chestnut hair.
" You must be Happy!" Rinoa guessed.
" No, I'm Selphie! But I am veeery happy!" Selphie exclaimed, then giggled.
" Oh, than you must be Sleepy," Rinoa pointed to the eye patched woman.
" FUJIN. AWAKE," said Fujin.
" And you're Doc," Rinoa said, pointing to the strict blonde woman.
" My name is Quistis," Quistis said, then placed her hands on her hips.
" Bashful must be you, then," Rinoa said, referring to the tattooed man.
" I'm kinda bashful..." He said.
Rinoa shook her head.
" No, your name is Bashful!"
" No way man, I'm Zell!" Zell said, thumping his hand on his chest.
" Well, Sneezy must be you," Said Rinoa, pointing to the burly man.
" I'm Raijin, ya know," Raijin said.
" Then Dopey must be you," Rinoa said to the cowboy.
" Naw, I'm Horny, I mean...I'm Irvine," Said Irvine and winked at Rinoa
" Finally, you must be Grumpy," Rinoa said to the angry blonde man.
" Yeah...I mean, hell no! I'm Seifer and what I wanna know is, what the hell are you doing here?" Seifer asked, glaring at Rinoa.
" Oh, I'm awfully rude with my manners. My name is Snow White, but my friends call me Rinoa."
" Snow White? As in, the princess?" Zell exclaimed, his eyes wide.
" Princess my ass," Seifer said angrily. "She's a fraud I tell ya! A fraud!"
" Oh no!" Rinoa said, shaking her head. " I'm not a fraud! I really am a princess!"
" We believe you," Irvine said, holding Rinoa's hand. " It's great that you like to role play in bed!"
Rinoa snatched her hand away.
" Fine, don't believe me then. But I want to ask you something," Rinoa looked at Quistis. " May I be able to stay with you kind people for a while? My stepmother is in a very bad mood and she's trying to kill me!"
The SeeD's gasped, then began to talk to one another.
" Her mother?"
" Trying to kill her?"
" Good riddance."
" Quiet!" Quistis yelled and the tiny room was silent. " You may stay as long as you do all the work in the house."
" Oh thank you, I adore house cleaning!" Rinoa cried out, hugging Quistis.
" She likes cleaning?" Selphie asked. " That girl must be nuts!"
*&*
So Princess Rinoa remained with the Seven SeeD's as summer grew to autumn and autumn flew to winter and so forth. When a year had passed, Rinoa had become very dear to the Seven SeeD's, even to Seifer whose heart grew three times its normal size whenever he was around her. Seifer had learned the true meaning of Christmas that year when he was visited by three---oh, wait, that's a different story. What I, the omniscient voice in your head, was supposed to say was that the Queen was concocting an evil spell to rid of beautiful Snow White a.k.a. Rinoa once and for all...
*&*
" Mwahahaha!" The evil Queen cackled evilly. " I shall concoct an evil spell to rid of beautiful Snow White a.k.a. Rinoa once and for all!"
" You can't destroy her," The Mirror warned. " It shall be your own end."
The evil Queen threw her hairbrush at the mirror, which shattered to a million pieces at the force of the blow. The Queen then ran down many flights of stairs to her secret laboratory where she pulled out a large book entitled, 'For Every Evil Character in a Fairytale--Spells that will fail, duh!'
She began to flip through it until she came to the page labelled 'Snow White'. There she found a spell so evil that we cannot tell the contents of it here or be sued by the readers parents. The Queen used the spell to make herself an innocent old woman and then she pulled out a hotdog.
" If she was living with SeeD's, then she must be accustomed to hotdogs by now," She dipped the hotdog in a sticky green brew and the image of a skull was imprinted on it.
" I hate it when that happens," The Queen said and pulled out her brown magic marker, colouring the hotdog. " Excellent. Now she won't be able to resist!" Then the Queen laughed but since she was an old woman now, it just sounded like a terrible wheezing sound, echoing through the dark corridors of the ancient castle.
*&*
" We're going to work now, Rinoa," Quistis said. " Please take care and remember, don't talk to strangers!"
" I won't," Rinoa said, handing Quistis a bag of hotdogs for their lunch.
" Make me pie!" Selphie demanded, then giggled.
" Of course," said Rinoa. It still amazed her how Selphie was more joyful than she.
" We'll be back soon," Zell said and hugged Rinoa.
" I'll be waiting!" Rinoa said, hugging Zell back.
" Miss ya, honey!" Irvine said grinning. When he hugged Rinoa he grabbed her behind and she gasped in shock.
" Irvine! That's the 687th time you've done that!"
" Every time..."Irvine said and winked at Rinoa.
" Keep ma food warm, ya know," Raijin said and hugged Rinoa.
" Raijin, you're suffocating me!" Rinoa gasped, relieved when Raijin let her go.
" BYE," Fujin said and shook hands with Rinoa.
When everyone was gone, Seifer went up to Rinoa, blushing.
" Listen, just be careful. I know you're really stupid and you do stupid things so stop acting like Selphie and be careful," Seifer warned.
" Aww, you do care," Rinoa said. She went on the tips of her toes and kissed Seifer on the cheek, who just grumbled.
" Have a good day at work!" She yelled after Seifer. " And make sure not to give any picks to Selphie!"
Once Seifer was out of view, Rinoa went back inside the house to prepare Selphie's pie. While she was doing that, she began to feel quite hungry. She searched through the fridge for any hotdogs, but discovered they were all gone.
" Oh dear," Said Rinoa. " Now whatever shall I do?"
" In a fix, my dear?"
Rinoa gasped, startled by the voice. Outside of the cottage window was an old woman dressed in rags and holding a basket of hotdogs.
" Oh, it's just a sweet old woman," Rinoa said. " Please, come in kind stranger!"
The woman hobbled in and sat down in one of the miniature chairs.
" No one home, my dear?" The old woman asked in her haggard voice.
" No, they all went to work," Rinoa explained. " I was just making some pies when you came here."
Suddenly, Rinoa's stomach growled and she blushed.
" Oh, hungry I see," The old woman said. " Since you are so beautiful, I shall give you one of my hotdogs for free."
" Oh no!" Rinoa protested. " I couldn't!"
" Please take it," The hag said. " It's a wishing hotdog, that will make all your dreams kome true."
" Really?" Rinoa was amazed, for she had never heard of a wishing hotdog before.
" Oh yes," The old woman placed the hotdog in Rinoa's hands and she couldn't help her mouth watering.
" Now make a wish and take a bite..." The old woman said.
Rinoa stared at the hotdog wearily.
" Ok, I'll take a bite from this magical hotdog given to me by some strange old woman who I have never met before." And she closed her eyes, making a wish. Then she took a bite.
*&*
" Whoever thought that diamonds were worth something!" Zell said, punching his fists in the air. " We're gonna be rich, baby!"
" Now we can actually move in to a real house!" Selphie said, laughing.
" I can't wait to tell Rinoa, ya know," Raijin said. They were now running to the house in anticipation to meet Rinoa. When they came to the house, it was dark and there was no answer at the door. They went inside, then gasped in shock.
Rinoa was lying on the floor--dead. Well, they didn't know if she was actually dead, but she wasn't moving or breathing. And beside her was---a hotdog, half eaten.
*&*
So beautiful even in death that the SeeD's couldn't bear to bury her beneath the cold and empty ground. So they fashioned a glass coffin for her, made of wood and gold. Everyday they visited their dear princess, placing flowers around her and wishing for her back.
*&*
The SeeD's were once more in mourning over their dear princess, and they knelt silently next to her until Seifer spoke.
" If she's dead and we've kept her in this coffin for about a year, why isn't she moulding and decaying?"
" Gross, Seifer!" Selphie yelled. Then she, Quistis and Fujin smacked him over the head.
" I was just wondering..." Seifer rubbed the top of his head.
" I miss her," Irvine said, staring at Rinoa.
" Me too," Zell placed his hand around Irvine's shoulders. " I was planning to marry her."
" You?" Seifer began to hysterically laugh and rolled on the ground. " Haha, Chickenwuss and the princess in holy matrimony!"
" Hey, back off, Seifer!" Quistis yelled.
" He's only like this because he loved her too, ya know," Raijin whispered to Fujin.
" AFFIRMATIVE."
Suddenly, the forest was quiet and so were the SeeD's, for a strange sound was heard. The clopping of a horses hooves and then before them stood a handsome man wearing a black leather jacket, leather pants, a white tank top, a cape and riding a horse.
" That cape really clashes," Selphie said and the man got off of the horse.
" My name is Prince Squall Leonhart of Balamb and I have journeyed from afar searching for the maiden forever asleep in her glass coffin," The prince said gallantly.
" She's not asleep you moron, she's dead!" Seifer yelled.
" Oh," Squall bent down and looked at Rinoa. " Whatever. Then I suppose I should avenge her death. I have heard that a Queen from the kingdom of Deling was boasting to Queen Edea of Garden about how she had poisoned a beautiful maiden by the means of an enchanted hotdog."
" So it was her!" Quistis cried out.
" There goes your theory about the evil elves!" Zell said to Seifer.
" Ya, well because of Trepe here, we couldn't eat hotdogs for a year!" Seifer yelled at Quistis.
" Damn you!" Selphie screamed, attacking Quistis.
" So she really is a princess?" Irvine asked.
" Well ya, ya know," Raijin said.
" Uhm...hello...prince here?" Squall said, waving his hand in front of the bickering SeeD's. They paid no heed to the handsome man, so he galloped away to avenge the death of the beautiful Princess Snow White a.k.a. Rinoa. He rode to the castle atop of a mountain shrouded in darkness, then barged through the door.
The Queen smiled when she saw him.
" Ah, Prince Squall Leonhart of Balamb. What brings you here?" She asked.
" I have come for the revenge of dear Snow White who you have so wrongly killed!" Squall spoke.
" Killed? I simply put that brat into a deep sleep which kan only be awakened by a true loves kiss." Then she noticed the expression on the Prince's face. " Oh, I wasn't supposed to tell you that, was I?"
Prince Squall charged at the Queen, crying out 'Lionheart!' and finishing her with one blow from his mighty gunblade. The Queen fell to the floor of her castle, clutching her wound.
" I'm melting!" She cried out.
" No you're not," Prince Squall said, giving her a look of puzzlement.
" Ahhh!" The Queen screamed. " This isn't over yet, boy! I shall get my revenge!"
And with those last words, Queen Ultimecia died.
" She wasn't even beautiful in the first place," Squall said. He shrugged and decided to go back to where his beloved lay.
*&*
Once he was back at the cottage, Squall raised the lid of the glass coffin and placed his lips on Rinoa's. Her eyes fluttered open and she stared at everyone in puzzlement.
" What am I doing here?" Then she saw Squall. " And who may you be?"
" I am Prince Squall, the one who has saved you," Squall said, kneeling down in front of Rinoa.
The SeeD's cried out from joy and hugged each other in happiness.
" She's alive!" They sang. " Alive!"
" Yes, and now my angel, you can go off with me to my kingdom into the sunset," Proclaimed Squall.
" Hold on a minute," Rinoa said and everyone was silent. " I just met this guy and he expects me to go off with him into the sunset?"
"Well, I would," Quistis said, eying the prince.
" But you said you would marry me!" Zell said.
" That's true," Rinoa said and looked at Squall. " I did say I would marry him!"
" Naw, it's okay," Zell said. " I have Selphie."
Selphie giggled and hugged Zell.
" You love me?"
" Yep!"
Seifer groaned.
" Oh great. I can't wait to see their children!"
" I don't know what to do..." Rinoa said. " I don't want to leave you guys but then again, this prince is quite handsome and kind since he had saved my life. So yes Squall, I shall go with you to your kingdom where we shall live happily ever after!"
The SeeD's cheered again as Squall picked up Rinoa and placed her on his horse. Then together they walked into the sunset towards the Kingdom of Balamb, and the SeeD's couldn't be more happy that they had rid themselves of the overly joyful princess.
*&*
And they lived happily ever after.
The End.
*&*
Please Review and if I get a lot of reviews for this one, I'll write a Beauty and the Beast FFVIII version starring a most popular pairing ( I'm not going to tell now, that will ruin the surprise!)I'll just say that it's not Rinoa as the heroine or Squall as the hero in this one...actually when I think about it...how about in your review, you guys tell me what pairing you want for Beauty and the Beast! Thankies!
