I claim nothing. Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling and the Spanish Inquisition belongs to Monty Python.



Chapter 22

The Spanish Inquisition Returns

Scene: Cyn is telling the Cougar (her therapist) what happened with the Spanish Inquistion.

"So then Draco said that he hadn't expected the Spanish Inquisiton and then these guys come in and-"

[The cardinals burst in]

"NOBODY expects the Spanish Inquisition! Amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope, and nice red uniforms - Oh damn! I can't say it - you'll have to say it!"

" What?"

" You'll have to say the bit about 'Our chief weapons are ..."

" I couldn't do that... "

"Argh! We'll have to do it again!" one of them screamed

"I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition," said Cyn, obliging them.

[ [The cardinals enter]

" Er.... Nobody...um...."

"Expects..."

" Expects... Nobody expects the...um...the Spanish...um..."

"Inquisition."

" I know, I know! Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition. In fact, those who do expect -"

" Our chief weapons are..."

" Our chief weapons are...um...er..."

" Surprise..."

" Surprise and -"

" Okay, stop. Stop. Stop there - stop there. Stop. Phew! Ah! ... our chief weapons are surprise...blah blah blah. Cardinal, read the charges."

" You are hereby charged that you did on diverse dates commit heresy against the Holy Church. 'My old man said follow the-"

" That's enough."

[" Now, how do you plead?"

" We're innocent," said Cyn.

[DIABOLICAL LAUGHTER]

" We'll soon change your mind about that!"

[DIABOLICAL ACTING]

" Fear, surprise, and a most ruthless-- Ooooh! Now, Cardinal -- the rack!"

( One of them produces a plastic-coated dish-drying rack.)

" You....Right! Tie her down. "

[They make a pathetic attempt to tie her on to the drying rack]

"Right! How do you plead?"

" Innocent," said Cyn.

" Ha! Right! Cardinal, give the rack [oh dear] give the rack a turn. "

" I...."

"I know, I know you can't. I didn't want to say anything. I just wanted to try and ignore your crass mistake."

" I..."

" It makes it all seem so stupid."

" Shall I...?"

"No, just pretend for God's sake. Ha! Ha! Ha! "

[Turns an imaginary handle on the side of the dish-rack]

Just when things looked their darkest the Beatles rushed in and saved Cyn. The cougar had left to see a different patient.