Middle Earth Graphiti: Part 2

Scrawled on a table at the Prancing Pony: "Butterbur's ale has good head."

On a mallorn tree on the outskirts of Lorien: "Legolas is an axe-kissing dwarf lover."
Under that, in thin carvings evident of a bowknife: "Haldir, you carve so loud I can shoot YOU in the dark!"
Under that, next to a pockmark from a recent arrow: "Too late..."

In discreet Elvish letters on the inside of a Lorien swan boat: "Celeborn wears a rug."

Written with a small finger on the back of Gandalf's cloak: "WASH ME!"

On the pedestal of Galadriel's Mirror: "A woman who has PMS and ESP is a bitch who knows everything!"

On the side of the Last Homely Toilet in Rivendell: "An elf always aims straight and true."

On Balin's Tomb in Moria: "He was in no hurry...he was on his way to work!"

On one of the cave walls in Moria: "I love Orcs, they taste just like chicken!"
Under that, next to a pile of bones in clawmarks: "Dwarf...the OTHER white meat."

On one of the horns of a gargoyle at Saruman's Orthanc tower: "Horny old bastard."

On the back of one of the Shire wagons: "Shaggin' Wagon."
In answer to that: "YEAH BABY!"
And to that: "We all know it's you, Merry."

On the wooden handle of one of Sam's gardening tools: "Sam is Mass spelled backwards."
On the other side: "Learn to spell, Nippipp...I mean Pippin."

On the bottom of a sack of Gandalf's smoking weed in pen: "Laced with Viagra."

On the leg of Bilbo's old chair: "This old butt's been there and back again."

On Frodo's knapsack: "I see dead people."

The REAL message on the Ring: "If found, return to Voldemort..."