Jhondie

"So, let me get this straight," Justin said.  "There's X-6 that are just like you guys except loyal to Manticore and Lydecker, right?"

"Right," I replied, lying on the hotel bed while Justin sat in the desk chair.

"And you're actually thinking about announcing who you are to them?" he asked incredulously.

I sat up.  "That's the thing," I said.  "If Senator Martin and his friend really feel like that, then they want Manticore to end, and that sounds pretty damn good to me.  The X-6 do not matter on the political side.  Trust me, I heard that loud and clear."  I had explained to Justin what I had overheard, and told him about the X-6.  I had never really thought about them before today.  I knew they existed, but they had never seemed to be a threat.  Maybe they were getting in position to become one to me and mine.

Justin leaned forward, his elbows on his knees.  "Even if they decided to end Manticore, wouldn't they want to clean up the loose ends?  Face it love, you and the others are twelve pretty huge loose ends."

"Not if we're the ones that did it for them," I protested.  "See, there's got to be something that if we destroyed, the funding for Manticore would be cut.  If they told us what it was and where it was and we did it, then they're not going to want us caught.  Then…then…" I wasn't sure how to finish.

"Then you start a whole new life," Justin finished for me.  I wasn't sure how he meant that, and I didn't want to ask.  Sure, there were risks involved, but this was my chance at being free.  To never have to worry if Lydecker was going to show up in town again would be a dream come true.  To be able to see my siblings again was something I had only a faint hope for.  This might be the only way.  Couldn't he understand that?

"This might be my last chance to do something before Lydecker gets the bright idea to send a few X-6 to find us," I said.  "Think about it.  A five-man TAC team I could take down without breaking a nail.  The X-6 are probably just as good as me, if not better, and they are much, much better trained.  If I had to go up against one of them, I would be seven shades screwed."

Justin leaned back and blew out a breath.  "I don't know what to say Jhon.  This is either your ticket to freedom or a one-way pass back to Manticore."

My eyes narrowed at the thought.  "They'll never get me back alive," I swore coldly.  I could see the alarm in his face.  He knew exactly what I meant.  And I wasn't joking either.  I would rather be dead.

"Don't ever say that," he ordered harshly.  "I don't care what happens, as long as you are still breathing, there's hope.  You got out once before, didn't you?"

"You don't understand…" I began, but he cut me off, jumping up from the chair and pacing the room.

"You're damn right I don't understand!" he yelled.  I sat up a little straighter, my eyes wide with shock.  Justin had been mad at me before, but this was the first time he had ever yelled at me in anger.  He walked across the room, and then whipped around, his blue eyes blazing at me.

"How the hell am I supposed to understand?" he asked furiously.  "You won't tell me a damn thing about what happened to you.  You make vague statements and then expect me to support you when you run off on some suicide mission?  You tell me in one breath that you don't want to be a soldier, and in the next, you want to run off and destroy something.  And it's always "I".  What you want.  What you think.  And when I try to say anything, all I get is "you don't understand".  Dammit, I want to understand.  *You're* the one that doesn't want me too."  He looked like he was going to say something else, but just turned and stared out the window.

I went to give him a scathing retort, but it died somewhere in my throat.  The only way to make him see what I was trying to fight was to tell him the truth.  Manticore could be summed up in one event.  The rest was all part of the breaking process.  They pushed us to that one limit, and we jumped right over the edge.  The question was, were we still falling?

I was shaking.  Seizure?  I wish.  Abject fear over his reaction?  Hell, yes.

"I killed someone once," I said softly.  For a second I thought he didn't hear me.  Then he turned, the shock on his face making me cringe. 

"You did what?" he gasped, shock robbing his voice of strength.

I licked my lips and went forward.  There wasn't any backing out now.  "We committed murder together.  Manticore was there to teach us to be killers.  Everything we did was focused around that.  It never let up.  It never changed."

My eyes filled with tears, blurring my vision, but in my mind I could see every detail perfectly.  It didn't matter that they guy was on death row anyways.  It mattered what we had done.  "They pushed and pushed.  They wanted us to be so perfect.  They wanted us to be perfect killers.  And when the time came, Lydecker never even had to give the final order.  We just did it.  We were seven, eight, nine years old, and they had what they wanted."

I pulled myself into a little ball, hugging my knees to my chest.  Nobody had told us.  Nobody had ever once said what we were doing was wrong.  We had gotten extra rations and an hour of recreation time that night.  How were we to know?  That didn't make us run away from there.  It had been…exciting.  We were defending the Lady.  We were her champions.  We didn't know.

And Justin wasn't saying anything.  He wanted to know.  Now he did.  I had never claimed to be pure and sweet and innocent.  He was the one who had come into this relationship as the champion of humanity.  I just wanted to graduate high school and have a life.  Get drunk at a few college parties and have a massive hang-over or two and let the memories of what I had done stay buried forever and ever.

"Why did you do it?" he finally asked.  "Was it self-defense, or…" he couldn't figure out how to finish the sentence with some other excuse.

I looked at him.  "Nobody told us killing was wrong!" I cried out.  "Lydecker told us it was what we were supposed to do.  We were always under the threat of death and dying.  One life didn't matter for the sake of the mission.  He beat that into us."  I couldn't face him anymore.  "Human life was nothing.  It hurt when one of us was taken away, but they made sure we knew we weren't part of the human race.  We didn't know."

I don't think it was possible to feel more miserable then I did at that moment.  I shouldn't have said anything.  I didn't want to look at Justin and see the disgust in his eyes.  We had worked so much to get rid of killers, and he just learned that he was sleeping with the enemy.  After several long minutes, the bed creaked slightly as a weight was added to the side, and Justin pulled me against his chest.  "I had no idea," he whispered, sounding dazed.

I looked up at him.  "We didn't know better.  That's the horror of Manticore.  They rewarded us for losing our humanity."  Tears were falling, but I couldn't stop them.  The anger was gone from Justin's eyes, and only sympathy remained.

"Justin," I continued, "if Lydecker ever caught me, if they ever managed to bring me back alive, then I would be dead.  The Jhondie you know would be gone, and there would just be X5-182 in this body.  I love you more than I ever thought it was possible to love someone.  But trust me when I say that X5-182 could kill you without thinking about it.  Look at what they did to that girl…608.  She didn't hesitate at all.  And that was for a show.  For a mission, he would never have seen it coming."

"Then why do you want to risk it?" he asked desperately.  "You're safe from them right now, why risk letting them know where you are?"

"I want to be free," I answered.  "I'm not safe.  If Lydecker showed up in LA, I would have to leave.  I'm tired of being scared of helicopters.  I'm tired of nightmares about men in black and TAC teams and blood and dogs and snow."  How could he understand really?  He had no idea what it was like to be hunted for something you didn't want and couldn't control.  Yes, I seemed normal, but I knew I wasn't.  My life had been stable, but I still looked over my shoulder every day.  What was the price I was willing to pay for freedom?  That was the one thing I wasn't sure of yet.

"They would know who you are and where to find you," Justin said simply.  Both of us knew the implication of that statement.  That was the sticking point for me.

"It wouldn't matter," I replied quickly.  "With Manticore gone, and the rest of us promising to live out our lives quietly, what would it matter to them?  They could pretend I didn't exist and I could pretend that I really got this thing on my neck in a drunken haze one night."  I wanted that to be true.  I could easily be the way things worked out, but if that was true, then why did the words feel like a lie the minute they came out of my mouth?

Justin must have sensed it too.  There was something in his expression that said he knew I was lying to myself, but he didn't press me on it.  We held each other for the longest time, neither of us daring to move.  I wanted to kiss him until something more happened, but every time I thought about it, the phrase "one last time" went through my mind, and I couldn't.  It wasn't going to be good-bye, dammit!  There was no reason to think like that.  There was every reason to hope that we could all be free from Manticore forever.

Eventually Justin fell asleep, and I got up, and changed quickly into some jeans.  I knew where the Martin's lived.  It was a gated community, but that had never been a problem for me before.  Besides, it would confirm my identity when I jumped over a high fence in front of the senator.  Mr. Carter had rented a car while we were in Boston, and I borrowed that to get over there quickly.  I reminded myself to make sure the hotwiring was put back neatly so nobody would notice.  Unless it didn't matter later, of course, with me being chased by a TAC team or an X-6 or two.  No, stop thinking like that!

All the way over there I imagined what it would be like.  Would he be home?  It was three in the morning.  Should I wake him by knocking on the door?  Maybe I should just peek into windows until I found the right room.  In any case, we would talk, and I would show him my barcode and explain what I heard and who I was and what I wanted.  He would be thrilled to hear that there was someone that wanted what he wanted even more than he did.  Maybe he would see the irony in us using Lydecker's training to take the place down.  He would give me what I needed and then I would call Zack, and we would meet.  Maybe he would grab one or two of the others, and we could have some family fun.

I drove around the area for a bit, getting the lay of the land.  The car was nice enough that nobody really would see it as being out of place.  I ended up parking a couple of miles away and hiking through a back area to get a more secluded part of the fence.  I glanced around.  Nobody was watching, and I hopped over the fence easily.  I was lucky that Senator Martin claimed to be a "man of the people" and therefore didn't want to live in a secluded estate as far away from the city as possible.  Instead he lived in a fortress surrounded by special people only.  I guess he was a man of his people.

Before we left LA, Justin told me about where Senator Martin and company lived.  Actually, we were making jokes about Denise and the fact she lived behind bars.  Justin had been to her mother's in Boston once, and told me how confusing the streets of the community were, and how he had a hard time navigating.  I learned about where the house was and some of the cross-streets.  With the address in mind, I knew where I was going.

It took less time than I hoped.  I wanted to think about it some more, but then there I was, standing in front of the house.  It was rather large, and beautifully designed.  The lawn was a wonder in gardening, and I found myself pondering if they used illegal labor to keep it so lush and inviting.  I was there.  Now what? 

I stood there across the street from the house, leaning on a tree, and considering all of my options.  Yes…no…maybe…what was the question anyways?  I talked myself out of going.  I talked myself right back in.  This was a bad time.  I mean, if I woke the guy up, he would be pissed.  And after the wedding fiasco, he would really be pissed.  I would just wait until later.  Wait until he got up and we could talk about things civilly.  Yeah.  That was the right thing to do.

"See something interesting?" a voice spoke up from my right.  I froze, recognizing the voice immediately, and cursing myself for not paying more attention to my surroundings.  "I only ask because you've been staring at my house for the last fifteen minutes," Senator Martin continued.

I turned to him and literally felt my entire life narrow to this one exact point in time.  Everything crammed together so tightly that all memories seemed to merge into one huge kaleidoscope of shifting events.  Blood.  Snow.  Syl and Krit heading east, away from me.  Being adopted.  Jack being taken away.  Getting gum in my hair at Kayla's sixth birthday party.  Meeting Justin.  Eva being shot.  Dad being shot.  My first kiss.  First time I kissed Justin.  Zack…Max…Mom…Dad…Tinga…Syl…Kayla…Ben…Zane…Justin…

I love all of you.

I love all of you so very much.