Episode 6 - The Amazing Mr. Bamt, by TheOrange

Inside Jetstorm's Quarters

Jetstorm: Haha! Pika pika! That's so cute! Haha!

NickBee: I don't get it.

Jetstorm: Quiet, he's beating up Jesse and James!

NickBee: Right...

Jetstorm: with the TV "It looks like team rocket is blasting off agaaaaaaain!"

NickBee: Are you still wearing that sticker?

Jetstorm: Don't touch that! It's a souvenir!

NickBee: This blows Ricky Martin. I'm going outside to practice my dance steps.

Jetstorm: Have fun.

The TV goes blank.

Jetstorm: Slag!

He pounds on the set.

The Maximal Base

Primal: This is horrible, horrible!

Nightscream: What's up, boss?

Primal: The cable just went out! I was watching "The Matrix," you know, looking for inspiration. Buddha Buddha Buddha!

Nightscream: Why didn't you just interface with the Oracle?

Primal: Because... I believe someone has tampered with the Oracle.

Dum dum DUM!

Nightscream: Where did that come from?

Rattrap transforms and shoots Nightscream in the wing.

Rattrap: Shut up. What was that about the Oracle, boss-monkey?

Primal: Nothing important. Oh, where were we? Ah, yes... We are here today to acknowledge our dear departed friend, Rhinox...

At the Citadel entrance

Nickbee and his BumbleCons are out in front doing a dance number.

NickBee: And 1, 2, 3, kick, sliiide, 6, 7, turn! 1, 2, jump, sliiiide, kick!, 6, 7, turn!

A bumblecon falls out of formation, causing an entire row to collapse.

NickBee: You bumbling idiot! You're messing up my routine! Do you know how long it took me to put this together? Do you!?

NickBee cries mech-fluid.

Megatron: from inside the Citadel NickBee!!

Nickbee: Uh oh, vending-machine-dragon boy sounds mad. Take five everyone. We'll shoot the video tomorrow.

Megatron: NickBee!!

NickBee: Yeah, I'm coming. Why don't you get me a Mellow Yellow, while you're at it...

Megatron: I heard that!

NickBee: Crap.

Back inside

The three surviving Vehicons, Jetstorm, NickBee, and Thrust stand before Megatron.

Megatron: When was the last time you saw Tankorr? That is... before his demise.

The Vehicons think.

flashback

Inside the converted lab/warehouse from A Day in the Life...

Jetstorm: What the slag are you pointing at?

NickBee: This.

NickBee peels a sticker from Jetstorm's head.

Jetstorm: What does it say?

Thrust: Weren't you paying attention last episode?

Jetstorm: You expect me to remember things from fic to fic? This isn't even a multi-parter!

Tankorr: I must go now...

Jetstorm: Hold up. You're pretty cool now. Why don't you come watch Pokémon with us?

Tankorr: I have things to do that are KEY to my plans...

Thrust: Say what?

Tankorr: I am plotting my VECTOR of escape as we speak.

NickBee: Huh?

Tankorr: I cannot reveal all to you! What do I look like, an ORACLE?

Jetstorm: What the hell is he talking about?

Tankorr: I need to go fake my own death and reprogram the diagnostic drone, now. Goodbye!

/flashback

Jetstorm: I can't think of where he might have gone, my liege.

Megatron: I see... yeeessss...

Jetstorm: Your army will shine less... wait, what am I saying?!

Megatron: Fortunately, I have prepared for such a contingency. Yeesssss...

Jetstorm: Let's not forget your last attempt to replace him when he went AWOL.

flashback

Megatron: Arise, Tankorr!

Tankorr: Me am here! Me Grimlock smash--

Megatron: Ah ha ha ha! No no, my friend. Your name is *Tankorr.* Tankorr, remember? Yessss...

Tankorr: Me Tankorr am transformed!

Megatron: No! "Tankorr, PULVERIZE!" Yessss...

Tankorr: Me am confused...

/flashback

Megatron: Yesssss... that didn't quite work, did it? Noooo...

Thrust: And then you sent us after the Maximals.

flashback

Our friendly Maximals are enjoying a mid-evening picnic and telling stories of old atop a structure shaped like Kryten's head.

Rattrap: ...and that's when old chopper-face flicked a little speck of dino-meat off his teeth!

Nightscream: That's disgusting!

Blackarachnia stares up at the night sky.

Diagnostic Drone: high in orbit, next to Unicron's head Gotta... push... head into... position... for... nighttime shot!

Blackarachnia: Weird...

Rattrap: What was that, webs?

Blackarachnia: ... doesn't anyone ever notice how it's always nighttime around here?

Primal: wearing his shades How do you mean?

Blackarachnia: You do realize you look just like... oh, never mind...

Cheetor: Optimus, get back into beast mode! You'll endanger the mission!

Primal: Yeah yeah, whatever.

Cheetor: Optimus, you obviously aren't feeling well. You're going to get us all killed. I think it's time I took over.

Primal: Sure, knock yourself out, kid.

Blackarachnia: Perhaps you should listen to Cheetor, Optimus, we don't want to attract any--

Cheetor: Vehicons!

The three Vehicon leaders enter the scene in a completely unnecessary anime-esque clip.

Nightscream: Here we go again. We get to fight the Vehicons and escape without a scratch on us.

Rattrap: Speak for yourself, wings. Rattrap MAXIMIZE!

Nightscream: Ulp. Not again...

Cheetor jumps onto one of the Vehicons

Cheetor: I got Tankorr!

Blackarachnia: No, he's mine!

Rattrap: Shouldn't you be off waxing Thrust's rigid grill structure?

Primal covers Rattrap's mouth.

Primal: Rattrap, please! Not in front of the boy!

Nightscream: Hey, who are you calling a boy?!

Rattrap shoots him in the kneecap.

Nightscream: Ow!

Rattrap: Heh heh heh.

Cheetor: Hey guys, check me out!

Tankorr to careens wildly all over the top of the building, with Cheetor holding on fast.

Cheetor: What do you say I send him over the edge?

Primal: Cheetor, no! This is Tankorr's replacement! We can't make him look bad on his first mission!

Cheetor: whining But, Optimuuus! You said I could be in charge until you got your strength back!

Primal: Really Cheetor, I'm feeling fine.

Cheetor: BUT I WANNA PUSH TANKORR OVER THE EDGE!

Rattrap: Shut up, Hot Rod.

Cheetor: I AM NOT HOT ROD!

Tankorr: Tankorr SMASH cat-bot!

Tankorr's gun careens wildly, knocking Cheetor off the building.

Nightscream goes to save Cheetor, and Rattrap shoots him in the wing.

Nightscream: Ow! What'd you do that for? I was trying to save Cheetor!

Rattrap: Eh... oops?

Primal: Forget about that, the Vehicons have priority!

Optimus smashes Thrust and Jetstorm together and throws them at Tankorr.

Thrust: Were are my legs? Why can't I feel my legs?!

Nightscream: You don't have any legs, just a stupid a wheel, duh.

Thrust: dazed Richie?

Rattrap shoots Nightscream in the face.

Nightscream: No! My beautiful nose!

Primal: I can't deal with that now!

/flashback

Megatron: Yessss... I mean NO! That is all over with. I have created a new general, even more powerful than Tankorr! Yessss...

NickBee: You said "Yessss" twice in the same sentence.

Megatron: Silence! Yesssss... Vehicons. Meet your new comrade... Mr. Bamt!

A mole tank rolls out onto the floor.

Vehicons: Huh?!

NickBee: Cool beans! Mr. Limpet!

Megatron: No, you organic cretin! Mr. Bamt!

NickBee: That's what I said.

Megatron: Yes, ah, Mr. Bamt? Transform and show them what you've got! Yessss...

Mr. Bamt pops, whizzes, and whirrs, and finally transforms.

Thrust: Dear Primus!

NickBee: It's hideous!

Jetstorm: It's even uglier than Bulbasaur's naughty bits!

All: ...

Jetstorm: What?

Mr. Bamt: apologize......apologize to me right now.......to my face!

NickBee: Sure thing kid... uh... where is it?

Mr. Bamt: look at you........you are all acting like little eight-year olds!

Megatron: Vehicons! I order you to take Mr. Bamt to complete his first task: destroy the Maximals once and for all!

Thrust: You always say that.

Megatron: Perhaps, but this is a new episode. Circumstances are bound to fall in our favor. Yessss...

Mr. Bamt: I won't behave......YOU behave!

Megatron: Er, yeessss. Mr. Bamt will control Tankorr's drones. Now, be gone! And don't come back if you fail! I really really mean it this time! Yessss...

Somewhere on the surface

Cheetor: Man, how do they find us?

Blackarachnia: It's not hard, considering you strut around in robot mode all day.

Cheetor: Well duh. Do you know how hard is it to eat pie with cat feet?

Rattrap: Man oh man, we're surrounded, there's no way out!

Cheetor: I say we make a run for it!

Nightscream: Where to? There are dozens of drones in the sky, and three times as many on the ground.

Rattrap: Rattrap, Maximize!

Rattrap shoots Nightscream.

Rattrap: Shut up.

Primal: We don't have time for that! Maximals, transform!

The Maximals transform, except for Rattrap, who again has avoided a continuity error.

Nightscream: If that's what you want to call it.

Rattrap shoots Nightscream in the wing.

Primal: Where is Blackarachnia?

Rattrap: Eh, she's still not back from recovering Silverbolt.

Nightscream: If that's what you want to call it.

Rattrap shoots Nightscream in the wing.

Nightscream: Ow!

Rattrap: You just aren't going to learn, are you kid?

Nearby

Jetstorm: Mr. Bamt! What are you doing? Attack with your drones!

Mr. Bamt: no......

Thrust: What? We need you to close in on the Maximals!

Mr. Bamt: apologize..........apologize for everything that you ever said to me..............and i'll slag the maximals.

NickBee: I'm sorry! I was Mr. Happy Meal!

Jetstorm: Say what?

NickBee: I didn't say that, honest! He made me do it!

Mr. Bamt: did not........listen kiddie.......why don't you go to a planet that wants you........this planet needs to be saved............and i'm saving it!

Jetstorm: GASP! he sounds just like Tank--

All: ...

Jetstorm: I mean Megatron. Yeah... that's the ticket.

Mr. Bamt: apologize........and i will forget everything you ever did to me........

Jetstorm: Oh get real, we don't owe you any apology! You've been acting childish ever since you came online!

Mr. Bamt: i give up on you...............i'm leaving for a better place.

Mr. Bamt engages his thrusters and disappears into the night sky.

Primal: Maximals, attack!

Vehicons: Uh oh.

Back at Megatron's place of perpetually dead people

Megatron: You guys suck! I should dismantle the lot of you. Yessss...

Jetstorm: It's not our fault, sir. Uh, sir... why are you wearing a blonde wig?

Megatron: Hmm? Oh, my drone told me it was in fashion this time of the year. Yessss...

Diagnostic Drone: Fool, I will crush you and Primal with my bare hands!

Tankorr: into drone's communication link No! Don't say that!

Drone: I mean, "cool, that Pikachu is playing with Misty's cans."

Jetstorm: Really? Where?

Tankorr: Idiot.

Megatron: Where did Mr. Bamt go? Yesssss...

High in orbit

Mr. Bamt: apologize........right now!

Unicron: ...

Mr. Bamt: you are immature........argh!!!


Please feel free to go on to Episode 7 - Premature Speculation