Disclaimer: I do not own anyone/anything in this story. Except the sarcasm,
that's all mine. No money is being made from this.
A couple of weeks ago, in a galaxy too close for comfort.
The Death of Mara Jade:
The Universe Rejoices
Chapter 1
Mara Hears a Voice
It was just after midnight.
Voice: Mara.Mara.
The voice was soft, insistent, written in italics.
Voice: Mara.
Sleeping in the Imperial Palace bedroom she sometimes shared with her husband, the lovely Mara Jade snored loudly and rolled over, leaving a puddle of drool on her pillow.
Voice: Hey Mara, you stupid bimbo, wake up!
Mara: (snapping awake) How dare you call me a bimbo, you disembodied voice, you!
Voice: Well, you answered to it.
Mara: I'll have you know that I am a Jedi Grand Master-- a goddesslike, undefeatable warrior! I am a gorgeous, spunky, sharp-shooting, perfect-in- every-way diEUty. And furthermore, I'm pregnant with Skywalker's son, who will be the most powerful being who ever held a lightsaber!
Voice: If you're that great, why don't you go and kill all the Buysome Bong that are trying to invade?
Mara: Uh, because I have morning sickness! Look, who the f*** do you think you are?!
A blue aura appears. At its center is.
Leia: Someone who hates you. (hastily) I mean LOVES you, yeah, loves you, that's right!
Mara: Leia? You're DEAD?
Leia: No, you imbecile, I'm--
Mara: (not listening) Thank the Force, she's dead! Yahoo! Ding-dong, the witch is dead, which old witch, the Leia-witch--
Leia: I'M NOT DEAD, YOU TWO-CREDIT HO!
Mara: Oh.
Leia: I'm in a darkandkewl coma!
Mara: A darkandkewl coma? Isn't that like a stupidplottwist coma?
Leia: Look, it doesn't matter. Just contact Luke and tell him to come to the planet What. It's the third planet in the Where sector.
Mara: What?
Leia: Yes, in the Where sector.
Mara: Huh?
Leia: No, that's the fifth planet in the Where sector.
Mara: Wait, it's where?
Leia: No, Wait is in the Why sector. Tell Luke What and Where.
Mara: But I don't know!
Leia: That's the eighth moon of the planet Who in the When sector! Are you even listening to me?
Mara: Oh, just tell Luke yourself, you lazy b****.
Leia: I wish I could, but for some reason, I can't contact him! Please help me, Mara, you're my only hope!
Mara: Then I guess you're SOL.
Leia: Oh, I guess I shouldn't have bothered you in the first place. After all, coming to rescue me would be dangerous and far beyond even your power.
Mara: Huh? ExcEUse me? I KNOW I didn't just hear you say I'm not the baddest soon-to-be mother in the galaxy!
Leia: Well, I WOULD prefer it if Luke came after me. I mean, in the OT, he WAS supposed to be the New Hope.
The space crickets stop chirping. All is still.
Mara: In the what?
Leia: Never mind.
The space crickets resume chirping.
Mara: Hah, I'm stronger than that whipped loser-- I mean, my adoring husband-- could ever be! And to prove it to you, I'm gonna come and rescue you!
She tries to leap out of the bed, intent on posing in the moonlight steaming from the window to show her imaginary audience how perfect she is. But her feet get tangled in the blanket and she falls to the floor with an ungraceful thump.
Mara: Hey, that wasn't supposed to happen!
Leia's spirit snickers.
Mara: Watch it, b****.
Leia: Okay, sorry. Jeez.
Mara: Now, where am I supposed to go?
Leia: Yes.
Mara: WHERE?
Leia: Yes, Where. Then go to What.
Mara: Look, just tell me what and where!
Leia: I just did!
Suddenly, a man in black appears at Mara's window.
Man in Black: Stop! I can't take it anymore! This has gone on long enough!
Mara and Leia: Who are you?
Man in Black: I'm the guy who wrote that "Who's On First" sketch you two just slaughtered.
The space crickets stop chirping.
Mara and Leia: What?
Man in Black: Never mind.
The space crickets resume chirping.
Man in Black: Look, Mara, here is a datapad or whatever you're calling them this week with the coordinates for the planet that Leia is on. Now, just take it and leave!
Mara: Fine. Thanks for your help.
Man in Black: Oh, and by the way, Luke is off on Yavin 4, which is why he's not here on Coruscant with Mara.
Mara: Um, we already knew that.
Man in Black: (mysteriously) Did you?
The man in black suddenly disappeared into a convenient EU plot hole. And no, you won't be seeing him again.
Leia: Now hurry up and get going! And be sure to leave a message for Luke!
Mara: Oh, please, I can handle this. He can just play with his little PraxEUm until I get back.
As Mara rushes out of the room, Leia slowly fades away. For some reason, she is wearing a huge grin and laughing.
Leia: This is going to be a long night, my dear sister-in-law.
[A/N] Please R/R! Flames NOT welcome. Next chapter up on Dec. 31st. Thanks!
A couple of weeks ago, in a galaxy too close for comfort.
The Death of Mara Jade:
The Universe Rejoices
Chapter 1
Mara Hears a Voice
It was just after midnight.
Voice: Mara.Mara.
The voice was soft, insistent, written in italics.
Voice: Mara.
Sleeping in the Imperial Palace bedroom she sometimes shared with her husband, the lovely Mara Jade snored loudly and rolled over, leaving a puddle of drool on her pillow.
Voice: Hey Mara, you stupid bimbo, wake up!
Mara: (snapping awake) How dare you call me a bimbo, you disembodied voice, you!
Voice: Well, you answered to it.
Mara: I'll have you know that I am a Jedi Grand Master-- a goddesslike, undefeatable warrior! I am a gorgeous, spunky, sharp-shooting, perfect-in- every-way diEUty. And furthermore, I'm pregnant with Skywalker's son, who will be the most powerful being who ever held a lightsaber!
Voice: If you're that great, why don't you go and kill all the Buysome Bong that are trying to invade?
Mara: Uh, because I have morning sickness! Look, who the f*** do you think you are?!
A blue aura appears. At its center is.
Leia: Someone who hates you. (hastily) I mean LOVES you, yeah, loves you, that's right!
Mara: Leia? You're DEAD?
Leia: No, you imbecile, I'm--
Mara: (not listening) Thank the Force, she's dead! Yahoo! Ding-dong, the witch is dead, which old witch, the Leia-witch--
Leia: I'M NOT DEAD, YOU TWO-CREDIT HO!
Mara: Oh.
Leia: I'm in a darkandkewl coma!
Mara: A darkandkewl coma? Isn't that like a stupidplottwist coma?
Leia: Look, it doesn't matter. Just contact Luke and tell him to come to the planet What. It's the third planet in the Where sector.
Mara: What?
Leia: Yes, in the Where sector.
Mara: Huh?
Leia: No, that's the fifth planet in the Where sector.
Mara: Wait, it's where?
Leia: No, Wait is in the Why sector. Tell Luke What and Where.
Mara: But I don't know!
Leia: That's the eighth moon of the planet Who in the When sector! Are you even listening to me?
Mara: Oh, just tell Luke yourself, you lazy b****.
Leia: I wish I could, but for some reason, I can't contact him! Please help me, Mara, you're my only hope!
Mara: Then I guess you're SOL.
Leia: Oh, I guess I shouldn't have bothered you in the first place. After all, coming to rescue me would be dangerous and far beyond even your power.
Mara: Huh? ExcEUse me? I KNOW I didn't just hear you say I'm not the baddest soon-to-be mother in the galaxy!
Leia: Well, I WOULD prefer it if Luke came after me. I mean, in the OT, he WAS supposed to be the New Hope.
The space crickets stop chirping. All is still.
Mara: In the what?
Leia: Never mind.
The space crickets resume chirping.
Mara: Hah, I'm stronger than that whipped loser-- I mean, my adoring husband-- could ever be! And to prove it to you, I'm gonna come and rescue you!
She tries to leap out of the bed, intent on posing in the moonlight steaming from the window to show her imaginary audience how perfect she is. But her feet get tangled in the blanket and she falls to the floor with an ungraceful thump.
Mara: Hey, that wasn't supposed to happen!
Leia's spirit snickers.
Mara: Watch it, b****.
Leia: Okay, sorry. Jeez.
Mara: Now, where am I supposed to go?
Leia: Yes.
Mara: WHERE?
Leia: Yes, Where. Then go to What.
Mara: Look, just tell me what and where!
Leia: I just did!
Suddenly, a man in black appears at Mara's window.
Man in Black: Stop! I can't take it anymore! This has gone on long enough!
Mara and Leia: Who are you?
Man in Black: I'm the guy who wrote that "Who's On First" sketch you two just slaughtered.
The space crickets stop chirping.
Mara and Leia: What?
Man in Black: Never mind.
The space crickets resume chirping.
Man in Black: Look, Mara, here is a datapad or whatever you're calling them this week with the coordinates for the planet that Leia is on. Now, just take it and leave!
Mara: Fine. Thanks for your help.
Man in Black: Oh, and by the way, Luke is off on Yavin 4, which is why he's not here on Coruscant with Mara.
Mara: Um, we already knew that.
Man in Black: (mysteriously) Did you?
The man in black suddenly disappeared into a convenient EU plot hole. And no, you won't be seeing him again.
Leia: Now hurry up and get going! And be sure to leave a message for Luke!
Mara: Oh, please, I can handle this. He can just play with his little PraxEUm until I get back.
As Mara rushes out of the room, Leia slowly fades away. For some reason, she is wearing a huge grin and laughing.
Leia: This is going to be a long night, my dear sister-in-law.
[A/N] Please R/R! Flames NOT welcome. Next chapter up on Dec. 31st. Thanks!
