Disclaimer: See pg. 1

[A/N]Okay, I lied, here's the next chapter. To my one reviewer (so far)-- don't worry, this is a five-chapter series. Thanks for not flaming. I hope everyone else is as nice.

Chapter 2

Mara Takes a Hike

Shortly after Chapter 1, Mara Jade boarded her Really-fast-souped-up-means- more-to-her-than-life-itself-really-cool-ultra-powerful-all-that-and-a-bag- of-chips-with-a-really-cool-name-including-the-word-Jade-somewhere ZX401KO'''''IJJKHGGJGJ*&^ starcruiser. She is flying along, thinking she's da bomb, when a shadowy figure approaches from behind her captains' chair. It starts to fold its hands around her neck and squeeze.

Mara: Eeek! Uh, I mean, how dare you actually attack Mara Jade?! Who do you think you are?!

Shadowy figure: I am C-3P0, a protocol droid. I am fluent in over seven.um, six. no, eight and a half million.oh drat, I can't remember!

Mara: Threepio, what are you doing here?

Threepio: Well, Mistress Mara, I was--

Mara: ExcEUse me? What did you call me?

Threepio: (under his mechanical breath) There IS no excEUse for you. (Out loud) I meant, Grand Jedi Master, goddesslike creature, most beautiful diEUty in the EUniverse Mara, I was taking a nap on your ship when it suddenly took off.

Mara: D***, guess I'm stuck with you. Oh, wait, no I'm not.

Mara reaches to the back of Threepio's neck and turns him off.

Mara: Much better.

Suddenly, (Musical Sting), Threepio reactivates.

Mara: Hey! I thought that I turned you off.

Threepio: You do.

Mara: That's it! You're screwed, you gay droid, you!

Mara whips out her lightsaber and attacks C-3PO, knocking him to the floor. She manages to slice off half his head. One optical nerve glows yellow. Then, with a (Musical Sting), he stands up again. The optical nerve goes from yellow to red. The hideous-looking thing looks at Mara and grins terrifyingly.

Threepio: (in a strange, accented voice) I told you I'd be back.

Mara: Um, huh?

Threepio: Und now. it is time for you to die.

He charges at Mara, who forgets that she is a Grand Jedi Master, goddesslike creature, and the most beautiful diEUty in the EUniverse. She drops her lightsaber, screams, and runs like a girly-girl to an escape pod.

Threepio: Come out, ittle girly-girl. I am here to pump (claps hands) you up!

The escape pod, named the JamesCameron, launches. Mara is running around inside, screaming as loud as she can. She did not notice the second escape pod launch from her Really-fast-souped-up-means-more-to-her-than-life- itself-really-cool-ultra-powerful-all-that-and-a-bag-of-chips-with-a-really- cool-name-including-the-word-Jade-somewhere ZX401KO'''''IJJKHGGJGJ*&^ starcruiser.

Inside the second pod: Threepio: Yes, run away as fast as you can. But I'll catch you.. I'm ze gingerbread man! (Maniacal Mechanical Laughter).

Meanwhile, Mara has landed in a forest on a nearby moon. As she exits her pod, she notices a trio of alien teenagers having a debate.

Girl: NO, I said. oh, f*** you.

Boy #1: No, f*** you!

Boy #2: No, f*** both of you!

Girl: Screw you guys, I'm going home!

Boy #1: But we're lost in the f******* woods, you f******* idiot!

Girl: Don't f****** tell me I'm a f******* idiot you ****************************.

Boy #2: ***********************************

Girl: **********************************

Boy #1: ********************************

Mara walks over.

Girl, Boy 1 & 2: AAHHHHHH!!!! It's the Scare B****!

Mara: Oh, shut the f*** up, all of you.

After a few minutes of asterisks, they all finally settle down.

Mara: Where am I?

Girl: Huh.

Mara: Huh, what?

The mysterious Man in Black appeared.

Man in Black: No, you're on the fifth planet in the Where sector. This planet is called Huh. Okay? Okay.

The Man in Black disappeared into a nearby plot hole. You won't be seeing him again.

Girl: I'm Joanne, and this is John and Anthony. We're trying to make a documentary about the Scare B****, but we got lost in the woods. Now we just wander around in circles and curse each other uselessly. At night we are attacked by mysterious creatures that we hear but never really see. Probably, very soon, we will start disappearing one by one.

Mara: Yeah, whatever.

Anthony: Aren't you afraid of the Scare B****?

Joanne: Why should she be? They're probably sisters.

Mara: How DARE you?! Who do you think you are?!

John: Well, who do you think YOU are?

Mara: (sniffing) I'll have you know that I am a Grand Jedi Master, goddesslike creature, and the most beautiful diEUty in the EUniverse!

Anthony: If you're a Jedi, where's your lightsaber?

Joanne: And why aren't you wearing your Jedi robes?

John: And why don't you just use your goddesslike Jedi powers to get out of this forest?

Mara: Because, um, I have morning sickness.

Joanne: It's four o'clock in the aftern--

Mara: I don't have to explain my perfect self to you! Now, let's get going! It'll be dark soon.

The teens and Mara trek through the forest. Mara whines about all the mosquitoes. When it gets too dark to see, they make camp. Just as they fall asleep (musical sting) a shadowy figure approaches the tent.

Joanne: (waking with a start) What in the worlds is THAT?! Oh, it's horrible! Horrible!

Anthony: What, what?

Joanne: Mara wet the bed!

John, Joanne, and Anthony: EUUUU!!!

John: Let's go sleep outside!

Anthony: With the shadowy creature lurking around out there? Okay, sounds like a plan.

The three teens walk outside. A voice is heard..

Voice: Come vith me if you vant to. DIE!!! HAHAHA!!

Screams are heard fading into the night. Mara, asleep in a pool of urine, doesn't hear a thing.

Upon waking the next morning, Mara discovers the kids are gone.

Mara: Oh, well.

Mara treks through the forest all day long. At nightfall, she somehow stumbles upon an old abandoned hanger.

Mara: Hmm, maybe there's a craft in there I can use to get off this awful place. Everything around here smells like pee.

As Mara approaches the hanger, watching from a distance are the three teenagers and Threepio. The teens pull off their masks to reveal Jaina, Jacen, and Anakin Solo. (Yes, the Solo-babies are actually good for something in this story). Threepio is standing off to one side. They all grin and laugh.

Jaina: This is going to be a long night, my dear Aunt Mara.