Disclaimer: See pg. 1

[A/N] I decided to just post everything at once so I can work on my other fics. Merry Christmas! It's the only present you're getting! -wink-



Chapter 3

Mara Transformed



Mara cautiously enters the hanger. Her tall, lithe body slips along like a shadow. She enters a hanger bay, banging her red-tressed head soundly on a low doorway.

Mara: OW! D*** doorway! That wasn't supposed to happen.

She starts crying like a girly-girl.

Mysterious Voice: So, you have come to me at last.

Mara: (sniffling) No, I didn't. I'm looking for a ship so I can get off this horrible planet!

Mysterious Voice: (surprised) You mean you didn't hear me calling you through the Force?

Mara: (still crying) Well, I'm using the Force version 3.0. You might not have used a compatible type of the Force.

Mysterious Voice: The Force version 3.0? What the hell is that?

Mara: Oh, go read the Exploited Universe thread by Darth Holliday on theforce.net's message board.

Mysterious Voice: Mara, you really aren't a Jedi, are you? In fact, you're not even Force sensitive, are you?

Mara: (recovering her senses) Yes, I am! In fact, I am--

Mysterious Voice: Yeah, yeah, Grand Jedi Master, goddesslike creature, most beautiful diEUty in the EUniverse, we've all heard it by now. But what matters is not who YOU are, Mara, but who I am.

Mara: Who the f*** do you think you are, you mysterious voice, you!

Mysterious Voice: Look over to your right, Mara. No, that's your left. I said your right. No, not behind you! (exasperated) Oh, just stand still.

The massive darkandkewl throne five feet to Mara's right, which for some reason is on a swivel-base, swivels around to reveal. . .

Mara: Luke!

Mysterious Voice: No, it is not Luke. It is I, LLLUUUKKKEEE!

Mara: Did I miss something?

Llluuukkkeee: You always do. Remember that clone of Luke Skywalker you killed in.umm.whatever the hell that book was?

Mara: Yeah.

Luuuke: Well, I'm a clone of that clone. My name is. . . . Llluuukkkeee! But my clone friends call me Luke^3.

Mara: And I should care because. . .

Luke^3: (smiling evilly) Because I'm an eeeevil clone! Because I'm going to kill you, my pretty. (cackles) And your little dog, too!

Mara: I don't have a dog.

Luke^3: Oh. Well, then I'll go buy a dog. . . give him to you. . . wait for you to become emotionally attached to him. . . and THEN I'll kill him! HAHAHA!

Mara: (horrified) You fiend! Um. . . Shouldn't that be Mwahahahaha?

Luke^3: Hey, when you make a clone of a clone, the end product is really screwed up. Blame it on George Bush.

Space crickets stop chirping.

Mara: Um. . . who?

Luke^3: Never mind.

Space crickets resume chirping.



Luke^3: Anyway, my creator has trained me from an early age to kill you.

Mara: Who WAS your creator? Thrawn? The Emperor? Joruus C'bao--

Luke^3: (in a rage) DON'T SAY THAT NAME!! I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE!!

Luke ^3 goes into a fury, smashing stuff, looking very much like General Thade from Planet of the Apes.

Mara: (backing away) Okay, I'll just be taking a ship and leaving now. . .

Luke^3: NO. No, you won't, Mara. Your pitiful existence ends here, at my hands.

He ignites a green lightsaber, and then ignites a blue one and tosses it to Mara. She doesn't catch it, and it cuts a hole through the floor and disappears.

Luke^3: Aww, d*** , that was the only spare I had. Jeez, you suck! The Force must have just up and abandoned you. Guess I'll have to kill you without a good fight first.

Mara: Yeah? Well, I'm full of surprises!

She whips a manicure kit out of her purse and begins doing her nails.

Luke^3: Um. . .what are you doing? I'm about to strike thee down with all mine vengeance, with levels of violence bordering on medieval.

Mara: Yeah, yeah, chum, hang on.

She puts on a final top coat.

Mara: Ah-ha! En guard!

Ten tiny lightsabers sprout from her fingers, all glowing hot pink.

Luke^3: (he gasps) Oh, no! You have the "Transform Your Nails Into Mini- Lightsabers" travel kit-- only by Bad Idea, Inc., of course.

Mara: That's right! From the people who brought you The Force for Dummies and the Home Cremation Kit for Jedi not in Tune with the Unifying Force (patent pending)--it's the "Transform Your Nails Into Mini-Lightsabers" travel kit. Now available for 39.95- a small price to pay for whupping your a**!

She launches herself at Luke^3, but because she is an incredible klutz, she misses by a mile and runs straight into a wall. Luke^3 comes after her with his lightsaber, but because he is a clone of a clone, he trips on his shoelaces and cuts off his own left leg.

Luke^3: OOOWWW! That's gonna leave a mark.

Mara gets up to attack him, but before she can.

Luke^3: Help me, Spot!

Mara: Spot?

A spotted llama ambles over. It starts chewing on Luke^3's fake Jedi robe.

Luke^3: No, Spot, her! Get HER!

Mara: What IS that?

Luke^3: It's a llama. It pushes back the Force.

Mara: You idiot, that's yslama. . . salami. . . yslumm. . .um. . . it's not a llama that does that!

Luke^3: Uh. . . it's not? Well. . . it has other powers!

Mara turns off her Nail-Sabers and walks over to the llama, who has eaten Luke^3' s robe. Now all he is wearing is a pair of boxers that have a picture of a fish on them and black lettering reading, "Nice Bass."

Mara: What, does it kill by being cute? Hey Spot, nice Spot. . .

She begins to pet the llama. As she does, a sudden change comes over her. . .

Mara: Hey, I feel. . . wEUird. . .

She pulls a mirror from her purse and looks at herself. She is no longer a beautiful, thin, goddesslike diEUty. Her nose is stretched a foot from her face. Her flaming red hair is gone. Her formerly tan skin is a mottled brownish-green color. The hand holding the mirror suddenly develops webbing between the fingers.

Mara: Oh no, not that! Anything but that!

Luke^3: (nearly dead from loss of blood) Oh, yes. The powers of the llama are indeed strange and wonderful. (He dies.) (He raises his head again.) And they're permanent.(He dies again.)(Then he raises his head again.) Mwahahaha! So there, b****! (He dies for the last time.)

Mara: No! Oh, no, dis is bad! Dis is berry, berry bombad! Oh, poodoo!

The lovely Grand Jedi Master, goddesslike creature, most beautiful diEUty in the EUniverse Mara Jade has been turned into. . . A GUNGAN!

(Musical Sting)

The next morning, bemoaning her bombad condition, Mara somehow manages to get into a ship and fly away from planet Huh. As her ship burns through the atmosphere into space, the llama looks up at the sky and grins. It starts laughing. The llama costume drops away to reveal Han Solo in the front and Lando Calrissian in the back.

Han: That magic potion the witch from Darthomir gave us really did the trick!

Lando: Yeah, no kidding, you old llama you!

Han: (snickering) This is going to be a long night, my dear Mara.

Lando: But it's ten in the morning.

Han: Well, how else are we going to end the chapter?

The space crickets stop chirping.

Lando: Chapter?

Han: Never mind.

The space crickets resume chirping.

Han: (snickering again) Yes, a VERY long night.