Disclaimer: See pg. 1
[A/N] Beware-- there is serious bashing of EU fanboys in this chapter. Do NOT read any further if that offends you.[/]
Chapter 4
Mara Dances Dirty
A.K.A. Attack of the EUS
When we last saw the Gungan formerly known as Mara Jade, she was in a starship of some type (does anybody really care about the d*** ship??), flying really fast towards the planet What in the Where sector. We pick up our story. . . .
Mara: When meesa find dat skank Leia, meesa gonna kill dat b**** for getting meesa inta dis poodo!
As she flies past a giant space billboard advertising Sithlemania, a space cop on a space speeder clocks her going way over the space speed limit. He stops eating his space donuts and drinking his space coffee and takes off after her, his space lights flashing and his specially modified-for-space sirens blaring. Mara pulls over to the side of the, um, space, and the space cop lands his speeder inside her ship.
Mara: Maybe meesa can use meesa's femynin charmins. . .
As the space cop walks over, Mara begins taking off her dress, displaying her Gungan ?censored?.
Mara: (seductively) Can meesa. . . HELP yousa, offisah?
Space Cop: You sure can, little lady. (Drawing blaster and sinking to one knee) Put the dress ON! NOW!
Mara: (pulling the dress even lower) Whasa wrong, meesta?
Space Cop: Oh, why did this have to happen on my birthday!
Mara: Yousa birfday? (singing in an off-off-key voice while shaking all eight of her Gungan ?censored?) Happy birfday, meesta space cop...
Space Cop: (thinking)I heard this was exactly what happened to Anakin Skywalker before he went to the dark side. . . (Out loud) Put it on or I'll shoot!
Mara: Shoot meesa? Who the poodo do yousa think yousa be?
Space Cop: (thinking) Steady now, don't let it get to you. (out loud) Meesa be-- I mean, I'm the one holding the blaster!
Mara: Yousa never met meesa, meesa tink. Meesa be Grand Jedi Master, goddesslike creature, most beautiful diEUty in the EUniverse!
A few hours after the space cop dropped dead from laughter, Mara was back on her way (with her Gungan ?censored? covered up, thank God). Somehow, by some miracle, she reaches the planet What and lands safely. As she disembarks from her ship, the two people who had been controlling the space cop, who was a really lifelike droid, watch her from a distance. They smile and laugh softly.
Talon Karrde: What did I ever see in that slut?
Chewbacca: Roooaarr! (D***** if I know. At least she'll die in the next chapter.)
The space crickets stop chirping.
Talon Karrde: Chapter?
Chewbacca: Grooowl. (Never mind.)
The space crickets resume chirping.
Talon Karrde: This is going to be a long --
Author: Excuse me! I'm typing here!
EU supporter #1: NOOO!! YOU CAN'T!!
Author: Umm. . . who are you?
EU supporter #2: Icefire Queen, you can't kill the goddess. . .I mean, Mara Jade! And furthermore, whoever heard of anyone in Star Wars actually ending up where they were going?
Author: How did you get into my house? And why are you wearing bathrobes? God, no, don't take them off!
EU supporter #3: (imitating Jedi mind trick) It does not matter. You will not kill the goddess. . . I mean, Mara Jade. You will make her the hero of your story. . .
Author: Dude, what have you been drinking?
EU supporter #2: Colaa. Here, have some Colaa. Become one of us.
EU supporters: (hypnotically) One of us. . .
Author: Oh, I get it. You're mad because I'm showing that your beloved Mara is really as beautiful as a Gungan, as intelligent as a mynock, and has the Force capabilities of a Rancor.
EU supporter #3: Slander!
EU supporter #1: Heresy!
EU supporter #2: Hershey!
Author: Hershey?
EU supporter #2: Yeah, can I have that Hershey bar?
Author: It's two months old. . . (he eats it) . . . umm, sure. . look, I've got to hurry up and finish this story.
EU supporter #3: NO! You will not assassinate our beloved Mara! MURDERER!
EU supporter #1: TRAITOR!
EU supporter #2: I think that was used gum in a Hershey wrapper. . .
Author: You DO realize that there was never a REAL character named Mara Jade, right? I mean, that was just a character that Zahn--
EU supporters: (bowing their heads) The Master!
Author: --yeah, right, uh, just a character that he made up to interest adolescent fanboys such as yourselves?
EU supporter #1: Enough of this!
EU supporter #3: The time has come for you to meet your doom!
EU supporter #2: Allow us to introduce you to. . . our Invincible Rays of Death!
Author: Aren't those the plastic lightsabers that glow in the dark? My kid cousin has one like that.
EU supporter #1: The end for you this is, Queen!
Author: Um. . . could you please stop hitting me? Not that it hurts or anything, but I have to. . . err. . . go and write a scene about Mara doing a striptease for a space cop.
EU supporters: Ohhhh. . . full-frontal nudity. . . *drool
EU supporter #3: Maybe you're not so bad after all, Icefire.
EU supporter #1: Be sure to call the cop a fancy name!
Author: Sure, guys. Whatever you say. Hey, speaking of names, did you know the title of Episode II is out? It's Attack of the Clones.
EU supporters: (they explode)
Author: Good thing I remembered what sort of effect the title has on members of the EUS. Anyway, maybe I'll add this into my story to explain the reason why I made everyone suffer through the horror of a Gungan-Mara striptease.
D***, now I have to clean up this EUS mess. And with my luck, George Bush will clone them.
It's going to be a long night- for me as well as for our dear Mara.
[A/N] Beware-- there is serious bashing of EU fanboys in this chapter. Do NOT read any further if that offends you.[/]
Chapter 4
Mara Dances Dirty
A.K.A. Attack of the EUS
When we last saw the Gungan formerly known as Mara Jade, she was in a starship of some type (does anybody really care about the d*** ship??), flying really fast towards the planet What in the Where sector. We pick up our story. . . .
Mara: When meesa find dat skank Leia, meesa gonna kill dat b**** for getting meesa inta dis poodo!
As she flies past a giant space billboard advertising Sithlemania, a space cop on a space speeder clocks her going way over the space speed limit. He stops eating his space donuts and drinking his space coffee and takes off after her, his space lights flashing and his specially modified-for-space sirens blaring. Mara pulls over to the side of the, um, space, and the space cop lands his speeder inside her ship.
Mara: Maybe meesa can use meesa's femynin charmins. . .
As the space cop walks over, Mara begins taking off her dress, displaying her Gungan ?censored?.
Mara: (seductively) Can meesa. . . HELP yousa, offisah?
Space Cop: You sure can, little lady. (Drawing blaster and sinking to one knee) Put the dress ON! NOW!
Mara: (pulling the dress even lower) Whasa wrong, meesta?
Space Cop: Oh, why did this have to happen on my birthday!
Mara: Yousa birfday? (singing in an off-off-key voice while shaking all eight of her Gungan ?censored?) Happy birfday, meesta space cop...
Space Cop: (thinking)I heard this was exactly what happened to Anakin Skywalker before he went to the dark side. . . (Out loud) Put it on or I'll shoot!
Mara: Shoot meesa? Who the poodo do yousa think yousa be?
Space Cop: (thinking) Steady now, don't let it get to you. (out loud) Meesa be-- I mean, I'm the one holding the blaster!
Mara: Yousa never met meesa, meesa tink. Meesa be Grand Jedi Master, goddesslike creature, most beautiful diEUty in the EUniverse!
A few hours after the space cop dropped dead from laughter, Mara was back on her way (with her Gungan ?censored? covered up, thank God). Somehow, by some miracle, she reaches the planet What and lands safely. As she disembarks from her ship, the two people who had been controlling the space cop, who was a really lifelike droid, watch her from a distance. They smile and laugh softly.
Talon Karrde: What did I ever see in that slut?
Chewbacca: Roooaarr! (D***** if I know. At least she'll die in the next chapter.)
The space crickets stop chirping.
Talon Karrde: Chapter?
Chewbacca: Grooowl. (Never mind.)
The space crickets resume chirping.
Talon Karrde: This is going to be a long --
Author: Excuse me! I'm typing here!
EU supporter #1: NOOO!! YOU CAN'T!!
Author: Umm. . . who are you?
EU supporter #2: Icefire Queen, you can't kill the goddess. . .I mean, Mara Jade! And furthermore, whoever heard of anyone in Star Wars actually ending up where they were going?
Author: How did you get into my house? And why are you wearing bathrobes? God, no, don't take them off!
EU supporter #3: (imitating Jedi mind trick) It does not matter. You will not kill the goddess. . . I mean, Mara Jade. You will make her the hero of your story. . .
Author: Dude, what have you been drinking?
EU supporter #2: Colaa. Here, have some Colaa. Become one of us.
EU supporters: (hypnotically) One of us. . .
Author: Oh, I get it. You're mad because I'm showing that your beloved Mara is really as beautiful as a Gungan, as intelligent as a mynock, and has the Force capabilities of a Rancor.
EU supporter #3: Slander!
EU supporter #1: Heresy!
EU supporter #2: Hershey!
Author: Hershey?
EU supporter #2: Yeah, can I have that Hershey bar?
Author: It's two months old. . . (he eats it) . . . umm, sure. . look, I've got to hurry up and finish this story.
EU supporter #3: NO! You will not assassinate our beloved Mara! MURDERER!
EU supporter #1: TRAITOR!
EU supporter #2: I think that was used gum in a Hershey wrapper. . .
Author: You DO realize that there was never a REAL character named Mara Jade, right? I mean, that was just a character that Zahn--
EU supporters: (bowing their heads) The Master!
Author: --yeah, right, uh, just a character that he made up to interest adolescent fanboys such as yourselves?
EU supporter #1: Enough of this!
EU supporter #3: The time has come for you to meet your doom!
EU supporter #2: Allow us to introduce you to. . . our Invincible Rays of Death!
Author: Aren't those the plastic lightsabers that glow in the dark? My kid cousin has one like that.
EU supporter #1: The end for you this is, Queen!
Author: Um. . . could you please stop hitting me? Not that it hurts or anything, but I have to. . . err. . . go and write a scene about Mara doing a striptease for a space cop.
EU supporters: Ohhhh. . . full-frontal nudity. . . *drool
EU supporter #3: Maybe you're not so bad after all, Icefire.
EU supporter #1: Be sure to call the cop a fancy name!
Author: Sure, guys. Whatever you say. Hey, speaking of names, did you know the title of Episode II is out? It's Attack of the Clones.
EU supporters: (they explode)
Author: Good thing I remembered what sort of effect the title has on members of the EUS. Anyway, maybe I'll add this into my story to explain the reason why I made everyone suffer through the horror of a Gungan-Mara striptease.
D***, now I have to clean up this EUS mess. And with my luck, George Bush will clone them.
It's going to be a long night- for me as well as for our dear Mara.
