The Legend of Zelda: Behind the Triforce
Darunia's story
By: GoroGoroGuy
I DON'T OWN ZELDA! I DON'T OWN ANYTHING EXCEPT MY ROOM! WHY? BECAUSE I SAID SO!
YOU DREAMED IT WOULD NEVER HAPPEN…But, now it has arrived! In the saga of one author's struggle to beat the odds and the clock to earn a major role in the sequel to SOIS, comes a fic that chronicles how each and every one of the Zelda characters made it to the big screen, little screen, and every other screen in-between! AND NOW! CHAPTER FREAKING TWO! ONWARD!
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The scene is the interior of the clock tower, spiffed up with lights and the whole shebang.
The announcer: LLLLLLAAAAAAADDDDIIIIIIIEEEEEESSSS and GENTLEMEN! AUTHORS AND hrthrntvqsiamesetreesoncokewbOWBUU6BchiapetYUIRTLOZIUREArubadubdubTNRBhfhrGANONRUNIAethrthsrebthabhyIlovebabiesJIMMINYCRICKETlinolium arthritis super monkeys…………
Voice off camera: (a/n: Yep, this guy is in almost every single fic I've wrote. I'll make a fic dedicated to him sometime. WHEN PIGS HOVER OVER MY COMPUTER IN LITTLE SPACESHIPS AND GORONS EAT STYROFOAM! HA-HA!) WHAT HAPPENED? WHY ISN'T THE ANNOUNCING MACHINE WORKING?
Another voice: The announcer voice intro tape is dead!
Voice off camera: *SIGH* Looks like we'll have to do this manually. ATTENTION! DOES ANYBODY HAVE ANY EXPERIENCE WITH ANNOUNCING?
*Nobody but GGGuy raises a hand*
Voice off camera: DOES ANYBODY ELSE HAVE ANY EXPERIENCE WITH ANNOUNCING?
GGGuy: Wait…that's from Shrek! Cliché-loving $#*^$&%!!!!!
Voice off camera: You lost your chance to announce. Again.
GGGuy: Sh*t. I thought I did a good job in Lost, too.
Voice off camera: ANYBODY? NO? OKAY THEN, FORGET IT! I'll do it…I am just a voice…*ahem* HELLO, AND WELCOME TO CHAPTER TWO OF BEHIND THE TRIFORCE! AND FROM MASSACHUSETTS, USA! HERE'S YOUR HOST, THE GREAT GGGUY! *Applause while GGGuy walks up* AND FROM…uh…somewhere…around here…NEVER MIND! HERE'S SKULLKID! *Crickets chirping in the background as Skullkid walks up*
*The latter two walk up the steps to the clock tower's second floor*
GGGuy: Welcome back to our loveable little fic, Behind the Triforce. Yet another episode has come at last.
Skullkid: That's right. And it's about that loveable Goron, *Cough* NOT! *Cough* Darunia.
GGGuy: Now, you're probably thinking, "Darunia? He's boring!" Well, I can assure you, he will not be anymore when we're through with him.
Skullkid: So from the location of Clock tower…
GGGuy: …Comes the real story of unreal characters. Enjoy the show.
*Picture of Darunia picking his nose*
GGGuy: Darunia…HEY, HOW'D THAT GET IN THERE? SKULLKID! YOU LITTLE CRETIN! %@$&&%^*^%*^!!!!!! Fix it right now!! %%^^ %&&&**!!!!!!!!!! Go (%%$$^ a tree, $^#$ &^!!!!!!!! &(() (()%T*^&^*% in a ping-pong ball factory!!!!!! You little &$%&#&@!!!!!!!!!
*Picture of Darunia being as normal as he's ever been*
GGGuy: THANK YOU! As I was saying…Darunia Granito Elder, the great royal Goron, "Big Brother," and other nicknames, was born in Termina to The Goron Elder of the local Goron tribe. The first of two sons, he started an education quickly.
*Picture of a small tan rock that resembles Darunia, with a "Teletubbies" backpack on. Okay, It's Darunia as a kid. HAPPY NOW? *
GGGuy: While Darunia's dad wanted him to be a bomb flower harvester, Darunia decided to pursue a career in video game acting, a dream that took flight long before The Legend of Zelda, starting with a starring role in a Goron theater production, "Granite body, Goron heart," which was a Goron adaptation of the classic play, "Romeo and Juliet."
(Cue interview with a childhood friend of Darunia's)
Goron: I…always really thought that he was enthusiastic about performances, but I never, in my whole LIFE, thought once that he would seriously consider it as a career. I still think his Dad's nuts, too.
(End interview)
GGGuy: Darunia was a great Goron racer. He took home many prizes and bottles of Gold dust later in his life, but his racing triumphs got off to a very shaky start, as shown in this clip.
(Home video of Darunia as a toddler, trying to roll)
Elder: (holding the camera) Okay, Darunia. Tuck your arms and legs in and shift your weight…
Darunia: I can't do this! I WANT TO GO HOME!
Elder: All Gorons do this at one point or another, sweetie.
Darunia: ALL I WANT TO DO IS SIT AT HOME AND DANCE TO MUSIC, EATING ROCKS EVERY NOW AND THEN!
Elder: But then nobody would even like you! You'd be hated and grow up stupid!
Darunia: WHAT?
Elder: That's what'll happen if you don't learn how to roll well!
Darunia: Really?
Elder: Yep.
Darunia: Whoa…then…I guess rolling is my only option?
Elder: Just do as I say, and don't be nervous.
Darunia: HOW CAN I NOT BE NERVOUS?
Elder: *SIGH* Curl up into a ball and tuck your arms and legs in, then shift your weight.
Darunia: *Does as his dad says*
Elder: Now, shift your weight…good…now try it for a bit longer…
*Darunia rolls a little before falling over on his side*
Elder: No, no, no. Go FORWARD.
*Darunia doesn't move*
Elder: Darunia? Are you all right? Darunia?
Darunia: ZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzz…
(End Video)
GGGuy: The reason that we only have that much tape was because the home camera ran out of batteries. *Pauses* Wait a second…where's the next clip? Have I forgotten something? What was I supposed to say?
Voice off camera: We're out of clips! Someone stole them all!
GGGuy: Well, I didn't do it…and I know Darunia didn't…unless…WAIT SECOND! SKULLKID, WHERE WERE YOU LAST NIGHT?
Skullkid's voice: Uh…the…uh…my…trailer? Yeah, my trailer! Uh, I think…I mean, YEAH! I WAS IN MY APARTMENT!
GGGuy: Nice try. I'll have you know we have security cameras here. We'll just see who's lying NOW, shall we? ROLL THE SECURITY TAPE FOR LAST NIGHT!
*One of the monitors behind GGGuy turns on and shows a tape of a Skullkid-like figure stealing the clip tapes*
Skullkid: I DIDN'T DO IT! LIES! ALL LIES!
GGGuy: Where are the rest of the tapes?
Skullkid: I put them in Darunia's room.
GGGuy: Dare I even ask why you did such a thing?
Skullkid: You'll find out soon, if you haven't yet…
(Meanwhile, in Darunia's trailer outside of Clock Tower)
*Darunia opens the door of his trailer to find every single character from Zelda watching various embarrassing videos of him*
Darunia: WHAT IN THE NAME OF WHITEWASHED BANANA BREAD ARE YOU ALL DOING HERE?!
Impa: Watching a video Skullkid gave us. I didn't know you had diaper rash.
Raru: Or that you had an unhealthy obsession with Diedrich Bader. ("Oswald" from the Drew Carey Show)
Zelda: Or that you have sixty-two issues of "PlayGoro" hidden under your mattress, all of them with the pages worn out.
Darunia: THOSE WERE MY DAD'S! I CAN'T HELP IT THAT I-
Tingle: Or that you tape every episode of "Judge Judy," then edit them on your computer so they have dirty words in them and make the person you want to lose the case look like Britney Spears making out with a Harry Potter book.
The Deku King: Or that you wear boxer shorts with pictures of rocks on them.
Link: Or that you were a hippie until you accidentally set your van on fire and almost got killed by a herd of stampeding chia pets.
Morpha: Or that you got poor grades when you were a kid, then blamed them on a person you called, "Mr. Teddy, the mad blender-lover?"
Talon: Or that your tattoo actually translates into English as "I love sauerkraut, but I love my mother more."
Mikau: Or that you-
Darunia: ENOUGH! I GET THE IDEA! Grrrrr… I SWEAR, I'M GOING TO KILL SKULLKID!
Saria: Won't that break a few rules, though?
Impa: And get you arrested?
Malon: And get you put in prison?
Darunia: STOP! I WILL AT LEAST HURT SKULLKID REALLY, REALLY BADLY!
Raru: Won't that-
Darunia: OKAY! I'LL JUST PLAY AN ANNOYING PRANK ON HIM! WHO'S WITH ME?
Ruto: But that will get you kicked off and-
Darunia: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! *Darunia storms off*
Link: OOOOOOOOOkay…
Ruto: He's so difficult.
Zelda: OOH! LOOK AT THAT!
Link: What happened? REWIND IT!
Ruto: …………COOL! I DIDN'T KNOW GORONS COULD DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE TO A TOILET!
Raru: They're going to need a really big plunger…
Mario: Did-a someone a say you needed a plunger?
Raru: Go back to your apartment.
Mario: *Staring at the screen* Whoa…there's-a nothing to-a watch-a there…
Raru: Want to see the whole thing? It kind of makes sense more if you see it from start to finish. *Rewinds the tape*
*Back to the studio*
GGGuy: CAN ANYBODY HERE DO SOMETHING RIGHT? I SPECIFICALLY REQUESTED A BACKUP COPY OF THE FILM!
Voice off camera: I told you, it's all gone! Skullkid stole it!
Skullkid: I still say I didn't do it. Someone set me up!
GGGuy: Yeah, right. And my name is Dick Cheney.
Skullkid: It could be. Nobody knows who you are, you know.
GGGuy: MY NAME IS NOT DICK CHENEY! Oh, for the love of minestrone soup…*sigh*…Just go get the tapes so we can continue this fic…
Skullkid: Okay, okay… *Walks off*
*At Darunia's trailer*
Darunia: *Bent over a small set of levers connected by strings to various objects in his trailer, talking to himself* FLASHY GLOWING-THINGY! CHECK! WHIPPED CREAM! CHECK! COPPER-FLAVOR POPCORN PEBBLES! *Munch, munch, munch* CHECK!
*Skullkid comes running up to the trailer*
Darunia: And the victim approaches…this will be sweet…
Skullkid: GGGuy is such an @$$…WHY do I have to do this?
*Skullkid walks into Darunia's trailer which is conveniently absent of any other people besides Mario, who is still watching the tape, and closes the door behind him*
Darunia: NOW! *Pulls lever-type-thing*
Skullkid: (from inside trailer) AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! WHAT IN THE NAME OF NAYRU? *Many assorted noises come from the trailer, some of which are unidentifiable, others that sound remarkably like a cow rampaging*
Darunia: @_@ THIS IS THE GREATEST THING I'VE EVER DONE…
Skullkid: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! DARUNIA! I'LL GET YOU FOR THIS!!!! %&%ING %%Y* OF ^%%##&, FOR &&#&%@ING DIN'S SAKE! AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! *Bursts out the door, covered in feathers and syrup, manure and pieces of rocks, along with other unidentifiable things*
Darunia: AHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!! AHAHAHAHAHAAAAA!!!!!! YEAH!!!! WHAT A KLUTZ!!!!! YAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! FUN!!!!! WHAT FUN!!!!! AH HA HEE HA HEE HEH HAHAHAHAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!! WWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!
Skullkid: Grrrrr…why me?
*GGGuy and his minor-character-turned-part-time-sidekick, the infamous "Voice off camera," (Who is, as always, out of range of the camera) come running at top speed towards the source of the commotion*
GGGuy: SKULLKID! WHAT HAPPENED?
Skullkid: I'll tell you what happened!!! This Goron decided to get even with me! *Points to Darunia, who is STILL rolling on the ground laughing his head off*
GGGuy: SO! Couldn't take it, huh? Couldn't just have told ME about this? Hm?
All but GGGuy: O_O?
*Darunia is laughing so hard, it looks like he might vomit*
Voice off camera: I think you should teach him a lesson.
GGGuy: I'm waaaaaay ahead of you… *Encases Darunia in a ball of glass twenty feet thick in all directions*
Darunia: Lemme out! Lemme out! I WANT MY MOMMY!
Skullkid: At least give him air holes. I want to torment him with another "Skullkid original" prank later on.
GGGuy: Turn off the camera. NOW.
Voice off camera: That I shall.
End chapter.
A bit short, don't you think? No? Yes? No Yes No? Maybe? Funny? No? Yes? No? I hope yes. Was it as stupid as the mozzarella cheese on my shoe? It was? No it wasn't. You know it. It was funny. Admit it. YOU HATED IT? YOU LITTLE…MUST…RESIST…USING…CHIA PET…ARMY…ON…FLAMERS! *Notices staring people* A HEH HEH HEH…WHAAAAAAT? PLEASE REVIEW! IF YOU DON'T, I WILL BE SAD! BYE-BYE!
