a/n: Here it is! And I didn't make you wait a month. I made you wait FIVE MONTHS! But it's done. I'll try to get on to Ep. V soon, but no promises. Oh, and stay tuned at the end. There's a little something special for all of you for waiting.

Disclaimer: No. I don't own any of this. I'm not worthy.

(Shot of Yavin 4. The Rebel base looks suspiciously like The Three Broomsticks. Ron, Harry, Hermione and Hagrid-macka are met by General Flitwick.)

Flitwick: Thank goodness you're safe. When we heard about Alderaan we feared the worst.

Hermione: What happened to Alderaan?

Flitwick: Salmakia forgot to put it in. Just play along.

Hermione: Um...ok. We...uh....have no time for sorrows, General. We must utilize the information in the R-Colin unit to launch an attack on the Death-Eater Star.

(Shot of the briefing room. General Flitwick stands at the front, pointing at a computer screen.)

Flitwick: As you know, the Death-Eater Star is coming to get us. We have to attack it, because it could blow us up. We have analyzed the reports brought to us by Princess Hermione and we've found that it does in fact have a weakness. It's defenses are designed around a large scale defense. Small, one or two man fighters should be able to penetrate its defenses.

Seamus Antillies: No offense sir, but what good are snub-fighters going to be against that?

Flitwick: There is a small thermal exhaust port located just below the main port, connected to the main reactor. A direct hit should trigger a chair reaction that will blow it up.

Seamus: Sort of a "don't push this button" sort of thing"
Flitwick: (Ignoring Seamus) The approach will not be easy. You will be required to maneuver straight down this trench while avoiding enemy fighters. The target area is only about two meters wide. Also, the port is ray shielded, so you will have to use proton torpedoes.

(Flitwick passes out and falls off the stack of books he was standing on from talking too much.)

Seamus: That's impossible. Even for a computer.

Harry: It's not impossible. I used to bulls-eye nifflers in my T-16 back home. They're not much bigger than two meters.

Seamus: I have a feeling that you're destined for great things.

Ron: Seamus, that's not in the script.

Seamus: But you stole my best line. I wanted to say SOMETHING.

Ron: Whatever.

(Cut to a shot of Ron Solo and Hagrid-macka loading up the Millennium Anglia with boxes of money.)

Harry: So, you've got your reward and you're just leaving then?

Ron: That's right. Hey. Why don't you come with us. You're pretty good in a fight.

Harry: You're turning your back on them. You know what they're about to go up against. They could use a good pilot like you.

Ron: What good's a reward if you aren't around to use it.

Harry: Well, take care of yourself, Ron. I guess that's what your best at.

Ron: I'm impressed, and you keep pretending you hadn't read the script.

Harry: I hadn't. I read it during that like three month hiatus Salmakia took from this story.

Ron: Nice.

Harry: Oh, sith! They're still watching us.

Ron: Who cares. They've seen everything else.

(Shot of the main hanger. Harry is wearing an orange flight suit and getting into an X-Wing. Salmakia is seen dragging Luke Skywalker, whom she acquired from Trisana during "In Space, No One Can Hear Your Phaser Explode" She still has disco tribble in her hair. That's a pink, sparkly ostrich feather scrunchie that took on a whole new meaning when Bob got a hold of it at Comedy Sportz during object tag.)

Luke: Why are we here?

Salmakia: I forgot that Harry won't be able to hit the target. You're going to have to guide him for me.

Luke: I don't like doing that. It takes me really close to the dark side...

Salmakia: So does shooting Force-lightening at me!

(Luke looks sheepish. Salmakia drags him into a Skipray with her. Back to shot of Harry climbing up into the X-Wing.)

Tech Person: This R-Colin 'droid of yours looks really beat up. You want a new one?

Harry: Not on your life. That little 'droid and I have been through a lot together. You all right, R-Colin?

(R-Colin whistles.)

Harry: Good.

(Shot of inside the Death-Eater Star)

Darth: We're closing in on Yavin IV now.

Grand Moff Malfoy: You're sure the homing beacon is aboard their ship? I'm taking an awful risk, Prongs. This had better work.

(Salmakia's note: Is it Governor or Grand Moff? Salmakia can't remember what happens at this part but she doesn't want to go watch the movie again.)

Darth: It'll work. We followed the tribbles.

(Shot of Yavin IV sky. We can see the Death-Eater Star. Short take-off sequence of the X-Wings. Shot of outer space above the planet.)

Oliver Wood: Red Leader to Red Group. All wings check in.

Seamus: Red Two standing by.

Alicia Spinnet: Red Six standing by.

Angelina Johnson: Red Eight standing by.

Katie Bell: Red Eleven standing by.

Harry: Red Five standing by.

Alicia: Hey. The Quidditch team is here...but where's Fred and George?

Harry: Salmakia's got plans for them in the next one. Can't use them here.

Alicia: Oh. Okay.

Salmakia: Red 1138 standing by.

Wood: Huh?

Salmakia: I've got a Jedi with me. Humor me.

Wood: You're turning up too much in this fic now.

Salmakia: Hey. Watch what you say. You're only in because the guy who played you in the movie had a very sexy accent.

(Luke, in the back of the skipray, looks dejected.)

Salmakia: What? Am I not allowed to stalk more than one person at a time?Luke: I don't feel special anymore.

Seamus: (Really overplayed) LOOK AT...

Ron: ...THE SIZE OF THAT THING.

Seamus: Where did you come from.

Ron: Er...Red Anglia standing by.

Seamus: This is the last time you steal my line, Solo! You're going down!

(Seamus breaks out of formation and goes after the Anglia. We see them both jump to hyperspace)

Wood: We don't have a full squadron now!
(Salmakia maneuvers the Skipray into Seamus's position.)

Wood: Fine...Ok. We're approaching it's outer defense. Put your deflector shields up, double front.

(Shot of the X-Wing and One Skipray Squadron approaching the Death-Eater Star)

Wood: Lock S-Foils in attack position.

Angelina: What's an S-Foil?

Wood: I don't know. I'm just the Quidditch Captain. Like I know how to fly an X-Wing.

(Luke slaps his forehead. Salmakia grins.)

Wood: Um...aim for the towers...try to take them out. Red Six and Red Eight follow me. We're going for the trench.

(Alicia and Angelina break off and follow Wood. The Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff Quiddich teams swarm around in their X-Wing Squadrons. Cho Chang flies by Harry. She winks at him. He turns red.)

Harry: Hey...

Wood: Cut the chatter, Red Five.

Harry: Sorry, Sir.

(Shot of inside of Death-Eater Star.)

Officer: Sir, their fighters are avoiding our turbolasers.

Darth: We'll have to destroy them ship to ship. Get the crews to their fighters.

(Back out to the battle. TIE fighters full of Slytherins come screeching out.)

Angelina: Enemy fighters at four O'clock!

Wood: Take evasive action!

(More pointless flying around. Salmakia never paid attention in this scene. Cut to Harry flying down the trench flanked by Alicia and Seamus, who is obviously back from chasing Ron in the Anglia.)

Harry: Go in full throttle. That'll keep 'em off our tails.
Seamus: At that speed, Harry, will you be able to pull out in time?

Alicia: Ewww!Seamus: What?

Alicia: Ewww!
Seamus: Oh! Ewww!Harry: Ew?

Seamus: Nevermind...

Harry: Um...you worry about those fighters. I'll worry about the tower. Wait...I get it now! Ewww!

(Salmakia would like to note here that she is a dirty little sex monkey.)

(Darth Prongs' fighter comes into view.)

Darth: Stay in attack formation.

Harry: Enemy fighters at three and nine!

(Prongs blasts Alicia out of the sky and damages Seamus' fighter.)
Seamus: I'm hit. I can't stay with you.

Harry: Get out of there, Seamus. You can't do anymore good back there.
Seamus: Sorry.

(Shot of inside of Death-Eater Star.)Aide: Sir, we've analyzed their attack and there is some danger. Should we have your ship standing by?

Malfoy: Evacuate? In our moment of triumph? I think you overestimate their chances!

(Back to the battle)

Darth: I'm on the leader.

Remus: Use the Force, Harry.

Harry: God?

Remus: Not quite...

Harry: Um...

Remus: I'll set up the spell. Don't worry.

Salmakia: Hey, God. Don't worry. I've got a Jedi.

Remus: Ok. Coffee break with Shakespeare and Merlin then...

(Harry keeps flying down the trench towards the exhaust port but Luke had control of his mind. Salmakia is flying the skipray rather well. Darth Prongs sets up his shot to blow Harry out of the sky.)

Darth: The Force is strong with this one.

(Darth Prongs' fighter takes a hit.)
Darth: What?

Ron: Yeehaw!

Harry: Ron?

Ron: That's right, kid. Now let's blow this joint and go home.

(Harry fires. Because Luke is controlling the X-Wing it goes right in.)

Ron: Great shot kid, that was one in a million!

(All the fighters fly away. Darth Prongs' fighter spirals away. Shot of the hangar in the Rebel Base.)

Harry: Ron!

Ron: Harry!

Ginny-3P0: R-Colin!

(R-Colin is being unloaded from the X-Wing)

Harry: Oh no!

Hermione: Hey. You're back! I knew there was more to you than money.

(Ron, Harry and Hermione go walking off. Ginny-3P0 is left to fret about R-Colin.)

Ginny-3P0: You're never going to let my life get normal, are you?

(Insert completely pointless awards ceremony with lots of funky music and goofy smiling people. The credits start to roll and then they stop abruptly)

Salmakia: Hey, folks! Miss Alderaan being blown up? Well, here's your chance to see it!

(Shot of the inside of the Death-Eater Star. Hermione has been brought to Grand Moff Malfoy.)

Hermione: Governor Malfoy. I should have expected to find you holding Prongs' leash. I recognized your foul stench when I was brought aboard.

Malfoy: Charming, to the last. You don't know how hard I found it to sign the order to terminate your life.

Hermione: I'm surprised you had the courage to do it yourself.

Malfoy: I grow tired of asking, so this will be the last time. Where is the Rebel base.
Hermione: Um...

Malfoy: We're going to blow up your home planet of Alderaan.
Hermione: Dantooine. They're on Dantooine.

Malfoy: Fire when ready.

Hermione: What?

Malfoy: You're far too trusting. Dantooine is to far out to make an effective demonstration.

(Alderaan blows up.)Malfoy: Take her away!

(Credits start to roll again, but they stop AGAIN.)

Harry: Hey, everyone! Welcome to the Harry-In-The-Desert-Karaoke-Dance-Party!

(Everyone groans.)

Harry: Fine! The rest of you get up here and sing!

(Ginny-3P0 steps forward.)
Ginny-3P0: Master Harry, if I may?

Harry: Sure Ginny-3P0.

Ginny-3P0: (Tapping the mic and looking nervous) Um... this is just a little something dedicated to...er...someone special. (She starts singing, badly, I might add) You're just too good to be true. Can't take my photoreceptors off of you. You'd be like the maker to touch. Just want to be with you so much...you're just-

(Ron grabs the mic from Ginny-3P0.)

Ron: That's in, goldenrod. My turn! (Ron sings one note and the karaoke machine shuts off.) What?

Harry: It's set to keep pain to a minimum...

Ron: Grr.

(Hagrid-Macka takes the mic.)

Hagrid-Macka: Ah like big butts and Ah canno' lie. And all yeh other brothers can' deny. When a girl walks in with an itty-bitty waist and a round thin' in yer face yeh get...

Harry: Er...I think that's enough Haggie...

(R-Colin takes the mic and goes through a rendition of the Meco Star Wars theme. Everyone claps.)

Harry: And that's all the pain I think we need to put these folks through.

FIN Episode IV

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