...For days I cried, alone in my room. Evelynn and Rafe both tried to make it better, but nothing would work. Even little Danny got in on the game of "Cheer Susie Up", imitating Rafe at my door. But it didn't--it couldn't-- work. I could never let go of Danny, I could never face Jack again, and I could never, ever leave the comfort of my room. I lit a cigarette and sat by the opened window, gazing out at the plains.
"Susie! No smokin' in the house while Danny's awake!" Rafe yelled through the door.
I laughed quietly, and continued to puff away. My mind began to wander, thinking about when Danny really WAS awake. There was no real complication then, there was no Jack...heck, there wasn't even nobody to be in love with in those early days. Lord, I missed those times...
**********************************************************************************
"Come on!" Rafe yelled at me as I looked questionably at him. "It'll be fun, he'll never know!"
Rafe, always the "rebel" had decided to take Daddy's pick-up for a ride through the country-side. He and Danny sat in the truck, looking pleadingly at me as I made my decision.
"Okay," I offered, "But if we get in trouble, I'm not taking all the blame!"
I hopped in and we sped away, not even knowing where we planned to go. Cops were scarce around here, especially at lunchtime. Now, if there had been more police to watch out for we never would've gone. Rafe was never one to drive safely and neither was Danny. I'd never driven before, so I didn't have to worry. Or so I thought.
They pulled the truck to a halt at the side of a long, barren road.
"Alright Suze," Danny grinned mischieviously, "Get in the driver's seat."
"What??" I squealed, holding myself down to the seat i was in, right between the two of 'em/
Rafe got out and moved over to the passenger side, shoving us all down the line. The weight of the two bigger boys forced me to slide behind the wheel. Dammit, I thought, I'm gonna crash it.
"Now put it in gear, you know how to do that, I've seen you practicin' before," Rafe pushed.
I did as I was told.
"Now push down on the gas and--"
Once again, I did as I was told and we sped off down the drive.
This wasn't so hard after all, I though, laughing excitedly.
"Slow down Suze!" Danny yelled next to me.
"Why?? I thought you boys wanted to have some fun..." I taunted.
"Well we wanna take a rest, pull into Stanley over there," Danny directed, pointing me to our usual hangout, Stanley Drive.
The pickup screeched to a halt and we all jumped out, sweating from the intense June heat.
"Nice job girly," Rafe laughed, slapping me on the shoulder good-heartedly.
"I must agree, you did good," Danny joked, winking.
"Shut up! It was my first time!" I yelled behind them, as they sauntered away down the road.
Rafe, turned his head back. "That's what they all say, Susie Q."
Ever the comedian, my brother.
"And grab the beer outta the back!" he yelled.
A few hours, and a few drinks, later, the three of us sat around in a circle, just ramblin' on about nothing in particular.
"So's I was thinkin'," Rafe began to slur.
"Bout what?" Danny slurred back.
"I dunno, but I know i was thinkin' bout somethin..."
"That's always good, man. Susie gimme a smoke."
I tossed Danny the pack and watched him light up. Rafe stood up and began to walk around aimlessly.
"You keep takin' mine and I'm gonna hafta start chargin' you," I threatened jokingly.
"Ohh, I'm scared, really I am. Say, where's Rafe?"
"Damned if I know he just got up and--ARGH!!!"
A big shove from behind threw me stumbling into the creek.
"RAFE!!!!' I screamed angrily as I got out and proceeded to throw him in. Unfortunately for me, he grabbed hold of my leg an tried to bring me with him. Sensing this I grabbed Danny's arm to keep me up but Rafe's got some muscle in him and all three of us went tumblin' into the water.
A pretty big wrestling match ensued which I, luckily, was left out of. Getting out , I snuck over to the pickup and hopped in. Turning the keys I stuck my head out the window.
"Bye boys!" I hollered, snickering.
"Susie wait!" Danny screamed running from the creek.
"You can't leave us here! That's not fair," Rafe gasped as he tried to catch up.
Putting it in gear, I drove out onto the road, Rafe and Danny running behind me, soaking wet. Finally, I heard a thud as Danny jumped into the truck bed. A second thud was hear as he pulled Rafe in. Rafe slid open the window in the back.
"Nice job kid," he said ruffling my hair.
"Once 'gain," Danny laughed from behind, "I must agree. You did good, Suze."
**********************************************************************************
...A knock on my bedroom door interrupted my thoughts.
"Susie? It's me, Jack," a voice echoeed through my room. "Can I come in, please? Just to talk, I promise. Susie? Rafe said you were in here, please can we talk?"
Oh Danny, I thought, wiping the remaining tears off my face. I did good for you then, but am I doing good now?...
...Jack had come to apologize for the fiasco that I, not he, had instigated the night before. I liked hi m, I did, but it would take some getting used to. Simply put, all that damned guilt I felt over moving on from Danny, my one completely true love, would take a while to get over. Opening the door to the blonde, built, and somehow innocently rugged "boy", however, almost made me lightheaded...
"Are you okay today?" Jack asked, concerned, after we had moved our conversation to the front porch.
"Fine," I responded, pouring some lemonade for the two of us. "Last night just stirred up some...memories, is all. Those things can be dangerous."
"Memories of what?"
"I'd rather not say, I'm sorry."
"You know, i really do think we'd get along good if you gave us a chance."
"Jack we've only known eachother a week. You sure you wanna try this out so soon?"
"I know we can make it work if we get to know eachother, and take it slowly," he responded, emphasizing on the last word as if trying to make me feel more comfortable.
"But you know hardly anythin' about me!" I exclaimed, surprised at his forwardness, and at the same time his honesty.
"If you insist...I'll give this a try. We can see a movie in town maybe?"
"Tomorrow night, if that's okay."
"That'd be f ine."
"Say, where's Rafe at today?"
"You really admire my brother, don't you?"
"I do Suze. When I was growin up around here I used to watch him and his best friend...Walker, I think it was?...flying around in cropdusters doin' all kinds of crazy shit."
"They were quite a duo, those two," I smiled, remembering when they first tried to play chicken and ended up 100 feet away from eachother at the turn.
"Wonder whatever happened to that Walker kid," he pondered. I flinched at the familiar name.
**********************************************************************************"...Shows what you know, Walker..."
**********************************************************************************
"He..well, he died in the war..."
"Ya don't say? That's too bad. He sure seemed to be a good kid."
"Yes, he was. The best I've ever known."
**********************************************************************************
"...I couldn't let you miss out on something like that, now could I?..."
**********************************************************************************
"I'm sorry, you seem upset now. I take it you two were close?"
"He was my best friend. But it's no matter, gotta come to terms with it anyway. More lemonade?"
"No thanks," Jack answered with a smile. "I'm gonna go home and clean up the place. I"ll be seein' you tomorrow, around eight, alright?"
"Eight'd be fine, don 't keep me waitin!" I answered, grinning back.
"See ya then Susie," he winked and turned around. As he walked to his car I realized exactly how much I was fallin' for him.
Oh dear Lord Suze, I scolded myself, Don't let yourself go on this boy! You could never fully love him, and then you'll probably wind up hurtin' him more than you'll ever know...
...Despite my own warnings to myself, I knew that I needed the kind of affection that Jack wasx giving me. We pursued a fairly normal relationship with eachother. He said he loved me, he couldn't live without me. I, on occasion, told him that I loved him too. I let him believe that he was my one true love. Don't get me wrong, It was a wonderful relationship, but I'd already experienced my soulmate. Jack was such a wonderful, giving man, though, and we got along great. One day, though, something changed. He got real serious, and so did the whole damned situation...
"You know, Suze," Jack mumbled, barely above a whisper as we walked through the flower garden in the back of the house. "Things been really good between us lately. I love you with all my heart, you know that, and so...i was thinkin'...maybe..."
"Spit it out already!" I laughed, not really knowing what to expect, although it should have been obvious.
"What do ya think of marriage?" Before I could answer, he continued, "'Cause, see, I wanna spend the rest of my life with a great girl like you and I figured 'Why not get a head start on it?' So, I got you this ring...it's not much...but I hope you'll take it and say you'll marry me someday?"
"I..." I couldn't think of anything to say. I searched and searched and searched within myself for the answer, and still everything seemed so confused. In the back of my head, though, I knew what I should say.
**********************************************************************************
"... If anything happens I want you to remember me always. I want you to go on with your life, okay?..."
**********************************************************************************
Okay Danny, I thought morbidly, This is what you wanted.
"I will," I smiled happily at Jack.
"Oh Suze I promise I'll make you happy!" he exclaimed picking me up in a big hug.
I knew he would, but only as my best friend...I felt a love for him that I also shared for Rafe, Evelynn, and Danny. This love was pure, but it was not the love he needed, and I new that sooner or later he would realize that and be heartbroken. For now, however, he deserved to be loved and to be married...he was a great, great man, my Jack.
...Jack and I were wed in a small but beautiful ceremony at the church in town. It was a nice marriage from the beginning, and we got along great. I found myself unable to have a baby, though. I couldn't explain why, but it was as if God didn't want me to reproduce. Another obstacle in my life, but I managed to move on. Jack was starting to get pretty damn sickly, and a lot of the time he had to stay in bed. He seemed to be fine at heart though. Rafe's little family was doing well, Evelynn had just recovered from the flu and was in high spirits, and little Danny was readin', all by himself. But things got pretty bad the day Rafe showed up on my front porch, sobbing like a newborn baby...
The knockin' came rapidly and lously.
"Jesus, I'm coming already!" I yelled at the mystery visitor. It was nearly evelen at night, who in the hell would be here this late?
I opened the door to see Rafe, shivering and crying like a madman.
"Oh my god," I muttered, pulling him inside gently and shutting the door behind him. "Rafe, baby, what'sa matter?"
"I...car...the plane....!" he broke down and fell into the couch in a heap of tears and redness.
"Explain it to me now darlin...slowly, okay? I'm here, it's alright now, you can tell me."
"Well, I-I-I got into the t-truck and went to the pharmacy to pick up Eve's medicine and th-th-then I was driving home and this big noise popped outside, it sounded like a g-g-gun..."
"Go on," I consoled him, rubbing his back and fixing his hair.
"W-well suddenly I blacked out. I was in the plane again in europe and the damned bastar shot me down and-and..." he wailed and wailed, as I put two and two together.
"You had a flashback?"
Rafe nodded, looking up with those big, puppy-dog eyes of his.
"Aw honey, I get those all the time. You just have to get used to them. There's no point in crying now, that's the past--it's over and done with. If you move on, you'll tend to get em less often until you don't get em anymore."
Liar, I scolded myself. You still picture Danny as flesh at least twice a day.
"You really think so, Suze? You think it'll be alright?"
"I know so, guy. Now come on, I'll drive you home."
"Hey girly?" he motioned as we walked out the door.
"Yea?"
"I love you."
"Love you too."
...I drove Rafe home that night, concerned about how terrified he must feel to be reliving those times. Little did I know that this was merely the beginning of all our troubles. I was about to lose somebody else, and, at the same time, gain someody new...
...There was a regression following Rafe's episode. Jack's condition worsened, and nobody could explain what went wrong. I was confused, I didn't love him completely but I still loved him. So I stayed by his side most of the time, wondering what to do. Evelynn would stop by with Danny Jr. every day and we would eat outside and watch the sky. Often, Rafe would come and keep Jack company. Life was good and bad at the same time, and none of us knew what would happen, or how it would change us all...
Shieldin my eyes with my hand, I looked up to the clouds and watched our neighbor in the crop duster, mindin' our fields. Jack was out of the question to do it, and Rafe refused to go into another plane after his flashbacks.
"Would you look at how easy that thing flies," he mumbled quietly.
"Don't pay any mind to it, darling," Evelynn soothed.
Standing up quietly, i excused myself to go to the bathroom.
The house was quiet inside, and the wooden floorboards creaked and groaned under my feet as I crept to Jack's dor and peered in. He slept quietly, drooling on the pillow as usual. I'd wait to wake him up. I would know today--today there would be no doubt.
Holding my stomach, I edged my way to the bathroom and slunk inside. A wave of nausea swept over me and I quickly upped the lid of the toilet and let it go.
"Shit," I said to myself. I knew I was going to be having a baby. Eve knew too, but Jack was too sick to help me take care of him. Hopefully, he'd get better soon and then we could be happy again.
I hiked up my skirt for one more check, and, as expected, there was nothing. I was two months late.
"It's now or never," I coaxed myself. Opening the door and walking in to the hallway, I caught my breath and prepared myself.
"Jack? Honey wake up I need to tell you something!" I called, walking quickly towards his room, the door slightly ajar.
I eased my way inside and approached his sleeping form. God, he was so sweet. I could hardly wait for him to get better, and then we'd have picnics out by the garden again like old times.
"Wake up sweety," I urged, pushing his shoulder lightly. As I did so, his pale body moved and I could see his "drool" more clearly--it was blood.
Jack??" I cried, grabbing his hand and shaking him around. "Jack wake up!! I'm having a baby!"
In all my horror, I heard footsteps come running down the hallway. Rafe burst in the door, Evelynn following.
"Suze, move aside okay?? I'll take care of this girly," he said, moving me to the wall and kneeling beside Jack's bed.
I knew he was dead, I knew it would happen...I just couldn't come to terms with it in time.
Evelynn came to my side and held me as I cried.
"Not again," I sobbed against her shoulder. "Not again..."
...In the months following Jack's death, I was like a zombie. The doctor said that there had been internal bleeding in his stomach from a fall on the farm that he hadn't paid any mind to. His room was cleaned out and everything of his was placed in boxes. Everything except his journal. I kept it by my bedside and swore to never read it, until one day, out of curiousity, I flipped through the pages...
The book was basically calling to me. It's leather-bound pages were screaming to me to read them and see what had been going through Jack's mind through all that we went through together. Finally, a week before I was due, I gave in to temptation and read his journal. What I found was endearing and excruciating all at the same time...
August 5, 1942
Met Miss Susana McCawley today at the grocers. She's Rafe McCawley's little sister! A might pretty, she was...she was a little strange though. I got invited to her house for dinner so I'm goin' to go.
It'll be an honor to spend time with Rafe...I idolize him and just about everyone knows it. What I wouldn't give to have flown with him in the force.
August 6, 1942
Last night I kissed Susie. I thought everything went great, but she ran away screaming. I'm hoping to mend the situation if I can. I'll go to the house tonight and I'll tell her how I feel 'bout us. I think we should give it a chance. I know she was i love with a boy in the war. And I know that he died. somone once told me who he was but i was pretty drunk at the time. oh well. she needs to move on with her life, and why not move on to me?
November 4, 1942
I asked Susie to marry me today, and she said yes! I'm gonna be the happiest man alive with her by my side. Life will be great, we'll buy a great little house right by her brother and his family and grow up all old together...i can't wait...
March 16, 1943
I know I'm going to die soon...they can't hide that from me. And Suze, well she won't listen. She thinks I'm going to get better and we'll be able to be happy again. I wish I could tell her to leave me now, to just go on. I'm useless, completely. She wants to have kids, but she doesn't know...I can't. I just can't, and I also can't help it. I was just--born that way, I guess. She wants so bad to have a little baby with me, but I can't even give her that. I don't want to tell her, I don't want her to be even more upset. So I'll wait...
I slammed the book shut. He had to have made a mistake because here I was, nine months later, with a belly he size of a prize-winning watermelon. There had to be some sort of mistake, something out of the blue that we couldn't have foreseen. Tears rolled down my cheeks. Jack had died without knowing about his baby. I didn't even get the chance to tell him.
Suddenly, I felt a sharp pain in my stomach. And then another.
"Rafe!!" I screamed. "EVELYNN!!!!"
They came running into the room and saw what was going on. Eve drove to the hospital as Rafe held me in his lap and tried to comfort me.
...On April 19th, 1943 I gave birth to a little boy whom I named Matthew, after my father. He was so beautiful, such a darling baby. But as he grew bigger, I began to notice things...strange things. His father had been blonde, and I had dark blonde hair like Rafe's, but Matthew had hair of the darkest brown. My eyes were green and Jack's blue, but the baby's were deep brown and deepset. I couldn't help but think of how much he looked like my Danny as a young boy. Everytime I looked at Matt, it was like seeing Danny again as a twelve year-old, running through the fields with Rafe. It was like God had given me Danny again. I mean, it did seem impossible that he was even here, what with Jack's impotence and the fact that he looked less and less like the offspring of a blonde-haired blue-eyed soldier every day. It was weird, but I couldn't complain. Watching Matthew grow up was like reliving my childhood through older eyes. But times got depressing, and the flashbacks more current, as I watched him play, I longed for those Tennessee days with Danny, the long days by the creek and on Stanley Drive. The warm air burning my scalp, and the sun tanning my little figure. I couldn't stay like this any longer...
"Momma!" Matt called, running into the house.
"What is it baby?" I asked, wiping away my tears and covering the piece of paper in front of me.
"I'm goin' to Danny's okay?"
"That's fine baby. Be careful."
"What's the matter Ma?"
"Nothin Matthew, but come here and give me a hug, okay?"
The little boy came over, confused, as I held him close and gave him a big kiss on the forehead.
"I love you," I urged, "Don't you ever forget that."
"I know, mom, but I'm gonna be late! I love you too!"
He ran outside and I resumed my writing. It read:
Rafe and Evelynn,
I love you two more than life, you two and little Danny and my Matthew. But I can't bear this any longer. I'm not happy anymore, and why should I stay here if I'm not happy? I'll be a burden on all of you. Take care of Matty, watch him real close and tell him his Momma'll come and give him hell if he screws up! It's better this way. I'll be with Danny again. Finally. Please, don't ever forget me. and Rafe, I love oyu. You're my big brother. Please, don't let the past haunt you anymore...be happy and be proud that you have such a wonderful family. Take Matthew as you're own and teach him to be good like you were. Tell him his mommy loved him. I need to go now.
Love You Always,
Susie
Crying a little bit, I folded the letter and placed it in the envelope marked for Rafe and Eve. I set it on my desk and then, sitting on the bed, I pulled out the pistol that Jack had always kept for safe-keeping. In my other hand, I held the purple heart that I had recieved in memory of Danny. Fingering it gently, I placed the barrell at my temple and, letting out one cry before doing it, I pulled the trigger.
********************************************************************************** The sun beat down on my face as I lay sprawled out on the grass in front of my house. I lifted up my arm and looked at it's tiny length. I was sixteen again. Standing up quickly I looked around, my hand guarding my eyes in a salute. The house was painted white still, and the barn was in tact by the field. I heard a holler from above and looked up. Rafe flew past in the cropduster, waving his scrawny arms and smiling. I waved back, a tear making it's way down my cheek. A voice from inside brought me to attention.
"Susie darlin', tell your brother to come down and have some breakfast!"
It was Momma, momma who had died all those years ago in a car accident. My beautiful Momma. I could hear her talking to Daddy inside, my big strong father. Before I could open the screen door to see them, I heard a cough from the walkway. Turning around, I saw him standing there.
His brown hair was swept in a million different directions, and the sun shone across his chiseled face. The brown of his eyes stood out against his tan body, his white tank top a bit dirty from goofing aorund with Rafe, and his slacks torn here and there. I slowly walked down the porch steps towards him until we stood face to face. i looked at the ground, unable to speak, as I began to cry.
He brought his hand to my face and wiped them away. Cupping my cheek in his palm, he turned my face towards his and looked into my eyes. It was him, he was real and we were young again, together at my house with Momma and Daddy and Rafe.
"I told you I'd always be with you," he whispered, smiling as he ran his fingers through my hair, which was long, as it used to be.
"I never doubted you," I said quietly as he pulled me to him.
Our lips met and I felt warmth inside me again, as I had all those years ago. I knew then that I had found heaven.
**********************************************************************************
The gun clicked uselessly as I caught my breath. Bullets, i had forgotten bullets. It was then that I heard Matthew running back in the house.
"Momma!" he called
"What is it sweetheart?" I answered, still recovering from what I had almost done.
"Rafe's gonna fly! He wants you to come and see!!"
I laughed excitedly at the thought of Rafe's recovery and stood up.
Tossing the note into the trash and placing the gun back into the cabinet, I looked steadily out the window at the blue sky.
"I'll be with you again someday, Danny," I whispered, smiling. "And when that day comes, I'll never let go."
**********************************************************************************
Danny found himself kissing the air and realized that Susie had gone back.
"Someday, Suze," he whispered, gazing up at the sun as it warmed the ground where he stood. "Someday, we'll have eachother again...someday..."
**********************************************************************************
"Susie! No smokin' in the house while Danny's awake!" Rafe yelled through the door.
I laughed quietly, and continued to puff away. My mind began to wander, thinking about when Danny really WAS awake. There was no real complication then, there was no Jack...heck, there wasn't even nobody to be in love with in those early days. Lord, I missed those times...
**********************************************************************************
"Come on!" Rafe yelled at me as I looked questionably at him. "It'll be fun, he'll never know!"
Rafe, always the "rebel" had decided to take Daddy's pick-up for a ride through the country-side. He and Danny sat in the truck, looking pleadingly at me as I made my decision.
"Okay," I offered, "But if we get in trouble, I'm not taking all the blame!"
I hopped in and we sped away, not even knowing where we planned to go. Cops were scarce around here, especially at lunchtime. Now, if there had been more police to watch out for we never would've gone. Rafe was never one to drive safely and neither was Danny. I'd never driven before, so I didn't have to worry. Or so I thought.
They pulled the truck to a halt at the side of a long, barren road.
"Alright Suze," Danny grinned mischieviously, "Get in the driver's seat."
"What??" I squealed, holding myself down to the seat i was in, right between the two of 'em/
Rafe got out and moved over to the passenger side, shoving us all down the line. The weight of the two bigger boys forced me to slide behind the wheel. Dammit, I thought, I'm gonna crash it.
"Now put it in gear, you know how to do that, I've seen you practicin' before," Rafe pushed.
I did as I was told.
"Now push down on the gas and--"
Once again, I did as I was told and we sped off down the drive.
This wasn't so hard after all, I though, laughing excitedly.
"Slow down Suze!" Danny yelled next to me.
"Why?? I thought you boys wanted to have some fun..." I taunted.
"Well we wanna take a rest, pull into Stanley over there," Danny directed, pointing me to our usual hangout, Stanley Drive.
The pickup screeched to a halt and we all jumped out, sweating from the intense June heat.
"Nice job girly," Rafe laughed, slapping me on the shoulder good-heartedly.
"I must agree, you did good," Danny joked, winking.
"Shut up! It was my first time!" I yelled behind them, as they sauntered away down the road.
Rafe, turned his head back. "That's what they all say, Susie Q."
Ever the comedian, my brother.
"And grab the beer outta the back!" he yelled.
A few hours, and a few drinks, later, the three of us sat around in a circle, just ramblin' on about nothing in particular.
"So's I was thinkin'," Rafe began to slur.
"Bout what?" Danny slurred back.
"I dunno, but I know i was thinkin' bout somethin..."
"That's always good, man. Susie gimme a smoke."
I tossed Danny the pack and watched him light up. Rafe stood up and began to walk around aimlessly.
"You keep takin' mine and I'm gonna hafta start chargin' you," I threatened jokingly.
"Ohh, I'm scared, really I am. Say, where's Rafe?"
"Damned if I know he just got up and--ARGH!!!"
A big shove from behind threw me stumbling into the creek.
"RAFE!!!!' I screamed angrily as I got out and proceeded to throw him in. Unfortunately for me, he grabbed hold of my leg an tried to bring me with him. Sensing this I grabbed Danny's arm to keep me up but Rafe's got some muscle in him and all three of us went tumblin' into the water.
A pretty big wrestling match ensued which I, luckily, was left out of. Getting out , I snuck over to the pickup and hopped in. Turning the keys I stuck my head out the window.
"Bye boys!" I hollered, snickering.
"Susie wait!" Danny screamed running from the creek.
"You can't leave us here! That's not fair," Rafe gasped as he tried to catch up.
Putting it in gear, I drove out onto the road, Rafe and Danny running behind me, soaking wet. Finally, I heard a thud as Danny jumped into the truck bed. A second thud was hear as he pulled Rafe in. Rafe slid open the window in the back.
"Nice job kid," he said ruffling my hair.
"Once 'gain," Danny laughed from behind, "I must agree. You did good, Suze."
**********************************************************************************
...A knock on my bedroom door interrupted my thoughts.
"Susie? It's me, Jack," a voice echoeed through my room. "Can I come in, please? Just to talk, I promise. Susie? Rafe said you were in here, please can we talk?"
Oh Danny, I thought, wiping the remaining tears off my face. I did good for you then, but am I doing good now?...
...Jack had come to apologize for the fiasco that I, not he, had instigated the night before. I liked hi m, I did, but it would take some getting used to. Simply put, all that damned guilt I felt over moving on from Danny, my one completely true love, would take a while to get over. Opening the door to the blonde, built, and somehow innocently rugged "boy", however, almost made me lightheaded...
"Are you okay today?" Jack asked, concerned, after we had moved our conversation to the front porch.
"Fine," I responded, pouring some lemonade for the two of us. "Last night just stirred up some...memories, is all. Those things can be dangerous."
"Memories of what?"
"I'd rather not say, I'm sorry."
"You know, i really do think we'd get along good if you gave us a chance."
"Jack we've only known eachother a week. You sure you wanna try this out so soon?"
"I know we can make it work if we get to know eachother, and take it slowly," he responded, emphasizing on the last word as if trying to make me feel more comfortable.
"But you know hardly anythin' about me!" I exclaimed, surprised at his forwardness, and at the same time his honesty.
"If you insist...I'll give this a try. We can see a movie in town maybe?"
"Tomorrow night, if that's okay."
"That'd be f ine."
"Say, where's Rafe at today?"
"You really admire my brother, don't you?"
"I do Suze. When I was growin up around here I used to watch him and his best friend...Walker, I think it was?...flying around in cropdusters doin' all kinds of crazy shit."
"They were quite a duo, those two," I smiled, remembering when they first tried to play chicken and ended up 100 feet away from eachother at the turn.
"Wonder whatever happened to that Walker kid," he pondered. I flinched at the familiar name.
**********************************************************************************"...Shows what you know, Walker..."
**********************************************************************************
"He..well, he died in the war..."
"Ya don't say? That's too bad. He sure seemed to be a good kid."
"Yes, he was. The best I've ever known."
**********************************************************************************
"...I couldn't let you miss out on something like that, now could I?..."
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"I'm sorry, you seem upset now. I take it you two were close?"
"He was my best friend. But it's no matter, gotta come to terms with it anyway. More lemonade?"
"No thanks," Jack answered with a smile. "I'm gonna go home and clean up the place. I"ll be seein' you tomorrow, around eight, alright?"
"Eight'd be fine, don 't keep me waitin!" I answered, grinning back.
"See ya then Susie," he winked and turned around. As he walked to his car I realized exactly how much I was fallin' for him.
Oh dear Lord Suze, I scolded myself, Don't let yourself go on this boy! You could never fully love him, and then you'll probably wind up hurtin' him more than you'll ever know...
...Despite my own warnings to myself, I knew that I needed the kind of affection that Jack wasx giving me. We pursued a fairly normal relationship with eachother. He said he loved me, he couldn't live without me. I, on occasion, told him that I loved him too. I let him believe that he was my one true love. Don't get me wrong, It was a wonderful relationship, but I'd already experienced my soulmate. Jack was such a wonderful, giving man, though, and we got along great. One day, though, something changed. He got real serious, and so did the whole damned situation...
"You know, Suze," Jack mumbled, barely above a whisper as we walked through the flower garden in the back of the house. "Things been really good between us lately. I love you with all my heart, you know that, and so...i was thinkin'...maybe..."
"Spit it out already!" I laughed, not really knowing what to expect, although it should have been obvious.
"What do ya think of marriage?" Before I could answer, he continued, "'Cause, see, I wanna spend the rest of my life with a great girl like you and I figured 'Why not get a head start on it?' So, I got you this ring...it's not much...but I hope you'll take it and say you'll marry me someday?"
"I..." I couldn't think of anything to say. I searched and searched and searched within myself for the answer, and still everything seemed so confused. In the back of my head, though, I knew what I should say.
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"... If anything happens I want you to remember me always. I want you to go on with your life, okay?..."
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Okay Danny, I thought morbidly, This is what you wanted.
"I will," I smiled happily at Jack.
"Oh Suze I promise I'll make you happy!" he exclaimed picking me up in a big hug.
I knew he would, but only as my best friend...I felt a love for him that I also shared for Rafe, Evelynn, and Danny. This love was pure, but it was not the love he needed, and I new that sooner or later he would realize that and be heartbroken. For now, however, he deserved to be loved and to be married...he was a great, great man, my Jack.
...Jack and I were wed in a small but beautiful ceremony at the church in town. It was a nice marriage from the beginning, and we got along great. I found myself unable to have a baby, though. I couldn't explain why, but it was as if God didn't want me to reproduce. Another obstacle in my life, but I managed to move on. Jack was starting to get pretty damn sickly, and a lot of the time he had to stay in bed. He seemed to be fine at heart though. Rafe's little family was doing well, Evelynn had just recovered from the flu and was in high spirits, and little Danny was readin', all by himself. But things got pretty bad the day Rafe showed up on my front porch, sobbing like a newborn baby...
The knockin' came rapidly and lously.
"Jesus, I'm coming already!" I yelled at the mystery visitor. It was nearly evelen at night, who in the hell would be here this late?
I opened the door to see Rafe, shivering and crying like a madman.
"Oh my god," I muttered, pulling him inside gently and shutting the door behind him. "Rafe, baby, what'sa matter?"
"I...car...the plane....!" he broke down and fell into the couch in a heap of tears and redness.
"Explain it to me now darlin...slowly, okay? I'm here, it's alright now, you can tell me."
"Well, I-I-I got into the t-truck and went to the pharmacy to pick up Eve's medicine and th-th-then I was driving home and this big noise popped outside, it sounded like a g-g-gun..."
"Go on," I consoled him, rubbing his back and fixing his hair.
"W-well suddenly I blacked out. I was in the plane again in europe and the damned bastar shot me down and-and..." he wailed and wailed, as I put two and two together.
"You had a flashback?"
Rafe nodded, looking up with those big, puppy-dog eyes of his.
"Aw honey, I get those all the time. You just have to get used to them. There's no point in crying now, that's the past--it's over and done with. If you move on, you'll tend to get em less often until you don't get em anymore."
Liar, I scolded myself. You still picture Danny as flesh at least twice a day.
"You really think so, Suze? You think it'll be alright?"
"I know so, guy. Now come on, I'll drive you home."
"Hey girly?" he motioned as we walked out the door.
"Yea?"
"I love you."
"Love you too."
...I drove Rafe home that night, concerned about how terrified he must feel to be reliving those times. Little did I know that this was merely the beginning of all our troubles. I was about to lose somebody else, and, at the same time, gain someody new...
...There was a regression following Rafe's episode. Jack's condition worsened, and nobody could explain what went wrong. I was confused, I didn't love him completely but I still loved him. So I stayed by his side most of the time, wondering what to do. Evelynn would stop by with Danny Jr. every day and we would eat outside and watch the sky. Often, Rafe would come and keep Jack company. Life was good and bad at the same time, and none of us knew what would happen, or how it would change us all...
Shieldin my eyes with my hand, I looked up to the clouds and watched our neighbor in the crop duster, mindin' our fields. Jack was out of the question to do it, and Rafe refused to go into another plane after his flashbacks.
"Would you look at how easy that thing flies," he mumbled quietly.
"Don't pay any mind to it, darling," Evelynn soothed.
Standing up quietly, i excused myself to go to the bathroom.
The house was quiet inside, and the wooden floorboards creaked and groaned under my feet as I crept to Jack's dor and peered in. He slept quietly, drooling on the pillow as usual. I'd wait to wake him up. I would know today--today there would be no doubt.
Holding my stomach, I edged my way to the bathroom and slunk inside. A wave of nausea swept over me and I quickly upped the lid of the toilet and let it go.
"Shit," I said to myself. I knew I was going to be having a baby. Eve knew too, but Jack was too sick to help me take care of him. Hopefully, he'd get better soon and then we could be happy again.
I hiked up my skirt for one more check, and, as expected, there was nothing. I was two months late.
"It's now or never," I coaxed myself. Opening the door and walking in to the hallway, I caught my breath and prepared myself.
"Jack? Honey wake up I need to tell you something!" I called, walking quickly towards his room, the door slightly ajar.
I eased my way inside and approached his sleeping form. God, he was so sweet. I could hardly wait for him to get better, and then we'd have picnics out by the garden again like old times.
"Wake up sweety," I urged, pushing his shoulder lightly. As I did so, his pale body moved and I could see his "drool" more clearly--it was blood.
Jack??" I cried, grabbing his hand and shaking him around. "Jack wake up!! I'm having a baby!"
In all my horror, I heard footsteps come running down the hallway. Rafe burst in the door, Evelynn following.
"Suze, move aside okay?? I'll take care of this girly," he said, moving me to the wall and kneeling beside Jack's bed.
I knew he was dead, I knew it would happen...I just couldn't come to terms with it in time.
Evelynn came to my side and held me as I cried.
"Not again," I sobbed against her shoulder. "Not again..."
...In the months following Jack's death, I was like a zombie. The doctor said that there had been internal bleeding in his stomach from a fall on the farm that he hadn't paid any mind to. His room was cleaned out and everything of his was placed in boxes. Everything except his journal. I kept it by my bedside and swore to never read it, until one day, out of curiousity, I flipped through the pages...
The book was basically calling to me. It's leather-bound pages were screaming to me to read them and see what had been going through Jack's mind through all that we went through together. Finally, a week before I was due, I gave in to temptation and read his journal. What I found was endearing and excruciating all at the same time...
August 5, 1942
Met Miss Susana McCawley today at the grocers. She's Rafe McCawley's little sister! A might pretty, she was...she was a little strange though. I got invited to her house for dinner so I'm goin' to go.
It'll be an honor to spend time with Rafe...I idolize him and just about everyone knows it. What I wouldn't give to have flown with him in the force.
August 6, 1942
Last night I kissed Susie. I thought everything went great, but she ran away screaming. I'm hoping to mend the situation if I can. I'll go to the house tonight and I'll tell her how I feel 'bout us. I think we should give it a chance. I know she was i love with a boy in the war. And I know that he died. somone once told me who he was but i was pretty drunk at the time. oh well. she needs to move on with her life, and why not move on to me?
November 4, 1942
I asked Susie to marry me today, and she said yes! I'm gonna be the happiest man alive with her by my side. Life will be great, we'll buy a great little house right by her brother and his family and grow up all old together...i can't wait...
March 16, 1943
I know I'm going to die soon...they can't hide that from me. And Suze, well she won't listen. She thinks I'm going to get better and we'll be able to be happy again. I wish I could tell her to leave me now, to just go on. I'm useless, completely. She wants to have kids, but she doesn't know...I can't. I just can't, and I also can't help it. I was just--born that way, I guess. She wants so bad to have a little baby with me, but I can't even give her that. I don't want to tell her, I don't want her to be even more upset. So I'll wait...
I slammed the book shut. He had to have made a mistake because here I was, nine months later, with a belly he size of a prize-winning watermelon. There had to be some sort of mistake, something out of the blue that we couldn't have foreseen. Tears rolled down my cheeks. Jack had died without knowing about his baby. I didn't even get the chance to tell him.
Suddenly, I felt a sharp pain in my stomach. And then another.
"Rafe!!" I screamed. "EVELYNN!!!!"
They came running into the room and saw what was going on. Eve drove to the hospital as Rafe held me in his lap and tried to comfort me.
...On April 19th, 1943 I gave birth to a little boy whom I named Matthew, after my father. He was so beautiful, such a darling baby. But as he grew bigger, I began to notice things...strange things. His father had been blonde, and I had dark blonde hair like Rafe's, but Matthew had hair of the darkest brown. My eyes were green and Jack's blue, but the baby's were deep brown and deepset. I couldn't help but think of how much he looked like my Danny as a young boy. Everytime I looked at Matt, it was like seeing Danny again as a twelve year-old, running through the fields with Rafe. It was like God had given me Danny again. I mean, it did seem impossible that he was even here, what with Jack's impotence and the fact that he looked less and less like the offspring of a blonde-haired blue-eyed soldier every day. It was weird, but I couldn't complain. Watching Matthew grow up was like reliving my childhood through older eyes. But times got depressing, and the flashbacks more current, as I watched him play, I longed for those Tennessee days with Danny, the long days by the creek and on Stanley Drive. The warm air burning my scalp, and the sun tanning my little figure. I couldn't stay like this any longer...
"Momma!" Matt called, running into the house.
"What is it baby?" I asked, wiping away my tears and covering the piece of paper in front of me.
"I'm goin' to Danny's okay?"
"That's fine baby. Be careful."
"What's the matter Ma?"
"Nothin Matthew, but come here and give me a hug, okay?"
The little boy came over, confused, as I held him close and gave him a big kiss on the forehead.
"I love you," I urged, "Don't you ever forget that."
"I know, mom, but I'm gonna be late! I love you too!"
He ran outside and I resumed my writing. It read:
Rafe and Evelynn,
I love you two more than life, you two and little Danny and my Matthew. But I can't bear this any longer. I'm not happy anymore, and why should I stay here if I'm not happy? I'll be a burden on all of you. Take care of Matty, watch him real close and tell him his Momma'll come and give him hell if he screws up! It's better this way. I'll be with Danny again. Finally. Please, don't ever forget me. and Rafe, I love oyu. You're my big brother. Please, don't let the past haunt you anymore...be happy and be proud that you have such a wonderful family. Take Matthew as you're own and teach him to be good like you were. Tell him his mommy loved him. I need to go now.
Love You Always,
Susie
Crying a little bit, I folded the letter and placed it in the envelope marked for Rafe and Eve. I set it on my desk and then, sitting on the bed, I pulled out the pistol that Jack had always kept for safe-keeping. In my other hand, I held the purple heart that I had recieved in memory of Danny. Fingering it gently, I placed the barrell at my temple and, letting out one cry before doing it, I pulled the trigger.
********************************************************************************** The sun beat down on my face as I lay sprawled out on the grass in front of my house. I lifted up my arm and looked at it's tiny length. I was sixteen again. Standing up quickly I looked around, my hand guarding my eyes in a salute. The house was painted white still, and the barn was in tact by the field. I heard a holler from above and looked up. Rafe flew past in the cropduster, waving his scrawny arms and smiling. I waved back, a tear making it's way down my cheek. A voice from inside brought me to attention.
"Susie darlin', tell your brother to come down and have some breakfast!"
It was Momma, momma who had died all those years ago in a car accident. My beautiful Momma. I could hear her talking to Daddy inside, my big strong father. Before I could open the screen door to see them, I heard a cough from the walkway. Turning around, I saw him standing there.
His brown hair was swept in a million different directions, and the sun shone across his chiseled face. The brown of his eyes stood out against his tan body, his white tank top a bit dirty from goofing aorund with Rafe, and his slacks torn here and there. I slowly walked down the porch steps towards him until we stood face to face. i looked at the ground, unable to speak, as I began to cry.
He brought his hand to my face and wiped them away. Cupping my cheek in his palm, he turned my face towards his and looked into my eyes. It was him, he was real and we were young again, together at my house with Momma and Daddy and Rafe.
"I told you I'd always be with you," he whispered, smiling as he ran his fingers through my hair, which was long, as it used to be.
"I never doubted you," I said quietly as he pulled me to him.
Our lips met and I felt warmth inside me again, as I had all those years ago. I knew then that I had found heaven.
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The gun clicked uselessly as I caught my breath. Bullets, i had forgotten bullets. It was then that I heard Matthew running back in the house.
"Momma!" he called
"What is it sweetheart?" I answered, still recovering from what I had almost done.
"Rafe's gonna fly! He wants you to come and see!!"
I laughed excitedly at the thought of Rafe's recovery and stood up.
Tossing the note into the trash and placing the gun back into the cabinet, I looked steadily out the window at the blue sky.
"I'll be with you again someday, Danny," I whispered, smiling. "And when that day comes, I'll never let go."
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Danny found himself kissing the air and realized that Susie had gone back.
"Someday, Suze," he whispered, gazing up at the sun as it warmed the ground where he stood. "Someday, we'll have eachother again...someday..."
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