Author's Note: I've caught the angst bug. This is end of October, 1960.
Next chapter will be Christmas 1963.
Feedback: love it. Here or jedbartlet@another.com
Jed and the girls are already downstairs when I wake to the smell of french toast and the sound of friendly conversation from the kitchen. I always tend to sleep deeper and more soundly when I go to bed sober. I feel like I haven't been to sleep at all, though. This whole week seems like some sort of surreal dream.
It's very early. The sky is just beginning to light up over the city. Jed is standing in front of the stove, his shirt unbuttoned and his hair tousled. Lizzie comes over and gives me a hug as I come into the kitchen, and Josie smiles at me. I still can't believe that I'm not going to be able to see my sisters whenever I want.
"Jed, you need a haircut," Lizzie says as she sits back down at the kitchen table. "Josie and I will take you to the barber this morning after we've got the house clean."
"I don't know, Liz," Jed say, not turning from the stove. "I was thinking about growing it out."
"Oh, gross," says Josie. Jed turns and winks at me, and then serves the first slices of french toast to the girls.
I come back downstairs after showering and getting dressed in the nicest clothes I have. Aunt Mary is dressed in all black, but the smile she gives me as I enter the room makes the grieving clothes seem inappropriate somehow. Aunt Mary has always been so cheerful and happy. It was strange when Aunt Frances died, and it's even stranger now.
"Aunt Elizabeth is going to be here shortly," she says to me as she gathers her purse and jacket. "She just phoned to let me know the train is stopped in Davenport but she should be here by lunch time. I've given Jed the information so he and the girls can meet her at the station."
"Yes, ma'am," I say. It's still raining outside, which is appropriate enough I guess. Josie and Liz have already started cleaning the house, and Jed is in the shower.
"Josie," my aunt calls into the kitchen. Josie peeks around the corner. "We're going to meet with Father Joe and get Leo a suit," she says. I wasn't expecting her to buy me a new suit. My old one is a little snug, but it would do just fine. "We'll be back for lunch and then I'll take you girls out for dresses."
"Yes, ma'am," Josie says, and returns to her cleaning. The house is going to be full of people tonight, and we'll have to do all this cleaning again tomorrow.
I hold the door open for Aunt Mary and follow her up the sidewalk until she stops to hail a cab. Mom always liked to walk to St. Clement's unless it was raining or snowing. I think it reminded her of Boston.
I have always liked Father Joe. He's just a few years older than Mom was, and he's always very real with me. He never likes to sugar coat anything. When my church attendance steadily dropped off before graduation, he came to the house one evening and made sure I was doing all right. He's a genuine good person. And Mom always adored him.
He's walking around the sanctuary straightening prayer books when Aunt Mary and I enter. He signals for us to follow him and we walk through the sanctuary back to his office. It's a small, tidy room and it sort of smells like peppermint. I wonder why that is.
Aunt Mary and Father Joe talk for a while, and I try to pay attention, but nothing really seems real. I look around the room at all the books and papers and icons on the walls. I try to picture Jed in an office like this, but all I get is a picture of him with his feet propped up on the desk, smoking a cigarette and fanning the smoke out an open window above his head. This thought makes me smile, and I guess Father Joe notices.
"Leo?" He says, and I sit up straighter in the chair.
"Yes, sir?"
"How are you doing?"
"I'm all right, father. I'm pretty tired."
"I can imagine. Did you finish your midterms?"
"No, sir. I'll finish them when I get back to school," I say, and he looks at me with sympathy.
"Is Jed still studying for priesthood?"
"No, sir," I smile. "He met a girl and he swears up and down that they're meant to be married. He's going to apply to the economics department next semester."
"Jed would have been a good priest. He has the love for people," Father Joe smiles. "He's smart, too."
"Yes, sir," I say.
"Would you like to read tonight, Leo?"
I pause. I read at Aunt Frances' funeral, and it was difficult. I wasn't even that close to Aunt Frances, but the emotion of the room is sort of overwhelming when you're standing in front of everyone.
"I'd like to, father, but I'm not sure I can," I say. "I think Josie might be able to get through it better than I could."
"I was thinking you could do the first reading, and Josie and Liz could do the second one together," Father Joe says. I nod. I can do it. Nothing is impossible.
"Do you have pallbearers, sir?"
"I have four. You and Jed make six," he says. Aunt Mary reaches over and rubs my arm.
"Jed is going to give the eulogy, father," she says. "I feel like she needs someone to say things in a way that none of us can put them. Jed speaks from the heart. His words come effortlessly. Kate always loved hearing Jed read or speak."
I nod. Jed never failed to make Mom smile, even if he was just reading some blurb in the newspaper.
Aunt Mary nearly drags me into the store to get me a suit. I tried to tell her that my other suit is fine, but she tells me I look like an idiot. I try on several before finding a nice black one. It fits just right. She also buys me black suspenders and a black neck tie. Lucky for me I bought new dress shoes before I went to Michigan, or we'd be in the shoe store for the next hour.
We get back to the house around one, and Aunt Elizabeth is in the kitchen making sandwiches. I poke my head around the corner, and she giggles as she gets a look at me. I haven't seen Aunt Elizabeth since Aunt Frances died. She lives in Maryland. Her husband, Uncle Ray, is a navy officer.
"Oh, Leo, you've grown into your age since the last time I saw you," she says and hugs me. "You must be about thirty-two now, right?"
"No, no. I'm just nineteen now," I smile, and then take a look around the house. Everything is spotless.
"Josie! Lizzie! Come get your lunch," she shouts in the direction of the ceiling. "Are you hungry, Leo?"
"Not really," I say. I haven't been hungry since Wednesday. Josie and Lizzie come down the stairs, fresh from the showers. They've braided each others' hair. "Lizzie, you've even got freckles on the back of your neck," I tease as she walks by. She sticks her tongue out at me and sits down at the table.
Aunt Mary comes in and Aunt Elizabeth gives her a big hug. They all sit down at the table to eat.
"Where's Jed?" I say, just noticing he hasn't come down.
"He was going to get a newspaper, I think," Lizzie says. "He wanted to check up on Jack. The last debate is tonight, you know."
I'd completely forgotten about the debate.
"Make sure you compliment his haircut, Leo," Josie says. "It's completely different."
Just then, Jed walks in the front door, and shakes some of the rain water of the top of his head. His hair looks exactly the same as it always does.
"Nice haircut," I say. "Josie said you tried something completely different."
"I did! My part is farther over," he says. I roll my eyes.
"Don't you own an umbrella? You're tracking water all over the place," I say.
"Umbrellas are completely useless," he says. "Besides, every time I bother to use one, it breaks. I have terrible luck with umbrellas."
"Get a paper?"
"What? Oh, no. I forgot," he says, and sort of blushes
.
"Well, what were you doing?"
"I went down the street to use the pay phone. I told Abbey I'd call her today," Jed smiles.
"And?"
"And what?"
"How is she?"
"Well, she's not home yet. I guess it didn't occur to me that she and Ron were taking the train into Boston. She won't be home until around six I'd imagine," Jed says.
"Oh," I say.
"I talked to her mother though. She didn't seem too pleased," Jed smiled even bigger.
"What are you smiling about?" I sit down as he messes with his hair in the reflection of the window.
"Abbey's afraid of her parents. She's been on and off with Ron since she was fifteen, you know. I think she's summoning her strength and she's going to tell her parents they can't boss her around anymore," Jed says. He's positively glowing. It's really kinda scary. "She loves me, Leo."
"Yes, well, how could you not?" I say sarcastically. He whaps the back of my head.
"I'm serious. I watch her with Ron. And I watch her with me. She's different with me. She's ... I don't know ... she's more alive. She's fiery, she's opinionated, and she's beautiful. And with Ron, back in Boston, it's sort of like she's the window dressing for Ron's perfect life. She deserves more than that, Leo. She deserves someone who's not going to smother her. Someone who will take care of her when she's needs it, but in the meantime will let her take care of herself."
"And you're that person," I say, giving him my questioning look.
"Yes," he says, and he's completely serious. I never thought I'd live to see the day that Jed Bartlet got this ridiculous over a girl. He barely knew they existed until September.
"Well, okay," I say. I hear dishes clang in the sink and Aunt Mary telling the girls to get ready to go out.
"They're going to buy new dresses," Jed says.
"I know," I sigh. "I can't remember the last time either of them got a new dress."
"Yeah," Jed sighs too. We sit there and watch as my aunts usher my sisters out the door, telling us they'll be home by three.
"So the last debate is on tonight," I say, after they leave.
"Yeah," Jed says.
I'm startled when Jed puts his hand on my shoulder at the end of the service. I barely got through my reading, and I
had to bite my lip not to sob outright when Josie and Lizzie were reading. The mass was fine. Father Joe always does a good job. Jed began to speak and I felt like I was reliving my childhood. The way he spoke of my mother honestly made me jealous that I couldn't do the same. I don't have the gift of speech like he does.
I must have been completely caught up in some memory when Jed puts his hand on my shoulder. The pipe organ is swelling in the background, and it's time to carry my mother out of the church. He sort of holds on to my arm as we walk up the aisle and across the altar. I suppose he thinks my knees are going to give up on me. Sometimes I think he's reading my mind.
Jed and I pick up the front two corners. The weight of the casket surprises me. My mother had wasted away to practically nothing, and I suppose that was what I was prepared to pick up. Liz has buried her head into Josephine's side, and I can't look Josie in the eye. Aunt Mary and Aunt Elizabeth are standing behind them, watching me with a mixture of what I assume is sorrow and pride. We walk solemnly out of the church, and I am so caught up in a memory of my mother teaching me the Lord's Prayer that I'm surprised to be at the back of the hurse.
Jed starts to lower his corner, and realizes I haven't moved. Part of me wants to just stand here forever, holding her. He reaches out and squeezes my arm, and I relent. I put my mother down in the back of a hurse and help the other men slide the casket into the vehicle. Then Jed has collected the scattered pieces of his best friend and we get in the car to go to the cemetery for the Rite of Commital.
It's cold and windy outside, and as we stand next to the dark, empty place in which my mother's body will be spending eternity, I suddenly become aware that it's still raining. Father Joe is giving the rite quickly, and the next thing I know Lizzie and Josie have taken both my hands and we're throwing dirt on the casket. I feel like I would throw up if there was anything on my stomach.
When we arrive back at the house, it's full of people I probably should know but don't remember. Everyone is eating and speaking quietly. I hear a few people recall how graceful my mother was; how eloquent and soft-spoken. They say it's amazing that she produced children that are so alike and so completely different. Josie and Liz are both slim and graceful, but hardly soft-spoken. Sometimes I feel like I didn't inherit anything from her. I feel like a carbon copy of my father, which scares me more than anything else in the world.
**************************************************************************** ************
We open the door to Leo's house, and it's packed with people. I knew that Kate McGarry was adored by everyone she ever had contact with ... but I'm surprised. I didn't realize she'd been in contact with so many people.
I can tell as soon as we open the door that Leo is overwhelmed. Josie and Lizzie are making their way through the room, accepting sympathy from people they know from church; people Leo hasn't seen for almost a year. I point Leo in the direction of the living room and then I head for the liquor.
It's extremely hard for me to admit that a drink will help Leo the most right now. My father always says 'No one ever said the truth won't hurt.' I go into the kitchen and get the glass that Leo likes. I've never figured out why he likes it so much. It's very heavy, and if he drops it it will shatter. But it's his favorite, so I make sure he has it. I take care not to chip the ice as I make his drink, as he maintains this is important as well. I fix myself a considerably smaller drink and make my way through the crowd to the living room.
He's sitting on the sofa, staring at nothing. I hand him the drink, and he takes a long swallow. Then I flip the television on, and we don't speak as we watch Jack make Nixon look like an ignorant school child. It's amazing to see him, to hear him weave his verbal tapestry. I don't even know if Leo hears any of it, but he's looking at the television. He's soaked to the skin, though I don't think he notices that either.
"Do you want another drink, Leo?"
He doesn't answer, but reaches into the inside pocket of his suit jacket. A flask suddenly appears, and tonight it doesn't bother me. It will later, but not tonight. Tonight he can have whatever he wants. To see Leo in pain is to experience the pain myself.
I open my mouth to tell him I'm going down the street to use the phone, but I don't know that it would matter to him right now. I leave him there on the sofa, turning once as I open the front door to look at him. He looks up at me, nods, and turns back to the television.
The rain in Chicago feels heavier than rain anywhere else. Maybe it's because of the wind. Either way, it hurts as I walk up the street to the corner drug store. The man behind the counter gives me a look. I imagine I do look out of place. It's after eight on a Friday evening, I'm in a black suit, and I'm soaked. I nod at him and make my way through the store to the phone.
It rings a couple times at Abbey's before her father answers.
"Hello?"
"Hello, may I please speak to Abbey?"
There's silence on the line before I hear him bellow to Abbey. More silence.
"Hello?"
"Hey," I say, and I imagine I'm grinning like an idiot as soon as I hear her voice.
"Hey," she says, and she sounds like she's smiling.
"Did you have a good trip?"
"Not particularly. Ron and I fought the whole way here on the train," she sighs. "And apparently he'd called and let my parents know he'd proposed, because as soon as I got in the car at the train station, my mom was searching my hand for a ring."
"Oh," I say. I'm not sure where this is leading.
"Ron thinks I'm spending too much time with you, Jed."
I don't know what to say to that.
"Are you?"
"Not in a million years," she says. "I had a long discussion with my mother this evening. I told her I wasn't planning on accepting Ron's proposal. I told her I want to be a doctor. That's what means the most to me right now. My mother told me the only reason they sent me to school was so Ron and I could be close to each other. She expected us to marry, and me to drop out and start having children. They never expected me to graduate."
"Abbey-"
"But I'm going to graduate, Jed. I'm going to graduate, I'm going to go to Harvard Medical School, and I'm going to start spending my time with who I really want to spend my time with."
"Your botany study group?"
"No, Jed. I want to spend time with you. You've become my best friend since I met you. I've never been treated like an equal by a man. You don't laugh when I tell you I'm going to Harvard Medical School. You don't laugh when I tell you I'm going to be a surgeon. You believe in me," she cuts me off. "You believe in me, and I'm sorry I've been too afraid to see it. I'm sorry I've taken so long to tell you how much you mean to me."
"You were worth the wait, Abigail," I say. I wish she were here right now. "Easily worth the wait."
The line is quiet for a minute. I don't really know what to say.
"How is Leo?"
"It's been hard for him today. I left him watching the debate. He's drinking," I say.
"You should get back to him, Jed. He needs you right now."
"Yeah," I say.
"When are you going back to South Bend?"
"I'll be leaving Sunday afternoon. I'm going to help the girls get packed and make sure Leo gets on the train all right," I say. "I should be back by ten or eleven."
"Okay," she says. "I'll see you soon. Tell Leo I said hello."
"I will," I say. "Good night, Abbey."
"Good night, Jed."
Leo is asleep on the sofa when I get back to the house. The debate is over. His flask is on the coffee table, and I pick it up to verify that it's empty. It is. There are still a few people talking with Mary and Elizabeth in the other room; Josie and Liz must be upstairs. I walk through the living room to the kitchen and fix myself another drink.
Josie wakes me up. I'm on the floor in the living room, and Leo is sitting up on the couch. It's very sunny outside. I must have fallen asleep in here last night while I was watching Leo.
"We've got to start packing, Jed. Then we have to put all the furniture in storage until summer. Aunt Mary says we'll come out and sell it after school ends in June," Josie says, and sits next to Leo on the couch.
"Good morning," he says to me. I smile at him.
"Abbey told me to tell you hello," I reply. He smiles.
"Have a good talk?"
I nod, then look at Josie. I don't know why I'm uncomfortable talking about Abbey in front of her; God knows we've talked about everything else. She rolls her eyes and leaves the room.
"She broke up with Ron and told her parents off," I say. "She said she wants to spend more time with me. She says I'm the first man that's ever treated her like an equal."
"Do you realize that you're grinning like some sort of derranged ... something?"
"I see all that liquor has done nothing to your vocabulary, Leopold," I smile.
"Shut up," he says.
**************************************************************************** ******************
The house is empty now. It's really quite a depressing sight. I've never seen an empty house before. When Mom moved us from Boston to Chicago, we just packed what we could carry and left. I guess she wanted us out as soon as humanly possible. We finished the school year after Dad died, of course, but then we were gone. The last day we were in Boston, the smell of gunpowder was still in my nose. It took moving to a different state for me to get a breath of fresh air.
Aunt Elizabeth left this morning. She stays busy being an officer's wife. Before she left, she pressed an envelope on me, which contained a hundred dollars cash. I'll give it to Josie before I go back to Michigan. I don't need it.
We spent most of the morning packing up the girls' things. One of the men from church brought a truck after lunch, and we moved the furniture and all the things that wouldn't make it on the train into a storage shed over in Forest Park. I kept the quilt off Mom's bed, and the box of family pictures. There's plenty of room for that stuff in my dorm room.
Aunt Mary and the girls are staying in a hotel tonight in midtown. She's taking us all out to dinner, and then I'm taking Jed out and getting him drunk. I have no idea when I'm going to see him after I get on the train tomorrow. I don't have anywhere to go for Thanksgiving now, and hopefully I'll be in Atlanta for Christmas. I imagine Jed will go to Boston with Abbey if things go as he's planning them to go.
Dinner was very extravagant, but very good nonetheless. I kiss the girls goodnight, and Aunt Mary tells us to behave. If we were cartoon characters, halos would have appeared above my head and Jed's as she looked at us. Her expressions softens, she kisses my forehead, and they leave the restaurant.
"Where are we going?"
"Healy's," I reply simply. We make our way out of the restaurant and set off for the west side.
We arrive, and Jed looks skeptical. I open the door and gesture for him to go in first. Noise spills out into the street from the dark, smoky room. I walk up to the bar and order two pints of Guinness. Jed is sort of hanging by the door, and I shoot him a look. He saunters over, careful not to bump into anyone or make eye contact. I roll my eyes at him as he sits next to me at the bar.
"No one's going to bite, Jed," I say.
"I don't know, Leo. That fellow in the corner looks upset," he answers. I laugh at him.
"Shut up and drink," I say.
The bartender is a nice gentlemen. He warns us of last call for a good twenty minutes before throwing us out of the bar. Jed is completely hammered. My work here is done.
He's babbling on and on about he won't let me be alone on Thanksgiving; he's going to take me to Boston with him. He says if Abbey's parents don't want us, we'll go to the Landinghams. He says he hopes Delores will be in Boston for Thanksgiving, and as soon as he mentions her name his entire mood changes. He tells me how homesick he is; how he wishes he were a better son; how he wishes his father didn't hate him so much.
He's had too much to drink. It's a long walk back to midtown, and we make our way into the hotel where the girls and Aunt Mary are staying. I sit Jed down on a couch in the lobby, and then sit next to him. I don't have the heart to wake Aunt Mary and get into the room. We're both drunk, and I'm sure neither of the girls are in the mood for it.
"I love you, Leo. I don't tell you that enough, but I do. You're my best friend. You're my brother. I wouldn't be me if I'd never met you," Jed mumbles, and rests his head on my shoulder. I slip my arm around his shoulder.
"I love you too, Jed. Now go to sleep," I say.
I sit up all night and listen to the sound of his breathing. My arm has long since fallen asleep when the hotel starts to come back to life around six. I try not to think about the fact that I'm putting my sisters on a train to Atlanta in a few hours and I'm not entirely sure when I'll see them again.
I hear Jed groan next to me, and I poke him in the side.
"Wake up, jackass. You're going to be terribly hungover and you need to get some food on your stomach," I say. He starts mumbling something about punching me in the mouth, and I poke him again. "I'm serious. You're going to be sorry when you start driving if you don't get up and eat."
He sits up and stretches. My arm falls off his shoulder, completely asleep. It takes a couple minutes of his whining before I start to get the worst set of pins and needles I've ever had.
We straggle out of the hotel and down the street to a bakery. I order us both coffee and half a coffee cake. We sit down outside on the curb, and listen to the city come to life as we eat.
"I'm never drinking again," he says after a while. I laugh at him again.
Aunt Mary and my sisters are eating breakfast in the hotel restaurant when Jed and I return. Josephine takes one look at us and shakes her head. Lizzie giggles. Jed's hair is all over the place, and I imagine we both look pretty rumpled.
"Have a nice evening, boys?"
"Poor Jed swears he'll never drink again," I say.
"It's a wonder you're Catholic at all, Josiah," Aunt Mary says. Jed shrugs and looks over at me.
"Is everything all packed?" I ask, and look at my sisters. I can't believe they're leaving.
"Yes, Leo. All we have to do is get it in the cab and get it on the train," Aunt Mary says. "Stop worrying. We'll be fine."
It's my turn to shrug. The girls are quiet this morning. I guess none of us really know what to say. We've never been in this situation before. I always knew when I'd see them again. It's up in the air now. There's no telling if there will be money for the train in December.
Before I know it, we're at the train station. All my stuff is still in a cart, and Jed's standing next to it while I help load everything onto the train. Aunt Mary gives me a hug and promises that we'll be together at Christmas. Then she goes over and hugs Jed, and then gets onto the train. The girls get off the train after getting their things squared away, and go to Jed. He hugs them both, and I hear him promise to write. He promises them that I'll be in Atlanta for Christmas.
"Leo," Lizzie says. I was so caught up in thought that I didn't realize they were standing in front of me.
"Come here," I reply. Both of them wrap their arms around me, and I squeeze as hard as I possibly can. Lizzie is crying into my coat, and as soon as I look at her I'm going to cry too. "I promise to write you. And I want you to write all the time. And telegram if you need anything. I'll try to call once a week. Please be good. Please study hard and mind Aunt Mary."
Josie is crying now too. I look across the platform at Jed, and he looks like he's about to lose it himself.
"Josephine, you take care of Elizabeth," I whisper into her ear. "It's going to be hard, but you can do it. You're going to be fine." She nods into my shoulder. "I love you very much, Josie. Please remember that."
She backs away and looks at me. Then she leans up and kisses my cheek. I squeeze her hand as she starts to walk towards the train. Lizzie is still crying into my shirt. I get down on my knees and look her in the eyes. Sure enough, one look at her and I lose it. I bury my face in her jacket for a minute until I collect myself.
"Lizzie, you take care of Josie. She's going to be working very hard at the new school, and she'll probably worry a lot. But I want you to make sure she doesn't worry too much, okay?" She nods at me. "You keep up your school work, and mind Aunt Mary. I promise to write you, Lizzie."
"I'm going to miss you, Leo. You have to come for Christmas," she manages in between little sobs. "It won't be Christmas without you."
"I promise," I say. She looks at me, tears streaming, and smiles just a little. "I love you."
"I love you too, Leopold," she says, and hugs me very tightly. She kisses the top of my head, and then she too makes her way to the train.
I stand up and watch as the train pulls out of the station. When I can no longer see it, I turn around and look at Jed. He's standing in exactly the same spot, watching me. I make my way back over slowly, and we sit on a bench and wait for my train.
TBC
Feedback: love it. Here or jedbartlet@another.com
Jed and the girls are already downstairs when I wake to the smell of french toast and the sound of friendly conversation from the kitchen. I always tend to sleep deeper and more soundly when I go to bed sober. I feel like I haven't been to sleep at all, though. This whole week seems like some sort of surreal dream.
It's very early. The sky is just beginning to light up over the city. Jed is standing in front of the stove, his shirt unbuttoned and his hair tousled. Lizzie comes over and gives me a hug as I come into the kitchen, and Josie smiles at me. I still can't believe that I'm not going to be able to see my sisters whenever I want.
"Jed, you need a haircut," Lizzie says as she sits back down at the kitchen table. "Josie and I will take you to the barber this morning after we've got the house clean."
"I don't know, Liz," Jed say, not turning from the stove. "I was thinking about growing it out."
"Oh, gross," says Josie. Jed turns and winks at me, and then serves the first slices of french toast to the girls.
I come back downstairs after showering and getting dressed in the nicest clothes I have. Aunt Mary is dressed in all black, but the smile she gives me as I enter the room makes the grieving clothes seem inappropriate somehow. Aunt Mary has always been so cheerful and happy. It was strange when Aunt Frances died, and it's even stranger now.
"Aunt Elizabeth is going to be here shortly," she says to me as she gathers her purse and jacket. "She just phoned to let me know the train is stopped in Davenport but she should be here by lunch time. I've given Jed the information so he and the girls can meet her at the station."
"Yes, ma'am," I say. It's still raining outside, which is appropriate enough I guess. Josie and Liz have already started cleaning the house, and Jed is in the shower.
"Josie," my aunt calls into the kitchen. Josie peeks around the corner. "We're going to meet with Father Joe and get Leo a suit," she says. I wasn't expecting her to buy me a new suit. My old one is a little snug, but it would do just fine. "We'll be back for lunch and then I'll take you girls out for dresses."
"Yes, ma'am," Josie says, and returns to her cleaning. The house is going to be full of people tonight, and we'll have to do all this cleaning again tomorrow.
I hold the door open for Aunt Mary and follow her up the sidewalk until she stops to hail a cab. Mom always liked to walk to St. Clement's unless it was raining or snowing. I think it reminded her of Boston.
I have always liked Father Joe. He's just a few years older than Mom was, and he's always very real with me. He never likes to sugar coat anything. When my church attendance steadily dropped off before graduation, he came to the house one evening and made sure I was doing all right. He's a genuine good person. And Mom always adored him.
He's walking around the sanctuary straightening prayer books when Aunt Mary and I enter. He signals for us to follow him and we walk through the sanctuary back to his office. It's a small, tidy room and it sort of smells like peppermint. I wonder why that is.
Aunt Mary and Father Joe talk for a while, and I try to pay attention, but nothing really seems real. I look around the room at all the books and papers and icons on the walls. I try to picture Jed in an office like this, but all I get is a picture of him with his feet propped up on the desk, smoking a cigarette and fanning the smoke out an open window above his head. This thought makes me smile, and I guess Father Joe notices.
"Leo?" He says, and I sit up straighter in the chair.
"Yes, sir?"
"How are you doing?"
"I'm all right, father. I'm pretty tired."
"I can imagine. Did you finish your midterms?"
"No, sir. I'll finish them when I get back to school," I say, and he looks at me with sympathy.
"Is Jed still studying for priesthood?"
"No, sir," I smile. "He met a girl and he swears up and down that they're meant to be married. He's going to apply to the economics department next semester."
"Jed would have been a good priest. He has the love for people," Father Joe smiles. "He's smart, too."
"Yes, sir," I say.
"Would you like to read tonight, Leo?"
I pause. I read at Aunt Frances' funeral, and it was difficult. I wasn't even that close to Aunt Frances, but the emotion of the room is sort of overwhelming when you're standing in front of everyone.
"I'd like to, father, but I'm not sure I can," I say. "I think Josie might be able to get through it better than I could."
"I was thinking you could do the first reading, and Josie and Liz could do the second one together," Father Joe says. I nod. I can do it. Nothing is impossible.
"Do you have pallbearers, sir?"
"I have four. You and Jed make six," he says. Aunt Mary reaches over and rubs my arm.
"Jed is going to give the eulogy, father," she says. "I feel like she needs someone to say things in a way that none of us can put them. Jed speaks from the heart. His words come effortlessly. Kate always loved hearing Jed read or speak."
I nod. Jed never failed to make Mom smile, even if he was just reading some blurb in the newspaper.
Aunt Mary nearly drags me into the store to get me a suit. I tried to tell her that my other suit is fine, but she tells me I look like an idiot. I try on several before finding a nice black one. It fits just right. She also buys me black suspenders and a black neck tie. Lucky for me I bought new dress shoes before I went to Michigan, or we'd be in the shoe store for the next hour.
We get back to the house around one, and Aunt Elizabeth is in the kitchen making sandwiches. I poke my head around the corner, and she giggles as she gets a look at me. I haven't seen Aunt Elizabeth since Aunt Frances died. She lives in Maryland. Her husband, Uncle Ray, is a navy officer.
"Oh, Leo, you've grown into your age since the last time I saw you," she says and hugs me. "You must be about thirty-two now, right?"
"No, no. I'm just nineteen now," I smile, and then take a look around the house. Everything is spotless.
"Josie! Lizzie! Come get your lunch," she shouts in the direction of the ceiling. "Are you hungry, Leo?"
"Not really," I say. I haven't been hungry since Wednesday. Josie and Lizzie come down the stairs, fresh from the showers. They've braided each others' hair. "Lizzie, you've even got freckles on the back of your neck," I tease as she walks by. She sticks her tongue out at me and sits down at the table.
Aunt Mary comes in and Aunt Elizabeth gives her a big hug. They all sit down at the table to eat.
"Where's Jed?" I say, just noticing he hasn't come down.
"He was going to get a newspaper, I think," Lizzie says. "He wanted to check up on Jack. The last debate is tonight, you know."
I'd completely forgotten about the debate.
"Make sure you compliment his haircut, Leo," Josie says. "It's completely different."
Just then, Jed walks in the front door, and shakes some of the rain water of the top of his head. His hair looks exactly the same as it always does.
"Nice haircut," I say. "Josie said you tried something completely different."
"I did! My part is farther over," he says. I roll my eyes.
"Don't you own an umbrella? You're tracking water all over the place," I say.
"Umbrellas are completely useless," he says. "Besides, every time I bother to use one, it breaks. I have terrible luck with umbrellas."
"Get a paper?"
"What? Oh, no. I forgot," he says, and sort of blushes
.
"Well, what were you doing?"
"I went down the street to use the pay phone. I told Abbey I'd call her today," Jed smiles.
"And?"
"And what?"
"How is she?"
"Well, she's not home yet. I guess it didn't occur to me that she and Ron were taking the train into Boston. She won't be home until around six I'd imagine," Jed says.
"Oh," I say.
"I talked to her mother though. She didn't seem too pleased," Jed smiled even bigger.
"What are you smiling about?" I sit down as he messes with his hair in the reflection of the window.
"Abbey's afraid of her parents. She's been on and off with Ron since she was fifteen, you know. I think she's summoning her strength and she's going to tell her parents they can't boss her around anymore," Jed says. He's positively glowing. It's really kinda scary. "She loves me, Leo."
"Yes, well, how could you not?" I say sarcastically. He whaps the back of my head.
"I'm serious. I watch her with Ron. And I watch her with me. She's different with me. She's ... I don't know ... she's more alive. She's fiery, she's opinionated, and she's beautiful. And with Ron, back in Boston, it's sort of like she's the window dressing for Ron's perfect life. She deserves more than that, Leo. She deserves someone who's not going to smother her. Someone who will take care of her when she's needs it, but in the meantime will let her take care of herself."
"And you're that person," I say, giving him my questioning look.
"Yes," he says, and he's completely serious. I never thought I'd live to see the day that Jed Bartlet got this ridiculous over a girl. He barely knew they existed until September.
"Well, okay," I say. I hear dishes clang in the sink and Aunt Mary telling the girls to get ready to go out.
"They're going to buy new dresses," Jed says.
"I know," I sigh. "I can't remember the last time either of them got a new dress."
"Yeah," Jed sighs too. We sit there and watch as my aunts usher my sisters out the door, telling us they'll be home by three.
"So the last debate is on tonight," I say, after they leave.
"Yeah," Jed says.
I'm startled when Jed puts his hand on my shoulder at the end of the service. I barely got through my reading, and I
had to bite my lip not to sob outright when Josie and Lizzie were reading. The mass was fine. Father Joe always does a good job. Jed began to speak and I felt like I was reliving my childhood. The way he spoke of my mother honestly made me jealous that I couldn't do the same. I don't have the gift of speech like he does.
I must have been completely caught up in some memory when Jed puts his hand on my shoulder. The pipe organ is swelling in the background, and it's time to carry my mother out of the church. He sort of holds on to my arm as we walk up the aisle and across the altar. I suppose he thinks my knees are going to give up on me. Sometimes I think he's reading my mind.
Jed and I pick up the front two corners. The weight of the casket surprises me. My mother had wasted away to practically nothing, and I suppose that was what I was prepared to pick up. Liz has buried her head into Josephine's side, and I can't look Josie in the eye. Aunt Mary and Aunt Elizabeth are standing behind them, watching me with a mixture of what I assume is sorrow and pride. We walk solemnly out of the church, and I am so caught up in a memory of my mother teaching me the Lord's Prayer that I'm surprised to be at the back of the hurse.
Jed starts to lower his corner, and realizes I haven't moved. Part of me wants to just stand here forever, holding her. He reaches out and squeezes my arm, and I relent. I put my mother down in the back of a hurse and help the other men slide the casket into the vehicle. Then Jed has collected the scattered pieces of his best friend and we get in the car to go to the cemetery for the Rite of Commital.
It's cold and windy outside, and as we stand next to the dark, empty place in which my mother's body will be spending eternity, I suddenly become aware that it's still raining. Father Joe is giving the rite quickly, and the next thing I know Lizzie and Josie have taken both my hands and we're throwing dirt on the casket. I feel like I would throw up if there was anything on my stomach.
When we arrive back at the house, it's full of people I probably should know but don't remember. Everyone is eating and speaking quietly. I hear a few people recall how graceful my mother was; how eloquent and soft-spoken. They say it's amazing that she produced children that are so alike and so completely different. Josie and Liz are both slim and graceful, but hardly soft-spoken. Sometimes I feel like I didn't inherit anything from her. I feel like a carbon copy of my father, which scares me more than anything else in the world.
**************************************************************************** ************
We open the door to Leo's house, and it's packed with people. I knew that Kate McGarry was adored by everyone she ever had contact with ... but I'm surprised. I didn't realize she'd been in contact with so many people.
I can tell as soon as we open the door that Leo is overwhelmed. Josie and Lizzie are making their way through the room, accepting sympathy from people they know from church; people Leo hasn't seen for almost a year. I point Leo in the direction of the living room and then I head for the liquor.
It's extremely hard for me to admit that a drink will help Leo the most right now. My father always says 'No one ever said the truth won't hurt.' I go into the kitchen and get the glass that Leo likes. I've never figured out why he likes it so much. It's very heavy, and if he drops it it will shatter. But it's his favorite, so I make sure he has it. I take care not to chip the ice as I make his drink, as he maintains this is important as well. I fix myself a considerably smaller drink and make my way through the crowd to the living room.
He's sitting on the sofa, staring at nothing. I hand him the drink, and he takes a long swallow. Then I flip the television on, and we don't speak as we watch Jack make Nixon look like an ignorant school child. It's amazing to see him, to hear him weave his verbal tapestry. I don't even know if Leo hears any of it, but he's looking at the television. He's soaked to the skin, though I don't think he notices that either.
"Do you want another drink, Leo?"
He doesn't answer, but reaches into the inside pocket of his suit jacket. A flask suddenly appears, and tonight it doesn't bother me. It will later, but not tonight. Tonight he can have whatever he wants. To see Leo in pain is to experience the pain myself.
I open my mouth to tell him I'm going down the street to use the phone, but I don't know that it would matter to him right now. I leave him there on the sofa, turning once as I open the front door to look at him. He looks up at me, nods, and turns back to the television.
The rain in Chicago feels heavier than rain anywhere else. Maybe it's because of the wind. Either way, it hurts as I walk up the street to the corner drug store. The man behind the counter gives me a look. I imagine I do look out of place. It's after eight on a Friday evening, I'm in a black suit, and I'm soaked. I nod at him and make my way through the store to the phone.
It rings a couple times at Abbey's before her father answers.
"Hello?"
"Hello, may I please speak to Abbey?"
There's silence on the line before I hear him bellow to Abbey. More silence.
"Hello?"
"Hey," I say, and I imagine I'm grinning like an idiot as soon as I hear her voice.
"Hey," she says, and she sounds like she's smiling.
"Did you have a good trip?"
"Not particularly. Ron and I fought the whole way here on the train," she sighs. "And apparently he'd called and let my parents know he'd proposed, because as soon as I got in the car at the train station, my mom was searching my hand for a ring."
"Oh," I say. I'm not sure where this is leading.
"Ron thinks I'm spending too much time with you, Jed."
I don't know what to say to that.
"Are you?"
"Not in a million years," she says. "I had a long discussion with my mother this evening. I told her I wasn't planning on accepting Ron's proposal. I told her I want to be a doctor. That's what means the most to me right now. My mother told me the only reason they sent me to school was so Ron and I could be close to each other. She expected us to marry, and me to drop out and start having children. They never expected me to graduate."
"Abbey-"
"But I'm going to graduate, Jed. I'm going to graduate, I'm going to go to Harvard Medical School, and I'm going to start spending my time with who I really want to spend my time with."
"Your botany study group?"
"No, Jed. I want to spend time with you. You've become my best friend since I met you. I've never been treated like an equal by a man. You don't laugh when I tell you I'm going to Harvard Medical School. You don't laugh when I tell you I'm going to be a surgeon. You believe in me," she cuts me off. "You believe in me, and I'm sorry I've been too afraid to see it. I'm sorry I've taken so long to tell you how much you mean to me."
"You were worth the wait, Abigail," I say. I wish she were here right now. "Easily worth the wait."
The line is quiet for a minute. I don't really know what to say.
"How is Leo?"
"It's been hard for him today. I left him watching the debate. He's drinking," I say.
"You should get back to him, Jed. He needs you right now."
"Yeah," I say.
"When are you going back to South Bend?"
"I'll be leaving Sunday afternoon. I'm going to help the girls get packed and make sure Leo gets on the train all right," I say. "I should be back by ten or eleven."
"Okay," she says. "I'll see you soon. Tell Leo I said hello."
"I will," I say. "Good night, Abbey."
"Good night, Jed."
Leo is asleep on the sofa when I get back to the house. The debate is over. His flask is on the coffee table, and I pick it up to verify that it's empty. It is. There are still a few people talking with Mary and Elizabeth in the other room; Josie and Liz must be upstairs. I walk through the living room to the kitchen and fix myself another drink.
Josie wakes me up. I'm on the floor in the living room, and Leo is sitting up on the couch. It's very sunny outside. I must have fallen asleep in here last night while I was watching Leo.
"We've got to start packing, Jed. Then we have to put all the furniture in storage until summer. Aunt Mary says we'll come out and sell it after school ends in June," Josie says, and sits next to Leo on the couch.
"Good morning," he says to me. I smile at him.
"Abbey told me to tell you hello," I reply. He smiles.
"Have a good talk?"
I nod, then look at Josie. I don't know why I'm uncomfortable talking about Abbey in front of her; God knows we've talked about everything else. She rolls her eyes and leaves the room.
"She broke up with Ron and told her parents off," I say. "She said she wants to spend more time with me. She says I'm the first man that's ever treated her like an equal."
"Do you realize that you're grinning like some sort of derranged ... something?"
"I see all that liquor has done nothing to your vocabulary, Leopold," I smile.
"Shut up," he says.
**************************************************************************** ******************
The house is empty now. It's really quite a depressing sight. I've never seen an empty house before. When Mom moved us from Boston to Chicago, we just packed what we could carry and left. I guess she wanted us out as soon as humanly possible. We finished the school year after Dad died, of course, but then we were gone. The last day we were in Boston, the smell of gunpowder was still in my nose. It took moving to a different state for me to get a breath of fresh air.
Aunt Elizabeth left this morning. She stays busy being an officer's wife. Before she left, she pressed an envelope on me, which contained a hundred dollars cash. I'll give it to Josie before I go back to Michigan. I don't need it.
We spent most of the morning packing up the girls' things. One of the men from church brought a truck after lunch, and we moved the furniture and all the things that wouldn't make it on the train into a storage shed over in Forest Park. I kept the quilt off Mom's bed, and the box of family pictures. There's plenty of room for that stuff in my dorm room.
Aunt Mary and the girls are staying in a hotel tonight in midtown. She's taking us all out to dinner, and then I'm taking Jed out and getting him drunk. I have no idea when I'm going to see him after I get on the train tomorrow. I don't have anywhere to go for Thanksgiving now, and hopefully I'll be in Atlanta for Christmas. I imagine Jed will go to Boston with Abbey if things go as he's planning them to go.
Dinner was very extravagant, but very good nonetheless. I kiss the girls goodnight, and Aunt Mary tells us to behave. If we were cartoon characters, halos would have appeared above my head and Jed's as she looked at us. Her expressions softens, she kisses my forehead, and they leave the restaurant.
"Where are we going?"
"Healy's," I reply simply. We make our way out of the restaurant and set off for the west side.
We arrive, and Jed looks skeptical. I open the door and gesture for him to go in first. Noise spills out into the street from the dark, smoky room. I walk up to the bar and order two pints of Guinness. Jed is sort of hanging by the door, and I shoot him a look. He saunters over, careful not to bump into anyone or make eye contact. I roll my eyes at him as he sits next to me at the bar.
"No one's going to bite, Jed," I say.
"I don't know, Leo. That fellow in the corner looks upset," he answers. I laugh at him.
"Shut up and drink," I say.
The bartender is a nice gentlemen. He warns us of last call for a good twenty minutes before throwing us out of the bar. Jed is completely hammered. My work here is done.
He's babbling on and on about he won't let me be alone on Thanksgiving; he's going to take me to Boston with him. He says if Abbey's parents don't want us, we'll go to the Landinghams. He says he hopes Delores will be in Boston for Thanksgiving, and as soon as he mentions her name his entire mood changes. He tells me how homesick he is; how he wishes he were a better son; how he wishes his father didn't hate him so much.
He's had too much to drink. It's a long walk back to midtown, and we make our way into the hotel where the girls and Aunt Mary are staying. I sit Jed down on a couch in the lobby, and then sit next to him. I don't have the heart to wake Aunt Mary and get into the room. We're both drunk, and I'm sure neither of the girls are in the mood for it.
"I love you, Leo. I don't tell you that enough, but I do. You're my best friend. You're my brother. I wouldn't be me if I'd never met you," Jed mumbles, and rests his head on my shoulder. I slip my arm around his shoulder.
"I love you too, Jed. Now go to sleep," I say.
I sit up all night and listen to the sound of his breathing. My arm has long since fallen asleep when the hotel starts to come back to life around six. I try not to think about the fact that I'm putting my sisters on a train to Atlanta in a few hours and I'm not entirely sure when I'll see them again.
I hear Jed groan next to me, and I poke him in the side.
"Wake up, jackass. You're going to be terribly hungover and you need to get some food on your stomach," I say. He starts mumbling something about punching me in the mouth, and I poke him again. "I'm serious. You're going to be sorry when you start driving if you don't get up and eat."
He sits up and stretches. My arm falls off his shoulder, completely asleep. It takes a couple minutes of his whining before I start to get the worst set of pins and needles I've ever had.
We straggle out of the hotel and down the street to a bakery. I order us both coffee and half a coffee cake. We sit down outside on the curb, and listen to the city come to life as we eat.
"I'm never drinking again," he says after a while. I laugh at him again.
Aunt Mary and my sisters are eating breakfast in the hotel restaurant when Jed and I return. Josephine takes one look at us and shakes her head. Lizzie giggles. Jed's hair is all over the place, and I imagine we both look pretty rumpled.
"Have a nice evening, boys?"
"Poor Jed swears he'll never drink again," I say.
"It's a wonder you're Catholic at all, Josiah," Aunt Mary says. Jed shrugs and looks over at me.
"Is everything all packed?" I ask, and look at my sisters. I can't believe they're leaving.
"Yes, Leo. All we have to do is get it in the cab and get it on the train," Aunt Mary says. "Stop worrying. We'll be fine."
It's my turn to shrug. The girls are quiet this morning. I guess none of us really know what to say. We've never been in this situation before. I always knew when I'd see them again. It's up in the air now. There's no telling if there will be money for the train in December.
Before I know it, we're at the train station. All my stuff is still in a cart, and Jed's standing next to it while I help load everything onto the train. Aunt Mary gives me a hug and promises that we'll be together at Christmas. Then she goes over and hugs Jed, and then gets onto the train. The girls get off the train after getting their things squared away, and go to Jed. He hugs them both, and I hear him promise to write. He promises them that I'll be in Atlanta for Christmas.
"Leo," Lizzie says. I was so caught up in thought that I didn't realize they were standing in front of me.
"Come here," I reply. Both of them wrap their arms around me, and I squeeze as hard as I possibly can. Lizzie is crying into my coat, and as soon as I look at her I'm going to cry too. "I promise to write you. And I want you to write all the time. And telegram if you need anything. I'll try to call once a week. Please be good. Please study hard and mind Aunt Mary."
Josie is crying now too. I look across the platform at Jed, and he looks like he's about to lose it himself.
"Josephine, you take care of Elizabeth," I whisper into her ear. "It's going to be hard, but you can do it. You're going to be fine." She nods into my shoulder. "I love you very much, Josie. Please remember that."
She backs away and looks at me. Then she leans up and kisses my cheek. I squeeze her hand as she starts to walk towards the train. Lizzie is still crying into my shirt. I get down on my knees and look her in the eyes. Sure enough, one look at her and I lose it. I bury my face in her jacket for a minute until I collect myself.
"Lizzie, you take care of Josie. She's going to be working very hard at the new school, and she'll probably worry a lot. But I want you to make sure she doesn't worry too much, okay?" She nods at me. "You keep up your school work, and mind Aunt Mary. I promise to write you, Lizzie."
"I'm going to miss you, Leo. You have to come for Christmas," she manages in between little sobs. "It won't be Christmas without you."
"I promise," I say. She looks at me, tears streaming, and smiles just a little. "I love you."
"I love you too, Leopold," she says, and hugs me very tightly. She kisses the top of my head, and then she too makes her way to the train.
I stand up and watch as the train pulls out of the station. When I can no longer see it, I turn around and look at Jed. He's standing in exactly the same spot, watching me. I make my way back over slowly, and we sit on a bench and wait for my train.
TBC
