Author's Notes: Christmas, 1963 through June 1964.
Feedback: is divine; here or jedbartlet@another.com
It's really hard to believe I haven't seen Jed since my mother died. There's really no explanation for it. I've been busy working and sending money to Josie at school while trying to save up for both of us to get to Atlanta on holidays. Jed's been busy graduating Notre Dame in four years with bachelors' and masters' degrees in economics. And preparing to go to the London School of Economics right after graduation in June. And spending every free moment with Abbey. We just haven't crossed paths.
We've written tons of letters. After I started working I moved off campus. With your own apartment comes your own telephone, so we talk all the time. I've talked to Abbey on the phone and we've even written to each other a couple times, but I've yet to meet the girl that so completely consumes my best friend's being. She sounds absolutely charming on the phone, and her letters are very coherent. Jed sent me a picture of the two of them, which sits on my desk. She's beautiful. I'm looking out the window of this train and I can hardly wait to get to Atlanta, because they're both going to be waiting for me at the station.
It's been a really rough month for Jed and I. I suppose it's been rough on the rest of America, too, but we've taken it especially hard. I was in a calculus class when someone ran in from the hall screaming "The president has been shot!" I made my way to a television in a teacher's lounge, and by half past one they'd pronounced him dead. Jed and I talked on the phone for six hours that day, and decided we had to be together this Christmas. And I'm glad we decided to do this, because I've got some big news for him. News he's probably going to hate me for. What I'm going to tell Jed will make or break our friendship.
We've been arguing heatedly over the phone since the news made it back to the States about Diem being assassinated at the beginning of November. I mentioned in passing to Jed that Jack should seriously consider sending a larger force into Vietnam. Jed went positively berserk. He yelled over the phone to me about how Vietnam's problems should stay in Vietnam. He couldn't believe I thought it was our duty to go over there and defend liberty. Or create it; it's still unclear to me what the hell has been going on in Vietnam. I'm sure that we've been getting about two percent of the complete story.
I've decided to enlist. In fact, I've already enlisted. I ship off to San Antonio on the sixth of June, four days after I graduate, for basic training at Lackland Air Force Base. And I haven't told him yet. Because he's going to hate me for it. I've spent weeks trying to put my feelings into words for him. I've been trying to explain the sense of duty I feel. It looks like Johnson will be committing more troops in the new year, as much as I'd like to believe he won't. I talk big to Jed about defending liberty, but I'm just as scared as anyone else. Newspaper reports from Vietnam are sketchy at best. It sounds like one big mess.
People are starting to move around as the train comes to a stop. Lizzie wrote me to say it's been uncommonly cold in Atlanta this winter, so I pull a stocking cap over my head. I've never kept my hair very long; my father insisted on the crew cut. But I even cut off the longer part at the top. I don't know; I went through some sort of self-mutilation phase in my grief over President Kennedy, and in that phase I shaved my head completely bald. It's grown out some by now, today, the twentieth of December. In fact, this is the longest my hair has ever been if memory serves. I actually have to splash some water on it in the morning and comb it a little. It's still not as long as Jed's usual prep school cut, however.
The train stops completely and I pull my suitcase off the luggage rack above me, sling my backpack over my shoulder, and step out of my compartment. The depot is incredibly crowded, as it should be this time of year. Lizzie's right, it is colder than it's been the past two Christmases. I jump into the air to try and catch sight of Jed. I don't see him. I move over against the wall until the depot clears out somewhat, and then step back out onto the platform.
This place smells like Christmas, if that's possible. People are smiling and friendly. A sudden wave of happiness and relief washes over me as I look around the platform. I still don't spot Jed, and wonder if he's got a hat on or something. I get ready to leave the platform and hail a cab when I see her. She's looking around the depot calmly, and, judging by the look on her face, seems to have the same satisfied feeling I do. She's wearing a red scarf and a black wool dress coat, and her hair is pulled back from her face. Jed's right; she's beautiful. I make my way through the thinning crowd on the platform and stop beside her.
"You must be looking for a devastatingly handsome man from Michigan," I say. She turns to look at me and smiles.
"Leo," she says, and opens her arms for a hug. "I feel like I've known you as long as Jed."
"And I'm sorry I didn't meet you before he did," I say. "Speaking of the devil, where is he?"
"Liz wanted to take him Christmas shopping, so I volunteered to come meet you. He said you wouldn't mind."
"Not at all," I say, and offer her my arm. "Let's get a cab."
We pull up to the house, which looks exactly the same as it did the last time I was here. A simple wreath on the door, and the Christmas tree shining out the front window. I open the front door for Abbey and follow her inside, where I'm immediately tackled by Lizzie.
"Leo!"
"Hey, Liz!" I give her a big squeeze. "How are you?"
"Well, I'm fine. However, Jed and Josie have been at each other's throats all day," she says. I look at Abbey, who nods her assent. I imagined this would happen. Josie has become quite the feminist in her first two years at school. And Jed, though a strong supporter of equality, is easily annoyed by women he claims are 'All About Eve.' Jed told me he envisioned Josie single-handedly eliminating the male species from the planet. And, as I hear their voices raised from upstairs, I realize he may be right.
"I think she's great," Abbey says. Lizzie rolls her eyes.
"The novely wears off after an hour of shopping with the two of them," she replies. Abbey laughs and looks towards the dining room, where my aunt is standing watching us.
I walk over and give her a hug.
"It's good to have you home, Leo," she smiles. Grey is just beginning to creep into the wisps of hair at the sides of her face.
"It's good to be here," I smile.
"Dinner will be ready shortly," Aunt Mary smiles. I nod and join Abbey and Liz in the living room. As soon as I sit down, I hear a loud crash from upstairs and Jed screams.
"Oh for God's sake, Josie!" He slams the door and thunders down the stairs. I stand up and lean against the door frame, waiting for him to come into the living room.
"Lizzie, would you please go explain to your sister that -" He stops as he sees me in the door. His furrowed brow immediately relaxes and a wide grin replaces the frown. "Leopold McGarry!" He sort of announces my name like I'll be competing in the triathlon or something. Then he pulls me into a rough hug and tousles my hair. "Getting kind of long, isn't it Leo?"
"No, not really," I smile and hug him again. "It's so good to see you."
"And to see you," he grins. "And I see you've met Abbey," and the grin gets wider. If I wasn't so insanely happy to see him, I'd definitely mock him.
"I have," I smile. "And your letters just haven't done her justice." Abbey smiles; she looks like she understands the Jed and Leo story much better. "Now, what the hell are you doing to my sister upstairs?"
"I have done nothing," Jed says, and his brow furrows slightly. "She threw a baseball at me."
Liz finds this particularly amusing, and has a good laugh before running out of the room to check on Josie.
Dinner was entertaining if nothing else. I thought for a moment that Josie was going to throw a handful of collard greens at Jed, but Aunt Mary intervened. Jed and I did the dishes, then told Abbey to get ready to go into the city for drinks. Abbey was in the living room watching television with the girls, and told us to go on. I guess she realized we had a lot of catching up to do.
We bundled up and walked through town. Jed smiled and laughed as we talked about anything and everything. We had drinks in a nice restaurant in town and it felt like we'd never been apart. It's what I love so much about Jed. Every time I see him, it's just like picking up a conversation after being interrupted for a second.
"Leo, let's go back to the house," he said after a couple drinks. "Abbey and I have a surprise for you."
We caught a cab back to the house and he ran upstairs to get Abbey, who came downstairs still fully dressed even at the late hour. They'd obviously planned carefully whatever they had cooked up. The three of us went into the backyard and sat in the hammock. The stars were very bright above us. I didn't want the night to end, because I was still terrified of telling Jed I'd enlisted.
Jed produced three cigarettes from the inside pocket of his coat. I didn't realize until I was holding one that they weren't tobacco.
"Merry Christmas, Leo," Jed smiled. I'd smoked my fair amount of pot at school, but I never felt the need to bring it up with Jed. I didn't picture him doing it. I smiled back, and then looked over at Abbey, who'd already had her first puff.
I watch as Abbey kisses Jed good night. The two of them together are like magic. I can't really explain it. They understand each other. Jed was right, as much as I hate to admit it. They seem destined to be together.
"Good night, Leo," she says, as she walks away and slips her hand out of Jed's.
"Good night, Abbey," I say.
Jed is smoking good old Marlboros now, and it feels like a normal night, just sitting outside together. I can't believe I'm going to ruin one of the best nights of my life.
"Jed, I've got some big news for you," I say. I'm still pretty high, and I suddenly wonder if I should wait to talk about this. "Maybe we should talk later when we're both more ... more ..." I'm stumped for the word.
"No, no. Let's hear it," he smiles. I reach under the upturned collar of my jacket to rub the back of my neck.
"Please don't blow up when I tell you this," I say. "You'll wake the whole neighborhood." He drops his cigarette and stomps it out. Then he turns to look at me with his concerned face.
"Leo, what's going on?" I take a long pause and look at him. This may be the last time I can look on him as my best friend. He may never speak to me again.
"I've enlisted," I say finally. He looks confused.
"I don't understand. Enlisted? In what? Summer classes?"
"The air force, Jed."
He sits there, staring at me. I can't tell if the look is disbelief or sheer rage.
"Why?"
"Because we're in a war! Because it's my duty to fight for my country!" Jed looks unmoved. His lack of emotion scares me.
"We're not in a war, Leo. And you won't be fighting for your country. You'll be fighting for someone else's. There's no conviction on the part of any leader in that god forsaken country, Leo. And you're going to go over there and die. For nothing."
"Not for nothing, Jed. For liberty. This is more communism. The last thing we need right now is for communism to spread. Jack is dead! Johnson is taking us to war, and he's going to do it without your approval, Jed! Why can't you understand that?"
"What I don't understand is why you're signing your own death certificate. For nothing. Absolutely nothing!"
"It's not nothing. It's my duty as an American citizen! Why aren't you enlisted, Jed?" As soon as the words are out of my mouth I know I've gone too far.
"Because I don't want to die for nothing, Leo. It would be different if I knew what the hell we were fighting for over there! But I don't. And neither does anyone else. And how dare you accuse me of running away from my civic duties!" He stands up. "If you want to die for nothing, you go right ahead. If you want to leave Josie and Liz with no one, go ahead. But I won't cry for you, Leo. I won't do it. You know what you're getting into. You're doing it of your own accord! I won't cry for you, Leo. This war is for us, it's not for them. It's Johnson's thirst for blood. If I thought we were really trying to protect liberty, I'd be on the next boat out."
I'm crying. He's crying too, but he keeps right on saying he won't.
"I've cried for you many times. I've cried with you. I've cried because of you. But if you go on to basic, you're dead to me. You'll have betrayed the beliefs that I thought we shared."
"I leave for basic on June sixth," I manage. "Am I dead to you then or now?"
"No use being friends with a dead man," he sobs. I want nothing more than to go and hug him, but he wouldn't let me near him. "Abbey and I will leave in the morning."
And as simply as that, he's turned on his heel and gone back into the house. He's left his cigarettes in the dirt under the hammock. I pick them up and stick one in my mouth. I try and light it, but I'm shaking so much I can't. I go into the house, pocketing his cigarettes and lighter as I cross the yard.
I stayed up all night trying to think of something to write him. Anything. A passage finally came to me and I jotted it down. I slipped the note into Abbey's coat pocket, and then I went into my room and listened as Jed woke up early and said goodbye to my sisters and Aunt Mary. Abbey sounded very upset, but I didn't dare leave the room. I watched out the window as they both got into the cab and drove away.
I never expected to have my heart broken by anyone, let alone Jed. But here I sit, on the floor in my room, crying hysterically. He might have cried last night, but he won't cry again.
**************************************************************************** *********************
I feel like, as I close the back door to Mary's house, I've closed the door on my best friend. My brother. My life.
I lay quietly in the guest room. I wish I could talk to Abbey, but I don't want to wake her up. Plus Aunt Mary would have me in a headlock before I could get across the hall and into her room.
I can't handle it. I love Leo more than anything. But I can't stand by as he goes off merrily to certain death. He talks about defending liberty, but he knows just as well as I do that Vietnam is a death trap for America and everyone in it. I hear him come in and sit down in the dining room. I creep slowly out of the room and sit on the top of the stairs and watch him. This is the last time I'll ever see him. He's still crying as he sits at the table and tries to write. It would be heartbreaking if he hadn't brought it on himself.
I go back to bed and don't sleep. As soon as the sky gets light I get up and get dressed before going in to wake Abbey.
"We're leaving," I say. She's so beautiful, laying with her hair spread across the pillow. I want to curl up next to her and pretend that Leo never said what he said last night. I want to start the holidays over again. I want to go back in time and stop Leo from signing that damn paper. I nearly start to cry as she sits up and asks what's wrong. I shake my head.
"We've got to go now," I say. "I'll tell you on the train. We'll go to Boston."
"Jed," she says quietly. I turn and look at her. "Nothing he has done could possibly be worth all this."
She's right, and I know it in that instant. But it's too late. I've said what I've said, and we've got to go.
"We've got to go, Abbey," I say, and leave the room. Liz and Josie are just getting up, and I tell them we're leaving. I tell them we're going to Boston afterall. Liz is upset, and even Josie looks a little downcast.
We pack quickly and thank Aunt Mary for everything.
"Jed," Liz says, as we're almost out the door. I stop and look at her. "He loves you. He always will. No matter what happens."
I swallow the lump in my throat and lean down to kiss her cheek.
"I'll write you soon, Liz," I say, and we're out the door and into the cab.
At the train station, Abbey talks me into going to Manchester. I haven't been back since I left for Boston in June of 1960. Abbey and I have been together for three years now, and she's never met my parents. She's met Delores, and I'm sure Delores has reported back to Mom. I buy the tickets and we board the train.
As the train is pulling out of the station towards Nashua, Abbey hands me a slip of paper.
Jed,
I understand what you mean. I understand that you won't write me back and you won't speak to me again. But you need to understand that you are my best friend. Understand that I am doing what I'm doing because it's what I believe.
"We shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe - to insure the survival and the success of liberty." - John Fitzgerald Kennedy
I love you.
I read the words over and over before I finally begin to cry. Abbey puts her arms around me and I cry into her shoulder for a very long time before falling asleep.
I wake up and we're practically to the station in Nashua. Abbey is reading a biography of Nellie Blye.
"Hey," I say as I sit up. She looks up from her book and smiles at me.
"So, the train stops in Nashua. How were you planning on getting to Manchester?"
"We'll call the Landinghams. Delores will come get us," I say. She shakes her head.
"We'll be sitting in a train station for hours, Jed," she says. This is true. I didn't realize.
"Good point," I say, and frown. She laughs.
"I called your mother when the train stopped in Baltimore," she smiles.
"You called my mother?"
"Yes," she says. "She said Jonathan will meet us at the station."
"The train stopped in Baltimore?"
"Yes," she smiles. "You were really out."
"Jonathan's going to meet us?"
"That's what your mother said."
"Jonathan hates me, you know," I sigh.
"Your brother does not hate you, Jed."
I shake my head and cross the compartment to sit next to her.
"You never cease to amaze me," I say. She leans up and kisses me.
Jonathan is unusually kind and considerate when he picks us up in Nashua. He looks very, very grown up from the last time I saw him. He's very talkative in the car, and I can't help but silently kick myself for staying away for so long.
We pull up at the farm, and Mom is standing on the porch, waiting. I get out of the car and just stare at the house for a moment before settling my gaze on her. She looks so much older than she did when I left. It's hard to believe that I haven't seen her in four years. We've written and talked on the phone, but nothing substitutes for your mother.
I walk slowly up to the porch, and by the time I get there, she's crying. She opens her arms to me.
"I shouldn't have stayed away so long," I say as I hug her.
"I've missed you," she says. "Welcome home, Jed."
My father is sitting behind his desk in the study when I poke my head in the door. He's smoking a pipe and reading the newspaper, exactly as I remember him.
"Hello, Jed," he says, without looking up.
"Hello, sir," I say. He looks up at me. His hair has a lot more grey in it, and there are more lines in his face. I assumed when I left that he wouldn't have much cause for grey hair and wrinkles. Though he is the headmaster of an all boys prep school, after all.
"You look well, son," he says, setting his paper down on the desk. "Your mother says you've been doing very well. Graduating with a masters' degree in four years?"
I nod.
"Did you sleep at all since you left here?"
"Not much, sir," I say, and manage a small smile. He may be trying to be kind right now, but it's only a matter of time before the facade cracks. I can't remember the last time I ever had a conversation with my father that didn't end in a screaming match. I was probably still in elementary school.
"I'm glad you decided to stay with economics and do something productive with your life," he says, and picks up his paper again. I take offense, but I don't say anything.
"I'm going to London in June, you know. The London School of Economics. I'll be there for at least two years, maybe longer," I say. "More than likely longer."
"Very good, Jed. Very good," he says, and I know he's not listening to me anymore.
"Would you like to meet Abbey?"
"Abbey?" He looks up from his paper. "Your mother mentioned something about a girl. I didn't realize she was serious."
"Yes, sir," I say. "Very serious. She's spending Christmas with us. I pray she'll be spending Christmas with me for the rest of my life."
My father gives me a look that sort of resembles a confused fish. I suppose he's confused over the fact that my last name is Bartlet and I'm telling him I'm in love. I love a girl. I'm capable of love. Love is a foreign emotion to my father; he's looking at me like I've just been speaking in Italian.
"Abbey!" I call up the hall towards the kitchen, where she, my mother and my brother are drinking coffee. She stands up and smiles at me as she walks down the hall. I thought she might be a little nervous about meeting the man. I've never said a nice word about him to her. And she's smiling, and walking down the hall. Because she's my Abbey; she's fearless.
She walks into the room and slips her hand into mine.
"Sir, this is Abbey Garrett," I say. Dad hurries to his feet and comes around the desk to shake her hand.
"It's very nice to meet you, Mr. Bartlet," she says as she shakes my father's hand. Abbey sort of looks at him for a minute.
"And it's nice to meet you, Abbey," Dad finally returns. "Is something the matter?"
"Oh, no, sir," Abbey says quickly and smiles. "I always pictured you as, well, a lot shorter."
Dad laughs. My father laughs. The man with the heart of stone laughs. Things couldn't get any stranger.
"Well, that's understandable. Jed got the short gene from his mother's side of the family, I'm afraid," he says. Then he leads her out of the room, they walk down the hall, and sit down at the table in the kitchen with my mother and Jon.
I guess it's my turn to do the fish face.
**************************************************************************** *****************
I can't believe I'm an alumnus of something. A graduate. A former student. Aunt Mary, Aunt Elizabeth and Uncle Ray, Josie, Liz, and Noah Lyman came to graduation. Noah, as luck would have it, was in town to take a deposition the entire week before graduation. We did a lot of catching up. His daughter Joanie is eight now, and they have a one and a half year old son, Joshua. I envy Noah a lot. He's got everything he ever wanted. A great job, a loving family, and a beautiful house in Connecticut. He worked his way through Harvard, supporting a wife and Joanie. If Noah can do it, I'll do it too.
That is assuming I ever make it back here. I packed all my things and drove to Atlanta after graduation, and I'm leaving for basic training in two days. I'm prepared for it. I know that Josie and Liz will be fine. If I don't make it back here, Jed will take care of them. He'll take care of them because he loves them like his own sisters.
I haven't spoken to him since the the twentieth of December. Almost six months. It's almost hard to believe. And I don't think I'd be alive right now if it weren't for Abbey's letters. She's written me almost every week to let me know how he's been doing. She said she thought the thesis was going to kill him for a while. She said he recited equations in his sleep. I wrote her back and told her I was surprised she got him to sleep at all. She tells me he misses me, even if he doesn't say it. She can tell. He hasn't been the same since they left Atlanta.
She agrees with Jed, obviously, about the whole Vietnam situation. I understand where they're both coming from. It's just a sense of duty I feel. Abbey understands that, too. Jed's lucky to have such an understanding woman with him all the time. Any ordinary woman would have dumped his arrogant ass by now. But not Abbey. She loves him almost as much as I do.
In her last letter she sent both cap and gown pictures. Jed's lost weight, if that's possible, though I'm sure he'll gain it back once they're across the ocean together. Abbey is graduating summa cum laude, and she's been accepted at Harvard for medical school. She's going to wait though. Jed will be in London for at least two years, though I suspect once they get there Jed won't want to come back for a while. She wants to go with him, and I couldn't be happier for the both of them. I keep waiting to get a letter telling me he's proposed.
All my things are packed into one duffel bag and a backpack. Someone told me not to go crazy with the packing, because they're going to go through all my possessions as soon as I set foot on the base. So I've got some civilian clothes, even though I won't get to wear them until I'm done with basic. I've got some books, though I'm not sure I'll get to keep them.
I take Josie and Liz out to dinner the last night I'm home. Then we come home and watch Johnny Carson, and the two of them kiss me on their way up to bed. My cab to the airport is coming at eight, and they tell me they'll be up to see me off. Once I hear both bedroom doors close, I put my shoes back on and get ready to go back into town and drink myself silly for the last time for six weeks. I don't worry about running or push-ups or being screamed at. I worry about having no alcohol for six weeks.
The breeze is cool as I walk through the city. I keep walking, past my usual pub, and realize I'd rather be outside tonight than sit in a noisy pub. I'd rather be alone. After all, it's the last time I'll be truly alone for at least six weeks. I may as well enjoy it. I take a cab back to Aunt Mary's place and get out to pay the driver. As the cab drives away, I notice a car in the driveway. My stupid hopes are dashed as I realize it's an Oldsmobile, not the beat-up old Ford I've been wishing for since Jed left in December. It must be Lizzie's boyfriend. He's an all right guy, but he's got no business being here after midnight.
I enter the house and go upstairs to find no light shining under Lizzie's door. This makes me angry and I throw the door open, dreading what I might find. I find Lizzie, alone in bed, asleep. A wave of relief washes over me as I shut the door quietly and cross the hall to open Josie's door. Josie is awake reading, and gives me a look.
"There's a car in the driveway," I say. "I just wanted to make sure you didn't have some guy up here."
"Go to bed, Leo," she says, rolling her eyes at me. "There's no way I'm getting a guy in here past the abstinence squad."
"Shut up," I reply, grinning, and close the door. I guess one of the neighbors parked in our driveway.
I go into the kitchen and pull an almost-full bottle of scotch out of the liquor cabinet. I don't even bother with a glass, I just take the bottle and move to go into the backyard and lounge in the night air on the hammock. Then I notice a light out the window. Someone is in the backyard smoking.
I open the back door quietly and step down onto the grass. It's Jed. He's sitting in the hammock, smoking a cigarette, just like he was the last time I saw him. I feel my eyes start to well up and try to remember what he said to me. Try to remember that he's the one who walked out on me. I don't say anything, but walk across the yard and sit next to him in the hammock.
It's completely silent. I can hear Jed's cigarette burning. I take a long drink of scotch and turn to look at him. His gaze is fixed on the house.
"Remember before, when I was being an idiot?" He finally speaks.
"Vaguely," I reply. It's so good to hear the sound of his voice.
"I forgot to tell you something," he says.
"No, I think you said it all pretty well," I say, trying not to let my voice crack.
"You have to come home, Leo. You can't die over there."
I don't know what to say to him.
"You have to be my best man," he says after a beat. "You have to be godfather to my children. You have to be my best friend."
"I never stopped being your best friend, Jed," I say. "You walked out."
"There was something I forgot to mention before," he says, still looking at the house.
"Yeah?"
"I'm sorry," he says, and turns to look at me. "I don't know what the hell I was thinking, Leo. I guess I'm just scared."
"You're scared? You're not the one that has to learn how to fly a plane in six weeks," I smile. He chuckles.
"I'm scared you won't come home," he says, his voice suspiciously hoarse.
"I'll come home, Jed. In addition to you, I do have two baby sisters to take care of," I say. "I knew you'd be angry. I knew you'd be scared. I didn't think I'd ever see you again."
"I'm so sorry, Leo," he says, and his voice finally breaks. "Please forgive me."
I hold my hand out to him, and he shakes it. Then I stand up and pull him out of the hammock.
"I was never angry, Jed. Just scared you wouldn't come around. I've missed you," I say, and put my hand on his shoulder. "But you did, and that's all that matters to me."
I clap my hand on his shoulder a couple times. He's crying. I lead him into the house and poor him a drink. We've got a lot of catching up to do.
**************************************************************************** *********************
In the morning, Leo wakes me up and says I should drive him to the airport. Josie and Liz wake up and are, well, completely shocked to see me sitting at the kitchen table. We all eat breakfast together, just like we always have. Leo sends me out to the car, and he's in the house a long time saying goodbye to his sisters. I can't imagine how scared they are right now. But they know their brother. He'll be back. He wouldn't leave them without supervision.
He finally comes out of the house, duffel bag in hand, backpack over his shoulder.
"Let's go," he says, and we pull out of the driveway.
His flight is right on time, unfortunately. I've only had my best friend back for six hours, so it's a little difficult to let him go. He checks his duffel and I walk with him to the gate.
"You'll look after Josie and Liz," he says, a statement more than a question. "Even from London."
"And I'll write to you. I'll send you newspapers and candy bars and liquor. Can I send you liquor?"
"Not until I'm out of basic, but after that I'll be counting on you," he smiles. "I'll probably go to Germany after basic. That's usually where they send you to get orders. Maybe I'll get Italy or Greece, but I doubt it."
"And you'll be back," I say. Because he will be.
"I'll be back, Jed. There's no way in hell I'm leaving you in charge of my sisters for too long. They've been corrupted enough as it is."
We both try to laugh, but it's hard. There's a very tight feeling in my chest. I don't think I've ever been this scared before. We stand looking at each other for a minute or two, and then they call his flight over the PA.
"That's me," he says.
"Yeah."
I reach into the pocket of my jeans and pull out my rosary.
"You're going to need this more than I will," I say, and hand it to him. He looks down at it, and I can tell he's crying.
They call his flight again. I put my hand on his shoulder.
"They're calling your flight," I say. He nods, not looking up. I pull him into a hug. "You don't have to hide from me, Leo."
He pulls back and looks up at me.
"I'll be back," he says, and pockets the rosary. I nod, and feel myself begin to tear up.
"Yeah."
"Jed," he puts a hand on my shoulder. "It's gonna be fine."
He hugs me again, and I start to cry. He kisses my cheek, and stands back for a moment, smiling.
"Yeah," I finally manage.
The voice over the PA says last call. He stands and looks at me for one more moment, and then he turns and runs out the gate. He'll be fine. He'll be back.
TBC
Feedback: is divine; here or jedbartlet@another.com
It's really hard to believe I haven't seen Jed since my mother died. There's really no explanation for it. I've been busy working and sending money to Josie at school while trying to save up for both of us to get to Atlanta on holidays. Jed's been busy graduating Notre Dame in four years with bachelors' and masters' degrees in economics. And preparing to go to the London School of Economics right after graduation in June. And spending every free moment with Abbey. We just haven't crossed paths.
We've written tons of letters. After I started working I moved off campus. With your own apartment comes your own telephone, so we talk all the time. I've talked to Abbey on the phone and we've even written to each other a couple times, but I've yet to meet the girl that so completely consumes my best friend's being. She sounds absolutely charming on the phone, and her letters are very coherent. Jed sent me a picture of the two of them, which sits on my desk. She's beautiful. I'm looking out the window of this train and I can hardly wait to get to Atlanta, because they're both going to be waiting for me at the station.
It's been a really rough month for Jed and I. I suppose it's been rough on the rest of America, too, but we've taken it especially hard. I was in a calculus class when someone ran in from the hall screaming "The president has been shot!" I made my way to a television in a teacher's lounge, and by half past one they'd pronounced him dead. Jed and I talked on the phone for six hours that day, and decided we had to be together this Christmas. And I'm glad we decided to do this, because I've got some big news for him. News he's probably going to hate me for. What I'm going to tell Jed will make or break our friendship.
We've been arguing heatedly over the phone since the news made it back to the States about Diem being assassinated at the beginning of November. I mentioned in passing to Jed that Jack should seriously consider sending a larger force into Vietnam. Jed went positively berserk. He yelled over the phone to me about how Vietnam's problems should stay in Vietnam. He couldn't believe I thought it was our duty to go over there and defend liberty. Or create it; it's still unclear to me what the hell has been going on in Vietnam. I'm sure that we've been getting about two percent of the complete story.
I've decided to enlist. In fact, I've already enlisted. I ship off to San Antonio on the sixth of June, four days after I graduate, for basic training at Lackland Air Force Base. And I haven't told him yet. Because he's going to hate me for it. I've spent weeks trying to put my feelings into words for him. I've been trying to explain the sense of duty I feel. It looks like Johnson will be committing more troops in the new year, as much as I'd like to believe he won't. I talk big to Jed about defending liberty, but I'm just as scared as anyone else. Newspaper reports from Vietnam are sketchy at best. It sounds like one big mess.
People are starting to move around as the train comes to a stop. Lizzie wrote me to say it's been uncommonly cold in Atlanta this winter, so I pull a stocking cap over my head. I've never kept my hair very long; my father insisted on the crew cut. But I even cut off the longer part at the top. I don't know; I went through some sort of self-mutilation phase in my grief over President Kennedy, and in that phase I shaved my head completely bald. It's grown out some by now, today, the twentieth of December. In fact, this is the longest my hair has ever been if memory serves. I actually have to splash some water on it in the morning and comb it a little. It's still not as long as Jed's usual prep school cut, however.
The train stops completely and I pull my suitcase off the luggage rack above me, sling my backpack over my shoulder, and step out of my compartment. The depot is incredibly crowded, as it should be this time of year. Lizzie's right, it is colder than it's been the past two Christmases. I jump into the air to try and catch sight of Jed. I don't see him. I move over against the wall until the depot clears out somewhat, and then step back out onto the platform.
This place smells like Christmas, if that's possible. People are smiling and friendly. A sudden wave of happiness and relief washes over me as I look around the platform. I still don't spot Jed, and wonder if he's got a hat on or something. I get ready to leave the platform and hail a cab when I see her. She's looking around the depot calmly, and, judging by the look on her face, seems to have the same satisfied feeling I do. She's wearing a red scarf and a black wool dress coat, and her hair is pulled back from her face. Jed's right; she's beautiful. I make my way through the thinning crowd on the platform and stop beside her.
"You must be looking for a devastatingly handsome man from Michigan," I say. She turns to look at me and smiles.
"Leo," she says, and opens her arms for a hug. "I feel like I've known you as long as Jed."
"And I'm sorry I didn't meet you before he did," I say. "Speaking of the devil, where is he?"
"Liz wanted to take him Christmas shopping, so I volunteered to come meet you. He said you wouldn't mind."
"Not at all," I say, and offer her my arm. "Let's get a cab."
We pull up to the house, which looks exactly the same as it did the last time I was here. A simple wreath on the door, and the Christmas tree shining out the front window. I open the front door for Abbey and follow her inside, where I'm immediately tackled by Lizzie.
"Leo!"
"Hey, Liz!" I give her a big squeeze. "How are you?"
"Well, I'm fine. However, Jed and Josie have been at each other's throats all day," she says. I look at Abbey, who nods her assent. I imagined this would happen. Josie has become quite the feminist in her first two years at school. And Jed, though a strong supporter of equality, is easily annoyed by women he claims are 'All About Eve.' Jed told me he envisioned Josie single-handedly eliminating the male species from the planet. And, as I hear their voices raised from upstairs, I realize he may be right.
"I think she's great," Abbey says. Lizzie rolls her eyes.
"The novely wears off after an hour of shopping with the two of them," she replies. Abbey laughs and looks towards the dining room, where my aunt is standing watching us.
I walk over and give her a hug.
"It's good to have you home, Leo," she smiles. Grey is just beginning to creep into the wisps of hair at the sides of her face.
"It's good to be here," I smile.
"Dinner will be ready shortly," Aunt Mary smiles. I nod and join Abbey and Liz in the living room. As soon as I sit down, I hear a loud crash from upstairs and Jed screams.
"Oh for God's sake, Josie!" He slams the door and thunders down the stairs. I stand up and lean against the door frame, waiting for him to come into the living room.
"Lizzie, would you please go explain to your sister that -" He stops as he sees me in the door. His furrowed brow immediately relaxes and a wide grin replaces the frown. "Leopold McGarry!" He sort of announces my name like I'll be competing in the triathlon or something. Then he pulls me into a rough hug and tousles my hair. "Getting kind of long, isn't it Leo?"
"No, not really," I smile and hug him again. "It's so good to see you."
"And to see you," he grins. "And I see you've met Abbey," and the grin gets wider. If I wasn't so insanely happy to see him, I'd definitely mock him.
"I have," I smile. "And your letters just haven't done her justice." Abbey smiles; she looks like she understands the Jed and Leo story much better. "Now, what the hell are you doing to my sister upstairs?"
"I have done nothing," Jed says, and his brow furrows slightly. "She threw a baseball at me."
Liz finds this particularly amusing, and has a good laugh before running out of the room to check on Josie.
Dinner was entertaining if nothing else. I thought for a moment that Josie was going to throw a handful of collard greens at Jed, but Aunt Mary intervened. Jed and I did the dishes, then told Abbey to get ready to go into the city for drinks. Abbey was in the living room watching television with the girls, and told us to go on. I guess she realized we had a lot of catching up to do.
We bundled up and walked through town. Jed smiled and laughed as we talked about anything and everything. We had drinks in a nice restaurant in town and it felt like we'd never been apart. It's what I love so much about Jed. Every time I see him, it's just like picking up a conversation after being interrupted for a second.
"Leo, let's go back to the house," he said after a couple drinks. "Abbey and I have a surprise for you."
We caught a cab back to the house and he ran upstairs to get Abbey, who came downstairs still fully dressed even at the late hour. They'd obviously planned carefully whatever they had cooked up. The three of us went into the backyard and sat in the hammock. The stars were very bright above us. I didn't want the night to end, because I was still terrified of telling Jed I'd enlisted.
Jed produced three cigarettes from the inside pocket of his coat. I didn't realize until I was holding one that they weren't tobacco.
"Merry Christmas, Leo," Jed smiled. I'd smoked my fair amount of pot at school, but I never felt the need to bring it up with Jed. I didn't picture him doing it. I smiled back, and then looked over at Abbey, who'd already had her first puff.
I watch as Abbey kisses Jed good night. The two of them together are like magic. I can't really explain it. They understand each other. Jed was right, as much as I hate to admit it. They seem destined to be together.
"Good night, Leo," she says, as she walks away and slips her hand out of Jed's.
"Good night, Abbey," I say.
Jed is smoking good old Marlboros now, and it feels like a normal night, just sitting outside together. I can't believe I'm going to ruin one of the best nights of my life.
"Jed, I've got some big news for you," I say. I'm still pretty high, and I suddenly wonder if I should wait to talk about this. "Maybe we should talk later when we're both more ... more ..." I'm stumped for the word.
"No, no. Let's hear it," he smiles. I reach under the upturned collar of my jacket to rub the back of my neck.
"Please don't blow up when I tell you this," I say. "You'll wake the whole neighborhood." He drops his cigarette and stomps it out. Then he turns to look at me with his concerned face.
"Leo, what's going on?" I take a long pause and look at him. This may be the last time I can look on him as my best friend. He may never speak to me again.
"I've enlisted," I say finally. He looks confused.
"I don't understand. Enlisted? In what? Summer classes?"
"The air force, Jed."
He sits there, staring at me. I can't tell if the look is disbelief or sheer rage.
"Why?"
"Because we're in a war! Because it's my duty to fight for my country!" Jed looks unmoved. His lack of emotion scares me.
"We're not in a war, Leo. And you won't be fighting for your country. You'll be fighting for someone else's. There's no conviction on the part of any leader in that god forsaken country, Leo. And you're going to go over there and die. For nothing."
"Not for nothing, Jed. For liberty. This is more communism. The last thing we need right now is for communism to spread. Jack is dead! Johnson is taking us to war, and he's going to do it without your approval, Jed! Why can't you understand that?"
"What I don't understand is why you're signing your own death certificate. For nothing. Absolutely nothing!"
"It's not nothing. It's my duty as an American citizen! Why aren't you enlisted, Jed?" As soon as the words are out of my mouth I know I've gone too far.
"Because I don't want to die for nothing, Leo. It would be different if I knew what the hell we were fighting for over there! But I don't. And neither does anyone else. And how dare you accuse me of running away from my civic duties!" He stands up. "If you want to die for nothing, you go right ahead. If you want to leave Josie and Liz with no one, go ahead. But I won't cry for you, Leo. I won't do it. You know what you're getting into. You're doing it of your own accord! I won't cry for you, Leo. This war is for us, it's not for them. It's Johnson's thirst for blood. If I thought we were really trying to protect liberty, I'd be on the next boat out."
I'm crying. He's crying too, but he keeps right on saying he won't.
"I've cried for you many times. I've cried with you. I've cried because of you. But if you go on to basic, you're dead to me. You'll have betrayed the beliefs that I thought we shared."
"I leave for basic on June sixth," I manage. "Am I dead to you then or now?"
"No use being friends with a dead man," he sobs. I want nothing more than to go and hug him, but he wouldn't let me near him. "Abbey and I will leave in the morning."
And as simply as that, he's turned on his heel and gone back into the house. He's left his cigarettes in the dirt under the hammock. I pick them up and stick one in my mouth. I try and light it, but I'm shaking so much I can't. I go into the house, pocketing his cigarettes and lighter as I cross the yard.
I stayed up all night trying to think of something to write him. Anything. A passage finally came to me and I jotted it down. I slipped the note into Abbey's coat pocket, and then I went into my room and listened as Jed woke up early and said goodbye to my sisters and Aunt Mary. Abbey sounded very upset, but I didn't dare leave the room. I watched out the window as they both got into the cab and drove away.
I never expected to have my heart broken by anyone, let alone Jed. But here I sit, on the floor in my room, crying hysterically. He might have cried last night, but he won't cry again.
**************************************************************************** *********************
I feel like, as I close the back door to Mary's house, I've closed the door on my best friend. My brother. My life.
I lay quietly in the guest room. I wish I could talk to Abbey, but I don't want to wake her up. Plus Aunt Mary would have me in a headlock before I could get across the hall and into her room.
I can't handle it. I love Leo more than anything. But I can't stand by as he goes off merrily to certain death. He talks about defending liberty, but he knows just as well as I do that Vietnam is a death trap for America and everyone in it. I hear him come in and sit down in the dining room. I creep slowly out of the room and sit on the top of the stairs and watch him. This is the last time I'll ever see him. He's still crying as he sits at the table and tries to write. It would be heartbreaking if he hadn't brought it on himself.
I go back to bed and don't sleep. As soon as the sky gets light I get up and get dressed before going in to wake Abbey.
"We're leaving," I say. She's so beautiful, laying with her hair spread across the pillow. I want to curl up next to her and pretend that Leo never said what he said last night. I want to start the holidays over again. I want to go back in time and stop Leo from signing that damn paper. I nearly start to cry as she sits up and asks what's wrong. I shake my head.
"We've got to go now," I say. "I'll tell you on the train. We'll go to Boston."
"Jed," she says quietly. I turn and look at her. "Nothing he has done could possibly be worth all this."
She's right, and I know it in that instant. But it's too late. I've said what I've said, and we've got to go.
"We've got to go, Abbey," I say, and leave the room. Liz and Josie are just getting up, and I tell them we're leaving. I tell them we're going to Boston afterall. Liz is upset, and even Josie looks a little downcast.
We pack quickly and thank Aunt Mary for everything.
"Jed," Liz says, as we're almost out the door. I stop and look at her. "He loves you. He always will. No matter what happens."
I swallow the lump in my throat and lean down to kiss her cheek.
"I'll write you soon, Liz," I say, and we're out the door and into the cab.
At the train station, Abbey talks me into going to Manchester. I haven't been back since I left for Boston in June of 1960. Abbey and I have been together for three years now, and she's never met my parents. She's met Delores, and I'm sure Delores has reported back to Mom. I buy the tickets and we board the train.
As the train is pulling out of the station towards Nashua, Abbey hands me a slip of paper.
Jed,
I understand what you mean. I understand that you won't write me back and you won't speak to me again. But you need to understand that you are my best friend. Understand that I am doing what I'm doing because it's what I believe.
"We shall pay any price, bear any burden, meet any hardship, support any friend, oppose any foe - to insure the survival and the success of liberty." - John Fitzgerald Kennedy
I love you.
I read the words over and over before I finally begin to cry. Abbey puts her arms around me and I cry into her shoulder for a very long time before falling asleep.
I wake up and we're practically to the station in Nashua. Abbey is reading a biography of Nellie Blye.
"Hey," I say as I sit up. She looks up from her book and smiles at me.
"So, the train stops in Nashua. How were you planning on getting to Manchester?"
"We'll call the Landinghams. Delores will come get us," I say. She shakes her head.
"We'll be sitting in a train station for hours, Jed," she says. This is true. I didn't realize.
"Good point," I say, and frown. She laughs.
"I called your mother when the train stopped in Baltimore," she smiles.
"You called my mother?"
"Yes," she says. "She said Jonathan will meet us at the station."
"The train stopped in Baltimore?"
"Yes," she smiles. "You were really out."
"Jonathan's going to meet us?"
"That's what your mother said."
"Jonathan hates me, you know," I sigh.
"Your brother does not hate you, Jed."
I shake my head and cross the compartment to sit next to her.
"You never cease to amaze me," I say. She leans up and kisses me.
Jonathan is unusually kind and considerate when he picks us up in Nashua. He looks very, very grown up from the last time I saw him. He's very talkative in the car, and I can't help but silently kick myself for staying away for so long.
We pull up at the farm, and Mom is standing on the porch, waiting. I get out of the car and just stare at the house for a moment before settling my gaze on her. She looks so much older than she did when I left. It's hard to believe that I haven't seen her in four years. We've written and talked on the phone, but nothing substitutes for your mother.
I walk slowly up to the porch, and by the time I get there, she's crying. She opens her arms to me.
"I shouldn't have stayed away so long," I say as I hug her.
"I've missed you," she says. "Welcome home, Jed."
My father is sitting behind his desk in the study when I poke my head in the door. He's smoking a pipe and reading the newspaper, exactly as I remember him.
"Hello, Jed," he says, without looking up.
"Hello, sir," I say. He looks up at me. His hair has a lot more grey in it, and there are more lines in his face. I assumed when I left that he wouldn't have much cause for grey hair and wrinkles. Though he is the headmaster of an all boys prep school, after all.
"You look well, son," he says, setting his paper down on the desk. "Your mother says you've been doing very well. Graduating with a masters' degree in four years?"
I nod.
"Did you sleep at all since you left here?"
"Not much, sir," I say, and manage a small smile. He may be trying to be kind right now, but it's only a matter of time before the facade cracks. I can't remember the last time I ever had a conversation with my father that didn't end in a screaming match. I was probably still in elementary school.
"I'm glad you decided to stay with economics and do something productive with your life," he says, and picks up his paper again. I take offense, but I don't say anything.
"I'm going to London in June, you know. The London School of Economics. I'll be there for at least two years, maybe longer," I say. "More than likely longer."
"Very good, Jed. Very good," he says, and I know he's not listening to me anymore.
"Would you like to meet Abbey?"
"Abbey?" He looks up from his paper. "Your mother mentioned something about a girl. I didn't realize she was serious."
"Yes, sir," I say. "Very serious. She's spending Christmas with us. I pray she'll be spending Christmas with me for the rest of my life."
My father gives me a look that sort of resembles a confused fish. I suppose he's confused over the fact that my last name is Bartlet and I'm telling him I'm in love. I love a girl. I'm capable of love. Love is a foreign emotion to my father; he's looking at me like I've just been speaking in Italian.
"Abbey!" I call up the hall towards the kitchen, where she, my mother and my brother are drinking coffee. She stands up and smiles at me as she walks down the hall. I thought she might be a little nervous about meeting the man. I've never said a nice word about him to her. And she's smiling, and walking down the hall. Because she's my Abbey; she's fearless.
She walks into the room and slips her hand into mine.
"Sir, this is Abbey Garrett," I say. Dad hurries to his feet and comes around the desk to shake her hand.
"It's very nice to meet you, Mr. Bartlet," she says as she shakes my father's hand. Abbey sort of looks at him for a minute.
"And it's nice to meet you, Abbey," Dad finally returns. "Is something the matter?"
"Oh, no, sir," Abbey says quickly and smiles. "I always pictured you as, well, a lot shorter."
Dad laughs. My father laughs. The man with the heart of stone laughs. Things couldn't get any stranger.
"Well, that's understandable. Jed got the short gene from his mother's side of the family, I'm afraid," he says. Then he leads her out of the room, they walk down the hall, and sit down at the table in the kitchen with my mother and Jon.
I guess it's my turn to do the fish face.
**************************************************************************** *****************
I can't believe I'm an alumnus of something. A graduate. A former student. Aunt Mary, Aunt Elizabeth and Uncle Ray, Josie, Liz, and Noah Lyman came to graduation. Noah, as luck would have it, was in town to take a deposition the entire week before graduation. We did a lot of catching up. His daughter Joanie is eight now, and they have a one and a half year old son, Joshua. I envy Noah a lot. He's got everything he ever wanted. A great job, a loving family, and a beautiful house in Connecticut. He worked his way through Harvard, supporting a wife and Joanie. If Noah can do it, I'll do it too.
That is assuming I ever make it back here. I packed all my things and drove to Atlanta after graduation, and I'm leaving for basic training in two days. I'm prepared for it. I know that Josie and Liz will be fine. If I don't make it back here, Jed will take care of them. He'll take care of them because he loves them like his own sisters.
I haven't spoken to him since the the twentieth of December. Almost six months. It's almost hard to believe. And I don't think I'd be alive right now if it weren't for Abbey's letters. She's written me almost every week to let me know how he's been doing. She said she thought the thesis was going to kill him for a while. She said he recited equations in his sleep. I wrote her back and told her I was surprised she got him to sleep at all. She tells me he misses me, even if he doesn't say it. She can tell. He hasn't been the same since they left Atlanta.
She agrees with Jed, obviously, about the whole Vietnam situation. I understand where they're both coming from. It's just a sense of duty I feel. Abbey understands that, too. Jed's lucky to have such an understanding woman with him all the time. Any ordinary woman would have dumped his arrogant ass by now. But not Abbey. She loves him almost as much as I do.
In her last letter she sent both cap and gown pictures. Jed's lost weight, if that's possible, though I'm sure he'll gain it back once they're across the ocean together. Abbey is graduating summa cum laude, and she's been accepted at Harvard for medical school. She's going to wait though. Jed will be in London for at least two years, though I suspect once they get there Jed won't want to come back for a while. She wants to go with him, and I couldn't be happier for the both of them. I keep waiting to get a letter telling me he's proposed.
All my things are packed into one duffel bag and a backpack. Someone told me not to go crazy with the packing, because they're going to go through all my possessions as soon as I set foot on the base. So I've got some civilian clothes, even though I won't get to wear them until I'm done with basic. I've got some books, though I'm not sure I'll get to keep them.
I take Josie and Liz out to dinner the last night I'm home. Then we come home and watch Johnny Carson, and the two of them kiss me on their way up to bed. My cab to the airport is coming at eight, and they tell me they'll be up to see me off. Once I hear both bedroom doors close, I put my shoes back on and get ready to go back into town and drink myself silly for the last time for six weeks. I don't worry about running or push-ups or being screamed at. I worry about having no alcohol for six weeks.
The breeze is cool as I walk through the city. I keep walking, past my usual pub, and realize I'd rather be outside tonight than sit in a noisy pub. I'd rather be alone. After all, it's the last time I'll be truly alone for at least six weeks. I may as well enjoy it. I take a cab back to Aunt Mary's place and get out to pay the driver. As the cab drives away, I notice a car in the driveway. My stupid hopes are dashed as I realize it's an Oldsmobile, not the beat-up old Ford I've been wishing for since Jed left in December. It must be Lizzie's boyfriend. He's an all right guy, but he's got no business being here after midnight.
I enter the house and go upstairs to find no light shining under Lizzie's door. This makes me angry and I throw the door open, dreading what I might find. I find Lizzie, alone in bed, asleep. A wave of relief washes over me as I shut the door quietly and cross the hall to open Josie's door. Josie is awake reading, and gives me a look.
"There's a car in the driveway," I say. "I just wanted to make sure you didn't have some guy up here."
"Go to bed, Leo," she says, rolling her eyes at me. "There's no way I'm getting a guy in here past the abstinence squad."
"Shut up," I reply, grinning, and close the door. I guess one of the neighbors parked in our driveway.
I go into the kitchen and pull an almost-full bottle of scotch out of the liquor cabinet. I don't even bother with a glass, I just take the bottle and move to go into the backyard and lounge in the night air on the hammock. Then I notice a light out the window. Someone is in the backyard smoking.
I open the back door quietly and step down onto the grass. It's Jed. He's sitting in the hammock, smoking a cigarette, just like he was the last time I saw him. I feel my eyes start to well up and try to remember what he said to me. Try to remember that he's the one who walked out on me. I don't say anything, but walk across the yard and sit next to him in the hammock.
It's completely silent. I can hear Jed's cigarette burning. I take a long drink of scotch and turn to look at him. His gaze is fixed on the house.
"Remember before, when I was being an idiot?" He finally speaks.
"Vaguely," I reply. It's so good to hear the sound of his voice.
"I forgot to tell you something," he says.
"No, I think you said it all pretty well," I say, trying not to let my voice crack.
"You have to come home, Leo. You can't die over there."
I don't know what to say to him.
"You have to be my best man," he says after a beat. "You have to be godfather to my children. You have to be my best friend."
"I never stopped being your best friend, Jed," I say. "You walked out."
"There was something I forgot to mention before," he says, still looking at the house.
"Yeah?"
"I'm sorry," he says, and turns to look at me. "I don't know what the hell I was thinking, Leo. I guess I'm just scared."
"You're scared? You're not the one that has to learn how to fly a plane in six weeks," I smile. He chuckles.
"I'm scared you won't come home," he says, his voice suspiciously hoarse.
"I'll come home, Jed. In addition to you, I do have two baby sisters to take care of," I say. "I knew you'd be angry. I knew you'd be scared. I didn't think I'd ever see you again."
"I'm so sorry, Leo," he says, and his voice finally breaks. "Please forgive me."
I hold my hand out to him, and he shakes it. Then I stand up and pull him out of the hammock.
"I was never angry, Jed. Just scared you wouldn't come around. I've missed you," I say, and put my hand on his shoulder. "But you did, and that's all that matters to me."
I clap my hand on his shoulder a couple times. He's crying. I lead him into the house and poor him a drink. We've got a lot of catching up to do.
**************************************************************************** *********************
In the morning, Leo wakes me up and says I should drive him to the airport. Josie and Liz wake up and are, well, completely shocked to see me sitting at the kitchen table. We all eat breakfast together, just like we always have. Leo sends me out to the car, and he's in the house a long time saying goodbye to his sisters. I can't imagine how scared they are right now. But they know their brother. He'll be back. He wouldn't leave them without supervision.
He finally comes out of the house, duffel bag in hand, backpack over his shoulder.
"Let's go," he says, and we pull out of the driveway.
His flight is right on time, unfortunately. I've only had my best friend back for six hours, so it's a little difficult to let him go. He checks his duffel and I walk with him to the gate.
"You'll look after Josie and Liz," he says, a statement more than a question. "Even from London."
"And I'll write to you. I'll send you newspapers and candy bars and liquor. Can I send you liquor?"
"Not until I'm out of basic, but after that I'll be counting on you," he smiles. "I'll probably go to Germany after basic. That's usually where they send you to get orders. Maybe I'll get Italy or Greece, but I doubt it."
"And you'll be back," I say. Because he will be.
"I'll be back, Jed. There's no way in hell I'm leaving you in charge of my sisters for too long. They've been corrupted enough as it is."
We both try to laugh, but it's hard. There's a very tight feeling in my chest. I don't think I've ever been this scared before. We stand looking at each other for a minute or two, and then they call his flight over the PA.
"That's me," he says.
"Yeah."
I reach into the pocket of my jeans and pull out my rosary.
"You're going to need this more than I will," I say, and hand it to him. He looks down at it, and I can tell he's crying.
They call his flight again. I put my hand on his shoulder.
"They're calling your flight," I say. He nods, not looking up. I pull him into a hug. "You don't have to hide from me, Leo."
He pulls back and looks up at me.
"I'll be back," he says, and pockets the rosary. I nod, and feel myself begin to tear up.
"Yeah."
"Jed," he puts a hand on my shoulder. "It's gonna be fine."
He hugs me again, and I start to cry. He kisses my cheek, and stands back for a moment, smiling.
"Yeah," I finally manage.
The voice over the PA says last call. He stands and looks at me for one more moment, and then he turns and runs out the gate. He'll be fine. He'll be back.
TBC
