The Zelda Christmas Party! -AKA- The Ultra-Christmas-Cliché Fic -AKA- Seven Little Holiday Tales
by Galaxy Girl
CHAPTER ONE: THE BEGINNING!
A/N:
(CONFETTI!)
Hey hey! Happy holidays, everyone! Have a Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! Kwazy Kwanzaa! Great Ramadan! Happy December! Whatever! YAAY!
Please forgive me... I had some eggnog earlier, and that always makes me hyper. Hee hee heee...
A few notes: Thanks to people who make all those cliché-ee Christmas specials... They're so much fun to make fun of! Heh heh... also, this is a partial G/I shippy story. If you can't handle it... (Or if you don't know who G/I are...) then tough!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The following story is true. It involves twelve people on a seemingly typical Christmas Eve... But tonight is truly anything but typical.
One boy will have his nerves tested when a battle begins over who has bought him the best present...
A Sheikah woman will make a big sacrifice for her Secret Santa, the identity of which no one seems to know...
A girl will go above and beyond to buy the perfect gift for her friend, even if it means tangling with a really freakish elf-wannabe...
An evil king will attempt to destroy Christmas forever...
A pair of Gorons will go on a crazy adventure to try and save the holiday...
A Gerudo will show her friend, a Zora how wonderful her life really is...
And some cranky old guy will get his just deserts after 80 years of whining...
Behold the wonder! Behold the cheer! Behold the eggnog! Behold...
SEVEN LITTLE HOLIDAY TALES!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was a snowy Christmas Eve in Hyrule, and a heavy blizzard of frosty snow was falling gently over the land. There was a nip in the air, and no one in their right mind would be outside on a night like tonight.
Everybody was at home with their families, singing all the seasonal favorite songs. You know the ones! "Silent Night"... "Deck the Halls"... "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer"...
It seemed like everyone was in the holiday spirit on this lovely, peaceful, -14 degree evening.
LINK'S CHRISTMAS PARTY BLUES
In the Kokiri Forest, the Kokiri kids had all gathered around a beautifully decorated pole (They don't believe in cutting down trees) to partake in a feast of non-lactose non-egg Egg Nog, tofu Christmas ham, and to deck their halls with boughs of holly.
Link, all ready for the season in his bright green tunic, was just fixing his hair in the mirror on this fine evening when Saria stuck her head in the door.
"LINK! YOU GOTTA HELP ME!" she shrieked.
"Agh... what is it, Saria? We're already running late for Zelda's Christmas party."
"I CAN'T DECIDE WHAT TO WEAR!" she wailed, throwing a garbage bag full of clothes onto the hero's bed.
Link's eyes got very big as Saria pulled dress after dress after dress out of the bag and held them up to herself in the mirror. "I can't pick! This one... This one is a nice color..."
"They're all the same color." Link said.
"... This one is a little big on me... This one's too small..."
"They're all the same size."
"That one looks tacky... This one is a little... uh... NO."
"Saria..."
"What? That one? You want me to wear that one?"
"Saria, they're all the same exact dress!" Link cried in dismay.
Saria raised her eyebrows at him and shrugged. "So? I can't pick which one! You pick."
Link shook his head and sighed, pointing at one laid out on the bed. "Do that one."
"It's HIDEOUS!" she wailed. "But I like this one... what do you think about this one?"
"It's the same dress as the one you just called hideous!" Link groaned. "How about that one?"
"It makes me look fat!" Saria pouted.
"IT LOOKS THE SAME AS THE OTHER ONES!" Link yelled. "Now pick a dress and let's go!"
Saria bit her lip, and recited "Eeny Meeny Miney Mo" several times before picking the same dress that she said was hideous.
"It's gorgeous!" she sighed, staring at herself in the mirror.
"It's fine, now let's go!" Link whined, grabbing his bag of gifts and heading for the door.
"Link..." Saria mumbled.
"What? Come on! We're already late!"
"Your tunic looks a bit wrinkled..." Saria said quietly.
"Oh my gosh..." Link gasped, staring at it. "How could I have missed that! UGH! I need to change!"
He opened up a closet stuffed full of at least 20 Kokiri tunics, all the same size, color, and design.
Link stared at the open closet for a few seconds, and then wailed, "I JUST CAN'T CHOOSE!"
THE GIFT OF THE SHEIKAH (The Gift of the Magi)
"IMPA! WHERE'S THE BEEF!?" Zelda shrieked, clutching her head in worry.
"Excuse me?" asked her nanny, who was combing her hair in a mirror.
"THE BEEF! THE BEEF! THOSE BEEF HORS D'OEUVRES I ORDERED FROM THE KITCHEN ARE NOT HERE YET!"
"Calm down, I'm sure they're on their way." Impa said calmly.
"THE WHOLE PARTY'S RUINED!" Zelda wailed, throwing herself on the bed.
"Zelda, it hasn't even started yet!" Impa sighed. "Now go ahead and put on that lovely red party dress of yours. I need to change."
"I'm sorry Impa..." Zelda sighed from behind her dressing screen. "I'm just so nervous! I got this great present for Link... I'm his Secret Santa, you know. And I hope he'll like it!"
"Of course he will," Impa smiled. Suddenly she froze. "Secret... Santa?"
"That's right!" Zelda grinned. "Don't you remember?"
"Zelda..." Impa said quietly. "Do you remember who I picked...?"
"Gosh, I don't know Impa!"
Impa gasped and ran out of the room. "OH NO!" she shrieked as she raced down the hallway. "I COMPLETELY FORGOT! AAGGGH!"
TINGLE ALL THE WAY (Jingle All the Way)
"Zelda doesn't stand a CHANCE against my present..." Malon snickered, as she put the final touches of wrapping paper on her gift to Link. "It took all of my savings to buy it for him, and now that I have it, he's going to love it!"
Malon didn't care if she wasn't Link's Secret Santa. Zelda had rigged the slips of paper so that she would guarantee that she got Link... Dirty little rat!
"But it doesn't matter, because my present will completely wipe out hers any day!"
Talon stuck his head in Malon's door as she laughed to herself. "Bes' be getting goin' there, Mal. Yer due at the castle at 8!"
"I know Daddy!" Malon giggled. "I'm just going to call Link real quick and see if I can pick up any last minute clues for his present!"
Malon picked up the phone and dialed Link's new number, since he had changed the last two to avoid Ruto.
The phone rang a few times and finally Link answered it. "Hullo?" he said. "Can't talk, must get dressed and go to party!"
"Link!" Malon cooed. "So nice to hear from you!"
"Oh hey Malon!" Link replied. "So, what did you call for? I need to find EXACTLY the right tunic for the job!"
"Linky, um... I got your name in Secret Santa." Malon lied. "And I was wondering what you wanted..."
"Malon? It's 7:15 on Christmas Eve. You don't have time to go get me a present now."
"Sure I do!" she retorted. "What do you want?"
"Aw... well... there is this one thing... I want it more than anything else in the world!"
"REALLY?" Malon gasped, grabbing a paper and pencil.
"Yeah... it's so cool... I want one SO bad... If I had one, I'd be the happiest guy alive!"
"Oh great! I'd be happy to get it for you, Link! What is it? Is it that new bow they're selling over in Kakariko?"
"No..."
"Is it that sword-waxing kit?"
"No..."
"A NEW SADDLE FOR EPONA!" Malon gasped, staring in disbelief at the saddle she had wrapped for Link only minutes before.
"No! A Harry Potter action figure!"
Malon gasped, and dropped the paper in surprise. "What?"
"A Harry Potter action figure!" Link said like a little boy. "I'm the BIGGEST Harry Potter fan in the world! Oh yeah! I have all the books, AND their collector's editions! And I have the entire trading card game collection! The day the movie came out, I painted a lightning bolt on my forehead! I've seen the movie 346 times!"
Malon stood, wide eyed and mouth open. "Um..."
"I want the REGULAR Harry action figure! The one that comes with a wand and an owl!" Link said. "Not the one that comes with the hat and the spellbook! I have four of those! But the ORIGINAL, EDITION ONE Harry Potter figures with Hedwig and wand are SO RARE! I WOULD KILL FOR ONE!"
Malon's heart sank. "Oh..."
"Oh wow, I'd better get going! I'm so excited! I can't wait for the party!" he giggled. "See ya, Mal!"
Click.
Malon stared at the wall in disbelief for a minute, and sighed. "Huh. Well, what Linky wants, Linky gets!"
She threw on her jacket and packed up her wallet and Link's old present (maybe she could pawn it or trade it for an action figure...), and raced out into the barn, grabbing the fastest horse that she and her father owned.
"To K-Mart!" she cried, racing off into the night and the snow in search of the only thing that would make Link happy.
HOW GANONDORF ATTEMPTED TO STEAL CHRISTMAS (How The Grinch Stole Christmas)
Every Hylian and Gerudo liked Christmas a lot
But this one evil king in the desert did NOT
While the desert girls danced and sang and decorated
He sat back and whined about all which he hated
"I hate their dumb carols and stupid gift giving...
I hate all their joy and their cheerful style of living...
But most of all, the absolute, undeniable WORSE
Is that stupid holiday they call Christmas! WHAT A CURSE!"
Ganondorf sat in his high kingly tower
With a frown on his face, while he sat and he glowered
At Nabooru and the others, so cheerful below
Decking the halls with holly and bright mistletoe
Drinking their eggnog and Christmas party punch
Eating gingerbread cookies and candy for lunch...
"Look at them down there! It makes me so sick!
How those Gerudos of mine could be so awfully thick!
Can't they see it's commercial? This holiday cheer...
This retail conspiracy comes once a year...
But that's not the reason I'm whining and spited!
ZELDA'S HAVING A PARTY AND I'M NOT INVITED!"
The evil king stared at the envelope shiny
With its handwriting fancy and ever-so-tiny
"Dear Ganondorf, head Gerudo of relation,
Please accept this formal UN-invitation
I take insult at you blowing up my fair land
So when Christmas Eve comes you can talk to the hand
Cause I'm not having you at my party of Yule!
Sincerely,
Zelda, Princess of Hyrule"
Ganondorf scowled even harder than ever before
And threw the empty envelope against the door
Then he got an idea- A nasty idea that he'd never thought
"So everyone else is going... And so I am not...
Why should I sit here all upset and bumming?
I THINK THAT I'M GONNA STOP CHRISTMAS FROM COMING!"
Ganon packed up his big bag of sorcery trickers
And walked out the door with a sneer and a snicker
"Zelda thinks her party will be a great affair...
Let's just see how she likes it once I have been there!"
DARUNIA AND LL IN: CLAUS ENCOUNTERS OF THE WEIRD KIND (The Santa Clause)
Darunia struggled with the tape for a few more seconds, and then finally ripped off a big piece, placing it delicately on top of the mess of a package that he had attempted to wrap.
"It's gorgeous!" he beamed, giving it a pat. "LL will love it!"
"Big Brother!" yelled one of the Gorons, "Hurry up! We can't start the Christmas Eve feast without you!"
"I'm coming!" Darunia called. "Wow, I've got so much to do tonight... First, the feast... then I have to finish wrapping all my presents for the others, and then finally I'll head to Zelda's Christmas Eve party!"
Darunia adjusted his bright red bow tie and then raced outside to join the other Gorons, who were all staring with wide eyes at the pile of rocks they had all spent weeks preparing.
Darunia took his place at the head of the table, and cleared his throat. "Friends... Gorons... It's that time of the year again! Christmas is in the air, and everyone is happy!"
"WE'LL BE HAPPIER WHEN WE CAN EAT!" one Goron yelled.
"Would anyone like to say Grace?" asked Darunia.
LL stood up meekly. "I have a special Grace written, Dad!"
"Oh boy!" Darunia grinned. "OK then! Go ahead! Everyone shut up! LL's gonna say Grace!"
The Gorons all bowed their heads in silence, and LL read off the crumpled paper.
"Good food... Good meat... Good God... let's eat."
And with that, hundreds of napkins went flying in the air from off the silverware and the Gorons began tearing apart their food, shoving huge chunks of it into their mouths and belching soon afterwards.
It was a sight to behold.
Ten minutes later, every pebble had been eaten, and the Gorons were all sitting back, enjoying their crag-nog and granite bread cookies, while several of them took part in dramatic reenactments of the Nativity and "'Twas the Night Before Christmas".
And finally, at around 7:30, most of the Gorons had run off to bed to dream of dancing and sugarplums and all that crap. All were waiting for the morning when they were hoping to find a great big rock or a scooter or a new pair of rolling shoes under the Christmas rock. (There are no trees on Death Mountain)
Only Darunia was still awake. He was getting ready to go to the big Christmas party at Hyrule Castle.
The entire city was softly rumbling from a volcanic tremor that always happened on Christmas Eve, and Darunia was humming "We Three Kings" as he did his hair.
"Weeee three kiiiings of Orient are trying to smoke a rubber cigar. But it was loaded and then it exploded and now we're on yonder-"
CRASH!
"AAAGGGH!"
WUMP!
"What the heck was that?" Darunia gasped, looking around frantically.
LL stumbled out of bed and into Darunia's room. "Dad... what was that sound?"
"I don't know, son. It sounded like it came from outside the city!"
The two Gorons raced to the top of the city and out the door, to see a horrible sight that was actually quite often seen in Christmas movies.
There, sprawled out in the dirt with a giant lump on his head was the man in red himself! Santa Claus!
The sleigh and all the reindeer were hovering patiently in the air above him, and the bag of toys had spilled out all over the place.
"Holy CRAP!" LL shrieked. "Santa's DEAD!"
"Wait, wait, let me check..." Darunia mumbled, stepping quietly over to the fat man on the ground. "No, he's just unconscious. He must have been hit by some rubble flying out of the volcano."
"But Dad!" LL wailed, "How are all the children of the world going to get their presents if Santa's unconscious on the ground in front of our house!?!?!"
Darunia began to answer, but then was quiet. "I... Uh..."
"Gee, Dad." LL asked. "Do you think this will be like all those Christmas specials where the kid and his or her dad are in the middle of a argument or a conflict and then Santa crash lands out front and then they take the sleigh and the reindeer and decide to drop off all the Christmas presents to all the kids of the world and on the way learn the true meaning of Christmas and get over their fighting and live happily ever after?"
"I think so, son." Darunia said, hopping into the sleigh and taking the reins. "Hop on! We've got to save Christmas!"
RUTO'S WONDERFUL LIFE (It's a Wonderful Life)
"Christmas! What a waste!" Ruto sobbed, opening up the makeshift oven door in her cave all the way in Zora's Domain. "It's not even worth it if you don't have anyone to share it with!"
She lit a single match and threw it into the oven, igniting a bright flame.
The Zora Princess was wearing a parka and earmuffs, with four pairs of mitten on each of her fins in addition to sixteen leg warmers on each leg. "It's too cold in here!" she wailed again, shivering.
Christmas was never a very comfortable time for Zoras, what with their living in the water and being sensitive to temperature and all. But they enjoyed celebrating it anyway.
Except for Ruto, that is.
She had recently been blown off by her reluctant fiancé. AGAIN. And this time, she didn't see any reason to go on.
Ruto sniffled again, and put on another parka. "It's too cold in here... Where I'm going, it's never cold..."
Suddenly the door of her room was flung open, and a frantic figure in pink raced in.
"RUTO! HOLY CRAP, I WAS ALMOST TOO LATE!" Nabooru shrieked, all decked out in her Christmas best for Zelda's big Christmas party that night.
"Nabooru? What are you doing here?" sighed Ruto.
"You were supposed to meet me at Lake Hylia so we could head to the castle for the party! But then I heard from some Zora that you were planning on going somewhere where Link could never dump you again! Oh thank goodness I got here before..." Nabooru said all in one breath.
"Huh? Nabooru, what are you..."
"An oven? Ohhh, Ruto that's an awful way to do it..." Nabooru shuddered.
"Nabooru! What the heck are you talking about!?" Ruto shrieked. "There IS no other way for me to warm up my room!"
"Oh Ruto, take a look at yourself! Do you know how terrible life would be without you in the world?" Nabooru said consolingly, patting Ruto on her shoulder.
"Huh? Nabooru, what's the matter with you? What are you talking about?"
Nabooru smiled pleadingly. "Please Ruto, don't do this! I'm going to show you! It's in my powers, Spirit, you know... Come on! I'm going to show you what life would be like if you were never born!"
"Wow, cool." Ruto said. "But where did you get the idea that-"
"Oh thank you for reconsidering, kid! It's such a tragedy that someone so young..."
"Nabooru!"
"And look at all you have to live for! I'm going to show you that you're a vital part of this world!"
"Nabooru! LISTEN TO ME!" Ruto yelled. "What are you talking about?"
"Come on!" Nabooru yelled. "We haven't a moment to lose! Remember, Zelda's party starts at 8:00!"
The Spirit Sage put her hands together and the room was filled with bright orange light, and Ruto gasped.
"Nabooru... HEY! WHY AREN'T YOU LISTENING TO-"
And the pair vanished!
RAURU'S CHRISTMAS CAROL (A Christmas Carol)
"Bah, HUMBUG!" Rauru snapped, slamming the door in the caroler's faces.
The old man lived all alone in the Sacred Realm, and he liked it that way. No pesky kids to spoil his quiet days or to trample his begonias there.
"Humbug! Christmas!" Rauru growled, plopping down on the couch again. "I may be a Sage, but that doesn't mean I run around celebrating stupid holidays like Christmas! Humbug!"
No one seemed to know why Rauru hated Christmas so much. Maybe he didn't receive exactly what he wanted one year. Maybe it's because someone he loved dearly died near Christmas. No one knew. But the old Light Sage hated Christmas with a passion, and was determined not to let anyone ruin his silent, lonely holiday for him.
But since I'm the narrator and I know everything about the characters and what they're thinking, I'll tell you why Rauru hated Christmas.
Once, when he was twelve, after a joyful Thanksgiving, young Rauru had begun to pack on pounds, like everyone does. But it was because of his extra pounds that he had caused a terrible accident.
All he had wanted for Christmas that year was a brand new baseball bat. A big, beautiful, polished wooden baseball bat.
But his family had been too poor to buy him one... So young Rauru had to survive without hope of receiving his new baseball bat.
On Christmas Eve of that fateful year, his father had arrived home with packages of gifts for everyone. Rauru sat by the fireplace near the stairwell, knowing that his baseball bat was not among them.
"Here you go, son..." his father had said, handing Rauru a long package with bright wrapping paper.
"Thanks..." he had mumbled glumly.
Rauru took his present into the kitchen to celebrate over dinner with his family, and they all sat down to a delicious Christmas goose.
In the course of the meal, Mrs. Rauru's Dad had dropped her new earrings from her son onto the floor.
"Oh Rauru honey, could you please get those for me?" she asked.
Rauru stood up and bent over to get them while clutching his gift, but his gigantic butt knocked over his glass of milk, starting a horrible chain reaction.
Trying to avoid splashing milk on her new dress, Mrs. Rauru's Dad had leaped up out of her seat, crushing the cat's tail with her chair leg. The cat screamed, and jumped up onto Rauru's Dad's face. Rauru's Dad screamed in pain, and began stumbling around, trying to get the cat off. As he did, he knocked over a book on the bookshelf, which caused a Domino effect and knocked a heavy statue of a bowling ball off the shelf and onto a fork on the table that was loaded with mashed potatoes.
The scalding hot spuds had flown through the air, splattering into Rauru's head. Of course, Rauru screamed and lost his balance, falling over backwards...
And down the stairwell, clutching his gift and screaming all the way.
When they finally got Mrs. Rauru's Dad's old thumbtack collection that had ever-so-conveniently been placed at the bottom of the stairs removed from her son's butt, they told Rauru that a terrible thing had happened as he fell.
Inside the box was that same beautiful, brand new baseball bat that Rauru had asked for. But as he fell, it splintered in the box and Rauru got his poor hands loaded up with splinters. He could never partake in his favorite sport of jigsaw puzzle assembly again.
And THAT'S why Rauru hated Christmas.
Anyway, the old Sage of Light was watching Oprah when it happened. He heard a clunk outside his living room.
"Bah, Humbug! Who are you?" he snapped.
"RAURUUUUUUU..." a voice wailed.
"What?"
"RAURUUUUUUU..." the same voice wailed again.
Suddenly, the door swung open and a figure wrapped up in chains and locks and ropes and irons of all sizes clunked into the room.
"AAGGGGHHH!" shrieked Rauru at the top of his lungs. "TAKE THIS, YOU CAD!"
He pulled out a shotgun, and the figure just shook his head and sighed.
"Rauru, Rauru... You don't even recognize your old childhood friend?"
Rauru stopped. "D-D-Dampé?"
It was the ghost of Dampé the gravekeeper of Kakariko! Rauru's old buddy from high school!
"That's right!" Dampé said. "And I've had it about up to here with your whining and groaning about how much you hate Christmas! And apparently, so have the spirits!"
"Dampé!" Rauru gasped. "What... what happened to you?"
"I DIED!" Dampé screamed angrily. "DUUH!"
"What are those chains?" Rauru whimpered.
"Oh, I tripped over a box and fell into a locksmith's shop on my way over here." Dampé explained. "Now listen up! The other ghosts and I are sick of your moping around! What happened to you on Christmas all those years ago was an ACCIDENT! Get over it!"
"GET OVER IT?" Rauru shrieked, "I was scheduled to be in the Hyrule-wide Jigsaw Tournament! But that stupid baseball bat splintered me up so bad I could never use my hands again!"
"Yeah? And you should hate Christmas because of it?" Dampé shot back.
Rauru thought for a minute. "Uh... yeah. BAH HUMBUG! Now get the heck outta my house!"
Dampé shook his head worriedly. "Tsk, tsk... Because you won't let me convince you to be nice, I guess we'll just have to do this the hard way."
"What hard way?" Rauru said, ducking behind his sofa.
"Tonight you will be visited by three ghosts of Christmas." Dampé explained.
"Past, Present, and Future?" asked Rauru.
"Nope. They were busy dealing with some dude named 'Scrooge', so you get the OTHER three ghosts of Christmas. They're going to show up here and convince you that you're being a stinky old coot."
"They can't convince me!" Rauru snapped. "Now get your dead butt outta my house."
"Tsk, tsk," Dampé sighed. "And I know all those embarrassing high school stories about you, too..."
Rauru's eyes widened, and Dampé began to back out of the room.
"EXPECT THE FIRST GHOST WHEN THE BELL TOLLS 7:45!" Dampé wailed. "Wait a second... IT IS 7:45! ALL RIGHTY THEN! EXPECT THE FIRST GHOST WHEN THE BELL TOLLS 7:45 AND FIVE SECONDS, AKA RIGHT-"
Dampé disappeared into a flash of smoke, and another blazing bright light appeared in the room.
Rauru ducked farther behind his sofa. "Uh oh..."
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Don't go away! There's plenty of Christmas cheer to go around! Stay tuned for the conclusions to the stories! Bring the eggnog! It's going to be SPECTACULAR!
by Galaxy Girl
CHAPTER ONE: THE BEGINNING!
A/N:
(CONFETTI!)
Hey hey! Happy holidays, everyone! Have a Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah! Kwazy Kwanzaa! Great Ramadan! Happy December! Whatever! YAAY!
Please forgive me... I had some eggnog earlier, and that always makes me hyper. Hee hee heee...
A few notes: Thanks to people who make all those cliché-ee Christmas specials... They're so much fun to make fun of! Heh heh... also, this is a partial G/I shippy story. If you can't handle it... (Or if you don't know who G/I are...) then tough!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The following story is true. It involves twelve people on a seemingly typical Christmas Eve... But tonight is truly anything but typical.
One boy will have his nerves tested when a battle begins over who has bought him the best present...
A Sheikah woman will make a big sacrifice for her Secret Santa, the identity of which no one seems to know...
A girl will go above and beyond to buy the perfect gift for her friend, even if it means tangling with a really freakish elf-wannabe...
An evil king will attempt to destroy Christmas forever...
A pair of Gorons will go on a crazy adventure to try and save the holiday...
A Gerudo will show her friend, a Zora how wonderful her life really is...
And some cranky old guy will get his just deserts after 80 years of whining...
Behold the wonder! Behold the cheer! Behold the eggnog! Behold...
SEVEN LITTLE HOLIDAY TALES!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
It was a snowy Christmas Eve in Hyrule, and a heavy blizzard of frosty snow was falling gently over the land. There was a nip in the air, and no one in their right mind would be outside on a night like tonight.
Everybody was at home with their families, singing all the seasonal favorite songs. You know the ones! "Silent Night"... "Deck the Halls"... "Grandma Got Run Over By a Reindeer"...
It seemed like everyone was in the holiday spirit on this lovely, peaceful, -14 degree evening.
LINK'S CHRISTMAS PARTY BLUES
In the Kokiri Forest, the Kokiri kids had all gathered around a beautifully decorated pole (They don't believe in cutting down trees) to partake in a feast of non-lactose non-egg Egg Nog, tofu Christmas ham, and to deck their halls with boughs of holly.
Link, all ready for the season in his bright green tunic, was just fixing his hair in the mirror on this fine evening when Saria stuck her head in the door.
"LINK! YOU GOTTA HELP ME!" she shrieked.
"Agh... what is it, Saria? We're already running late for Zelda's Christmas party."
"I CAN'T DECIDE WHAT TO WEAR!" she wailed, throwing a garbage bag full of clothes onto the hero's bed.
Link's eyes got very big as Saria pulled dress after dress after dress out of the bag and held them up to herself in the mirror. "I can't pick! This one... This one is a nice color..."
"They're all the same color." Link said.
"... This one is a little big on me... This one's too small..."
"They're all the same size."
"That one looks tacky... This one is a little... uh... NO."
"Saria..."
"What? That one? You want me to wear that one?"
"Saria, they're all the same exact dress!" Link cried in dismay.
Saria raised her eyebrows at him and shrugged. "So? I can't pick which one! You pick."
Link shook his head and sighed, pointing at one laid out on the bed. "Do that one."
"It's HIDEOUS!" she wailed. "But I like this one... what do you think about this one?"
"It's the same dress as the one you just called hideous!" Link groaned. "How about that one?"
"It makes me look fat!" Saria pouted.
"IT LOOKS THE SAME AS THE OTHER ONES!" Link yelled. "Now pick a dress and let's go!"
Saria bit her lip, and recited "Eeny Meeny Miney Mo" several times before picking the same dress that she said was hideous.
"It's gorgeous!" she sighed, staring at herself in the mirror.
"It's fine, now let's go!" Link whined, grabbing his bag of gifts and heading for the door.
"Link..." Saria mumbled.
"What? Come on! We're already late!"
"Your tunic looks a bit wrinkled..." Saria said quietly.
"Oh my gosh..." Link gasped, staring at it. "How could I have missed that! UGH! I need to change!"
He opened up a closet stuffed full of at least 20 Kokiri tunics, all the same size, color, and design.
Link stared at the open closet for a few seconds, and then wailed, "I JUST CAN'T CHOOSE!"
THE GIFT OF THE SHEIKAH (The Gift of the Magi)
"IMPA! WHERE'S THE BEEF!?" Zelda shrieked, clutching her head in worry.
"Excuse me?" asked her nanny, who was combing her hair in a mirror.
"THE BEEF! THE BEEF! THOSE BEEF HORS D'OEUVRES I ORDERED FROM THE KITCHEN ARE NOT HERE YET!"
"Calm down, I'm sure they're on their way." Impa said calmly.
"THE WHOLE PARTY'S RUINED!" Zelda wailed, throwing herself on the bed.
"Zelda, it hasn't even started yet!" Impa sighed. "Now go ahead and put on that lovely red party dress of yours. I need to change."
"I'm sorry Impa..." Zelda sighed from behind her dressing screen. "I'm just so nervous! I got this great present for Link... I'm his Secret Santa, you know. And I hope he'll like it!"
"Of course he will," Impa smiled. Suddenly she froze. "Secret... Santa?"
"That's right!" Zelda grinned. "Don't you remember?"
"Zelda..." Impa said quietly. "Do you remember who I picked...?"
"Gosh, I don't know Impa!"
Impa gasped and ran out of the room. "OH NO!" she shrieked as she raced down the hallway. "I COMPLETELY FORGOT! AAGGGH!"
TINGLE ALL THE WAY (Jingle All the Way)
"Zelda doesn't stand a CHANCE against my present..." Malon snickered, as she put the final touches of wrapping paper on her gift to Link. "It took all of my savings to buy it for him, and now that I have it, he's going to love it!"
Malon didn't care if she wasn't Link's Secret Santa. Zelda had rigged the slips of paper so that she would guarantee that she got Link... Dirty little rat!
"But it doesn't matter, because my present will completely wipe out hers any day!"
Talon stuck his head in Malon's door as she laughed to herself. "Bes' be getting goin' there, Mal. Yer due at the castle at 8!"
"I know Daddy!" Malon giggled. "I'm just going to call Link real quick and see if I can pick up any last minute clues for his present!"
Malon picked up the phone and dialed Link's new number, since he had changed the last two to avoid Ruto.
The phone rang a few times and finally Link answered it. "Hullo?" he said. "Can't talk, must get dressed and go to party!"
"Link!" Malon cooed. "So nice to hear from you!"
"Oh hey Malon!" Link replied. "So, what did you call for? I need to find EXACTLY the right tunic for the job!"
"Linky, um... I got your name in Secret Santa." Malon lied. "And I was wondering what you wanted..."
"Malon? It's 7:15 on Christmas Eve. You don't have time to go get me a present now."
"Sure I do!" she retorted. "What do you want?"
"Aw... well... there is this one thing... I want it more than anything else in the world!"
"REALLY?" Malon gasped, grabbing a paper and pencil.
"Yeah... it's so cool... I want one SO bad... If I had one, I'd be the happiest guy alive!"
"Oh great! I'd be happy to get it for you, Link! What is it? Is it that new bow they're selling over in Kakariko?"
"No..."
"Is it that sword-waxing kit?"
"No..."
"A NEW SADDLE FOR EPONA!" Malon gasped, staring in disbelief at the saddle she had wrapped for Link only minutes before.
"No! A Harry Potter action figure!"
Malon gasped, and dropped the paper in surprise. "What?"
"A Harry Potter action figure!" Link said like a little boy. "I'm the BIGGEST Harry Potter fan in the world! Oh yeah! I have all the books, AND their collector's editions! And I have the entire trading card game collection! The day the movie came out, I painted a lightning bolt on my forehead! I've seen the movie 346 times!"
Malon stood, wide eyed and mouth open. "Um..."
"I want the REGULAR Harry action figure! The one that comes with a wand and an owl!" Link said. "Not the one that comes with the hat and the spellbook! I have four of those! But the ORIGINAL, EDITION ONE Harry Potter figures with Hedwig and wand are SO RARE! I WOULD KILL FOR ONE!"
Malon's heart sank. "Oh..."
"Oh wow, I'd better get going! I'm so excited! I can't wait for the party!" he giggled. "See ya, Mal!"
Click.
Malon stared at the wall in disbelief for a minute, and sighed. "Huh. Well, what Linky wants, Linky gets!"
She threw on her jacket and packed up her wallet and Link's old present (maybe she could pawn it or trade it for an action figure...), and raced out into the barn, grabbing the fastest horse that she and her father owned.
"To K-Mart!" she cried, racing off into the night and the snow in search of the only thing that would make Link happy.
HOW GANONDORF ATTEMPTED TO STEAL CHRISTMAS (How The Grinch Stole Christmas)
Every Hylian and Gerudo liked Christmas a lot
But this one evil king in the desert did NOT
While the desert girls danced and sang and decorated
He sat back and whined about all which he hated
"I hate their dumb carols and stupid gift giving...
I hate all their joy and their cheerful style of living...
But most of all, the absolute, undeniable WORSE
Is that stupid holiday they call Christmas! WHAT A CURSE!"
Ganondorf sat in his high kingly tower
With a frown on his face, while he sat and he glowered
At Nabooru and the others, so cheerful below
Decking the halls with holly and bright mistletoe
Drinking their eggnog and Christmas party punch
Eating gingerbread cookies and candy for lunch...
"Look at them down there! It makes me so sick!
How those Gerudos of mine could be so awfully thick!
Can't they see it's commercial? This holiday cheer...
This retail conspiracy comes once a year...
But that's not the reason I'm whining and spited!
ZELDA'S HAVING A PARTY AND I'M NOT INVITED!"
The evil king stared at the envelope shiny
With its handwriting fancy and ever-so-tiny
"Dear Ganondorf, head Gerudo of relation,
Please accept this formal UN-invitation
I take insult at you blowing up my fair land
So when Christmas Eve comes you can talk to the hand
Cause I'm not having you at my party of Yule!
Sincerely,
Zelda, Princess of Hyrule"
Ganondorf scowled even harder than ever before
And threw the empty envelope against the door
Then he got an idea- A nasty idea that he'd never thought
"So everyone else is going... And so I am not...
Why should I sit here all upset and bumming?
I THINK THAT I'M GONNA STOP CHRISTMAS FROM COMING!"
Ganon packed up his big bag of sorcery trickers
And walked out the door with a sneer and a snicker
"Zelda thinks her party will be a great affair...
Let's just see how she likes it once I have been there!"
DARUNIA AND LL IN: CLAUS ENCOUNTERS OF THE WEIRD KIND (The Santa Clause)
Darunia struggled with the tape for a few more seconds, and then finally ripped off a big piece, placing it delicately on top of the mess of a package that he had attempted to wrap.
"It's gorgeous!" he beamed, giving it a pat. "LL will love it!"
"Big Brother!" yelled one of the Gorons, "Hurry up! We can't start the Christmas Eve feast without you!"
"I'm coming!" Darunia called. "Wow, I've got so much to do tonight... First, the feast... then I have to finish wrapping all my presents for the others, and then finally I'll head to Zelda's Christmas Eve party!"
Darunia adjusted his bright red bow tie and then raced outside to join the other Gorons, who were all staring with wide eyes at the pile of rocks they had all spent weeks preparing.
Darunia took his place at the head of the table, and cleared his throat. "Friends... Gorons... It's that time of the year again! Christmas is in the air, and everyone is happy!"
"WE'LL BE HAPPIER WHEN WE CAN EAT!" one Goron yelled.
"Would anyone like to say Grace?" asked Darunia.
LL stood up meekly. "I have a special Grace written, Dad!"
"Oh boy!" Darunia grinned. "OK then! Go ahead! Everyone shut up! LL's gonna say Grace!"
The Gorons all bowed their heads in silence, and LL read off the crumpled paper.
"Good food... Good meat... Good God... let's eat."
And with that, hundreds of napkins went flying in the air from off the silverware and the Gorons began tearing apart their food, shoving huge chunks of it into their mouths and belching soon afterwards.
It was a sight to behold.
Ten minutes later, every pebble had been eaten, and the Gorons were all sitting back, enjoying their crag-nog and granite bread cookies, while several of them took part in dramatic reenactments of the Nativity and "'Twas the Night Before Christmas".
And finally, at around 7:30, most of the Gorons had run off to bed to dream of dancing and sugarplums and all that crap. All were waiting for the morning when they were hoping to find a great big rock or a scooter or a new pair of rolling shoes under the Christmas rock. (There are no trees on Death Mountain)
Only Darunia was still awake. He was getting ready to go to the big Christmas party at Hyrule Castle.
The entire city was softly rumbling from a volcanic tremor that always happened on Christmas Eve, and Darunia was humming "We Three Kings" as he did his hair.
"Weeee three kiiiings of Orient are trying to smoke a rubber cigar. But it was loaded and then it exploded and now we're on yonder-"
CRASH!
"AAAGGGH!"
WUMP!
"What the heck was that?" Darunia gasped, looking around frantically.
LL stumbled out of bed and into Darunia's room. "Dad... what was that sound?"
"I don't know, son. It sounded like it came from outside the city!"
The two Gorons raced to the top of the city and out the door, to see a horrible sight that was actually quite often seen in Christmas movies.
There, sprawled out in the dirt with a giant lump on his head was the man in red himself! Santa Claus!
The sleigh and all the reindeer were hovering patiently in the air above him, and the bag of toys had spilled out all over the place.
"Holy CRAP!" LL shrieked. "Santa's DEAD!"
"Wait, wait, let me check..." Darunia mumbled, stepping quietly over to the fat man on the ground. "No, he's just unconscious. He must have been hit by some rubble flying out of the volcano."
"But Dad!" LL wailed, "How are all the children of the world going to get their presents if Santa's unconscious on the ground in front of our house!?!?!"
Darunia began to answer, but then was quiet. "I... Uh..."
"Gee, Dad." LL asked. "Do you think this will be like all those Christmas specials where the kid and his or her dad are in the middle of a argument or a conflict and then Santa crash lands out front and then they take the sleigh and the reindeer and decide to drop off all the Christmas presents to all the kids of the world and on the way learn the true meaning of Christmas and get over their fighting and live happily ever after?"
"I think so, son." Darunia said, hopping into the sleigh and taking the reins. "Hop on! We've got to save Christmas!"
RUTO'S WONDERFUL LIFE (It's a Wonderful Life)
"Christmas! What a waste!" Ruto sobbed, opening up the makeshift oven door in her cave all the way in Zora's Domain. "It's not even worth it if you don't have anyone to share it with!"
She lit a single match and threw it into the oven, igniting a bright flame.
The Zora Princess was wearing a parka and earmuffs, with four pairs of mitten on each of her fins in addition to sixteen leg warmers on each leg. "It's too cold in here!" she wailed again, shivering.
Christmas was never a very comfortable time for Zoras, what with their living in the water and being sensitive to temperature and all. But they enjoyed celebrating it anyway.
Except for Ruto, that is.
She had recently been blown off by her reluctant fiancé. AGAIN. And this time, she didn't see any reason to go on.
Ruto sniffled again, and put on another parka. "It's too cold in here... Where I'm going, it's never cold..."
Suddenly the door of her room was flung open, and a frantic figure in pink raced in.
"RUTO! HOLY CRAP, I WAS ALMOST TOO LATE!" Nabooru shrieked, all decked out in her Christmas best for Zelda's big Christmas party that night.
"Nabooru? What are you doing here?" sighed Ruto.
"You were supposed to meet me at Lake Hylia so we could head to the castle for the party! But then I heard from some Zora that you were planning on going somewhere where Link could never dump you again! Oh thank goodness I got here before..." Nabooru said all in one breath.
"Huh? Nabooru, what are you..."
"An oven? Ohhh, Ruto that's an awful way to do it..." Nabooru shuddered.
"Nabooru! What the heck are you talking about!?" Ruto shrieked. "There IS no other way for me to warm up my room!"
"Oh Ruto, take a look at yourself! Do you know how terrible life would be without you in the world?" Nabooru said consolingly, patting Ruto on her shoulder.
"Huh? Nabooru, what's the matter with you? What are you talking about?"
Nabooru smiled pleadingly. "Please Ruto, don't do this! I'm going to show you! It's in my powers, Spirit, you know... Come on! I'm going to show you what life would be like if you were never born!"
"Wow, cool." Ruto said. "But where did you get the idea that-"
"Oh thank you for reconsidering, kid! It's such a tragedy that someone so young..."
"Nabooru!"
"And look at all you have to live for! I'm going to show you that you're a vital part of this world!"
"Nabooru! LISTEN TO ME!" Ruto yelled. "What are you talking about?"
"Come on!" Nabooru yelled. "We haven't a moment to lose! Remember, Zelda's party starts at 8:00!"
The Spirit Sage put her hands together and the room was filled with bright orange light, and Ruto gasped.
"Nabooru... HEY! WHY AREN'T YOU LISTENING TO-"
And the pair vanished!
RAURU'S CHRISTMAS CAROL (A Christmas Carol)
"Bah, HUMBUG!" Rauru snapped, slamming the door in the caroler's faces.
The old man lived all alone in the Sacred Realm, and he liked it that way. No pesky kids to spoil his quiet days or to trample his begonias there.
"Humbug! Christmas!" Rauru growled, plopping down on the couch again. "I may be a Sage, but that doesn't mean I run around celebrating stupid holidays like Christmas! Humbug!"
No one seemed to know why Rauru hated Christmas so much. Maybe he didn't receive exactly what he wanted one year. Maybe it's because someone he loved dearly died near Christmas. No one knew. But the old Light Sage hated Christmas with a passion, and was determined not to let anyone ruin his silent, lonely holiday for him.
But since I'm the narrator and I know everything about the characters and what they're thinking, I'll tell you why Rauru hated Christmas.
Once, when he was twelve, after a joyful Thanksgiving, young Rauru had begun to pack on pounds, like everyone does. But it was because of his extra pounds that he had caused a terrible accident.
All he had wanted for Christmas that year was a brand new baseball bat. A big, beautiful, polished wooden baseball bat.
But his family had been too poor to buy him one... So young Rauru had to survive without hope of receiving his new baseball bat.
On Christmas Eve of that fateful year, his father had arrived home with packages of gifts for everyone. Rauru sat by the fireplace near the stairwell, knowing that his baseball bat was not among them.
"Here you go, son..." his father had said, handing Rauru a long package with bright wrapping paper.
"Thanks..." he had mumbled glumly.
Rauru took his present into the kitchen to celebrate over dinner with his family, and they all sat down to a delicious Christmas goose.
In the course of the meal, Mrs. Rauru's Dad had dropped her new earrings from her son onto the floor.
"Oh Rauru honey, could you please get those for me?" she asked.
Rauru stood up and bent over to get them while clutching his gift, but his gigantic butt knocked over his glass of milk, starting a horrible chain reaction.
Trying to avoid splashing milk on her new dress, Mrs. Rauru's Dad had leaped up out of her seat, crushing the cat's tail with her chair leg. The cat screamed, and jumped up onto Rauru's Dad's face. Rauru's Dad screamed in pain, and began stumbling around, trying to get the cat off. As he did, he knocked over a book on the bookshelf, which caused a Domino effect and knocked a heavy statue of a bowling ball off the shelf and onto a fork on the table that was loaded with mashed potatoes.
The scalding hot spuds had flown through the air, splattering into Rauru's head. Of course, Rauru screamed and lost his balance, falling over backwards...
And down the stairwell, clutching his gift and screaming all the way.
When they finally got Mrs. Rauru's Dad's old thumbtack collection that had ever-so-conveniently been placed at the bottom of the stairs removed from her son's butt, they told Rauru that a terrible thing had happened as he fell.
Inside the box was that same beautiful, brand new baseball bat that Rauru had asked for. But as he fell, it splintered in the box and Rauru got his poor hands loaded up with splinters. He could never partake in his favorite sport of jigsaw puzzle assembly again.
And THAT'S why Rauru hated Christmas.
Anyway, the old Sage of Light was watching Oprah when it happened. He heard a clunk outside his living room.
"Bah, Humbug! Who are you?" he snapped.
"RAURUUUUUUU..." a voice wailed.
"What?"
"RAURUUUUUUU..." the same voice wailed again.
Suddenly, the door swung open and a figure wrapped up in chains and locks and ropes and irons of all sizes clunked into the room.
"AAGGGGHHH!" shrieked Rauru at the top of his lungs. "TAKE THIS, YOU CAD!"
He pulled out a shotgun, and the figure just shook his head and sighed.
"Rauru, Rauru... You don't even recognize your old childhood friend?"
Rauru stopped. "D-D-Dampé?"
It was the ghost of Dampé the gravekeeper of Kakariko! Rauru's old buddy from high school!
"That's right!" Dampé said. "And I've had it about up to here with your whining and groaning about how much you hate Christmas! And apparently, so have the spirits!"
"Dampé!" Rauru gasped. "What... what happened to you?"
"I DIED!" Dampé screamed angrily. "DUUH!"
"What are those chains?" Rauru whimpered.
"Oh, I tripped over a box and fell into a locksmith's shop on my way over here." Dampé explained. "Now listen up! The other ghosts and I are sick of your moping around! What happened to you on Christmas all those years ago was an ACCIDENT! Get over it!"
"GET OVER IT?" Rauru shrieked, "I was scheduled to be in the Hyrule-wide Jigsaw Tournament! But that stupid baseball bat splintered me up so bad I could never use my hands again!"
"Yeah? And you should hate Christmas because of it?" Dampé shot back.
Rauru thought for a minute. "Uh... yeah. BAH HUMBUG! Now get the heck outta my house!"
Dampé shook his head worriedly. "Tsk, tsk... Because you won't let me convince you to be nice, I guess we'll just have to do this the hard way."
"What hard way?" Rauru said, ducking behind his sofa.
"Tonight you will be visited by three ghosts of Christmas." Dampé explained.
"Past, Present, and Future?" asked Rauru.
"Nope. They were busy dealing with some dude named 'Scrooge', so you get the OTHER three ghosts of Christmas. They're going to show up here and convince you that you're being a stinky old coot."
"They can't convince me!" Rauru snapped. "Now get your dead butt outta my house."
"Tsk, tsk," Dampé sighed. "And I know all those embarrassing high school stories about you, too..."
Rauru's eyes widened, and Dampé began to back out of the room.
"EXPECT THE FIRST GHOST WHEN THE BELL TOLLS 7:45!" Dampé wailed. "Wait a second... IT IS 7:45! ALL RIGHTY THEN! EXPECT THE FIRST GHOST WHEN THE BELL TOLLS 7:45 AND FIVE SECONDS, AKA RIGHT-"
Dampé disappeared into a flash of smoke, and another blazing bright light appeared in the room.
Rauru ducked farther behind his sofa. "Uh oh..."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Don't go away! There's plenty of Christmas cheer to go around! Stay tuned for the conclusions to the stories! Bring the eggnog! It's going to be SPECTACULAR!
