Tingle All the Way


Malon rode on for what seemed like hours through the blinding snow and cold. She had only packed a light jacket, and she was shivering with cold.
Finally, she saw it... A beacon of hope, a beacon of freedom from the bitterness of the ice and snow...
A giant red K.
"K-MART! I'VE NEVER BEEN SO GLAD TO SEE YOU IN MY LIFE!" she grinned, hopping off the horse and trudging through the knee-deep snow to the front door...
Where she found at least 200 other people bundled up in all sorts of winter clothing, counting their money and pounding on the door.
Malon was shocked. "What... what are you all doing here? Why aren't you at home with your families?"
"Probably the same reason as you, sweetie," a large man replied. "They're having a Christmas Eve sale! EVERYTHING is 75% off!"
"GREAT!" Malon cried jubilantly. "Excellent! So I'll get Link's present, and then head to the castle for the party... oh yes!"
"What are you here for?" asked a woman.
"A Harry Potter action figure." Malon said simply.
The crowd of potential shoppers looked around at each other, and then burst out laughing.
"AAAHAHAHAHAA! WOULD YOU LISTEN TO THIS? THIS GIRL THINKS SHE'S GONNA FIND A HARRY POTTER ACTION FIGURE AT 8:00 ON CHRISTMAS EVE! WAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAA!"
Malon's face turned bright red, half from cold and half from embarrassment. "Why are you laughing?"
"We're laughing because there's no way in heaven or on earth you're going to find a Harry Potter action figure now! Those are the most popular toys in the whole world right now!"
"Yeah, kid," added a man with his arm in a sling, a black eye, and a broken nose. "I came here the other day and bought the last one for my little tyke. See? I have a picture!"
The man held up a picture of himself holding up the exact Harry Potter figure that Malon sought with a triumphant look on his face. Six people behind him were holding baseball bats, and a few were trying to snatch it out of his hands.
"I broke my nose in twelve places trying to get out of that store!" the man laughed.
Malon's eyes widened. "Well... they must have gotten a new shipment, right?"
The crowd of potential shoppers looked around at each other, and then burst out laughing.

A small squeaky-voiced teenage employee of the K-Mart came outside holding a large megaphone. So large, in fact, it was a bit too heavy for him.
"Welcome to K-Mart's Christmas Eve sale!" he yelled. "We have a new shipment of Harry Potter toys on aisle 10, and... well, I don't know why anyone else would be here if they didn't want Harry Potter toys... And we'll be opening the doors in 10 minutes, so please-"
The teenage employee was interrupted by the shattering of glass as two-hundred and one shoppers burst into the store on a mad buying rampage.
"I was about to say that the doors open automatically!" the teenager whined.

Inside, Malon found herself pushing and shoving in a mad rush to get to the all-popular aisle 10. But the crowd of shoppers running each other over to get to the Harry Potter aisle didn't make it easy.
"HEY! MOVE IT! OUTTA THE WAY! I NEED A HARRY POTTER TOY!" Malon shrieked, shoving a few other customers.
"SO WHAT MAKES YOU SO SPECIAL!?" screamed back a bunch of other customers.
Malon scowled, and then found a big aluminum baseball bat oh-so-conveniently placed on a shelf near where she stood.
"OUTTA THE WAY!" she screamed again.
When the wave of shoppers didn't disperse, Malon taught them a thing or two about batting stance.
"OUCH!"
"YEEEOUCH!"
"HEY!"
"WHACK!"

Finally, Malon cleared her own way onto aisle 10, where she became involved in a wrestling match to get to the shelves with all the Hogwart's goodies.
"Move it, lardo!" Malon shrieked, kicking a fat man in the gut and slapping an old lady with her purse.
"AT LAST!" Malon cried joyfully. "I reached the shelf of... board games? NO, NO, NO! I want the ACTION FIGURES!"
Suddenly, a push in the crowd sent Malon flying onto the shelf of board games, sending the boxes flying into the crowd. "OUCH!" she whined.
"HOORAY!" yelled the lucky customers who caught the board games.
Malon looked around the shelf she was on frantically. If she could find an action figure from here...
So, "swimming" along the shelf, Malon finally reached the section of the shelf marked with "ACTION FIGURES", and seeing a break in the crowd right in front of it, she leaped into it and looked up at the shelf.
There were NO ACTION FIGURES LEFT!
"HEY! THEY'RE ALL GONE!" one woman cried.
"BUT MY SON WANTED ONE SO BAD!" a man shouted.
Suddenly, the same teenage employee came on the loudspeaker with an announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I regret to inform you that we are currently out of Harry Potter toys. But don't worry! Because we just received a shipment of Lord of the Rings action figures on aisle 19, and-"
There was the sound of glass breaking and every single customer who was on aisle 10 immediately stampeded off to aisle 19, trampling poor Malon underfoot as they did.

Woozy and bruised, Malon sat up groggily, and surveyed the mess that was aisle 10.
Price tags and cardboard and sale signs and pieces of the shelves lay all over the floor, and every shelf was stripped bare of everything, except for huge stacks of papers announcing the Christmas Eve sale that patrons had dropped in their rush.
"No! No, no, no! They can't all be gone! They just can't be!" Malon wailed, looking around.
Nope, they were all gone.
Not one Spellcaster Playset nor Professor Snape Potion Class kit was left. Not a single special edition Professor Quirrell figurine or Nimbus 2000 replica was still in the store.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Malon screamed, dropping to her knees and tearing out her hair. "I HAVE THE CHANCE TO BUY THE PERFECT PRESENT FOR LINK, AND I BLOW IT! WAAAAAA!"
All of a sudden, a single screw that was holding one of the shelves together tumbled out of place and hit a large messy pile of paper. It made a small WHUMP noise, and then bounced onto the floor.
Malon stared at the screw, and then at the paper. Metal shelves didn't make WHUMP noises... and paper didn't either...

She scrambled over to the shelf and brushed the papers aside.
There, in the pile of papers, was a cardboard backing much like you would see on a Harry Potter action figure...
"ONE LEFT!" Malon gasped. "I AM SO LUCKY! But... is it...the one Link wanted?"
She picked up the package and was delighted to see that it was heavy... There WAS an action figure inside, but which one?
She slowly turned over the package...
And staring back at her was a plastic boy with blackish hair, green eyes, and a lightning bolt scar on his forehead.
"IT IS THE RIGHT ONE!" Malon shrieked. "LOOK! THERE'S THE WAND! AND THE LITTLE OWL! HOLY CRAP, I DID IT! YESSSSSS!"
She hugged the package like it was her own child, and then leaped into the air, landing on her knees and holding up the package triumphantly, "Mary Katherine Gallagher" style.
"HARRY POTTER!" she squealed with joy.
In all her happiness, Malon didn't hear a buzzing in the air over her head. But she DID feel her hands get lighter.
"HEY!" Malon shrieked, leaping to her feet.
Hovering in the air above her, holding Malon's precious Harry Potter action figure, was a very, very psychotic, very, very scary-looking little man with a huge beak-like nose, a red face and a weird beard, with one single eyebrow over his very drunkish-looking eyes. He wore a bright green jumpsuit with red underpants on the outside, and was floating in the air by a bright red balloon that was coming out of his pants.
"OOOH! Harry Potter!" Tingle grinned. "Tingle have been looking all over for you! You will make wonderful centerpiece on Tingle's Christmas dinner table!"
"HEY PAL!" Malon shrieked, "That's mine! I found it first!"
"Did not!" Tingle giggled.
"Did too!"
"Did not!" Tingle giggled.
"DID TOO! NOW GIVE IT BACK BEFORE I BEAT YOU TO A SCARY GREEN PULP!" she squealed.
"OOH! White clothes, red hair... ma'am, could you by chance be a GIRL WHO'S JUST LOST HER HARRY POTTER ACTION FIGURE? Tingle knew it!" Tingle giggled maniacally. Then he zoomed off towards the check-out counter.
"YOU LITTLE BASTARD!" Malon shrieked angrily. She grabbed the screw that had helped her find the action figure in the first place, and said a little prayer.
"HELP MY AIM BE TRUE, LITTLE SCREW!" she whispered, chucking the screw with great speed and careful and precise accuracy, where it hit Tingle by his butt-balloon, popping in and sending the little freak flying into a dog pile of customers fighting over a single Frodo action figure.

"OOCH! OUCH! YOU HURT TINGLE!" Tingle shrieked in pain from within the dog pile.
Malon laughed, and raced over to where her beloved Gryffindor Harry had landed.
"There you are, little friend!" Malon smiled. "Now, let's go to the checkout counter!"
Suddenly, she heard a whistle from behind her, and when she turned around, she got a nasty surprise.
Tingle, who was only about waist high on Malon, waved at her cheerfully and then sank his razor sharp little teeth into her ankle.
"OW! OW! OW! IT'S BITING ME! IT'S BITING ME!" she screamed. "HEEEELP! IT'S BITING ME!"
Tingle was like a little bulldog or something. He would not let go of Malon's ankle, no matter how many times she slammed him in the door of a little plastic playhouse and now matter how many times she hit him with her trusty crowd-dispersing baseball bat.
"I'M GONNA GET RABIES!" she wailed, kicking Tingle with her other foot. Finally, Tingle let go and jumped up onto Malon's head, pulling her hair and trying to snatch the action figure out of her hands.
"GIVE TINGLE POTTY-POT-POTTER AND TINGLE WILL LEAVE RED ALONE!"
"DON'T CALL ME RED, YOU LITTLE PERVERT!" Malon squealed.
Seconds later, Tingle jumped off her head, snatched the action figure out of Malon's grip, and raced down the bike aisle.
"NOOOO! GET BACK HERE!" Malon shrieked.

Before she could stop him, Tingle leaped into a Power Wheels Barbie Beach Cruiser Jeep and hit "Forward" on the simple controls. The car began to roll along steadily at .34 miles an hour on its way towards the sports equipment aisle and the checkout.
"Oh no you don't!" Malon cried, jumping into a Power Wheels Volkswagen Beetle.
It was a very thrilling chase, watching two fully-grown adults race each other around the bike aisle, with Tingle taunting Malon with her action figure and Malon shouting profanities.
"DOESN'T THIS THING GO ANY FASTER?!" she screamed. "AHA!"
Malon saw the small switch with three pictures on it. One was of a turtle, with SLOW written next to it. The next had a picture of a car, with NORMAL written on it. There was then a rabbit and a cheetah with the words FAST and REALLY FAST, followed by a jet plane with the word TURBO. And finally, there was the button Malon was looking for. It was a picture of a person with their cheeks stretching backwards as if going extremely fast, written next to it was LUDICROUS SPEED.
"AHA!" she giggled wickedly, pressing the switch to LUDICROUS SPEED and hitting the tiny plastic gas pedal.
The little Slug Bug kicked into action at a thrilling 5 miles an hour, and Malon quickly caught up to Tingle.
Tingle stared at her, and then at the baseball bat she was holding.
WHACK!
The little elf-wannabe went flying out of the Barbie jeep and into a big shelf display of Legos, and Malon reclaimed the precious action figure, turned right, and headed for the checkout.

Malon turned onto the final aisle in the store... The board game aisle!
And there she found Tingle waiting, with a few surprises on his hands. He had taken all of the blocks that he could find on the aisle surrounding the Lego aisle, and built an impenetrable fortress across the walkway. He sat on top of the nearest shelf, laughing. "Let's see stupid Red pass Tingle's mighty Wall of Doom!"
"You mean that tiny, badly stacked wall of building blocks that I just ran over?" Malon asked coolly.
Tingle snapped to attention and saw that Malon had run over his first wall. "Oh yeah?" he snarled. "Let's see stupid Red pass Tingle's Impenetrable Wall of Legos!"
Malon saw a small wall built of Legos in the middle of the aisle. It was only two feet wide and six inches tall.
Malon turned right and passed by the wall without any trouble at all.
"OH YEAH!?" Tingle shouted, thoroughly angry now. "Let's see stupid Red pass Tingle's Terribly Trivial Wall of Board Games!"
"Oh, ha, ha, I'm so... DEAD!" Malon gasped, when she saw the towering wall of board game boxes that rose all the way up to the top of the aisle and spread all the way across. If she hit them, she'd be crushed in a pile of boxes!
"ABANDON SLUG BUG!" Malon cried, jumping out of the car while still cradling the Harry Potter figure.
The Slug Bug drove another three feet, hit the board game wall, and was crushed to bits in the remains of the toppling tower of Sorry, Connect Four, and Monopoly.
"TINGLE WILL TAKE THAT!" Tingle laughed, jumping off the shelf and grabbing the action figure from the still-dizzy Malon.
"NOOO!" Malon screamed. She raced after Tingle who fled down the sports equipment aisle.
Malon grabbed a baseball and threw it with all her might at Tingle. He deflected it with the package. "HEH HEH!" he laughed.
Tingle then grabbed a lacrosse stick and pitched the ball at Malon, who dodged it.
Malon grabbed a basketball and threw it as hard as she could at Tingle. He bounced it off the package, and laughed again.
Tingle grabbed a gigantic rubber ball and hurled it at Malon. It hit her in the head and knocked her on her butt.
"AHAHAHA!" laughed Tingle, preparing to fold up the cardboard on the action figure and stick it in his backpack.
"NO! DON'T BENT IT!" she screeched. "THAT ACTION FIGURE IS A COLLECTOR'S ITEM FOR MY BOYFRIEND! Or actually, soon to be boyfriend..."
Tingle giggled. "Is that all you got?"
Malon looked around suspiciously, and then grabbed a hockey stick and puck from the shelf. She set the puck on the floor, grabbed the stick, and gave a mighty WHACK!- In a slap shot that would have made Wayne Gretsky jealous.
The puck whizzed through the air, bounced off a basketball hoop up above, deflected off of a large pink rubber ball, and smacked Tingle right in the teeth, knocking the scary little elf out cold, as well as relieving him of ever needing to brush his freaky-looking teeth ever again.
Malon strolled over to Tingle casually, and snatched Harry Potter out of his hands, counting Tingle's teeth on the ground as she did.
"That's for biting me, you little freak." Malon spat, picking up a Barbie that had been knocked off of its rightful shelf during the ball fight, and placing it in the elf's hands.
"Take that home to mama, you little creep!" she snickered, racing to the checkout.

The clerk handed Malon her beloved action figure, and she skipped merrily out to where the horse had lit a fire in a trash can to stay warm.
"Come along, my beloved pony!" she sang. "It's time to give Link his beautiful Gyffindor Harry Potter action figure with Hedwig the owl and with magic wand!"
She bundled up, placing the precious action figure in her saddlebag, and set out for the castle, Zelda's party, and Link.

Malon hadn't been riding more than five minutes when she heard someone singing Wagner's "Flight of the Valkyrie" behind her.
"OH NO!" she screamed when she turned to see who it was.
Tingle, who had come to, had repaired his butt-balloon with one of the huge rubber balls from the sports aisle. He was now coming at Malon with top speed, more than likely to steal her action figure.
"I ALREADY PAID FOR IT! YOU'RE TOO LATE!" Malon shrieked.
"IT NEVER TOO LATE FOR TINGLE!" the maniacal little elf-wannabe laughed, pulling out a bubble gun.
But because it was so cold, each time Tingle fired a bubble, it froze solid and shot at Malon, exploding with the force of a Christmas tree light bulb and stinging like nuts.
"LEAVE ME ALONE!" Malon shrieked.
"GIVE TINGLE HARRY POTTER!" Tingle cried back.
"WHY DO YOU WANT IT SO BAD?" Malon yelled.
"TINGLE WANT JOIN HOGWART'S SCHOOL!" Tingle shouted.
Malon skidded to a halt. "Whaaat?"
"TINGLE TIRED OF TRYING TO BE FOREST FAIRY! TINGLE WANT BE WIZARD LIKE HARRY POTTER!" Tingle shouted. "AND TINGLE CAN'T DO THAT WITHOUT HARRY POTTER ACTION FIGURE TO TEACH TINGLE!"
Malon spurred the horse again, and Tingle tried to speed up. "YOU MORON! IT'S JUST AN ACTION FIGURE! IT CAN'T TEACH YOU HOW TO BE A WIZARD!"
"IT NOT ACTION FIGURE! IT REAL HARRY POTTER, HE BEEN TURNED INTO PLASTIC!" Tingle cried.
"WHAAAT?"
"TINGLE WILL USE FOREST FAIRY MAGIC WORDS TO TURN ACTION FIGURE INTO REAL HARRY POTTER, AND HE TEACH TINGLE TO BE WIZARD!"
"WHAT THE HECK'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?"
"TINGLE DROPPED ON HEAD AS BABY! HOO HOO HOO HOOOO!"
"Fine!" Malon screamed at Tingle. "Believe what you want! But it's MY action figure and I AM NOT GIVING IT UP!"
Malon rode through the miserable cold as fast as she could, forced by Tingle to continue without stopping. The whole time, the weird little dude was screaming about how Harry Potter could teach him this and that and everything, and occasionally using his "magic words" to try and speed up.

But finally, Malon could see it: HYRULE CASTLE! In all its castle-y glory!
She rode right through the town of Hyrule and towards the gates of the castle, with Tingle close behind.
"RED CAN'T WIN AGAINST TINGLE!" Tingle giggled maniacally.
"I'M ALMOST THERE!" Malon shouted.
Suddenly, Malon could see Link's silhouette in one of the high towers of the castle.
"LIIIINK!" she screamed.
He leaned his head out the window. "WHAAAT? OH! MALON! HI!"
"OPEN THE DRAWBRIDGE! QUICK!" Malon squealed.
She was within 20 feet of the drawbridge when it finally lowered enough for her to enter.
She spurred on the horse and screamed, "CLOSE IT! CLOSE IT! CLOSE IT UP AGAIN!"
Malon skidded to a halt in the main entrance hallway, where Link, Impa, Ganondorf, Saria and Zelda were all waiting.
"CLOSE IT!" Malon shrieked.
"IT'S TINGLE! AAGH!" Saria screeched.
"CLOSE IT!" Link yelled.
Zelda began struggling with the drawbridge once again, trying to shut it, while Tingle drew closer...
"Oh, GET OUT OF THE WAY!" Ganondorf cried, pushing Zelda out of the way. He stepped up to the wheel, and spun it like he was playing Wheel of Fortune. The drawbridge slammed shut, and seconds later, there was a loud BANG!
"OWWW!"
Malon collapsed onto a sofa near the door, and the horse collapsed on the arm of the sofa, equally exhausted.
"Malon! What the heck happened?!" Link cried.
"I... I... I... went shopping..." she panted. "Can... I... have... some... eggnog?"
"Uh... sure..." Zelda said. "Come on. The party's upstairs."
Saria walked over to offer Malon a hand up the stairs, and Malon used Saria as a support, pushing down on her head.
"Ow..." Saria whined.
"That was a wonderful spin, my love..." Impa sighed.
"Not as wonderful as the spin my heart did when I laid eyes on you..." Ganondorf replied.
"Yuck! What... happened... to... those...two?" Malon panted.
"Long, LONG story..." Link sighed. "So Malon, who were you shopping for so late on Christmas Eve?"
"You..." Malon smiled happily, her eyes fluttering.
Zelda turned red, and shoved her way in between them. "Yes, yes, good, good. Now then! Malon, you can give Link his present later when the others get here. It's already 8:10... I wonder what could be keeping Rauru, Ruto, Nabooru and Darunia?"
If only she knew...
Once in the party room, Malon collapsed on the couch and dug in her saddlebags when she was sure Link wasn't looking.
She pulled out the little Harry Potter figure in its shiny, new packaging, that was still in perfect condition after all it had been through.
"Oh yes, my little wizard friend..." Malon smiled smugly. "You and I- We make a great team. Just like Link and I... And you're going to help me, too! I think I love you..."
She gave the action figure a great hug, and tucked it back in the bag before leaning back on the sofa, watching the fire, and smiling at her own good luck.

Meanwhile, outside, Tingle dragged himself up out of the snow. "Oooh... Tingle feel so groggy..."
He looked up at the castle door, where he could see an imprint of himself. "AAGH! Red got away with Harry Potter!"
Tingle sighed dejectedly and kicked the snow. "Oh well... C'est la vie..."
The creepy little elf-wannabe then turned towards the castle grounds and scampered off through the snow, surprisingly happy for someone who'd just lost a rare Harry Potter action figure.
Say, Tingle... Why are you so happy anyway?
"Well Miss Narrator Lady... Tingle really wanted Harry Potter and to become a wizard... But don't forget: Tingle knows there's always E-Bay!"
Then Tingle skipped merrily the rest of the way across the grounds and back to wherever he had come from.
But Tingle didn't notice that when he hit the drawbridge, it had left a small, lightning-bolt shaped scar on his forehead, right in between his eyes...

~~THE END~~