RUTO'S WONDERFUL LIFE


"WHOA! NABOORUUUUUUUUUUU!" Ruto shrieked, leaping into the Spirit Sage's arms as the orange glow began to whisk them away to some weirdo spirit world.
"Oh Ruto, that's it!" Nabooru cooed. "Let out your frustrations! Don't keep them cooped up like you have been, or you'll explode in a great burst of anger, and you're only hurting yourself!"
Swirly magic orange stuff was floating like bubbles all around them, and it was beginning to get very warm. Ruto shed her parka, earmuffs, mittens, fin warmers, parka, parka, and three pairs of socks. "Nabooru..." Ruto said, once she was finished. "You... didn't have to do this."
"Of course I did!" Nabooru said proudly. "You're a friend, and everyone would be SO sad if you weren't alive!"
Ruto froze. "Not alive? What?"
"Oh, I understand, Ruto... trying to block that horrible moment from your memory, when you decided that it wasn't worth living anymore..."
"NOT LIVING!? NABOORU!" Ruto shrieked. "YOU THOUGHT... YOU THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO..."
"Now, now, Ruto... I know it seems like it was a dumb idea now, but I'm going to make sure that you never even think about it ever again!" Nabooru said soothingly, patting Ruto on her shoulder.
Ruto stared forward with her eyes wide open in disbelief. "Uh... heh..." she half-giggled. "Gee... thanks, Nab... I guess..."
"Oh look! We're almost here!" Nabooru cooed. "All right Ruto, now listen to me: We are now in the Spirit world. Because I am Sage of Spirit, I can show you this. This is an exact replica of how Hyrule would be if you had never been born."
"Then shouldn't I be dead now?" Ruto snapped. She wasn't very happy at Nabooru's lack of faith in her.
"No, no... no one can see us or hear us, or feel us. Think of it as being in a movie... only the other movie guys can't see you." Nabooru explained. "I'll prove to you once and for all that Hyrule is a better place because of you!"

Suddenly, the orange glow faded and Nabooru and Ruto found themselves standing on the ledge by the waterfall outside Zora's Domain.
"Whoa!" Ruto gasped, grabbing her head. "That was wild..."
"Look! It's Zora's Domain!" Nabooru smiled. "Your house. Let's see how your father and the other Zoras are doing now that you don't exist anymore."
Nabooru stepped back, took a running leap at the waterfall, and jumped high up into the air. A quick updraft caught the legs of her pink formal parachute pants and she floated gently around the waterfall and into the cave of Zora's Domain.
"Wow... I didn't know her pants could do that." Ruto shrugged, following her.

The Ruto-less Zora's Domain was an amazingly similar place to the real Zora's Domain. There were hundreds of other Zoras all relaxing, diving, swimming, catching fish, and playing Bingo.
"This is what Zora's Domain would look like if you had never been born!" Nabooru said. "Isn't it horrible?"
Ruto raised a non-existent fishy eyebrow. "Nabooru... it looks like they're in paradise."
Ruto caught sight of a young male Zora, who was happily stretched out in a chair, dozing. He looked more relaxed than she had ever seen him.
"Yep... that's Nutball Ned if I ever saw him." Ruto sighed.
"Who?"
"Nutball Ned. That guy over there asleep on the lawn chair. He was supposed to be my first husband!" Ruto wailed. "After our first date he was never the same again. Got all jumpy. Got all... freaky and insane and spastic. So they renamed him Nutball Ned. He always was a weird one, that Ned..."
"He looks pretty happy to me," Nabooru said.
"Yeah, well now that I don't exist he's probably VERY happy." Ruto snapped.
Another Zora walked up to Ned, and handed him a newspaper. "Congratulations, Ned!" the Zora said. "You've just won the Hobel Prize for Notable Hylians for finding the cure for Scarlet Scale Syndrome!"
"Oh?! Why thank you Albert... I'm just glad that I put an end to pain and suffering for Zoras everywhere."
Ruto heard this and burst into tears.
"What's the matter?" asked Nabooru.
"SCARLET SCALE SYNDROME," Ruto shrieked, "IS THE NUMBER-ONE CAUSE OF DEATH IN ZORAS! Your scales get red and itchy and inflamed, and then you choke to death on your own scale mucus-"
"Ewww, gross!" Nabooru groaned.
"If I had never existed, Ned wouldn't have gone nuts and he would have cured Scarlet Scale Syndrome!" Ruto shrieked. "AAAGGH!"
"Now, now..." Nabooru said reassuringly, patting Ruto's big head. "We don't know that the world is better for it... Your father! You're your father's pride and joy! Let's see how he's getting along without you!"
"OK..." Ruto sniffled.

The throne room was a rather upsetting place for Ruto. A healthy-looking young Zora man was sitting on her father's throne, surrounded by beautiful Zora girls who were feeding him.
"Yeah baby... I DID win the Annual Zora Reunion Swimming Competition this year..." the Zora dude chuckled. "But please, ladies, my heart belongs to my beautiful wife."
"WHO IS THAT!?" shrieked Ruto. "AND WHAT IS HE DOING ON MY FATHER'S THRONE!?"
"I don't know!" Nabooru said, shaking her head. "Kind of weird, isn't it?"
Ruto ran up near the speaking podium and read the sign next to it.
"King Zora XII..." she read.
She snapped her head up and looked at the muscular Zora. Then Ruto looked back at the sign. Back and forth... Back and forth...
"AAAAAAAAGGGGGH!" Ruto screeched. "THAT IS MY FATHER!"
"WHAT?" Nabooru gasped, staring at the sign. "It can't be!"
"IT IS!" Ruto wailed. She raced up beside the guy who would be her father, and examined him carefully.
"IT IS MY DAD!" Ruto wailed. "LOOK! HE'S EVEN GOT THAT TATTOO OF LORD JABU-JABU ON HIS-"
"AAGH! Ruto! TMI! TMI! Too Much Info!" Nabooru groaned.
Ruto flopped down on King Zora's throne and buried her head in her hands. "Look at him! He's young! He's muscular! He's healthy! When I was born he turned into a giant fat blob with an eating disorder!"
"You don't know that..." Nabooru weakly suggested. But the look on her face wasn't very reassuring.
Suddenly, Ruto heard a voice that for some reason filled her with loathing and hatred... "Oh Father! Father!"
"Hey! It's Otur!" King Zora said happily. "Girls, I want you to meet my lovely daughter Otur!"
A Zora who could have been Ruto's identical twin came skipping merrily into the room, carrying with her a big bouquet of flowers, with a big smile on her face and two sickeningly cute pink bows on her head.
"Hello, Father!" Otur grinned, cutsying. "I have brought you some flowers! I do hope you will enjoy them!"
"Oh Otur, of course I will!" King Zora beamed. "See ladies? My daughter is the sweetest, most beautiful girl in the world, Zora or no!"
"Why thank you ever so much, Father Dear!" Otur giggled, curtsying again.
Ruto stared, nostrils flaring at the annoyingly cute girl. "WHO IS THAT, NABOORU!?" she snarled.
"That's your sister... Well, it would have been. I guess when you were born you were such a troublemaker that King Zora never wanted another child. But since you don't exist, your father and mother had what would have been their second child first, and bang! There's Otur."
"Otur, do show the ladies the trick that you showed me the other day!" King Zora smiled proudly.
Otur giggled, and began a Shirley Temple-style tap dance, complete with dimples and rosy cheeks. "Animal crackers in my soup! Monkeys and rabbits loop-de-loop!" she sang.
Then she finished with great flourish and a curtsy, just before pointing to one of her dimples and giggling.
"AWWWW!" cooed the Zoras.
Ruto turned red in anger. "I think I'm going to be SICK!"
"Oh thank you, you are too kind!" Otur giggled.
"She's so sweet!" one of the Zora women sighed.
"She's so adorable!" another one added.
"I wish I had a daughter like that!" a third smiled.
"I'm just so glad she didn't turn out wild and tomboyish with a big obsession for men and especially certain men with blond hair, blue eyes and green clothes." King Zora grinned. "But remember what Daddy told you, Otur darling?"
"Hylian Men are like milk! They are sweet at first but because they do not stay cold in water they turn sour!" Otur recited.
Ruto's eyes flashed with immense hatred for her non-existent sister. "That's disgusting..." she muttered viciously as Otur curtsied again and sang, "Boop-oop-be-doop!"
"Well Father, I had best be going!" Otur giggled shyly. "I have ever so much homework to do! But I shall do it happily so that I make you proud, Father! Ta-ta!"
"Ta-ta Otur, darling!" King Zora cooed.
And with that Otur skipped merrily out of the room while singing "My Favorite Things".
Ruto stood up, glared at her father angrily and stomped out of the room after Otur, with Nabooru close behind.

"Aw, come on Ruto, it wasn't that bad!" Nabooru pointed out as Ruto stomped angrily after Otur.
"'HELLO! I'M OTUUUUUUUR!'" Ruto snarled mockingly. "'I HAVE NO BRAIN AND I CANNOT USE CONTRACTIONS AND I AM SO PEEEEERFECT THAT I SHOULD BE BEATEN WITH A STIIIIIICK!'"
In all her rage, Ruto snatched a stick from where it was resting by the wall, and ran up behind Otur. She raised the stick over her head and smashed it down, cracking it in half over her non-existent sister's head.
"Ouch!" Otur whimpered. "Oh, that hurt ever so badly! I wonder who could have been ever so rude to have broken that stick over my head?"
"Oh shove it up your tentacle you royal pain in the neck!" Ruto snarled, pushing Otur off the ledge and onto a rocky island in the water below.
"AIEEEEE!" Otur squealed.
"Nabooru, I appreciate this and all..." Ruto snapped, "But I'm feeling more depressed now than I ever did before!"
"Don't worry, don't worry..." Nabooru said confidently. "This is only Zora's Domain! Maybe things are better here because you don't exist, but for all we know the whole rest of the world is in terrible shape!"
Nabooru snapped her fingers and the orange light appeared again, whisking them off to another place. "Here. We'll go to Hyrule castle and see how things are there!"

They arrived outside the gates to the castle town within seconds.
"The field looks pretty much the same..." Ruto mumbled.
"HEY LOOK!" Nabooru gasped, pointing at the seal over the gate of the castle.
Instead of the eagle and Triforce crest, it was the crest of a crescent moon and a tiny black star...
"Oh no!" Nabooru gasped. "Ganondorf! He's taken over Hyrule!"
"But how?" Ruto cried.
"The Sages... Ruto, since you don't exist, there is no Sage of Water! The Six Sages aren't Six anymore... and because the Six Sages aren't whole without you, they couldn't stop Ganondorf trying to steal the Triforce!"
"I AM IMPORTANT!" Ruto wailed happily.
"Come on now... let's go inside and see what kind of terrible havoc Ganondorf has wreaked upon this world!"

That terrible havoc turned out to be a major expansion of the castle town, which now had grown to be the home of all the Gerudo, as well as a major number of Gorons and Zoras. All were living peacefully and prosperously, and going about their daily business.
"WHAT!?!" Ruto gasped.
"NO WAY!" Nabooru gulped. "How... why is it so... clean? And why is everyone so happy?"
"Oh, we're all so happy!" one old woman commented to a young man near her.
"Yes! For all that fear of Lord Ganondorf and his Gerudos... and then when they finally take over the world he turns out to be the best ruler we've ever had!"
"What about the monsters?" shrieked Ruto.
"And those monsters... not so monstrous at all, are they? They helped us build our cities... fight off invaders... and they protect our homes while we sleep!" another young woman added.
"Lord Ganondorf is the best king we've ever had!" grinned an old man. "LONG LIVE LORD GANONDORF! LONG LIVE LORD GANONDORF!"
Ruto stared at Nabooru, who was gazing around at the new castle town unbelievingly.
"So Nabooru... you mean to tell me... that because I never existed and because the Sages couldn't help Link stop Ganondorf... Hyrule was thrown into a period of prosperity and wealth? AND PEACE?!"
"Looks that way..."
Ruto groaned and smacked herself in the head. "I'm not convinced, Nabooru. If I ever felt like getting rid of myself, I do now..."
"No! Don't say that!" Nabooru shrieked. "Look! Here comes Ganondorf now! Now we can see how he rules this town!"
Ganondorf came strolling through the square, guarded by two huge Iron Knuckles on each side of him. He had his usual black body armor and wore a long red cape, and carried at his side a huge bag of money.
"Hello there! Hallo then... how are we all today?" asked Ganondorf to everyone he passed.
"Wonderful, mi'lord..." each person answered happily.
Ganondorf walked passed several people with ragged clothes begging for money, and he dropped several golden Rupees into each beggar's cup. "There you are then. Carry on! Have a WONDERFUL day!"
Ruto stared angrily at Nabooru. Nabooru smacked herself in the head this time.
"This is incredible..." Nabooru sighed.
"So what happened to the Sages?" asked Ruto. "Huh? Tell me that!"
At that second, their questions were answered as Impa came racing down the street dressed in fabulous garments. "Oh Ganondorf! My love!"
He swept her into his arms. "Impa, my queen! How go you this beautiful day?"
"I've just been to visit Darunia up on the mountain..."
Ruto and Nabooru listened intently.
"How does he like that brand new secret cave with all the big juicy rocks that I gave him?"
"He loves it, darling. He also says thank you for the great new stadium, rolling ramps, and elevator system."
"Have you spoken to anyone else lately, my love?"
"Yes! I spoke with Nabooru, in the desert..."
Nabooru grinned. "Oh yeah... this'll show you that I would hate the world if you weren't in it."
"How does she like her brand new giant palace and all the desert land that we gave her for her birthday?"
"She thanks you, darling. And she says all is forgiven for the incident with your surrogate mothers. In fact, Nabooru wants you to come down and enjoy her private swimming pool and water park anytime you want."
Nabooru was shocked. "I have my own palace?"
Ruto scowled at her.
"Oh, and Saria says the Kokiri are all eternally grateful for all the steel you've given them. It's made it wonderfully useful for them to build bigger houses and methods of producing wood and lumber to make money."
Ruto let out a cry of despair and burst into tears. "EVERYONE IS HAPPIER BECAUSE I'M DEAD!"
"Ruto! What about Zelda? She can't be happy about any of this."
"DADDY!" they heard Zelda squeal.
She too, raced across the marketplace and gave Ganondorf a big hug.
"Oh, my beloved adoptive daughter! You look so beautiful today!"
Ruto scowled.
"NO! Ruto... LINK! Link! Let's see how he's doing!" Nabooru said quickly. "If everything that was good when you existed has turned even better, everything that's bad must have turned worse! Link's probably miserable!"
"Whatever you say..." Ruto sighed.

When the pair reappeared in Kokiri Forest, it didn't take long for them to figure out that a few things were... out of place.
Take, for instance the giant casino that stood in the place of the Kokiri Shop. And the thousands of touristy-dressed people bustling through the brand new streets.
"What happened here?" Ruto wailed. "The Kokiri Forest's become a giant tourist town!"
Nabooru scratched her head and looked around, puzzled. "Hmm... That just doesn't make any sense... At all..."
"Where's Link?" asked Ruto again. "Huh? Where is he? Show me if he's all happy?"
"Well, I know his house is right... there! There it is!" Nabooru beamed.
She pointed at Link's nostalgic little tree house abode... which he had recently made a few additions to. Try a 20 story marble mansion with golden plated steps.
"Wow..." Nabooru murmured. "He certainly has improved the place."
Ruto raced up the steps to Link's home, going through several imaginary tourists as she did.
Once inside, she and Nabooru caught the elevator up to the tip-top floor of the high-rise, the suite in which Link lived.
They stepped inside to find Link, in a brand new Armani tunic, sitting in a huge comfortable chair surrounded by women.
"Ah..." Link sighed, as one of the women polished his shoes. "This is the life... I own the largest, most popular casino in all of Hyrule OR Termina, and I am the richest man in the history of the world... Next to Lord Ganondorf, of course. I can't believe I EVER stared that wacky crusade to try and stop him!"
Ruto scowled at Nabooru, who was staring in awe at the many fountains and statues around Link's office.
"WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!" Ruto wailed. "LOOK AT HIM! HE'S THE HAPPIEST GUY IN THE WORLD! WAAAAAAAAAAAA!"
"Not... necessarily?!" Nabooru tried to reassure her.
"Oh yeah right, Nab. You heard him! He's almost richer than Ganondorf! WAAAAAA!"
An alarm clock on Link's desk rang, and all of the girls sighed.
"Sorry girls... time for my late mid afternoon nap!" Link chuckled.
The girls all cleared out, cleaning and dusting and polishing everything in sight as they went.
Ruto walked over to the desk where Link was sitting just in time to hear him muttering to himself.
"Yeah... the girls are great and everything... But I wish there was someone who just liked me for me. Some girl... maybe of another race? Some slightly pretty, perky, a little bit of a psycho girl who would stalk me and plot to kill my other girlfriends because she likes me so much..."
Tears filled Ruto's eyes and she whimpered. "Aww... Link... That's so sweet..."
Nabooru had strolled over to join her. "See, Ruto? What did I tell you?"
"He really does miss me!" she wailed.
Suddenly, the mood of the conversation immediately changed when Link shrugged, and said, "Ah, c'est la vie... Not to worry! I'll just buy a girl like that. Hey... I wonder if King Zora's daughter Otur is open tonight..."
Ruto screamed in rage. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!"
Nabooru was left speechless, and she watched Link pull out his phone book and flipping the pages until he reached the "Z" section of his phone book. "Hey... Zora, my man! Is Otur home?"
Nabooru quietly sauntered over and put her arm around Ruto's shoulder. "Wow... Ruto... Maybe the world WOULD be a better place if you were gone..."
Ruto burst into inconsolable sobs. "TAKE ME HOME!" she shrieked. "JUST TAKE ME BACK TO THE REAL HYRULE WHERE I CAN FINISH PACKING AND LEAVE THIS WORLD FOREVER!"
"RUTO! NOOOO!" Nabooru wailed. "Please! Don't even think about it!"
Ruto and Nabooru stomped out of Link's office, just as they heard Link saying, "Oh, Otur! You ARE free tonight! That is ever so... Er, I mean, that's great!"

Ruto sobbed all the way out into the forest. Nabooru followed her, still trying to convince her that living WAS worth it.
"Stop it, Nab... I appreciate you trying to make me feel better and everything, but the second I get home, I'm leaving!"
"No! No Ruto, please!" Nabooru begged. "Come on! Let's stop and get us some ice cream! That will make you feel better!"
"HOW?!" Ruto shrieked. "No one can see us or hear us!"
"I can fix that," said Nabooru. She snapped her fingers, and she and Ruto began to glow orange. Suddenly, several people bumped into them as they walked by.
"Sorry..." Nabooru said.
"'S all right," one person replied.
"See? Now, let's get some ice cream and talk about it!" Nabooru said, skipping over to the "Kokiri Café".
Ruto followed her, looking miserable.
Nabooru stepped up to the counter, and placed a handful of Rupees down in front of the salesclerk. "All right... why don't you get me two large ice cream sundaes?"
"Two large WHAT?" the clerk asked, scratching his head.
"Whaddya, deaf? I said two large ice cream sundaes."
"Sundae? You mean like the weekday?"
"Uh, no... I mean, like ice cream parfaits. Those kind of sundaes. S-U-N-D-A-E."
The clerk shook his head and crossed his arms. "Hey lady... whaddya trying to pull? 'Sundae' isn't even a word."
"All right..." Nabooru sighed dejectedly. "Then get us two large ice cream cones."
"What... what are you talking about?" the clerk asked, looking as if he was going to tear out his hair.
"What do you mean what am I talking about?" Nabooru shrieked.
"What do you mean what do I mean what are you talking about?" the clerk yelled. "What's 'ice cream'? There's no such thing as 'ice cream'!"
Nabooru gasped in horror, and took a step backwards. "WHAT?"
"THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS ICE CREAM!?" Ruto shrieked. "NO SUCH THING AS ICE CREAM!?!?"
Nabooru shakily recovered her money, and shook her head in disbelief. "It can't be... there's no such thing as ice cream? That thick, rich, sweet, cold overall good and tasty treat that you'd have to be lactose intolerant or INSANE not to love?"
Ruto didn't say anything. But a wide and ecstatic grin slowly spread across her face.
"THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS ICE CREAM!" she shrieked happily. "THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS ICE CREAM!"
"WHAT? Why are you happy?" Nabooru cried. "I'VE BEEN DEPRIVED OF MY FAVORITE FOOD!"
"Nabooru! Don't you get it!?" Ruto squealed. "There's no such thing as ice cream! I do not exist! Somehow, I am connected to the invention of ice cream in Hyrule! If it weren't for me... THERE'D BE NO SUCH THING AS ICE CREAM!"
"You're joking! What kind of stupid connection is that?" Nabooru yelled.
"I DON'T KNOW! BUT IT'S AN IMPORTANT CONNECTION! I AM THE PERSON RESPONSIBLE FOR BRINGING ICE CREAM TO HYRULE... somehow. BUT STILL!" Ruto shrieked. "I AM IMPORTANT! IT IS WORTH IT TO LIVE IN HYRULE!"
"YAAAY!" Nabooru cheered, and the two hugged and jumped up and down like a couple of teenagers who had just been asked to the prom.
Suddenly, Nabooru checked her watch. "Holy crap! Look at the time! It's almost 8:30! We're late for Zelda's party!"
"I'M NOT DRESSED FOR LINKY-POO!" Ruto squealed. "QUICK NABOORU! TAKE US BACK! I HAVE TO GET DRESSED!"

And with a snap of her fingers, Ruto and Nabooru were back in Zora's Domain, where Ruto donned a lovely party dress (modified to fit her fins), and her three parkas, mittens, fin-warmers and stocking hat.
And to make a long story short, a couple minutes later, they were at the front door of the castle.
"Ruto! Nabooru! HIII!" Impa cooed, with her arms around Ganondorf's neck. "Merry Christmas!"
"Merry Christmas!" Nabooru said, patting Impa on the shoulder. She eyed Ganondorf much the same that someone would eye a bug. "What... what's the matter with..."
"Don't ask... Zelda muttered grumpily from behind Impa.
"Merry Christmas Zelda!" Ruto cried happily.
"And WHAT took YOU TWO so long?" Zelda snapped. "I've been so worried!" "Oh... nothing..." Ruto said, smiling at Nabooru.
"Please Ruto, can I... take your coat?" asked Ganondorf, whose arms were around Impa still.
"I'd rather you didn't..." Ruto said. "Not until I get to the fireplace. I'll be a fishsicle by then."
She walked up to the stairs that lead to the party room, and shrieked, "THROW AN EXTRA LOG ON THE FIRE, LINKY-POO! RUTO'S COMIN' UP!"
"Oh CRAP!" she heard Link curse from upstairs. "QUICK HARRY! LEND ME YOUR INVISIBILITY CLOAK!"

Ten minutes later, Ruto and Nabooru were settled down on the sofa in front of the fire. Ruto had put four extra logs on the fire and it was now a blazing 90 degrees in the party room, and everyone was sweating. But on the bright side, Ruto had finally removed her parkas and winter wear to show off her splendid blue party dress.
"By the way, Nabooru..." Ruto murmured.
"Yes?" asked Nabooru. "You don't have to thank me for saving your life."
"That's not it."
"Oh, THAT. I don't need a present, Ruto... Your friendship is enough."
"That's not it either."
"Oh? Then what is it?"
"I was never planning to kill myself, Nabooru." Ruto said quietly.
"What? But what about all that talk about going somewhere Link could never hurt you again? What about going to a place where it was never cold and about leaving Hyrule forever?"
"I was planning on moving to Maui." Ruto said, eyeing Nabooru.
"MAUI? As in Hawaii?" Nabooru gasped.
"Of course. Lots of water, lots of sunshine, and no Link." Ruto replied simply. "You just wasted a lot of time. But you've convinced me to stay in Hyrule, congrats."
Nabooru stared at Ruto blankly. Ruto giggled, and turned her attention to Link, who was standing across the room as far as possible from Ruto, pointing both Malfoy AND Harry's little plastic wands at her and screaming, "STAY BACK! STAY BACK OR I'LL FURNUCULUS CURSE YOU!"
Malon was pouting and drinking lots of egg nog over in another corner. Zelda was checking to make sure that no hairs had fallen in the cold cut tray. Ganondorf and Impa were making out again, and Darunia and LL were under the tree, shaking the presents and trying to guess what they were.
"I wasted all that magic for nothing?" Nabooru said weakly.
"Well... I wouldn't say that..." Ruto giggled, eating a big spoonful of Ben and Jerry's Festivus ice cream.

~~THE END~~