RAURU'S CHRISTMAS CAROL
(A/N: Hey man, back in the 1700s there were 12 DAYS of Christmas that only start on Christmas Eve! I technically still have time to finish these, ya know.)
As the seconds passed, the light became brighter and brighter, and soon Rauru had to shade his eyes.
"AAAAAAAGGGH! I DON'T WANNA DIEEEEE!" screeched the elderly Sage of Light.
There was a high pitched but beautiful noise, like angels singing, and suddenly, the light completely faded.
A ghostly voice spoke. "Hey... are you Rauru?"
Rauru peered over the couch worriedly. There, in front of him stood the ghost of a little girl, who couldn't have been more than 11. She had bouncy blonde locks, and she was decked out in a cute little party dress, but didn't seem to have legs. Her cranberry colored dress ended in a wispy wave of ghostly... stuff.
"AAAGGGGHHHH!" shrieked Rauru.
"Ow, ow, ow!" the spirit whined, covering her ears. "STOP SCREAMING!"
Rauru immediately shut up.
"Are... are you the spirit whose coming was foretold to me?" he stammered worriedly.
"I am," the girl replied.
"But you're just a little girl!" Rauru wailed. "You must be that brat from next door playing a trick on me!"
The girl gasped in surprise, and then burst into tears. "YOU DON'T HAVE TO RUB IT IN THAT I WAS ONLY 11 WHEN I DIIIIIED!" she shrieked angrily.
"OK, OK, OK..." Rauru said quickly, when he noticed that the girl's screams were breaking his fine china, piece by piece. "I'm sorry! So you're not that little brat from next door..."
"No, Mr. Skeptic! I am NOT the little brat from next door!" screamed the girl. "I'm the Ghost of Christmases That Have Already Happened!"
"D-don't you mean... Christmas PAST?" suggested Rauru.
"NO, CHRISTMASES THAT HAVE ALREADY HAPPENED! 'Past' is already taken!" whined the girl. "But you can call me Susie."
"Well, hi Susie..." snapped Rauru sarcastically. "I appreciate your breaking into a lonely old man's house when all he wants is some peace and quiet! Want some ham?"
Susie's eyes watered up and she burst out crying. "HOW COULD YOU BE SO INSENSITIVE? OFFERING ME HAM WHEN I COULDN'T... I HAVEN'T EATEN IN OVER 150 YEARS!"
"All right, all right... sorry!" Rauru whined. "Now get out!"
"I can't," Susie answered simply.
"And why not? Can't you just disappear?"
"No. I have a reason for being here." Susie said snootily.
"And what reason is that?" Rauru growled.
"Your welfare, you selfish old coot." Susie snapped. "Christmas is the time for sharing! Christmas is the time for caring! If you believe in Christmas things, you'll know the joy that Christmas brings!"
"Nice speech. Didn't I hear that on the holiday episode of Becker?" Rauru snapped.
"I... uh... SHUT UP!" Susie yelled. "You think you'd be a little nicer to the ghost of the girl who's only here to save you from an eternity of fiery torment in the dark reaches of the underworld!"
Rauru looked at her in disbelief. "Wha!?"
"You heard me," Susie said. "The Man Upstairs doesn't like the way you've been acting about Christmas and towards other people. So my colleagues and I are here to convince you to change your ways before you die and spend the rest of your miserable existence in heck!"
Rauru gasped, "I'm going to He-"
Susie leaped up and covered his mouth with her hand. "SHHHH!" she snapped. "This is rated PG!"
"Let go of me!" Rauru growled. "I'm going to... there just because I hate Christmas?!"
"That's riiight." giggled Susie.
"But I have a good reason to hate it!" Rauru snapped.
"So you say." Susie grinned. "We'll see, shall we? I'm going to show you several... OK, two or three Christmases in your past so you can see the error of your ways."
Susie skipped (er... floated) over to the window and kicked it open. "Come on, old guy."
"But... ghost-thingy!" Rauru yelled. "I'm not finished with my ham! And It's A Wonderful Life is on in 10 minutes! And I'm old and tired!"
"Come, ON!" the girl screamed, grabbing Rauru by the arm and dragging him over to the window.
"DID I MENTION I WEIGH 300 POUNDS?!" Rauru shrieked as Susie prepared to push him.
"YOU ARE SUCH AN INSENSITIVE JERK!" Susie shrieked. "AND I WEIGH NOTHING! YOU BIG MEANY!"
And with that, Susie pushed with all her might, and Rauru went tumbling down, down, out the 6th story window in the Temple of Light where he lived, and fell screaming into a bright white warphole.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
........... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-WHAM!"
Rauru landed face-first on the hardwood floor of a nice upper-class suburbia Hylian house.
"MY... HIP!" he gasped.
Susie floated down gently to join him. "Here we are!" she grinned. "This is it! This is the Christmas when you were 12!"
Rauru stood up slowly, and looked around. He was in his childhood living room. He was at once hit with a million sights and sounds and smells and hopes and dreams that he hadn't felt since he was 12.
"This... this is my living room!" Rauru gasped. "And look! There, on the couch! It's my mom! And my dad! And crazy Uncle Albert! Hi! Hi Mom, hi Dad! And in the kitchen! My cousin Hans! And... It's my Nana! NANA! HI NANA! GIVE ME A HUG!"
"Hey, old guy!" Susie said impatiently, grabbing Rauru's waving hand out of the air. "These are only visions of things that have been. The people here are only memories. They can't hear you, they can't see you, and they especially can't hug you."
"Oh," Rauru said, a touch of disappointment in his voice. "But wait- Who's that kid over there by the fireplace?"
He walked up to the boy, who was wearing yellow and maroon robes and had a head full of bright white hair.
"That's you, stupid." Susie laughed.
And so it was. Rauru was seeing himself as a 12-year-old!
"I know why I'm so sad." Rauru sighed. "I wanted that baseball bat. I wanted it so badly..."
"And you got it." Susie said.
But then I fell down the stairs and broke it, and it splintered up my hands real bad." Rauru growled. "Stupid thing!"
"Rauru, sweetie! Come in for dinner!" called a voice from the kitchen.
"Here you go, son..." said Rauru's Dad, handing his son a brightly wrapped, long package.
"NOOO! OPEN IT NOW! DON'T TAKE IT TO DINNER!" Rauru screamed into the ear of his 12-year-old self.
"Uh... old guy?" asked Susie, poking him.
"What?"
"HE CAN'T HEAR YOU!" Susie shrieked.
"Oh yeah..."
12-year-old Rauru sat down at the table, and served himself a heaping plate of food. Rauru and Susie listened as Rauru's Dad droned on and on about some boring subject.
Suddenly, Rauru's Dad accidentally knocked Uncle Albert's elbow into the butter.
"I'm so sorry, Uncle Albert. Well anyway, Admiral Halsley notified me he had to have a berth or he couldn't get to sea..."
"Could I have some more peas, please?" asked Rauru's mother.
"Certainly..." replied Rauru's cousin Hans. "Where... where are they?"
Rauru's Dad pointed at a pitcher of water on the table directly next to the peas. "Hans, across the water."
"Water?" asked Hans.
"Hans, across the pie," Rauru's mother explained.
And as Paul McCartney fans across the internet read that horrible joke in the last paragraph and rolled their eyes, Rauru had to re-watch the whole horrible accident, wincing as he heard himself hit the bottom of the stairs.
"WHY? WHYYYY DID I HAVE TO FALL!?" Rauru screamed to the sky. "WHYYYYYYYY!?"
He watched painfully as his mother and father raced to the bottom of the stairs and tried to help their son up, pulling hundreds of thumbtacks out of his butt while they did.
"And I never used my hands again..." Rauru wailed. "THERE, LITTLE MISS GHOSTY! IS THAT ENOUGH REASON FOR YOU?!"
"They had a good reason for not pulling your splinters out." Susie said. "It might have hurt you even more!"
"Pssht." Rauru snorted. "Well this only shows me that I DO have a right to be angry."
"But remember Rauru, there was another Christmas that was happy!" Susie said, grinning.
"The one where I met..." Rauru gasped.
But before he could finish, they were off.
Rauru landed on his face in the middle of a great crowd of people, two-stepping and dancing.
"Hmmph. Stupid idiots... partying like that..." Rauru snapped.
"Hey look, there you are!" Susie grinned, pointing to an 18-year old Rauru, hands tucked into his robes, standing alone.
Rauru stared at the unhappy-looking younger version of himself.
"Look, there's Dampé!" Susie said, pointing to Rauru's old crippled friend, dancing around in circles with the first shovel he had ever received, a Christmas gift. "And up there- The Royal Composer Brothers!"
Two very young versions of Sharp and Flat were providing the music. In fact, everyone there was someone that Rauru had known when he was very young.
"Look- There's my old boss!" Rauru said, pointing out a young man (a young version of the astronomer from Majora's Mask) dancing with a lovely young woman.
Rauru gasped when he saw the woman. "It's... It's..."
Rauru's boss (the astronomer) lead the woman over to where Rauru was standing. "Hello there, Rauru! Wonderful party, is it not?"
"No," snapped young Rauru. "Do you know how many Rupees this is gonna cost us, sir?"
"Oh, come on, Rauru!" laughed his boss. "Oh, here. I'm so rude! This lovely young lady is Agnes Granny... she works in the potions department of the store. Agnes, this is Rauru, my personal assistant."
Agnes stepped forward and curtsied to young Rauru. The mad look melted right off his face.
"Agnes..." Rauru wailed to Susie. "She was a brilliant young woman. Wonderful at making potions... In fact, she... has her own store, now... in Kakariko..."
Young Rauru (hands still tucked into his robes) and Agnes set out dancing on the floor, and Rauru sighed sadly.
"There was another Christmas with her, wasn't there?" asked Susie innocently.
"Oh no! Please! Don't show me that Christmas!" Rauru begged. "Please!"
"Sorry, rules are rules." Susie shrugged. The scene faded into blackness.
Seconds later, Rauru and Susie were standing and floating in a beautiful snow-covered meadow. A young couple sat on a nearly fallen log, talking quietly.
"I SAID NOT TO SHOW ME THIS ONE!" Rauru wailed. "PLEASE! TAKE ME OUT OF HERE!"
"Rauru, you promised that we would get married this year!" Agnes whined, twirling her hair.
"I know darling, but there's just so much for me to do..." 20-year-old Rauru mumbled. "What with the store and all... I'm responsible for all the store accounts, and if I don't do my job, who will?"
"But Rauru," Agnes interrupted. "We have enough money! We can get married and buy a house and you could still work in the store!"
"But how will we afford a store for you and your potions?" asked Rauru again. "We need more money. We can get married next year!"
"That's what you said last year! And the year before!" Agnes wailed. "I'm starting to think you don't want to get married at all!"
"Agnes, of course I do!" Rauru assured her. "But we need more money now..."
"Hold my hand, then..." Agnes snapped leaping to her feet. "If you still want to get married, then hold my hand like you've never done."
Young Rauru turned totally red. "I... I..."
"Come on, Rauru! If you love me you won't mind holding my hand!"
"But Agnes..." Rauru wailed. "My hands... they..."
"I knew it..." said Agnes sadly. She picked up her stuff from next to Rauru and turned to him angrily. "You and your money! That's all you care about! You don't really love me anymore... it's all about Rauru and his career!"
"No, Agnes, I..." Rauru said shakily. "It's my hands! Christmas... a few years ago, and I... had an accident, and..."
"That may be," Agnes said. "But it's true- All you care about is your money. If you really loved me half as much as that stupid money, we'd already be married!"
"We can't afford to get married!" Rauru wailed. Then his expression turned. "Fine, you selfish little ditz. If you want to get married so bad without any money to do it... You can... get married to someone else!"
"NO, YOU IDIOT!" Rauru screamed at his past self. "GO AFTER HER! DON'T LET HER GET AWAY!"
Agnes let out a cry and stomped toward the edge of the clearing. "You're heartless, Rauru!"
"GO AFTER HER YOU FOOL! YOU'LL NEVER SEE HER AGAIN!" Rauru shrieked at his other self.
But Rauru's other self just sat on the log like the cranky little jerk he was, and snorted. "Ditz."
There was a whizzing noise, and young Rauru was suddenly knocked off the log onto his butt in the snow. It was Agnes' engagement ring leaving an imprint in his head.
"YOU IDIOT!" Rauru screamed angrily. "YOU'VE JUST LOST THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE YOU FOOL!"
Susie stood by silently, smirking. "See what hating Christmas will get you?"
"THAT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH CHRISTMAS!" Rauru screamed at Susie. "IT HAD TO DO WITH MY BEING A SELFISH LITTLE PIG AND NOT MARRYING AGNES UNTIL I WAS RICH, WHICH WOULD NEVER END UP HAPPENING!"
"Why didn't you catch up with her later, if that's how you felt?" Susie shot back.
"BECAUSE ONE WEEK LATER I-" Rauru took it down a notch. "One week later I awakened as the Sage of Light... and since the Light Temple was in the Sacred Realm AND where the Triforce was... I could never leave it again."
"Oh. So you never saw her again."
"Only in DREAMS!" Rauru wailed, bursting into tears. "WHY'D YOU HAVE TO GO AND SHOW ME THIS, STUPID? THIS CHRISTMAS WAS THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE, AND YOU MAKE ME RELIVE IT? WHY?"
"Because you were mean," Susie said simply. "No, because I had to."
Rauru picked up a snowball off the ground and threw it at Susie as hard as he could. It went right through her.
"Stop it!" Susie yelled.
"Why, you can't feel it." Rauru said glumly.
"OH, OK, LET'S JUST ALL THROW STUFF AT SUSIE BECAUSE SHE CAN'T FEEL IT, YOU INSENSITIVE SLOB!" Susie shrieked. "You've seen all you have to see anyway! Time for the next spirit! I hope you'll be nicer to that one, you creep!"
Susie snapped her fingers and Rauru landed with a crash on his living room floor again.
"Ow..." muttered the Sage of Light, who could still almost feel the cold of the snowy meadow.
There was suddenly another bright flash of light, but Rauru was face-down on the floor this time, so he didn't see much of it.
And when the light faded, Rauru sat up and found himself staring at a pair of enormous black boots.
He looked up and saw the biggest man he had ever seen. He had a shaggy black beard that covered most of his face, and both of his arms were each thicker than Rauru's neck. He was completely bald, though, and one of his eyes was squinty. He was wearing a not-so-festive leather vest that barely covered his hairy chest and a pair of black leather pants.
The huge man grunted, and lifted Rauru up by his robe collar. Rauru then noticed that the man looked suspiciously like the man who ran the Bazaar in Hyrule Castle Town Market.
"Who are you?" Rauru yelled. "What are you doing in my house?" (He wasn't too happy with his last experience with these strange spirits.)
"Hello, little man!" said the big man in a deep voice, with an Austrian accent. "I am the Ghost of Christmas Presents."
"You mean Present?" asked Rauru crankily.
"No, I mean Presents. Present was taken, so I get the plural. But you can just call me Sully."
"Um, hi Sully..." Rauru said. "NOW LET ME DOWN!"
"I can't," shrugged Sully. "I have to show you what's going on this Christmas."
"WHY!?" yelled Rauru, "I HATE THE HOLIDAYS!"
"Because if I don't you're going to... H-E-Double Hockey Sticks."
Rauru rolled his eyes. "You mean He-"
"SSSHHHH!" hissed Sully, clapping his hand over Rauru's entire face. "This is rated PG! Now let's get going, I'm expected at the gym in ten minutes..."
They disappeared in a puff of smoke, and reappeared in what Rauru recognized to be the bottom floor of Hyrule Castle.
"What's going on here?" asked Rauru. "Is that snobby little brat Zelda having another lame holiday party?"
"We'll see," said Sully, carrying Rauru up the stairs, still by his collar.
Rauru watched, sickeningly at the goings-on of the party.
Link was in the corner, still playing with his Harry Potter action figure and using his Malfoy figure to try and keep Ruto away. She was more convinced than ever that he would accept her to marry him.
Nabooru was sitting on the couch, devouring pint after pint of Festivus Ice Cream and trying to ignore the other couple on the couch, Ganondorf and Impa, who were making like mistletoe again.
Darunia and LL had hit the snack table, and hard. Almost every last piece of the stone table was gone, and the food plates lay all over the floor.
Malon seemed to be in a good mood again, and she was sitting by the fire, watching the other guests.
Zelda came racing in, blowing a foghorn to shut everyone up. "HEY EVERYONE!" she screamed, "IT'S TIME TO SING CHRISTMAS CAROLS!"
"AWWWWWWW..." whined the other guests.
"Do we have to?" asked Ganondorf, pouting.
"Hey bub, you're lucky to be here as it is!" Zelda snapped. "We're singing, and that's the last word! OK, does everyone know Joy To The World?"
"Yes..." grumbled everyone else.
"OK then... 1... 2... 1, 2, 3!"
And then the room erupted in a terrible, horrible burst of sound. Zelda was singing as loudly as she could. Ruto and Malon didn't seem to know the words, they were humming nervously. Link was making his action figures sing, and Darunia and LL were screeching like cats in great pain. Nabooru was holding her ears, Impa was shaking her head sadly, and Ganondorf was singing a DIFFERENT version of the song, the one where you barbecue your teacher and flush the body down the potty.
Rauru held his ears, and even Sully had to wince at the noise.
"Oh wow, I am like, missing so much Christmassy fun," whined Rauru. "Hey wait- Where's Saria?"
"Who?" asked Sully.
"Saria- Little green-haired twerp." Rauru said. "She was supposed to come too..."
That's when Rauru heard a moan of pain from the kitchen stairs. He looked down, and saw poor Saria, sprawled out from where Malon had pushed her, and desperately reaching for a broomstick by the wall to use as a crutch.
"Who did that?" Rauru screamed angrily at the crowd.
"They can't hear you, stupid little man." Sully chuckled.
"Why did they push her? That's the same thing that happened to me when I was 12!" Rauru snapped. "Can't we help her?"
"Nope, sorry." Sully shrugged. "Well then, there's much more to see, let's go..."
"No!" Rauru yelled, showing the first remorse and caring for another person that he had shown that day. "Tell me, Spirit..."
"Sully," Sully corrected.
"Fine, tell me, Sully. Will Saria die down there?"
Sully raised an eyebrow on his big bald head. "Uh... I really don't think so."
"Can't you see anything in the future?" Rauru cried.
"Um, no." Sully said sheepishly.
"Take me back home, right now!" Rauru yelled. "I have to come to the castle and rescue the poor thing! I don't want her turning out like me, old and cranky and Christmas-hating!"
"Aw, how sweet." Sully sighed. "But don't you think that someone HERE will find her?"
"They're too busy screeching," Rauru said, rolling his eyes as Ganondorf began his own rendition of Jingle Bells. ("Jingle Bells, Zelda smells, Linky laid an egg...)
"Fine, fine... But you know, if I take you home you'll have to meet the next Spirit before you can come here."
"I don't care! Let's go!" Rauru yelled triumphantly.
Rauru landed on his couch, snapping it in half, and Sully vanished into thin air.
"NEXT SPIRIIIIT!" he screamed into the air. "COME OUT, COME OUT WHEREVER YOU ARE! HURRY UP!"
There was another blinding light, and a shadowy figure walked up behind Rauru. Rauru didn't see him until..."
"Good eeeeeeveniiiiing..." the figure chuckled in a Boris Karloff Dracula-style voice.
"AAAAAAAGGGH!" shrieked Rauru.
He spun around and saw the third spirit, who was none other than the crazy Poe shop dealer. (Or, at least he looked like him)
"Hellooooooo..." snickered the Poe shop guy. "I am the Ghost of Christmases That Haven't Happened Yet..."
"I'm not even going to ask about the future thing," Rauru sighed, shaking his head.
"Goooooood..." laughed Poe Guy. "Come along then... we have... not that much to see, but still... stuuuuff... Heh heh heh heh heeeeeh..."
The Poe Guy snapped his thin fingers and Rauru and him disappeared...
... Only to reappear in the back alleys of Hyrule Castle Town, where a meeting was taking place between the Termanian Curiosity shop guy, the pooch lady, Bombchu shop guy and shooting gallery man.
"Well then, well then..." chuckled Curiosity shop guy. "What have ya got for old Charlie, eh? What did you find on our little expedition..."
"I got his curtains!" snickered the pooch lady. "Dreadful ratty old things they are..."
Charlie took the curtains from her and examined them carefully. "Well that'll be 30 Rupees there..."
He handed Pooch Lady her money, and then shooting gallery man stepped up. "I've got his blankie. Someone told me it was his baby blankie, and he couldn't sleep without it..."
He handed Charlie the blanket, and he handed him a 50 Rupee piece in return.
"Hey Spirit, those aren't my curtains or my blanket..." Rauru whispered.
"Who said they were suppossssssed to be?" asked Poe Guy.
"Um, isn't the point of your visit to show me that I'm gonna die if I keep being mean to people and that no one will care?"
"Maaaaaybe, maybe not..." chuckled Poe Guy.
Then Bombchu guy stepped up. "I've got something that'll knock your socks off! Check this out!"
He held up a pair of small silver hoop earrings.
"WOW! ARE THOSE... THE EARRINGS THAT HE ALWAYS WORE?" gasped shooting gallery man.
"They are!" Bombchu guy snickered. "I took them right off his ears!"
"Ewww..." Rauru groaned. "Hey... I don't have earrings!"
"Quiet, you!" threatened Poe Guy.
"These are wonderful! They look so sexy on me!" chuckled Charlie, trying on the earrings. He handed over 200 Rupees to Bombchu shop guy, and all three of them laughed maliciously.
"SPIRIT!" shrieked Rauru. "THOSE ARE... THOSE ARE LINK'S EARRINGS AND CURTAINS AND BLANKET!"
"No, ya think?" chuckled Poe Guy.
"Link! He's DEAD?!" gasped Rauru. "How could he be dead? He's so young!" Suddenly, footsteps were heard running into the alley. The four people stopped laughing and listened quietly.
"HEY! I KNOW YOU'RE BACK THERE!" screamed someone.
All four of them shrieked and tried to run, but Link raced out from behind the alley and tackled Charlie.
"HEY!" Link snapped, "Those are my things!" He tore the blankets and the curtains out of Charlie's grip and then ripped away the earrings. "What's the big idea, hmm? Stealing my crap and selling it?"
"I'M SORRY, SIR!" Charlie squealed. "I'll never do it again!"
Rauru stared at Poe Guy, raising his eyebrows. "He's... not dead."
"Nope." Poe Guy chuckled.
"Then... why in the HECK did you show me this?" Rauru demanded.
"I don't know." Poe Guy giggled.
"You're an idiot." Rauru sighed, rolling his eyes.
"Oh yeah, I remember now... I was supposed to show you... THIS!" Poe Guy yelled, snapping his fingers.
They reappeared in Kokiri Forest, where the Kokiri kids were all sitting around their Christmas pole, celebrating.
Except for one notable Kokiri who seemed to be missing.
"Where's Saria?" asked Rauru, scratching his head. "Is she at Zelda's party?"
"Nope," Poe Guy grinned. Well, considering he has no mouth, he didn't really grin, he kind of... Ah, you know.
"Then where is she?" Rauru demanded. "As much as I hate the little twerp, I hope she's all right."
The Poe Guy extended a long, nasty finger at a small hut nearby.
"That's Saria's house!" Rauru said, running inside.
Inside, he saw a rocking chair sitting by a dim fireplace. Someone was sitting in the chair.
"Ah, POOEY!" snapped an old and senile voice.
"Who is that?" asked Rauru.
"Geh heh heh..." snickered Poe Guy.
Rauru walked around the chair, and was shocked to see none other than Saria sitting in the chair, dressed as an old lady.
She was of course, still a child. But she was dressed in orthopedic stockings and knit shawls and a little hair net thingy.
"Stupid kids..." she snarled. "Making such a racket over such a stupid thing as Christmas... BAAH! Well I HATE Christmas!"
"Oh Spirit, no!" Rauru wailed. "What happened to her?"
"Geh heh heh..." chuckled Poe Guy, pointing at Saria again.
Rauru took a closer look and saw that her hands were bandaged up.
"OH NO! NOT THE STAIRS!" he wailed. "All because she fell down the stairs this Christmas, Saria turned out like me!"
He scratched his chin. "Not that there's anything WRONG with that, but... Grr!"
"It gets woooooorse." Poe Guy giggled, snapping his fingers again.
They reappeared in what looked like a nursing home. All of Hyrule's senior citizens were hanging around a large Christmas tree, singing the song from "How The Grinch Stole Christmas".
"What's this?" asked Rauru.
Poe Guy snickered and pointed to a big, burly looking nurse walking down the hall holding a hypodermic needle as big as a broomstick.
"Follow her?" asked Rauru. Poe Guy nodded.
So, Rauru followed the nurse down several corridors to the only shut door in the whole place.
"It's time for ya medicine, Mista R." croaked the nurse.
Rauru heard a hideous, evil laugh from inside the room, and he slipped past the nurse, where a horrible sight met his eyes.
There, in the room, taking up an entire couch's worth of space, was Rauru! Much older... He looked about 200 years old. He had a wild out of control beard, and he had gotten SO... FAT that big, flabby, wrinkly bags of saggy, cottage cheesy, cellulite covered skin were hanging out of ripped seams on every inch of his robes...
(The author takes a break to go wash out her eyes and vomit.)
"AWWW! EWWWWW!" groans Rauru, covering his eyes. "AWWW, SICK! That can't be me!"
"Gehhhh..." snarled the Poe Guy. "Eww..."
"HAR HAR HAR!" laughed ancient, obese Rauru. "EH? WHADDAT YA SAY?"
"I said it's time for your medicine, you nasty old bag."
"HAR HAR!" laughed ancient obese Rauru. "HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR! I needs no medicine! All I needs is a good big beefsteak!"
"That's the last thing you need... You weigh three metric tons!" the nurse growled, sticking Rauru with the giant needle and causing his... how should I put this... BLUBBER to jiggle like a giant bowl of disgusting, moldy Jello.
(Author takes a break to gag and take a few Pepto Bismols)
"HAR HAR!" snickered ancient evil Rauru. "IN MY DAY NURSES WOULD SHUT UP WHEN THEY HAD TO STICK MEDICINE IN YOUR- [expletive, expletive, expletive, description so graphic they wouldn't even show it on Cinemax]."
The nurse sighed, turned around, and stomped out of the room yelling, "ALL RIGHT BETTY! I TOOK MY TURN! YOU GET TO GIVE HIM HIS MEDICINE NEXT TIME!"
"How!?" Rauru wailed. "How did I turn into such a big, disgusting, rude, annoying, and all-around... NASTY old man?"
"Too much TV, not enough talking, I suspeeeeeeect," the Poe Guy growled, snickering.
"NOOO!" Rauru shrieked, staring at the massive, chunky, jiggling old coot in the corner. "I swear! I can change! I'd LOVE to change! I'll go to every Christmas party anyone will ever hold if I don't turn out like that!"
"Geh heh..." Poe Guy snickered.
"Spirit! Please! Are these the shadows of things that WILL be, or can they be altered? You wouldn't have showed me if I was a hopeless case!" Rauru pleaded.
The Poe Guy finally had nothing to say (as, by example of other version of the Christmas story, he probably never should have had anything to say...). He merely snickered, pointed at the door to ancient, fat Rauru's room as another burly nurse came striding in, holding a giant toilet brush.
"Mista R, it's time for your sponge bath!"
(Author runs to nearest church screaming, races inside, tells nearest priest what she just wrote. Priest grabs emergency bottle of Holy Water, sprays it in her eyes. She thanks priest, races back home, and finishes story.)
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" shrieked Rauru. Suddenly, the floor beneath him seemed to open up, and he fell down, Down, DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWN... all the way to-
BANG!
"OOF!" Rauru grunted as he hit the tiled floor of his kitchen. "My... HIP!"
Shuddering, he stood up, and looked around.
"I'm... I'm home!" Rauru screamed happily. "I'm home! In my own kitchen! And it's..." He looked at the nearest clock. "It's only 8:30! I can still make it to Zelda's party!"
Rauru immediately leaped to his feet, opened the fridge, and pulled out every single piece of junk food in the place, dousing it in gasoline and burning it on his patio. He yanked out a few bags of baby carrots and a big piece of celery, threw it in his mouth, and raced to his closet to get dressed.
LINK'S CHRISTMAS PARTY BLUES
"Ganondorf, for the LAST TIME! SING THE RIGHT WORDS TO THE SONGS!" shrieked Zelda, as the King of Thieves finished his own variation on "We Three Kings".
"OK, OK, so-rry, Miss Christmas Cop!" Ganondorf spat, while Impa frowned at Zelda.
"Zelda, he doesn't know the right words!" she said. "Let him sing what he wants!"
"But Impaaaaa..." Zelda whined. "He's ruining everything!"
"I am not!" Ganondorf said, pouting. "Gimme another chance! Sing one I know this time!"
"Like what?" asked Zelda.
"Do... 'Winter Wonderland'." Ganondorf said, nodding. "Yeah, that one. I know that one good."
"Hmmm..." Zelda said. "Link, is that one all right with you?"
From the corner he was sitting in, Link groaned. He wished Zelda would stop running everything by him first... it was getting annoying.
"Uh, yeah, fine, Zel..." he sighed.
The novelty of playing duel with Malfoy and Harry had finally worn off, and the two action figures were now sitting in Link's pocket. He was a bit disappointed though, that he had already opened his Secret Santa present and now had nothing to look forward to when everyone else opened theirs.
At least Malon was speaking to him again. She seemed to be staring at him with the same look that Zelda and Ruto always gave him...
Aw man, not another one... he had thought.
Zelda sat down at the piano and opened the book to "Winter Wonderland". "OK, who wants to solo at the beginning?" she asked.
Everyone sunk down into their chairs, except Ganondorf and Impa. Impa waved her hand excitedly.
"OOH! Let me do it, Zelda! And Ganondorf can start on the main melody! He can! He's a good singer!"
Zelda sighed. "OK, fine. Impa, get up here. And bring your boyfriend, too."
Ganondorf grinned excitedly and jumped up next to the piano with Impa.
Zelda began to play and Impa started the song.
"Over the ground lies a mantle of white! A heaven of diamonds shine down through the night! Two hearts are thrillin' in spite of the chill in the weather! Love knows no season, love knows no clime, romance can blossom at any old time! Out in the open, we're walkin' and hopin' together!"
Then she turned to Ganondorf, smiling.
Zelda turned to him as she continued to play, scowling. "Don't mess it up or I'll..." she mouthed to him.
Ganondorf grinned, and produced a microphone by magic. "THERE IT STANDS!" he belted out. "THE CASINO! Mom's inside! Playing Keno! Day after days! She sits and she plays! Every week she drops another grand!"
"GANONDOOORF!" Zelda shrieked, slamming her fist on the keyboard.
"See my dad! Roll the ice there! With his luck! Cold as ice there! He doubles his bets as well as his debts! Every week he drops another grand!"
Impa, Nabooru, Malon, Ruto, Darunia and LL burst out laughing. Link snickered and rolled his eyes. Zelda was screeching in fury.
Ganondorf began a spiffy little dance routine at this part.
"Yesterday they repossessed our Taurus! Now Dad's cashing out his IRA! Things are even worse for Cousin Horace! Beaten up by bookies he can't PAAAAAY!"
Zelda sighed and sank into the piano stool, scowling.
"Christmas Eve... there's no tree there! The folks are gone... There's just me there! They're trying once more to make a big score. You can BET that they'll DROP another GRAND! EV-RY WEEK THEY DROP A-NO-THER GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND!"
Ganondorf took a bow, and everyone (but Zelda) burst out laughing.
"YOU... YOU'RE SO... YOU JUST..." Zelda stuttered. "UUGH! YOU SUCK, GANONDORF!"
"Thank you," he grinned, making the microphone disappear and sitting down on the couch next to Impa. "I am so good..." he grinned.
Impa laughed, but when she saw Zelda's peeved face, she stood up. "Well, now that we're all here, should we open Secret Santa gifts?"
Everyone gathered their gifts for each other from under the tree. Link was the first to get his. He handed it to Impa. "Merry Christmas, Impa," he said, grinning.
He watched Impa open her new eyeshadow, and when he looked up, he saw Nabooru, Zelda AND Ruto all standing across the room with huge gifts in their hands, eyeing Link.
"Uh..." he stammered, stepping backwards.
Then all three girls raced over to him, tackled him to the ground, and began screaming at him.
"HERE LINK I GOT YOUR NAME! MERRY CHRISTMAS!"
"HEY LINK TAKE A LOOKIT WHAT I GOT CHA! LOOK! TAKE A LOOK!"
"LINKY-POO, HERE! MERRY CHRISTMAS!"
"YOU? YOU DIDN'T GET HIS NAME, I GOT HIS NAME!"
"YOU'RE BOTH LIARS! I GOT HIS NAME!"
"AAGGGH!" he shrieked. "GETOFF! GETOFF! LEAVE ME ALOOOONE!"
All three girls jumped up and stepped back, leaving Link with several black eyes and a pile of three gifts.
"Uh, thanks..." he said.
The girls watched in happy anticipation as Link slowly opened the first present.
"It's from Ruto..." he said. "It's... HEY! Dr. Kokiri's Tunic Dry Cleaning Kit AND a new tunic! Thanks, Ruto!"
Ruto smiled, and the other two glared at her.
"And this one's from Zelda... It's... a sword polishing kit! Hey, thanks Zel!"
Zelda smiled even more than Nabooru.
"And this one's from Nabooru..." Link said. He tore off the paper, and...
"HOLY CRAP! THE HARRY POTTER SPELLCASTER PLAYSET!" he shrieked. "AAAGGH! I WANTED ONE OF THESE SO BADLY! IT'LL GO GREAT WITH WHAT MALON GOT ME!"
"MALON!?" gasped Zelda. She turned to Malon and glared. "Hey babe, I was Link's Secret Santa!"
"No, you were not!" Malon yelled. "It was ME!"
"You're both liars!" Nabooru shrieked. "I got Link's name!"
"NO WAY!" Ruto cried. "He's MY fiancé and MY Secret Santa!"
The four girls got into an angry squabble, and Link stared stupidly at the stumped faces of Impa, Ganondorf, LL and Darunia. Darunia was busy snacking on the model clay set that Impa had bought him, and every once and a while LL would take a little bit too.
"Whoa, whoa WHOA!" Link yelled at the girls, who were now trying to rip each other's hair (and scales, in Ruto's case) out. "Only one of you could really have been my Secret Santa... The rest of you blew off your real people to get me something. Tell me the truth, now... Who had my name?"
The girls all stumbled around for a minute, and Nabooru raised her hand. "I did! I had your name!"
"Who did you have, Zelda?" asked Link.
"I had... Ruto." Zelda sighed.
"HEY!" Ruto snapped.
"And who did you have, Ruto?"
"Malon..." Ruto said sheepishly.
"And Malon?"
"Nabooru..."
"SO WAIT A MINUTE!" Zelda snapped. "WHO HAD ME, THEN?"
"I did!" said a weak voice from behind them.
Hobbling up the stairs in a cast and crutches was Saria! Right behind her helping her walk was Rauru, dressed in his Christmas finest and carrying a bunch of packages.
"Ho, ho, ho!" Rauru cried. "Merry Christmas, everyone!"
"Rauru!" gasped Impa. "But you hate Christmas!"
"Not anymore!" Saria grinned. "He told me so when he was helping me up the stairs!"
"It took a big, flabby me and one nasty sponge bath to change my mind," Rauru said.
Saria cut in again. "And I'm ashamed of you guys! Fighting over Link, when you were supposed to give each other things?"
"That's what got you pushed down the stairs, Saria." Malon snapped.
"So then, who had you, Saria?" asked Link.
"Darunia. And luckily, his gift was a pair of crutches..." she sighed.
"It WAS?" gasped Darunia. "Oh. So maybe it was."
"Saria's right..." Zelda sighed. "We were all being so stupid! We forgot what the season is really about."
"Christmas is the time for sharing! Christmas is the time for caring! If you believe in Christmas things, you'll know the joy that Christmas brings!" Rauru sang happily.
"Wasn't that on a holiday episode of Becker?" asked Link.
"Oh, shut up!" Rauru snapped. He threw out his presents for everyone, which (because this is a cliché special) happened to be exactly what everyone wanted.
"A new pair of parachute pants!" Nabooru squealed.
"A SET OF ENGAGEMENT RINGS!" Ruto gasped.
"A ROCK!" Darunia grinned.
"And one for me, too!" LL added.
"A new set of body armor!" Impa cooed.
"The Triforces of Wisdom and Courage!" Ganondorf giggled maniacally.
"Oops, sorry Ganondorf, my mistake. Those are Zelda and Link's. They left them at my house," Rauru said, snatching them back from him.
"Awww..." Ganondorf sighed. "Hey! A bottle of Rogaine!"
"New earrings!" Zelda smiled.
"A booster seat!" Saria laughed.
"And for me..." Link said, "A SIGNED COPY OF HARRY POTTER BOOK FIVE THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX? AAAAGGGGGHHHHH!" he shrieked blissfully. "I THINK I'M GONNA DIE! I'M GONNA DIE! AAAGGGGHHHH!"
~~~~~~~ Clichéd Ending! ~~~~~~~
Outside, Santa's reindeer flew off into the sky, until they were only a brief flash of starlight.
It stopped snowing so hard and it became a soft sprinkling of white instead of a blizzard.
"MERRY CHRISTMAS! MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!" Darunia screamed.
"Look, Daddy!" LL said (with his voice now up two octaves), pointing at a bell on the tree. "Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings!"
Ganondorf and Impa made out some more.
Zelda and Malon, the lifelong competitors for Link's attention, looked at each other, sighed, and hugged like friends.
Ruto smiled, snuck up behind Link, and slipped one of the engagement rings Rauru had given her on his finger. Then she put the other one on and laughed.
Link shrieked in fear when he saw the ring, then looked at Ruto's sad face. He rolled his eyes, shrugged, and gave the Water Sage a big hug.
Saria hobbled over to the tree on crutches, and said (with English accent) "God Bless us! Everyone!"
"Yes," said Rauru cheerily. "Everyone..."
And at that second, out the window, there was a small flash through the sky.
"Oh, ho, ho... thank you for picking me up off the ground like that, Harry!" said Santa. "I appreciate it so much!"
"It's no problem, Santa!" said Harry Potter, at the controls of his broomstick. "It is Christmas after all."
"I do wish that weird little guy behind me would stop screaming, though..." Santa sighed.
"KOOLOO LIMPAH! TINGLE WILL FINALLY BE A WIZARD!"
At that second, everyone in Hyrule (yes... EVERYONE) started singing "Joy To The World" in true clichéy Christmas special style.
"JOY TO THE WORLD! THE LORD IS COME! LET EARTH RECEIVE HER KING!"
"... WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BOOOODY? I FLUSHED IT DOWN THE POOOOTTY AND ROUND AND ROUND IT GOES, AND ROUND AND ROUND IT-"
"GANONDOOOOOOORF!"
~~~ The (Very, Very, Very, Very) End! (Amen!) ~~~
(A/N: Hey man, back in the 1700s there were 12 DAYS of Christmas that only start on Christmas Eve! I technically still have time to finish these, ya know.)
As the seconds passed, the light became brighter and brighter, and soon Rauru had to shade his eyes.
"AAAAAAAGGGH! I DON'T WANNA DIEEEEE!" screeched the elderly Sage of Light.
There was a high pitched but beautiful noise, like angels singing, and suddenly, the light completely faded.
A ghostly voice spoke. "Hey... are you Rauru?"
Rauru peered over the couch worriedly. There, in front of him stood the ghost of a little girl, who couldn't have been more than 11. She had bouncy blonde locks, and she was decked out in a cute little party dress, but didn't seem to have legs. Her cranberry colored dress ended in a wispy wave of ghostly... stuff.
"AAAGGGGHHHH!" shrieked Rauru.
"Ow, ow, ow!" the spirit whined, covering her ears. "STOP SCREAMING!"
Rauru immediately shut up.
"Are... are you the spirit whose coming was foretold to me?" he stammered worriedly.
"I am," the girl replied.
"But you're just a little girl!" Rauru wailed. "You must be that brat from next door playing a trick on me!"
The girl gasped in surprise, and then burst into tears. "YOU DON'T HAVE TO RUB IT IN THAT I WAS ONLY 11 WHEN I DIIIIIED!" she shrieked angrily.
"OK, OK, OK..." Rauru said quickly, when he noticed that the girl's screams were breaking his fine china, piece by piece. "I'm sorry! So you're not that little brat from next door..."
"No, Mr. Skeptic! I am NOT the little brat from next door!" screamed the girl. "I'm the Ghost of Christmases That Have Already Happened!"
"D-don't you mean... Christmas PAST?" suggested Rauru.
"NO, CHRISTMASES THAT HAVE ALREADY HAPPENED! 'Past' is already taken!" whined the girl. "But you can call me Susie."
"Well, hi Susie..." snapped Rauru sarcastically. "I appreciate your breaking into a lonely old man's house when all he wants is some peace and quiet! Want some ham?"
Susie's eyes watered up and she burst out crying. "HOW COULD YOU BE SO INSENSITIVE? OFFERING ME HAM WHEN I COULDN'T... I HAVEN'T EATEN IN OVER 150 YEARS!"
"All right, all right... sorry!" Rauru whined. "Now get out!"
"I can't," Susie answered simply.
"And why not? Can't you just disappear?"
"No. I have a reason for being here." Susie said snootily.
"And what reason is that?" Rauru growled.
"Your welfare, you selfish old coot." Susie snapped. "Christmas is the time for sharing! Christmas is the time for caring! If you believe in Christmas things, you'll know the joy that Christmas brings!"
"Nice speech. Didn't I hear that on the holiday episode of Becker?" Rauru snapped.
"I... uh... SHUT UP!" Susie yelled. "You think you'd be a little nicer to the ghost of the girl who's only here to save you from an eternity of fiery torment in the dark reaches of the underworld!"
Rauru looked at her in disbelief. "Wha!?"
"You heard me," Susie said. "The Man Upstairs doesn't like the way you've been acting about Christmas and towards other people. So my colleagues and I are here to convince you to change your ways before you die and spend the rest of your miserable existence in heck!"
Rauru gasped, "I'm going to He-"
Susie leaped up and covered his mouth with her hand. "SHHHH!" she snapped. "This is rated PG!"
"Let go of me!" Rauru growled. "I'm going to... there just because I hate Christmas?!"
"That's riiight." giggled Susie.
"But I have a good reason to hate it!" Rauru snapped.
"So you say." Susie grinned. "We'll see, shall we? I'm going to show you several... OK, two or three Christmases in your past so you can see the error of your ways."
Susie skipped (er... floated) over to the window and kicked it open. "Come on, old guy."
"But... ghost-thingy!" Rauru yelled. "I'm not finished with my ham! And It's A Wonderful Life is on in 10 minutes! And I'm old and tired!"
"Come, ON!" the girl screamed, grabbing Rauru by the arm and dragging him over to the window.
"DID I MENTION I WEIGH 300 POUNDS?!" Rauru shrieked as Susie prepared to push him.
"YOU ARE SUCH AN INSENSITIVE JERK!" Susie shrieked. "AND I WEIGH NOTHING! YOU BIG MEANY!"
And with that, Susie pushed with all her might, and Rauru went tumbling down, down, out the 6th story window in the Temple of Light where he lived, and fell screaming into a bright white warphole.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-
........... AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-WHAM!"
Rauru landed face-first on the hardwood floor of a nice upper-class suburbia Hylian house.
"MY... HIP!" he gasped.
Susie floated down gently to join him. "Here we are!" she grinned. "This is it! This is the Christmas when you were 12!"
Rauru stood up slowly, and looked around. He was in his childhood living room. He was at once hit with a million sights and sounds and smells and hopes and dreams that he hadn't felt since he was 12.
"This... this is my living room!" Rauru gasped. "And look! There, on the couch! It's my mom! And my dad! And crazy Uncle Albert! Hi! Hi Mom, hi Dad! And in the kitchen! My cousin Hans! And... It's my Nana! NANA! HI NANA! GIVE ME A HUG!"
"Hey, old guy!" Susie said impatiently, grabbing Rauru's waving hand out of the air. "These are only visions of things that have been. The people here are only memories. They can't hear you, they can't see you, and they especially can't hug you."
"Oh," Rauru said, a touch of disappointment in his voice. "But wait- Who's that kid over there by the fireplace?"
He walked up to the boy, who was wearing yellow and maroon robes and had a head full of bright white hair.
"That's you, stupid." Susie laughed.
And so it was. Rauru was seeing himself as a 12-year-old!
"I know why I'm so sad." Rauru sighed. "I wanted that baseball bat. I wanted it so badly..."
"And you got it." Susie said.
But then I fell down the stairs and broke it, and it splintered up my hands real bad." Rauru growled. "Stupid thing!"
"Rauru, sweetie! Come in for dinner!" called a voice from the kitchen.
"Here you go, son..." said Rauru's Dad, handing his son a brightly wrapped, long package.
"NOOO! OPEN IT NOW! DON'T TAKE IT TO DINNER!" Rauru screamed into the ear of his 12-year-old self.
"Uh... old guy?" asked Susie, poking him.
"What?"
"HE CAN'T HEAR YOU!" Susie shrieked.
"Oh yeah..."
12-year-old Rauru sat down at the table, and served himself a heaping plate of food. Rauru and Susie listened as Rauru's Dad droned on and on about some boring subject.
Suddenly, Rauru's Dad accidentally knocked Uncle Albert's elbow into the butter.
"I'm so sorry, Uncle Albert. Well anyway, Admiral Halsley notified me he had to have a berth or he couldn't get to sea..."
"Could I have some more peas, please?" asked Rauru's mother.
"Certainly..." replied Rauru's cousin Hans. "Where... where are they?"
Rauru's Dad pointed at a pitcher of water on the table directly next to the peas. "Hans, across the water."
"Water?" asked Hans.
"Hans, across the pie," Rauru's mother explained.
And as Paul McCartney fans across the internet read that horrible joke in the last paragraph and rolled their eyes, Rauru had to re-watch the whole horrible accident, wincing as he heard himself hit the bottom of the stairs.
"WHY? WHYYYY DID I HAVE TO FALL!?" Rauru screamed to the sky. "WHYYYYYYYY!?"
He watched painfully as his mother and father raced to the bottom of the stairs and tried to help their son up, pulling hundreds of thumbtacks out of his butt while they did.
"And I never used my hands again..." Rauru wailed. "THERE, LITTLE MISS GHOSTY! IS THAT ENOUGH REASON FOR YOU?!"
"They had a good reason for not pulling your splinters out." Susie said. "It might have hurt you even more!"
"Pssht." Rauru snorted. "Well this only shows me that I DO have a right to be angry."
"But remember Rauru, there was another Christmas that was happy!" Susie said, grinning.
"The one where I met..." Rauru gasped.
But before he could finish, they were off.
Rauru landed on his face in the middle of a great crowd of people, two-stepping and dancing.
"Hmmph. Stupid idiots... partying like that..." Rauru snapped.
"Hey look, there you are!" Susie grinned, pointing to an 18-year old Rauru, hands tucked into his robes, standing alone.
Rauru stared at the unhappy-looking younger version of himself.
"Look, there's Dampé!" Susie said, pointing to Rauru's old crippled friend, dancing around in circles with the first shovel he had ever received, a Christmas gift. "And up there- The Royal Composer Brothers!"
Two very young versions of Sharp and Flat were providing the music. In fact, everyone there was someone that Rauru had known when he was very young.
"Look- There's my old boss!" Rauru said, pointing out a young man (a young version of the astronomer from Majora's Mask) dancing with a lovely young woman.
Rauru gasped when he saw the woman. "It's... It's..."
Rauru's boss (the astronomer) lead the woman over to where Rauru was standing. "Hello there, Rauru! Wonderful party, is it not?"
"No," snapped young Rauru. "Do you know how many Rupees this is gonna cost us, sir?"
"Oh, come on, Rauru!" laughed his boss. "Oh, here. I'm so rude! This lovely young lady is Agnes Granny... she works in the potions department of the store. Agnes, this is Rauru, my personal assistant."
Agnes stepped forward and curtsied to young Rauru. The mad look melted right off his face.
"Agnes..." Rauru wailed to Susie. "She was a brilliant young woman. Wonderful at making potions... In fact, she... has her own store, now... in Kakariko..."
Young Rauru (hands still tucked into his robes) and Agnes set out dancing on the floor, and Rauru sighed sadly.
"There was another Christmas with her, wasn't there?" asked Susie innocently.
"Oh no! Please! Don't show me that Christmas!" Rauru begged. "Please!"
"Sorry, rules are rules." Susie shrugged. The scene faded into blackness.
Seconds later, Rauru and Susie were standing and floating in a beautiful snow-covered meadow. A young couple sat on a nearly fallen log, talking quietly.
"I SAID NOT TO SHOW ME THIS ONE!" Rauru wailed. "PLEASE! TAKE ME OUT OF HERE!"
"Rauru, you promised that we would get married this year!" Agnes whined, twirling her hair.
"I know darling, but there's just so much for me to do..." 20-year-old Rauru mumbled. "What with the store and all... I'm responsible for all the store accounts, and if I don't do my job, who will?"
"But Rauru," Agnes interrupted. "We have enough money! We can get married and buy a house and you could still work in the store!"
"But how will we afford a store for you and your potions?" asked Rauru again. "We need more money. We can get married next year!"
"That's what you said last year! And the year before!" Agnes wailed. "I'm starting to think you don't want to get married at all!"
"Agnes, of course I do!" Rauru assured her. "But we need more money now..."
"Hold my hand, then..." Agnes snapped leaping to her feet. "If you still want to get married, then hold my hand like you've never done."
Young Rauru turned totally red. "I... I..."
"Come on, Rauru! If you love me you won't mind holding my hand!"
"But Agnes..." Rauru wailed. "My hands... they..."
"I knew it..." said Agnes sadly. She picked up her stuff from next to Rauru and turned to him angrily. "You and your money! That's all you care about! You don't really love me anymore... it's all about Rauru and his career!"
"No, Agnes, I..." Rauru said shakily. "It's my hands! Christmas... a few years ago, and I... had an accident, and..."
"That may be," Agnes said. "But it's true- All you care about is your money. If you really loved me half as much as that stupid money, we'd already be married!"
"We can't afford to get married!" Rauru wailed. Then his expression turned. "Fine, you selfish little ditz. If you want to get married so bad without any money to do it... You can... get married to someone else!"
"NO, YOU IDIOT!" Rauru screamed at his past self. "GO AFTER HER! DON'T LET HER GET AWAY!"
Agnes let out a cry and stomped toward the edge of the clearing. "You're heartless, Rauru!"
"GO AFTER HER YOU FOOL! YOU'LL NEVER SEE HER AGAIN!" Rauru shrieked at his other self.
But Rauru's other self just sat on the log like the cranky little jerk he was, and snorted. "Ditz."
There was a whizzing noise, and young Rauru was suddenly knocked off the log onto his butt in the snow. It was Agnes' engagement ring leaving an imprint in his head.
"YOU IDIOT!" Rauru screamed angrily. "YOU'VE JUST LOST THE LOVE OF YOUR LIFE YOU FOOL!"
Susie stood by silently, smirking. "See what hating Christmas will get you?"
"THAT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH CHRISTMAS!" Rauru screamed at Susie. "IT HAD TO DO WITH MY BEING A SELFISH LITTLE PIG AND NOT MARRYING AGNES UNTIL I WAS RICH, WHICH WOULD NEVER END UP HAPPENING!"
"Why didn't you catch up with her later, if that's how you felt?" Susie shot back.
"BECAUSE ONE WEEK LATER I-" Rauru took it down a notch. "One week later I awakened as the Sage of Light... and since the Light Temple was in the Sacred Realm AND where the Triforce was... I could never leave it again."
"Oh. So you never saw her again."
"Only in DREAMS!" Rauru wailed, bursting into tears. "WHY'D YOU HAVE TO GO AND SHOW ME THIS, STUPID? THIS CHRISTMAS WAS THE WORST DAY OF MY LIFE, AND YOU MAKE ME RELIVE IT? WHY?"
"Because you were mean," Susie said simply. "No, because I had to."
Rauru picked up a snowball off the ground and threw it at Susie as hard as he could. It went right through her.
"Stop it!" Susie yelled.
"Why, you can't feel it." Rauru said glumly.
"OH, OK, LET'S JUST ALL THROW STUFF AT SUSIE BECAUSE SHE CAN'T FEEL IT, YOU INSENSITIVE SLOB!" Susie shrieked. "You've seen all you have to see anyway! Time for the next spirit! I hope you'll be nicer to that one, you creep!"
Susie snapped her fingers and Rauru landed with a crash on his living room floor again.
"Ow..." muttered the Sage of Light, who could still almost feel the cold of the snowy meadow.
There was suddenly another bright flash of light, but Rauru was face-down on the floor this time, so he didn't see much of it.
And when the light faded, Rauru sat up and found himself staring at a pair of enormous black boots.
He looked up and saw the biggest man he had ever seen. He had a shaggy black beard that covered most of his face, and both of his arms were each thicker than Rauru's neck. He was completely bald, though, and one of his eyes was squinty. He was wearing a not-so-festive leather vest that barely covered his hairy chest and a pair of black leather pants.
The huge man grunted, and lifted Rauru up by his robe collar. Rauru then noticed that the man looked suspiciously like the man who ran the Bazaar in Hyrule Castle Town Market.
"Who are you?" Rauru yelled. "What are you doing in my house?" (He wasn't too happy with his last experience with these strange spirits.)
"Hello, little man!" said the big man in a deep voice, with an Austrian accent. "I am the Ghost of Christmas Presents."
"You mean Present?" asked Rauru crankily.
"No, I mean Presents. Present was taken, so I get the plural. But you can just call me Sully."
"Um, hi Sully..." Rauru said. "NOW LET ME DOWN!"
"I can't," shrugged Sully. "I have to show you what's going on this Christmas."
"WHY!?" yelled Rauru, "I HATE THE HOLIDAYS!"
"Because if I don't you're going to... H-E-Double Hockey Sticks."
Rauru rolled his eyes. "You mean He-"
"SSSHHHH!" hissed Sully, clapping his hand over Rauru's entire face. "This is rated PG! Now let's get going, I'm expected at the gym in ten minutes..."
They disappeared in a puff of smoke, and reappeared in what Rauru recognized to be the bottom floor of Hyrule Castle.
"What's going on here?" asked Rauru. "Is that snobby little brat Zelda having another lame holiday party?"
"We'll see," said Sully, carrying Rauru up the stairs, still by his collar.
Rauru watched, sickeningly at the goings-on of the party.
Link was in the corner, still playing with his Harry Potter action figure and using his Malfoy figure to try and keep Ruto away. She was more convinced than ever that he would accept her to marry him.
Nabooru was sitting on the couch, devouring pint after pint of Festivus Ice Cream and trying to ignore the other couple on the couch, Ganondorf and Impa, who were making like mistletoe again.
Darunia and LL had hit the snack table, and hard. Almost every last piece of the stone table was gone, and the food plates lay all over the floor.
Malon seemed to be in a good mood again, and she was sitting by the fire, watching the other guests.
Zelda came racing in, blowing a foghorn to shut everyone up. "HEY EVERYONE!" she screamed, "IT'S TIME TO SING CHRISTMAS CAROLS!"
"AWWWWWWW..." whined the other guests.
"Do we have to?" asked Ganondorf, pouting.
"Hey bub, you're lucky to be here as it is!" Zelda snapped. "We're singing, and that's the last word! OK, does everyone know Joy To The World?"
"Yes..." grumbled everyone else.
"OK then... 1... 2... 1, 2, 3!"
And then the room erupted in a terrible, horrible burst of sound. Zelda was singing as loudly as she could. Ruto and Malon didn't seem to know the words, they were humming nervously. Link was making his action figures sing, and Darunia and LL were screeching like cats in great pain. Nabooru was holding her ears, Impa was shaking her head sadly, and Ganondorf was singing a DIFFERENT version of the song, the one where you barbecue your teacher and flush the body down the potty.
Rauru held his ears, and even Sully had to wince at the noise.
"Oh wow, I am like, missing so much Christmassy fun," whined Rauru. "Hey wait- Where's Saria?"
"Who?" asked Sully.
"Saria- Little green-haired twerp." Rauru said. "She was supposed to come too..."
That's when Rauru heard a moan of pain from the kitchen stairs. He looked down, and saw poor Saria, sprawled out from where Malon had pushed her, and desperately reaching for a broomstick by the wall to use as a crutch.
"Who did that?" Rauru screamed angrily at the crowd.
"They can't hear you, stupid little man." Sully chuckled.
"Why did they push her? That's the same thing that happened to me when I was 12!" Rauru snapped. "Can't we help her?"
"Nope, sorry." Sully shrugged. "Well then, there's much more to see, let's go..."
"No!" Rauru yelled, showing the first remorse and caring for another person that he had shown that day. "Tell me, Spirit..."
"Sully," Sully corrected.
"Fine, tell me, Sully. Will Saria die down there?"
Sully raised an eyebrow on his big bald head. "Uh... I really don't think so."
"Can't you see anything in the future?" Rauru cried.
"Um, no." Sully said sheepishly.
"Take me back home, right now!" Rauru yelled. "I have to come to the castle and rescue the poor thing! I don't want her turning out like me, old and cranky and Christmas-hating!"
"Aw, how sweet." Sully sighed. "But don't you think that someone HERE will find her?"
"They're too busy screeching," Rauru said, rolling his eyes as Ganondorf began his own rendition of Jingle Bells. ("Jingle Bells, Zelda smells, Linky laid an egg...)
"Fine, fine... But you know, if I take you home you'll have to meet the next Spirit before you can come here."
"I don't care! Let's go!" Rauru yelled triumphantly.
Rauru landed on his couch, snapping it in half, and Sully vanished into thin air.
"NEXT SPIRIIIIT!" he screamed into the air. "COME OUT, COME OUT WHEREVER YOU ARE! HURRY UP!"
There was another blinding light, and a shadowy figure walked up behind Rauru. Rauru didn't see him until..."
"Good eeeeeeveniiiiing..." the figure chuckled in a Boris Karloff Dracula-style voice.
"AAAAAAAGGGH!" shrieked Rauru.
He spun around and saw the third spirit, who was none other than the crazy Poe shop dealer. (Or, at least he looked like him)
"Hellooooooo..." snickered the Poe shop guy. "I am the Ghost of Christmases That Haven't Happened Yet..."
"I'm not even going to ask about the future thing," Rauru sighed, shaking his head.
"Goooooood..." laughed Poe Guy. "Come along then... we have... not that much to see, but still... stuuuuff... Heh heh heh heh heeeeeh..."
The Poe Guy snapped his thin fingers and Rauru and him disappeared...
... Only to reappear in the back alleys of Hyrule Castle Town, where a meeting was taking place between the Termanian Curiosity shop guy, the pooch lady, Bombchu shop guy and shooting gallery man.
"Well then, well then..." chuckled Curiosity shop guy. "What have ya got for old Charlie, eh? What did you find on our little expedition..."
"I got his curtains!" snickered the pooch lady. "Dreadful ratty old things they are..."
Charlie took the curtains from her and examined them carefully. "Well that'll be 30 Rupees there..."
He handed Pooch Lady her money, and then shooting gallery man stepped up. "I've got his blankie. Someone told me it was his baby blankie, and he couldn't sleep without it..."
He handed Charlie the blanket, and he handed him a 50 Rupee piece in return.
"Hey Spirit, those aren't my curtains or my blanket..." Rauru whispered.
"Who said they were suppossssssed to be?" asked Poe Guy.
"Um, isn't the point of your visit to show me that I'm gonna die if I keep being mean to people and that no one will care?"
"Maaaaaybe, maybe not..." chuckled Poe Guy.
Then Bombchu guy stepped up. "I've got something that'll knock your socks off! Check this out!"
He held up a pair of small silver hoop earrings.
"WOW! ARE THOSE... THE EARRINGS THAT HE ALWAYS WORE?" gasped shooting gallery man.
"They are!" Bombchu guy snickered. "I took them right off his ears!"
"Ewww..." Rauru groaned. "Hey... I don't have earrings!"
"Quiet, you!" threatened Poe Guy.
"These are wonderful! They look so sexy on me!" chuckled Charlie, trying on the earrings. He handed over 200 Rupees to Bombchu shop guy, and all three of them laughed maliciously.
"SPIRIT!" shrieked Rauru. "THOSE ARE... THOSE ARE LINK'S EARRINGS AND CURTAINS AND BLANKET!"
"No, ya think?" chuckled Poe Guy.
"Link! He's DEAD?!" gasped Rauru. "How could he be dead? He's so young!" Suddenly, footsteps were heard running into the alley. The four people stopped laughing and listened quietly.
"HEY! I KNOW YOU'RE BACK THERE!" screamed someone.
All four of them shrieked and tried to run, but Link raced out from behind the alley and tackled Charlie.
"HEY!" Link snapped, "Those are my things!" He tore the blankets and the curtains out of Charlie's grip and then ripped away the earrings. "What's the big idea, hmm? Stealing my crap and selling it?"
"I'M SORRY, SIR!" Charlie squealed. "I'll never do it again!"
Rauru stared at Poe Guy, raising his eyebrows. "He's... not dead."
"Nope." Poe Guy chuckled.
"Then... why in the HECK did you show me this?" Rauru demanded.
"I don't know." Poe Guy giggled.
"You're an idiot." Rauru sighed, rolling his eyes.
"Oh yeah, I remember now... I was supposed to show you... THIS!" Poe Guy yelled, snapping his fingers.
They reappeared in Kokiri Forest, where the Kokiri kids were all sitting around their Christmas pole, celebrating.
Except for one notable Kokiri who seemed to be missing.
"Where's Saria?" asked Rauru, scratching his head. "Is she at Zelda's party?"
"Nope," Poe Guy grinned. Well, considering he has no mouth, he didn't really grin, he kind of... Ah, you know.
"Then where is she?" Rauru demanded. "As much as I hate the little twerp, I hope she's all right."
The Poe Guy extended a long, nasty finger at a small hut nearby.
"That's Saria's house!" Rauru said, running inside.
Inside, he saw a rocking chair sitting by a dim fireplace. Someone was sitting in the chair.
"Ah, POOEY!" snapped an old and senile voice.
"Who is that?" asked Rauru.
"Geh heh heh..." snickered Poe Guy.
Rauru walked around the chair, and was shocked to see none other than Saria sitting in the chair, dressed as an old lady.
She was of course, still a child. But she was dressed in orthopedic stockings and knit shawls and a little hair net thingy.
"Stupid kids..." she snarled. "Making such a racket over such a stupid thing as Christmas... BAAH! Well I HATE Christmas!"
"Oh Spirit, no!" Rauru wailed. "What happened to her?"
"Geh heh heh..." chuckled Poe Guy, pointing at Saria again.
Rauru took a closer look and saw that her hands were bandaged up.
"OH NO! NOT THE STAIRS!" he wailed. "All because she fell down the stairs this Christmas, Saria turned out like me!"
He scratched his chin. "Not that there's anything WRONG with that, but... Grr!"
"It gets woooooorse." Poe Guy giggled, snapping his fingers again.
They reappeared in what looked like a nursing home. All of Hyrule's senior citizens were hanging around a large Christmas tree, singing the song from "How The Grinch Stole Christmas".
"What's this?" asked Rauru.
Poe Guy snickered and pointed to a big, burly looking nurse walking down the hall holding a hypodermic needle as big as a broomstick.
"Follow her?" asked Rauru. Poe Guy nodded.
So, Rauru followed the nurse down several corridors to the only shut door in the whole place.
"It's time for ya medicine, Mista R." croaked the nurse.
Rauru heard a hideous, evil laugh from inside the room, and he slipped past the nurse, where a horrible sight met his eyes.
There, in the room, taking up an entire couch's worth of space, was Rauru! Much older... He looked about 200 years old. He had a wild out of control beard, and he had gotten SO... FAT that big, flabby, wrinkly bags of saggy, cottage cheesy, cellulite covered skin were hanging out of ripped seams on every inch of his robes...
(The author takes a break to go wash out her eyes and vomit.)
"AWWW! EWWWWW!" groans Rauru, covering his eyes. "AWWW, SICK! That can't be me!"
"Gehhhh..." snarled the Poe Guy. "Eww..."
"HAR HAR HAR!" laughed ancient, obese Rauru. "EH? WHADDAT YA SAY?"
"I said it's time for your medicine, you nasty old bag."
"HAR HAR!" laughed ancient obese Rauru. "HAR HAR HAR HAR HAR! I needs no medicine! All I needs is a good big beefsteak!"
"That's the last thing you need... You weigh three metric tons!" the nurse growled, sticking Rauru with the giant needle and causing his... how should I put this... BLUBBER to jiggle like a giant bowl of disgusting, moldy Jello.
(Author takes a break to gag and take a few Pepto Bismols)
"HAR HAR!" snickered ancient evil Rauru. "IN MY DAY NURSES WOULD SHUT UP WHEN THEY HAD TO STICK MEDICINE IN YOUR- [expletive, expletive, expletive, description so graphic they wouldn't even show it on Cinemax]."
The nurse sighed, turned around, and stomped out of the room yelling, "ALL RIGHT BETTY! I TOOK MY TURN! YOU GET TO GIVE HIM HIS MEDICINE NEXT TIME!"
"How!?" Rauru wailed. "How did I turn into such a big, disgusting, rude, annoying, and all-around... NASTY old man?"
"Too much TV, not enough talking, I suspeeeeeeect," the Poe Guy growled, snickering.
"NOOO!" Rauru shrieked, staring at the massive, chunky, jiggling old coot in the corner. "I swear! I can change! I'd LOVE to change! I'll go to every Christmas party anyone will ever hold if I don't turn out like that!"
"Geh heh..." Poe Guy snickered.
"Spirit! Please! Are these the shadows of things that WILL be, or can they be altered? You wouldn't have showed me if I was a hopeless case!" Rauru pleaded.
The Poe Guy finally had nothing to say (as, by example of other version of the Christmas story, he probably never should have had anything to say...). He merely snickered, pointed at the door to ancient, fat Rauru's room as another burly nurse came striding in, holding a giant toilet brush.
"Mista R, it's time for your sponge bath!"
(Author runs to nearest church screaming, races inside, tells nearest priest what she just wrote. Priest grabs emergency bottle of Holy Water, sprays it in her eyes. She thanks priest, races back home, and finishes story.)
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" shrieked Rauru. Suddenly, the floor beneath him seemed to open up, and he fell down, Down, DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWN... all the way to-
BANG!
"OOF!" Rauru grunted as he hit the tiled floor of his kitchen. "My... HIP!"
Shuddering, he stood up, and looked around.
"I'm... I'm home!" Rauru screamed happily. "I'm home! In my own kitchen! And it's..." He looked at the nearest clock. "It's only 8:30! I can still make it to Zelda's party!"
Rauru immediately leaped to his feet, opened the fridge, and pulled out every single piece of junk food in the place, dousing it in gasoline and burning it on his patio. He yanked out a few bags of baby carrots and a big piece of celery, threw it in his mouth, and raced to his closet to get dressed.
LINK'S CHRISTMAS PARTY BLUES
"Ganondorf, for the LAST TIME! SING THE RIGHT WORDS TO THE SONGS!" shrieked Zelda, as the King of Thieves finished his own variation on "We Three Kings".
"OK, OK, so-rry, Miss Christmas Cop!" Ganondorf spat, while Impa frowned at Zelda.
"Zelda, he doesn't know the right words!" she said. "Let him sing what he wants!"
"But Impaaaaa..." Zelda whined. "He's ruining everything!"
"I am not!" Ganondorf said, pouting. "Gimme another chance! Sing one I know this time!"
"Like what?" asked Zelda.
"Do... 'Winter Wonderland'." Ganondorf said, nodding. "Yeah, that one. I know that one good."
"Hmmm..." Zelda said. "Link, is that one all right with you?"
From the corner he was sitting in, Link groaned. He wished Zelda would stop running everything by him first... it was getting annoying.
"Uh, yeah, fine, Zel..." he sighed.
The novelty of playing duel with Malfoy and Harry had finally worn off, and the two action figures were now sitting in Link's pocket. He was a bit disappointed though, that he had already opened his Secret Santa present and now had nothing to look forward to when everyone else opened theirs.
At least Malon was speaking to him again. She seemed to be staring at him with the same look that Zelda and Ruto always gave him...
Aw man, not another one... he had thought.
Zelda sat down at the piano and opened the book to "Winter Wonderland". "OK, who wants to solo at the beginning?" she asked.
Everyone sunk down into their chairs, except Ganondorf and Impa. Impa waved her hand excitedly.
"OOH! Let me do it, Zelda! And Ganondorf can start on the main melody! He can! He's a good singer!"
Zelda sighed. "OK, fine. Impa, get up here. And bring your boyfriend, too."
Ganondorf grinned excitedly and jumped up next to the piano with Impa.
Zelda began to play and Impa started the song.
"Over the ground lies a mantle of white! A heaven of diamonds shine down through the night! Two hearts are thrillin' in spite of the chill in the weather! Love knows no season, love knows no clime, romance can blossom at any old time! Out in the open, we're walkin' and hopin' together!"
Then she turned to Ganondorf, smiling.
Zelda turned to him as she continued to play, scowling. "Don't mess it up or I'll..." she mouthed to him.
Ganondorf grinned, and produced a microphone by magic. "THERE IT STANDS!" he belted out. "THE CASINO! Mom's inside! Playing Keno! Day after days! She sits and she plays! Every week she drops another grand!"
"GANONDOOORF!" Zelda shrieked, slamming her fist on the keyboard.
"See my dad! Roll the ice there! With his luck! Cold as ice there! He doubles his bets as well as his debts! Every week he drops another grand!"
Impa, Nabooru, Malon, Ruto, Darunia and LL burst out laughing. Link snickered and rolled his eyes. Zelda was screeching in fury.
Ganondorf began a spiffy little dance routine at this part.
"Yesterday they repossessed our Taurus! Now Dad's cashing out his IRA! Things are even worse for Cousin Horace! Beaten up by bookies he can't PAAAAAY!"
Zelda sighed and sank into the piano stool, scowling.
"Christmas Eve... there's no tree there! The folks are gone... There's just me there! They're trying once more to make a big score. You can BET that they'll DROP another GRAND! EV-RY WEEK THEY DROP A-NO-THER GRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAND!"
Ganondorf took a bow, and everyone (but Zelda) burst out laughing.
"YOU... YOU'RE SO... YOU JUST..." Zelda stuttered. "UUGH! YOU SUCK, GANONDORF!"
"Thank you," he grinned, making the microphone disappear and sitting down on the couch next to Impa. "I am so good..." he grinned.
Impa laughed, but when she saw Zelda's peeved face, she stood up. "Well, now that we're all here, should we open Secret Santa gifts?"
Everyone gathered their gifts for each other from under the tree. Link was the first to get his. He handed it to Impa. "Merry Christmas, Impa," he said, grinning.
He watched Impa open her new eyeshadow, and when he looked up, he saw Nabooru, Zelda AND Ruto all standing across the room with huge gifts in their hands, eyeing Link.
"Uh..." he stammered, stepping backwards.
Then all three girls raced over to him, tackled him to the ground, and began screaming at him.
"HERE LINK I GOT YOUR NAME! MERRY CHRISTMAS!"
"HEY LINK TAKE A LOOKIT WHAT I GOT CHA! LOOK! TAKE A LOOK!"
"LINKY-POO, HERE! MERRY CHRISTMAS!"
"YOU? YOU DIDN'T GET HIS NAME, I GOT HIS NAME!"
"YOU'RE BOTH LIARS! I GOT HIS NAME!"
"AAGGGH!" he shrieked. "GETOFF! GETOFF! LEAVE ME ALOOOONE!"
All three girls jumped up and stepped back, leaving Link with several black eyes and a pile of three gifts.
"Uh, thanks..." he said.
The girls watched in happy anticipation as Link slowly opened the first present.
"It's from Ruto..." he said. "It's... HEY! Dr. Kokiri's Tunic Dry Cleaning Kit AND a new tunic! Thanks, Ruto!"
Ruto smiled, and the other two glared at her.
"And this one's from Zelda... It's... a sword polishing kit! Hey, thanks Zel!"
Zelda smiled even more than Nabooru.
"And this one's from Nabooru..." Link said. He tore off the paper, and...
"HOLY CRAP! THE HARRY POTTER SPELLCASTER PLAYSET!" he shrieked. "AAAGGH! I WANTED ONE OF THESE SO BADLY! IT'LL GO GREAT WITH WHAT MALON GOT ME!"
"MALON!?" gasped Zelda. She turned to Malon and glared. "Hey babe, I was Link's Secret Santa!"
"No, you were not!" Malon yelled. "It was ME!"
"You're both liars!" Nabooru shrieked. "I got Link's name!"
"NO WAY!" Ruto cried. "He's MY fiancé and MY Secret Santa!"
The four girls got into an angry squabble, and Link stared stupidly at the stumped faces of Impa, Ganondorf, LL and Darunia. Darunia was busy snacking on the model clay set that Impa had bought him, and every once and a while LL would take a little bit too.
"Whoa, whoa WHOA!" Link yelled at the girls, who were now trying to rip each other's hair (and scales, in Ruto's case) out. "Only one of you could really have been my Secret Santa... The rest of you blew off your real people to get me something. Tell me the truth, now... Who had my name?"
The girls all stumbled around for a minute, and Nabooru raised her hand. "I did! I had your name!"
"Who did you have, Zelda?" asked Link.
"I had... Ruto." Zelda sighed.
"HEY!" Ruto snapped.
"And who did you have, Ruto?"
"Malon..." Ruto said sheepishly.
"And Malon?"
"Nabooru..."
"SO WAIT A MINUTE!" Zelda snapped. "WHO HAD ME, THEN?"
"I did!" said a weak voice from behind them.
Hobbling up the stairs in a cast and crutches was Saria! Right behind her helping her walk was Rauru, dressed in his Christmas finest and carrying a bunch of packages.
"Ho, ho, ho!" Rauru cried. "Merry Christmas, everyone!"
"Rauru!" gasped Impa. "But you hate Christmas!"
"Not anymore!" Saria grinned. "He told me so when he was helping me up the stairs!"
"It took a big, flabby me and one nasty sponge bath to change my mind," Rauru said.
Saria cut in again. "And I'm ashamed of you guys! Fighting over Link, when you were supposed to give each other things?"
"That's what got you pushed down the stairs, Saria." Malon snapped.
"So then, who had you, Saria?" asked Link.
"Darunia. And luckily, his gift was a pair of crutches..." she sighed.
"It WAS?" gasped Darunia. "Oh. So maybe it was."
"Saria's right..." Zelda sighed. "We were all being so stupid! We forgot what the season is really about."
"Christmas is the time for sharing! Christmas is the time for caring! If you believe in Christmas things, you'll know the joy that Christmas brings!" Rauru sang happily.
"Wasn't that on a holiday episode of Becker?" asked Link.
"Oh, shut up!" Rauru snapped. He threw out his presents for everyone, which (because this is a cliché special) happened to be exactly what everyone wanted.
"A new pair of parachute pants!" Nabooru squealed.
"A SET OF ENGAGEMENT RINGS!" Ruto gasped.
"A ROCK!" Darunia grinned.
"And one for me, too!" LL added.
"A new set of body armor!" Impa cooed.
"The Triforces of Wisdom and Courage!" Ganondorf giggled maniacally.
"Oops, sorry Ganondorf, my mistake. Those are Zelda and Link's. They left them at my house," Rauru said, snatching them back from him.
"Awww..." Ganondorf sighed. "Hey! A bottle of Rogaine!"
"New earrings!" Zelda smiled.
"A booster seat!" Saria laughed.
"And for me..." Link said, "A SIGNED COPY OF HARRY POTTER BOOK FIVE THE ORDER OF THE PHOENIX? AAAAGGGGGHHHHH!" he shrieked blissfully. "I THINK I'M GONNA DIE! I'M GONNA DIE! AAAGGGGHHHH!"
~~~~~~~ Clichéd Ending! ~~~~~~~
Outside, Santa's reindeer flew off into the sky, until they were only a brief flash of starlight.
It stopped snowing so hard and it became a soft sprinkling of white instead of a blizzard.
"MERRY CHRISTMAS! MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE!" Darunia screamed.
"Look, Daddy!" LL said (with his voice now up two octaves), pointing at a bell on the tree. "Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings!"
Ganondorf and Impa made out some more.
Zelda and Malon, the lifelong competitors for Link's attention, looked at each other, sighed, and hugged like friends.
Ruto smiled, snuck up behind Link, and slipped one of the engagement rings Rauru had given her on his finger. Then she put the other one on and laughed.
Link shrieked in fear when he saw the ring, then looked at Ruto's sad face. He rolled his eyes, shrugged, and gave the Water Sage a big hug.
Saria hobbled over to the tree on crutches, and said (with English accent) "God Bless us! Everyone!"
"Yes," said Rauru cheerily. "Everyone..."
And at that second, out the window, there was a small flash through the sky.
"Oh, ho, ho... thank you for picking me up off the ground like that, Harry!" said Santa. "I appreciate it so much!"
"It's no problem, Santa!" said Harry Potter, at the controls of his broomstick. "It is Christmas after all."
"I do wish that weird little guy behind me would stop screaming, though..." Santa sighed.
"KOOLOO LIMPAH! TINGLE WILL FINALLY BE A WIZARD!"
At that second, everyone in Hyrule (yes... EVERYONE) started singing "Joy To The World" in true clichéy Christmas special style.
"JOY TO THE WORLD! THE LORD IS COME! LET EARTH RECEIVE HER KING!"
"... WHAT HAPPENED TO THE BOOOODY? I FLUSHED IT DOWN THE POOOOTTY AND ROUND AND ROUND IT GOES, AND ROUND AND ROUND IT-"
"GANONDOOOOOOORF!"
~~~ The (Very, Very, Very, Very) End! (Amen!) ~~~
