Title: I Love You, Asuka (9)

Title: I Love You, Asuka (9)

Author: Yih

Revised: January 12, 2001

Edit Major: Worldmage

Dedication: Davie Ziegler, Narck Daggon, Ahriman, Macros, cali-chan, Brice Rankin, Natari-chan, catch22, purplecow, FierySable, Jia-Tien, Koaru's revenge, Flint, Rhine, TommyRude, Puarr, Iris, sky mage, Ensign Zeke, Bob2345, Jonathan, Skull_Leader, Scarlet Fiacchi, Yebisu Beer (KEEP REVIEWING ^_^)

Disclaimer: All rights belong to Gainax.

Poet Author: Yih

Poem Written: January 11, 2001

To Get You In The Mood

No Title #2 (Vs. #1)

If I die today

A question I must ask

Have I done anything--anything at all?

It allows many unthoughtful answers

People give to appease

MY burning desire to be known

Lies forgotten with junky mail

To be thrown after sorting

Is that all that I am?

This world is unforgiving

It is forever deceiving

People promise and never do

Nothing matters anymore

Nothing really matters anymore

If I die today

No one bothers to even care
Nothing matters anymore

Nothing really matters anymore

Iamforgotten

Part 9: Thanatopsis (Meditation on Death)

["Shinji! Where are you?" Misato cried out desperately. "Why won't you come out? Why won't you let me find you? Where are you Shinji?"

Shinji huddled in the corner of his closet with his hands over his earphones to block out Misato's voice.

He didn't need to hear this.

He didn't want to hear this.

He wouldn't believe whatever she said. He couldn't.

"Asuka will live. She will live. She will live. Whatever you say, it's not true. I won't believe it. I will not believe," Shinji babbled over and over for emphasis.

"Shinji?" Misato opened the closet. "I've heard some news from the doctors."

Shinji started screaming. She held him close to her as he kept screaming his pain.

"It's okay Shinji. It's okay, Shinji!" Misato sobbed. "Why won't you listen to me?"

Shinji kept screaming as he covered his ears with his hands to prevent him from hearing what Misato had to say. He fainted from sheer exhaustion:

"Shinji… Shinji…" she called to him.

He turned to look at his beautiful, lost Asuka. "How are you here?"

"I'm always here." She didn't explain further.

He sighed with relief. "I'm happy that you're here."

She shrugged. "It doesn't matter, whether I'm here or not."

Shinji felt a deep aching hurt. "Of course it matters!" he shouted at her. "You matter to me. Remember the time we first kissed? You held my nose—I thought I was going to suffocate. But damn, Asuka, your lips tasted so good! Do you know how much you mean to me? Do you know? Remember the time you went to the hospital--I confessed--"

He stopped himself. The hospital scene flashed before him:

-He was sitting next to Asuka, as the heart monitor beeped slowly. It was after he saw the tears that things started to get dramatic. It was like it was out of a dream. The heart monitor plunged to a straight, horrifying line. The doctors and nurses rushed in. One nurse helped escort him even after he begged to stay. He was being kicked out, like always. He sat outside of Asuka's room. He knew everything that was going on in there. He heard the panic in the voices. He heard the beginning of the end. Misato came up to him, trying to comfort him. But it was too late. He was too far gone. He had seen the hand of death when everyone thought she was out of danger. The only thing he thought of was: 'She might be dead. She might be dead. She might be dead. She might be dead. She might be dead.'-

He muttered his thought aloud: "It didn't happen. That was just a dream. That wasn't real."

Asuka started laughing. It was horrible laughter, filled with some violent emotion. She wouldn't stop laughing even when Shinji went down on his knees in front of her, begging her to stop laughing. Tears filled her eyes as she began to sob and laugh at the same time. After controlling her sobs and giggles to mere whimpers, Asuka managed to say, "you are so stupid Shinji."

"Asuka, did you ever love me a little, at all?" he painfully asked in a quiet voice.

She laughed cruelly. "I never liked you, much less loved you?! Are you so stupid that you thought baka was an endearment?"

"Yes," Shinji replied. "When I said I loved you it didn't mean anything to you? What about the second kiss? I knew you felt something. I felt your response, Asuka! Dammit! You kissed me back! What about the video games? You've never looked so happy in your life! You made me love you more. What about after? When we said 'goodnight'? You blushed and called me baka, but it was the flush--it was that that gave me the clue. You call me baka, not only because I am a baka isn't that right Asuka? It's because I'm your miserable baka. You call me baka because you don't want to say anything else--that that might give you away!"

"You are so stupid, my baka Shinji! You are so stupid! All those happy times the last few days? The kisses, the words of love? The moments, the dinner? You are so fucking stupid, baka! They were all in your imagination!" Asuka screamed at him.

"No!" He shook his head in denial. "No! NO! NO!"

The space around Asuka changed fromm total blackness to a ghostly, greenish gleam as she seemed to fade away.

"Where are going, dammit?" Shinji shouted

Her voice was so soft that he almost didn't hear it, "aww, Shinji--you still don't understand, do you? None of this is real."

The hope he had never felt before surged into his body. None of this was real. None of THIS was real. Asuka did love him. She did love him. She could love him. He wasn't the only one feeling something. He was about to laugh maniacally when he felt himself fall through the black shadow and into the darkness.

He woke up screaming. He immediately felt arms around him. Misato's comforting arms.

He felt the warmth of her arms before he tried to remember anything from the yesterday.

He was left shuddering.

"It's okay, Shinji. It's okay. You don't have to worry anymore," Misato reassured him as she kissed his forehead.

He had never felt so cold in his life.

"Asuka, she's--" Misato was cut off.

Shinji started screaming from the depths of his soul. He didn't want to hear the inevitable.

He didn't want to hear the dreaded words come out. He wanted to continue believing the impossible. ]

"No! No, it's not true. It's not true," he cried out dementedly as he threw his comfoter off of him.

Asuka said nothing, absolutely nothing. Her heart had stopped when he heard the anguish in his voice. Her ear was pressed against the door. Misato was right next to her. The look they shared acknowledged their concern about Shinji. They didn't know how to reach him anymore. The last few days, Shinji had been acting very strangely. He had been having haunting dreams that woke him up shuddering and shivering in the morning.

Pen-pen waddled over from the dining room and touched Asuka's leg with his flipper. "Wuarggg?" [Translation: What happened this time?]

Asuka aimed to kick the penguin away, but he managed to move quickly enough to use Misato as a shield. Pen-pen looked up at Misato and had a questioning look as he pointed to Shinji's door. Misato shrugged and muttered, "how about I get you and me a beer?"

Pen-pen hurried to the kitchen, very enthused by the idea. Misato followed him after glancing over one more time at Asuka.

Asuka carefully knocked on the door. She didn't hear a response to her polite knocking. She waited a few minutes before abruptly opening the door. The scene that met her eyes didn't totally surprise her, but it still shocked her.

Shinji wasn't crying, but tears still trailed down his cheeks. Asuka touched his shoulder, but he move away like he had been burnt. That hurt Asuka deeply.

"Shinji--"asked Asuka, "can I do anything?"

His reply was complete silence. It was unnerving.

She repeated the question: "Shinji, can I do anything?"

Stillness. No reply.

Asuka grabbed Shinji's shoulders in her strong grip and began to shake him with all her strength. "Why won't you speak to me? Why won't you hear me? I want to help you, Shinji!"

The tears stopped.

And his eyes, which had been cast down, opened up wide to meet hers. A strange mixture of emotions were there. She saw he was scared of something; she saw the hopelessness; she saw--she saw the regret.

"What's wrong, Shinji?" Asuka queried in a bright voice.

No answer.

"Why won't you tell me, my baka?" she tried to murmur cheerfully.

He turned his back to her.

That pissed her off. She had been trying everything to help she fumed inside. And this is how he treats me? ME?! Why do I even bother? It's not like he cares that much about me. I'll admit he cares, but he obviously cares more about wallowing up in self-pity thanthan letting me tell him that I know some of what he's going through! I've had awful dreams too. I've had just as much as a crappy life as he has. He's not the only one that has problems. My GOD!!! My mom… Asuka felt tears forming in her eyes, she died too, baka. You're mom isn't the one that died. My mom died too…

Asuka had never felt such intense anger and sadness at one time. And the only one she had to lash out was--was Shinji.

She screamed, "Get over yourself!"

She left his room with her mind in turmoil.

Shinji thought he was finally able to think about what the dream meant; however, he knew he was never that lucky as his inner voice made a guest appearance. Everyone is concerned, Shinji. We care.

Leave me alone.

Wow! You dignify me with an answer! I feel so honored! You wouldn't even give a response to the supposed love of your life! Now, why is it that you speak to me--of all the people outside your room that care? Is my presence reassuring, maybe?

You heard my thoughts. You saw my dreams. You know better than anyone else what I'm going through. Respect my space, Shinji said back tiredly as he resumed a shrimplike position on his bed.

Ouch!

Can you please be quiet?

Don't you have a question for me? His inner voice nagged at him.

What? Why--why would you know what the dreams mean? Do you know? What do they mean?! Shinji demanded.

You will have to find that out on your own. I am only here for you to realize one thing and succeed.

And what is that? What is that? Shinji screamed in his head.

His inner voice did not answer, resorting to the silent treatment Shinji had used on Asuka.

Shinji felt so tired and defeated.

This is like living the nightmare again, he thought.

Author's Note: I know it's gloomy, but you've got to understand depression and instability (which I do very well). I'm also behind. I may take a break for a week after I write Part 10 to think of how long I want to make it. Currently the outline is sitting on about 4 to 5 more parts. As usual reviewing sometimes (mostly) inspires me, thanks especially to Dave, Kyo, Catch22, purplecow, Worldmage (^_~) and the drunkard: Yebisu Beer.

Side Note: I have finished my CardCaptor Sakura series (but I am planning two sequels) so I will devote at least a few weeks of only NGE.

Remember: Reviewing is Doing the Giving to Caring authors Slaving over Working on Writing fanfics!