Title: I Love You, Asuka (10)
Author: Yih
Revised: January 20, 2001
Edit Major: Worldmage
Dedication: To the following Reviewers- Natari-chan, Ahriman, FierySable, Koaru's revenge, Xenon, Mutronborg, Jia-Tien, purplecow, sky mage, Skull_Leader, Narck Daggon, Dave Ziegler, Yebisu Beer, Rhine, Otaku Queen, catch22, Kyo Tetsuei, Scarlet Fiacchi, and cali-chan. (COME ON KEEP REVIEWING, I KNOW I HAVE READERS!!! puppy dog eyes PLEASE…)
Disclaimer: All rights belong to Gainax.
Part 10: Thinking Thoughts
Shinji lay there, staring up at the ceiling. He didn't move; he only thought.
OH NO! He's
going to be deep!!?!! Save us all… save
us all!!!
Shinji didn't have to pretend to ignore his inner voice this time. He didn't even hear the inner voice. He was too caught up in his thoughts. They were whirling in his mind, and he was trying to get some consistency in them. He was trying to straighten them out, so he could begin to contemplate what they meant.
I'm not sure of anything anymore. What is what?
Does Asuka feel anything for me? Or--is it just another illusion of my
imagination? Am I making everything
up? Is she really responding to my
feelings for her with feelings of her own? Am I making all this up to satisfy my emotional connection to her? So I won't feel so--so disappointed with my
miserable existence?
She could feel something, I know it, even if I'm going
crazy. I didn't dream that she
responded to my kiss. She did. I felt something. But it might not have been me she was craving to touch--it was
probably Kaji. And that is something I
don't want to even consider.
Those dreams, that dream--it didn't even seem entirely
coherent. The first one was
overwhelming because of a deep sadness. I felt the tears and heard the loud voice. Whose voice? I don't
really remember. It might have been
me. And then again, it might have been
someone else. It was too blurry. In one second everything seemed to shift
focus.
Suddenly, a dream Asuka was there. And I hope all she said to me was just a
dream. I remember her saying
distinctly, "I never liked you, much less loved you."
And I remembered my crushed heart. I don't remember what I said to her. But I know I said something to cause a
response. But after that, I don't
remember. My head and heart both hurt
when I think about it. It's like I
don't want to remember--remember something important?
Probably because it causes too much pain, Smart One?
I don't know why the dream Asuka hated me. But she hated my guts. She also pitied me. I don't know what kills me more, her hate or her pity. They both drive a knife into my heart.
Straight and True.
And her laugh--if there's one thing I'd like to forget, it's her laugh. It was ugly. It was horrible. It screamed of my worst nightmares. I can still feel the awful reaction I had the first time she expressed her amusement with that terrible laughter; it's all in my memories. It wasn't real. But it was real in my mind.
And then I think about the last few days. I think about how close I've felt to
Asuka. I saw her happy; truly
happy. The two kisses were nice; two
kisses that we both could enjoy. Shinji smiled at the thought.
Now THAT is the way to think!
But there's this nagging feeling that the dream Asuka is right.
Not THIS again.
The real Asuka will never love me, much less care for me. She may not hate me. She may not feel anything for me. There is a distinct possibility that she doesn't like me. I don't want to think that. However, that may very well be the case.
Don't think. Don't think! Whenever you think
like this, everything goes wrong!
"I never liked you, much less loved you! I never liked you, much less loved you! I never liked you, much less loved you! I never liked you, much less loved you!" chanted the imaginary Asuka.
It aches inside to think she doesn't care, that she will never care. But I've got to learn how to accept it. Even if I don't want to. I feel so miserable. Why must I live through this emotional turmoil? Isn't the physical hardship enough, God? Isn't the torture you put on the world around me enough? Why must I feel the defeat that you put into my life every single second? I'm not a bad person! I'm not a bad person! Do you hear me up there? Do you hear me?!!?
God always answers in His own time.
Asuka slid the door to Shinji's room open, not even bothering to knock. She had managed to control her earlier anger and thought calmly, I will try to be understanding. I promise I won't scream at him. At least, I won't scream at him unless he decides to become that pathetic little boy again.
Shinji rolled over onto his side as he heard the her unmistakable walk; he really didn't want to argue with Asuka again. He was tired, sad, and defeated. He just wanted to be left alone.
Asuka was infuriated by his body movement and, try as she might, she couldn't keep the anger out of her voice as she screamed, "get up! Get up, Shinji!"
He didn't respond.
That only prompted Asuka to shove him to the floor.
He didn't move. He lay on the floor as still as a dead fish.
"We're going on our first date. You're taking me to that German restaurant--RIGHT NOW!"
Shinji looked at her with haunted, glazed-over eyes. Slowly they began to focus on her face. "You're not joking?" he croaked.
She smiled with relief. "Does it look like I'm joking?"
"I really don't know what you'll do when," Shinji replied resignedly. "It doesn't matter anyways. I'm tired. Please go."
Asuka was just as mad at Shinji's tone of voice as she was over his rejection of her. She screamed, "I'm sick and tired of you! Get up! And you are going to take me out! I don't care if you DIE the NEXT DAY. You are GOING to take me OUT!!! Do you understand me?!!?!"
"No, I'm not."
"Yes, you are! I'm sick of you pitying yourself. It's time you got over yourself!" she shrieked.
Shinji sighed deepily as he tried to control the cruel thoughts, the horrifying nightmares, and the hopelessness of his misery. He managed not to say one word of his feelings over Asuka's treatment of him. He felt immense relief as she gave up staring at his pitiful body and started to leave.
Tell her how you feel. It will help her understand.
It would piss her off, Shinji replied half-heartedly
as he sat up.
I know what you're thinking, but she DOESN'T, no
matter how hard she tries. And you
might have missed her caring look. Yes,
her caring look. But I saw it. She's TRYING. She really wants to help you. But she doesn't know how. She's
not the reachy outty person, ya know. And still she invited you out on a frickin' date and you rejected
her. Do you understand that that may
very well be the last time she ever speaks to you? You're not the only one feeling bad; that girl has lots of
pride. You can see it with every breath
she takes! And you crushed it; smacked
it down to the ground. And you didn't
even explain WHY. Geez, I don't even
think I understand you anymore.
Does it matter?
I am supposed to understand all. I am a higher being.
Don't give me that crap. Leave me alone.
You're scared she might reject you. I'm right, aren't I?
No response.
You can't ever have a person love you unless you're willing to face rejection.
What would you know? You've been in my mind for 14 years!
Chicken's anus.
"Asuka?"
There you go. Keep talking. She's almost out the door--almost out of your reach. Don't let her go. You need her--almost as much as she needs you.
She turned around.
Oh yeah! Oh
yeah! Slam dunk for Shinji!
"I'm sorry."
Geez, she's gonna blast him.
She blinked. "Don't be sorry. Tell me what's wrong."
Damn, Shinji! That was way better than what I expected from the likes of her. I mean, usually she just blasts at you, at me. She even scares me in her BESERK mode. You also scare me in that mode. Don't go freaky on me right know, okay? You've got the girl, Shinji.
Shinji had been ignoring the voice for the past few
seconds. Or, at least, he tried
to. It seemed whenever he actually talked
to the voice, time slowed down.
Haven't I told you, YOU CAN'T IGNORE ME!!!! And the explanation to that is because my thoughts coincide yours, so when you hear me as I think and I hear you when you think. Cool, huh?
Shinji wanted to roll his eyes, but instead gulped nervously as he finally admitted to Asuka, "I think--I think it's just worthless."
Where did this come from?
There was a remarkably blank look on Asuka's face. "What?"
Yeah, WHAT?
"Pursuing you and me."
Dumbo.
"Why? Why do you
think that?" Asuka demanded.
Shinji was taken by surprise that she wasn't pulverizing him
or screaming at him. That fact also
startled his inner voice. I guess
she doesn't hate you as you seem to think.
"Because--because it's too hard. You always reject me. You even reject me in my sleep. My dreams--my nightmares, they mean something. First, you weren't there for some reason. And then, you were there telling me, screaming at me that all those moments we just had that were so happy--they didn't mean anything. I can't take real rejection. I can't take rejections when I'm asleep. It feels like I'm going nuts. I can't tell what's what. And--and in the nightmare, you told me--you told me, 'I never liked you, much less loved you.'
"The only thing I want in this world is you, Asuka. Is that too much to ask? And the only thing--I UNDERSTAND: is this… you mean everything to me, but you obviously don't care or like me enough. So please stop this teasing game of yours--I can't handle it."
Asuka stood there, slowly soaking up his words. She had never thought he'd just drop it. It had never occurred to her that he'd give her up because he couldn't handle it. She didn't want him to do that. She hesitated before exclaiming, "I--I do like you enough."
Shinji had never thought she would say that. He was almost wished she would slap him, so he knew he wasn't dreaming. He felt his legs go numb. Actually, he felt his whole body go numb.
Go Shinji! Go
Shinji! You gotta lil confession out of
her! My recommendations have really
been working. You can start paying me
back by going to that German restaurant and ordering me a delectable dessert,
got it? I'd really like chocolate
mousse, actually anything chocolate would be good.
You didn't really do anything.
I didn't do anything? I am the reason you even got her to say 'I--I do like you enough', so don't give me your mumbo jumbo about me not helping you out. After all, it's my job, the inner voice stated.
It is? So when you accomplish it, will you leave me alone?
I've always been here and why the hell would I want to go back to being a dormant personality? It's lonely in your mind. And you've got AWFUL musical taste.
Shinji gave Asuka a small smile as he mentally beat up on his inner voice. "How about I take you out?"
"I'm going to make you pay," Asuka remarked with a slightly sinister grin.
And Shinji knew Misato was going to kill him as he grabbed her credit card. Asuka proceeded to pull him out of the apartment.
Misato and Pen-pen watched two blurred images pass before them before drinking another mouthful of beer. Misato finally managed to recognize the flash of silver and mumbled, "was that a credit card?"
Pen-pen nodded as he plopped his body on the table.
"THAT WAS MY CREDIT CARD?"
No need to be that loud, baby. I can hear you just fine, Pen-pen moaned in his mind. I'm not dead. I'm--I'm just--just really drunk.
Soliloquy & Tribute to Pen-pen
I may be Shinji's inner voice
(IV), but it's pretty obvious I'm not as much of a chicken as he is. Nor am I nearly as much introverted as he
is. I'm extroverted, REALLY
extroverted. I talk a lot; I can't seem
to stop talking. It's not like I can
help it; it's just my personality. How
I got to be so much different from Shinji, I really don't know. Okay, why do I talk so much? I know it gets annoying, but I like hearing
what Shinji thinks of my thoughts. I
mean his thoughts--I mean my thoughts, our thoughts. Ya, our thoughts. I got
that down, let's move right on with more reasons why me, his IV is much cooler
than Shinji. I'm not a chicken's anus
or ass. OKAY! I'll admit I'm must as scared of Asuka as Shinji is. But Asuka is damn right scary when she gets
pissed because she acts pissy! I
believe that sort of fear is justifiable in even a boy like Shinji. Another thing is: Shinji stinks with his
preferences in the OPPOSITE sex. I
still don't get why he's attracted to Asuka or even Ayanami Rei for the
matter. I just don't get why he's so
attracted to those two fellow pilots of his. There's really nothing that spectacular about them. I mean sure, Asuka's gorgeous and Rei's got
that motherly look. It's nothing to go
all goo-goo over. Not that I can relate
to his sexual drive or urge feelings. I
AM A HIGHER BEING. I'm above physical
sensation. YES, I know I don't have a
physical body--so how can I feel? Well
I'm an IV, key word is "inner". Shinji
feels; I feel. My emotional tug-of-war
with Shinji gets me just as depressed as he is. I'd rather be in his mind than Asuka or Rei, though. Asuka SUPPRESSES too much, and she's got
really deep problems I certainly don't wanna suffer through. Rei, she FREAKS me out. And, like I said before, he likes the messed
up chicks for no good reason. Looks
aren't everything. Well, they are to
guys, but Shinji should be above that. And if he's got to be taken by a CHICK, at least he should get the babe. The babe is absolutely, without a doubt:
Misato. I can understand liking,
admiring, salivating, obsessing, or even loving her. She's relatively normal, if there is a normal. And man, I envy that penguin. That Pen-pen's got everything. The flashy red eyebrows, the high alcohol
intake, the FABULOUS babe, the specially-made tux, and--and he's got those
wings that don't fly. I WANT those
wings. But NO! I got to be stuck in Ikari Shinji's mind
without any look at all, without any clothes, and without those cool flightless
wings! Anyway, back to the point:
nothing fazes that pen-guiny dude. He's
the funniest little guy I've ever seen. I think Pen-pen's got the whole package. I'd love to be inside his mind because I believe that he might be
having the most fun in this screwy world. And that's saying something.
Author's Note: Now, since I MAY (I might though) NOT get Part 11 out on time (it may take 2 or 3 weeks), I've written a bonus scene (obviously Shinji's IV's soliloquy). It adds up to 2,500+, so it's a thorough read. I'm really sorry, but SATs are coming up and I won't get my Friday and Saturday writing time. The only reason I've been relatively on schedule with ILYA is because Christmas helped me be two Parts ahead in the beginning of January; it's gradually dwindle down that I'm now writing the Part I'm going to post the weekend before (use to be two weekends ahead) grrrrrrrrrrrr. Partly my fault, but this part explains a lot. Enjoy.
Side Note: If you like the soliloquy, that's how my new series will sort of be like. ^_^ (humorous).
Remember: Reviewing is Doing the Giving to Caring authors Slaving over Working on Writing fanfics!
