Title: I Love You, Asuka (15)

Title:  I Love You, Asuka (15)

Author:  Yih

Edit Major:  Worldmage

Written: April 2001

Dedication:  Sandrock, Nani The Realms, AngelTears, Lin-Lin, Lime-chan, Kal-el, catch22, Peter jenkins, TorankusuGohan, Gary Milburn, R.K., purplecow, 'Tut Nix Zur Sache, eric101, Mangus, sky mage, Shinigami 2.0, OrgunZ, Rhine, Kyo Tetsuei, Pandora Souris-Cadavre, and Epyon Zero. 

Disclaimer:  All rights are Gainax except ACC- Shinji's IV. 

I'm so FUCKING frustrated and I don't know what the FUCKING SHIT is wrong with the format. 

Part 15: Angel Attack

"It's Arael!" exclaimed Maya with a surprised voice.   
"That can't be right!  It must be a similar Angel," Ritsuko said firmly.  "Check all the instrumental readings again.  You know every Angel that we've encountered has been different so far.  I'd like an accurate report this time, okay?" 

"Yes, sempai," responded Maya. 

The MAGI were still processing the last bit of its analyzation.  She checked through all the computer data showing on her screen.  She flipped to various opened programs, scanning the available data.  She blinked several times as she read the final report from the computer. 

"This Angel's pattern happens to be a perfect match for Arael.  The MAGI have even identified it as 'Arael'.  There's no doubt in the MAGI's mind that it's Arael, sempai," Maya announced. 

"That's not possible," Ritsuko said.  "Rei destroyed Arael with the 'Lance of Longius.'  But when?  I remember that it happened, but how do I know this?  I don't even know what other pilot's evangelion was involved.  Who was involved?"

Misato squeezed her eyes shut, trying to think back to that day.  "I don't know either.  I have this day formed in my head, but there is not an actual sense of being there.  It's just--it's--"

"Just knowledge?  Something you just know," murmured Ritsuko in awe.  "But why would we know this?  And do we still have the Lance of Longius then?  Is it possible that we all have a sense of forewarning that this is going to occur?" 

"I just checked the data files for weapon holding," said Maya.  "It says that the Lance of Longius was misplaced or rather that it's missing.  That's strange.  Nothing else seems wrong." 

"This has to be a joke," grumbled Asuka.  "Why would we get a warning about an Angel attack?  I don't remember 'Arael.'  And whatever it was,  Rei could never have destroyed it alone.  Wondergirl isn't capable of it.  She still has the worst harmonics ratio.  She always has." 

"I destroyed it, though," whispered Rei softly.  "I saved you." 

"Saved me?  Why would you have to save me?  I wouldn't let you save me!" Asuka cried out. 

"I remember that day…"  Shinji's voice trailed off. 

I remember that day only too well.  But how can Asuka not remember?  Is it painful that she couldn't remember that Rei had to s--but how do I know this?  When I try to remember why Rei had to save Asuka, it becomes all blurry.  Like it hurts me to remember. I wonder if anyone is feeling as I feel.  Why won't the memories come to me!  Why?!

Becareful, Shinji.  They will come, his inner voice warned him. 

Shinji felt his body stiffening up inside of him, as if something horrible was going to happen.  Yet everything outside of his tensed up body was sweetly calm.  He heard the slight buzzing sound of the MAGI; he saw the thoughtful expressions on the others' faces.  He was aware that the blood was no longer churning to his heart in a peaceful manner, but in a quickening roar that deafened his ears to any other noise. 

He knew what he had to do. 

"Someone needs to be out there.  Since Rei seems to have been so successful with Arael from our memories, maybe we should send her out," suggested Misato. 

"That's a good idea; she did defeat Arael.  We just need to use the Lance of Longius, but for some reason we don't seem to have it.  Although the MAGI have shown we did have the Lance of Longius in our possession five days ago.  It must have been misplaced rather then just missing then," Ritsuko said thoughtfully.  "But still, since Arael has suddenly popped up for a second time, that means we have to stall it while we find the Lance.

"Rei, ready?"

Rei nodded. 

"No!" Shinji yelled.  "I'm going.  I'm the one that has to do this.  I need to do this." 

While Misato only seem vaguely amused, Ritsuko was astonished by Shinji's offer to fight the Angel.  Rei's eyes widened slightly, and Maya stopped typing to turn around and make sure that it was really Shinji saying it.  Asuka's expression was etched with worry for Shinji. 

"Okay," Ritsuko murmured.  "Then why don't you get into the entry plug?" 

"Sure," Shinji answered, throwing her a small smile.  "Asuka?"  He waited for her to look at him.  "I love you." 

She stared at him for a long second before turning around and walking away.  Nothing she had done before hurt him as much as that simple movement.  Shinji didn't understand why she would do that.  He thought she would be happy that he was finally not running away from the problems in his life, that he was finally willing to accept his responsibilities to her and to himself. 

"It's hard for her, Shinji," Misato said comfortingly, breaking the awkward silence. 

Shinji said nothing.  He stared after the retreating silhouette of his beloved. 

"She doesn't mean what she's doing.  She's probably all shaken up because she doesn't remember fighting Arael.  And you know how hard failure is for her.  You should know," Misato finished lamely. 

"I know." 

Ritsuko tapped Shinji on the shoulder.  "You should be going now." 

"Yes, I should be going now." 

"Good luck," Ritsuko whispered. 

"Thanks." 

"Shinji?" asked Misato.  "You don't have to do this alone.  I can send Rei out with you." 

"No, I'm going to do this by myself," Shinji replied firmly.  "I have to do this.  I think this is my answer." 

"Alright," Misato finally responded.  "But be careful, okay?" 

"Anything you say, Misato.  Anything you say," Shinji said simply.  

Misato gave Shinji the signal to engage in battle.  Shinji was as ready as he'd ever been for an upcoming battle.  He easily moved his Eva into a good launching position right below Arael.  His Eva looked up at the Angel with a terrible red glint in her eyes.  Misato held her breath as she watched her screen.  Then suddenly she knew that something bad was going to happen--something very bad. 

She opened her mouth to warn Shinji, but it was too late.  She could only stare, mesmerized by the pysbeam that surrounded the Eva.  Arael had Shinji in its grasp and there was nothing anyone could do. 

Misato gasped as she saw Shinji's Eva slowly disappear Arael's body.  She then heard another choking noise and knew that it was Asuka.  She had come back, probably to just watch and see if Shinji would succeed.  But no one had imagined that this would happen. 

Misato turned around and saw Asuka behind her.  Asuka's face unbearable to watch as the tears flowed freely down her pale cheeks.  She stood there, just watching for long moments.  Then she finally spoke and said, "he's going to die, isn't he?" 

"No, don't think that.  Shinji is tougher than anyone knows," Misato answered comfortingly.  "If anybody will make it through this living nightmare, it's him.  He's got more guts than any one of us.  Asuka, do you hear me?  He's not going to die." 

I'm going to die. 

I'm going to die inside this Angel, Shinji thought.  I thought this was the answer to my problems.  But I was wrong--very wrong.  It's only the end of all things.  Is that the solution that you wished me to find, God?  Was Asuka right, was it all just a punishment?  Do the Angels just exist as your weapons against our ultimate destruction?  It must be that… what else could it be? 

It's an answer. 

What kind of answer is this!?  Shinji wanted to blast his frustration, his pain, his anger, his turmoil, his bitterness, his agony at this creature that was going to kill him.  Who are you!  Tell me!  And you can't tell me you're MY inner voice anymore, you aren't him, you aren't me.  You don't even sound all screwed up like he was--like I was!  Who are you!

Me?  I'm Arael. 

Don't give me that crap!  It's not true.  An Angel would never talk to me.  Why would it?  I exist to destroy you!  Don't you understand that if you don't kill me I will kill you!  But you probably know that don't you--it's all a game to you.  Don't you understand that THIS isn't what I want in life?

Yes, I know. 

HOW?  Explain to me, HOW?

I've been with you since the beginning.  And I know everything that you yearn for internally.  Things—wishes, really.  I know who you are inside.  I know everything about you.  And I have the answer to all your problems. 

What would that be?  Shinji's mind was oozing with pessimism. 

You should accept that what you want will never be. 

NO!  I won't accept this!  IS this what you did to Asuka last time?  Last time? Shinji asked himself.  What last time?  Why can't I remember anything except for the last few days?  Why do I know Asuka has been in this situation, but I can't remember the details of how she was here? 

Because you don't wish to remember. 

Why does everyone remember you have appeared except Asuka?  Answer me that!

Because it was traumatic for her.

What did you do to her, you--you BASTARD! Don't you remember the hospital? 

Why should I remember that?  That was all a dream!  A Stupid Unrealistic Dream!  Asuka would never be in there like that!  She's too strong to ever fail, and I was stupid to think I could defeat you.  Whatever you are doing to me it's what you did to her, right? 

Wrong.

Did you plant those dreams in my mind to confuse me?  So that I may have doubts whether or not to kill you because--because you would know I wanted answers?  Is this all a scheme so you can kill me?  Lure poor Shinji to his death?  Answer me!  What do those dreams mean?  I know you know because you planted them in my mind!  You made me dream those!  It's not coincidence that you appeared only a few days after those dreams began,, so tell me what do they mean!  Where they only a plan to deceive me and make me confused so it would be easier to break me down? 

No, I didn't do anything.  It was you. 

"SHINJI!!!" screamed Misato.  "Get out of there!  Something is showing up on the monitor behind Arael, get away from there!  It looks like a vortex.  Do you understand me?  GET AWAY RIGHT NOW!   SHINJI?!!?  Do you hear me?  GET OUT OF THERE!!!" 

Ritsuko's hands were shaking as Maya asked, "sempai, what should we do?" 

"We cannot do anything." 

"SHINJI!!!" warned Misato. 

Asuka knelt down next to Misato and put her head into Misato's lap.  Tears streamed down her face, forming small streams that trickled down the planes of her face onto Misato's legs.  Misato stopped yelling to gaze down at Asuka with pained eyes.  She held Asuka tightly to her as the young girl wept silently. 

"It will be okay Asuka.  He'll be--be--okay," choked out Misato. 

Asuka lifted up her face and stared at the place on the screen that Eva-01 had just been before disappearing totally with Arael into an unknown realm.  She slowly stood up and walked a few steps closer to the monitor--her last glimpse of Shinji. 

"I love you, Ikari Shinji."   

Author's Note:

"In My Letter"  4-19-2001

in my letter to the world,

i will try to find my mold.

while the sun will not set,

and love—i've never met.

in the madness that is me,

there is a steady peace.

so the moon is hardly full,

or men—having only to be cruel.

in the horror that is me,

an inner beauty is what i see.

someone is calling—He is Shouting.

my letter is falling—to a ground that isn't Cracking!