Shinji felt his body stiffening up inside of him, as if
something horrible was going to happen.
Yet everything outside of his tensed up body was sweetly calm. He heard the slight buzzing sound of the
MAGI; he saw the thoughtful expressions on the others' faces. He was aware that the blood was no longer
churning to his heart in a peaceful manner, but in a quickening roar that
deafened his ears to any other noise.
He knew what he had to do.
"Someone needs to be out there. Since Rei seems to have been so successful with Arael from our
memories, maybe we should send her out," suggested Misato.
"That's a good idea; she did defeat Arael. We just need to use the Lance of Longius,
but for some reason we don't seem to have it.
Although the MAGI have shown we did have the Lance of Longius in our
possession five days ago. It must have
been misplaced rather then just missing then," Ritsuko said thoughtfully. "But still, since Arael has suddenly popped
up for a second time, that means we have to stall it while we find the Lance.
"Rei, ready?"
Rei nodded.
"No!" Shinji yelled.
"I'm going. I'm the one that has
to do this. I need to do this."
While Misato only seem vaguely amused, Ritsuko was astonished
by Shinji's offer to fight the Angel.
Rei's eyes widened slightly, and Maya stopped typing to turn around and
make sure that it was really Shinji saying it.
Asuka's expression was etched with worry for Shinji.
"Okay," Ritsuko murmured.
"Then why don't you get into the entry plug?"
"Sure," Shinji answered, throwing her a small smile. "Asuka?"
He waited for her to look at him.
"I love you."
She stared at him for a long second before turning around
and walking away. Nothing she had done
before hurt him as much as that simple movement. Shinji didn't understand why she would do that. He thought she would be happy that he was
finally not running away from the problems in his life, that he was finally
willing to accept his responsibilities to her and to himself.
"It's hard for her, Shinji," Misato said comfortingly,
breaking the awkward silence.
Shinji said nothing.
He stared after the retreating silhouette of his beloved.
"She doesn't mean what she's doing. She's probably all shaken up because she
doesn't remember fighting Arael. And
you know how hard failure is for her.
You should know," Misato finished lamely.
"I know."
Ritsuko tapped Shinji on the shoulder. "You should be going now."
"Yes, I should be going now."
"Good luck," Ritsuko whispered.
"Thanks."
"Shinji?" asked Misato.
"You don't have to do this alone.
I can send Rei out with you."
"No, I'm going to do this by myself," Shinji replied
firmly. "I have to do this. I think this is my answer."
"Alright," Misato finally responded. "But be careful, okay?"
"Anything you say, Misato.
Anything you say," Shinji said simply.
Misato gave Shinji the signal to engage in battle. Shinji was as ready as he'd ever been for an
upcoming battle. He easily moved his
Eva into a good launching position right below Arael. His Eva looked up at the Angel with a terrible red glint in her
eyes. Misato held her breath as she
watched her screen. Then suddenly she
knew that something bad was going to happen--something very bad.
She opened her mouth to warn Shinji, but it was too
late. She could only stare, mesmerized
by the pysbeam that surrounded the Eva.
Arael had Shinji in its grasp and there was nothing anyone could
do.
Misato gasped as she saw Shinji's Eva slowly disappear
Arael's body. She then heard another
choking noise and knew that it was Asuka.
She had come back, probably to just watch and see if Shinji would
succeed. But no one had imagined that
this would happen.
Misato turned around and saw Asuka behind her. Asuka's face unbearable to watch as the
tears flowed freely down her pale cheeks.
She stood there, just watching for long moments. Then she finally spoke and said, "he's going
to die, isn't he?"
"No, don't think that.
Shinji is tougher than anyone knows," Misato answered comfortingly. "If anybody will make it through this living
nightmare, it's him. He's got more guts
than any one of us. Asuka, do you hear
me? He's not going to die."
I'm going to die.
I'm going to die inside this Angel, Shinji thought. I thought this was the answer to my
problems. But I was wrong--very
wrong. It's only the end of all
things. Is that the solution that you
wished me to find, God? Was Asuka
right, was it all just a punishment? Do
the Angels just exist as your weapons against our ultimate destruction? It must be that… what else could it be?
It's an answer.
What kind of answer is this!? Shinji wanted to blast his frustration, his pain, his anger, his
turmoil, his bitterness, his agony at this creature that was going to kill
him. Who are you! Tell me!
And you can't tell me you're MY inner voice anymore, you aren't him, you
aren't me. You don't even sound all screwed
up like he was--like I was! Who are
you!
Me? I'm
Arael.
Don't give me that crap!
It's not true. An Angel would
never talk to me. Why would it? I exist to destroy you! Don't you understand that if you don't kill
me I will kill you! But you probably
know that don't you--it's all a game to you.
Don't you understand that THIS isn't what I want in life?
Yes, I know.
HOW? Explain to
me, HOW?
I've been with you since the beginning. And I know everything that you yearn for
internally. Things—wishes, really. I know who you are inside. I know everything about you. And I have the answer to all your
problems.
What would that be?
Shinji's mind was oozing with pessimism.
You should accept that what you want will never be.
NO! I won't
accept this! IS this what you did to Asuka
last time? Last time? Shinji asked
himself. What last time? Why can't I remember anything except for the
last few days? Why do I know Asuka has
been in this situation, but I can't remember the details of how she was
here?
Because you don't wish to remember.
Why does everyone remember you have appeared except Asuka? Answer me that!
Because it was traumatic for her.
What did you do to her, you--you BASTARD!
Don't you remember the hospital?
Why should I remember that? That was all a dream! A Stupid
Unrealistic Dream! Asuka would never be
in there like that! She's too strong to
ever fail, and I was stupid to think I could defeat you. Whatever you are doing to me it's what you
did to her, right?
Wrong.
Did you plant those dreams in my mind to confuse me? So that I may have doubts whether or not to
kill you because--because you would know I wanted answers? Is this all a scheme so you can kill me? Lure poor Shinji to his death? Answer me!
What do those dreams mean? I
know you know because you planted them in my mind! You made me dream those!
It's not coincidence that you appeared only a few days after those
dreams began,, so tell me what do they mean!
Where they only a plan to deceive me and make me confused so it would be
easier to break me down?
No, I didn't do anything. It was you.
"SHINJI!!!" screamed Misato. "Get out of there!
Something is showing up on the monitor behind Arael, get away from
there! It looks like a vortex. Do you understand me? GET AWAY RIGHT NOW! SHINJI?!!?
Do you hear me? GET OUT OF
THERE!!!"
Ritsuko's hands were shaking as Maya asked, "sempai, what
should we do?"
"We cannot do anything."
"SHINJI!!!" warned Misato.
Asuka knelt down next to Misato and put her head into
Misato's lap. Tears streamed down her
face, forming small streams that trickled down the planes of her face onto
Misato's legs. Misato stopped yelling
to gaze down at Asuka with pained eyes.
She held Asuka tightly to her as the young girl wept silently.
"It will be okay Asuka.
He'll be--be--okay," choked out Misato.
Asuka lifted up her face and stared at the place on the
screen that Eva-01 had just been before disappearing totally with Arael into an
unknown realm. She slowly stood up and
walked a few steps closer to the monitor--her last glimpse of Shinji.
"I love you, Ikari Shinji."
Author's Note:
"In My Letter"
4-19-2001
in my letter to the world,
i will try to find my mold.
while the sun will not set,
and love—i've never met.
in the madness that is me,
there is a steady peace.
so the moon is hardly full,
or men—having only to be cruel.
in the horror that is me,
an inner beauty is what i see.
someone is calling—He is Shouting.
my letter is falling—to a ground that isn't Cracking!