Title: I Love You, Asuka (16)

Title:  I Love You, Asuka (16)

Author:  Yih

Written:  May 2001

Dedication:  To catch22 (I'd suggest emailing him if you don't understand what is going on)

Disclaimer:  All rights are Gainax. 

REVIEW!!! Next part will hopefully be posted in 2 weeks!

Part 16: The Angry and the Sick

"He is here," exclaimed a sharp voice, Asuka's familiar voice.  He had heard it often before: screaming, cursing, and commanding him.     

"Are you okay, Shinji?" asked a softer, kinder voice--though it was still Asuka's.  This was a tone that had never found his eardrums before.  He was almost not sure if it was really Asuka.  But his intuition pointed the voice to be hers, even though it sounded unlike her. 

He tried to open his eyes, but it distressed them to do so in the vibrant light.  It took him several patient minutes of trying to adjust his eyes before he could force them to open.   He finally managed to focus his eyes to look at the face of his beloved.  He reached to touch her; however, his hand fell short of actually touching her.  She took his hand and rested it against her cheek, instead.  It was then that he saw the other Asuka several feet away from the pale Asuka who held his hand. 

"Who are you?" he asked hoarsely. 

"I am Asuka; she is Asuka," answered the pale Asuka. 

"She would like to believe she is me," muttered the bright Asuka.  "But if you can't see, we are as different as we can be." 

"Which is the real one?"

"We are both real," replied the pale Asuka. 

"I am the real one.  She is too weak to be me," retorted the bright Asuka.  "She wants to be me though.  Who doesn't?" 

"Is this a dream then?" 

"You could say that, my Shinji.  You could say that.  You are trapped somewhere that isn't reality nor is it fantasy," the pale one said kindly. 

"Why am I here?" 

"Because you are a baka," the bright one said tersely.  "It's all your fault we are here." 

His eyes had finally adjusted into the ethereal light, and he saw that there was nothing underneath him, over him, or around him.  Instead it was just light and nothingness.  He focus his gaze to study the two Asuka's that stood before him.  The bright one was beautiful, radiant, and confident.  He knew her well.  He had seen her before in the first dream that Asuka had appeared in.  Then she had been enraged at him for some reason; he had recognized her as Asuka because she was the Asuka he had always seen.  That was the Asuka he knew so well.  But the pale one looked like Asuka to a degree, but seemed weaker than what he had perceived Asuka to be.  She seemed to fragile to be the Asuka he knew.  He withdrew his hand from the pale one's grasp, and squeezed her hand reassuringly.  He shakily stood up as she watched him with careful eyes. 

"He's not a baka," the pale one murmured. 

"You would think so!" screamed the bright one.  "You have awful tastes!" 

"You know you feel the same as I do." 

"I do not!  He means nothing to me!  He's just there!  He means nothing to me!" 

"You said, 'he means nothing to me' twice.  You're trying to convince yourself, but it isn't working.  We both know he means something to us." 

"I don't want him!  He's so weak and pathetic!  He needs me, but I don't want him!  He's nothing more than a boy that is infatuated by my beauty!  But he doesn't seem to realize how much I hate him!" cried out the bright one with passion in her voice.  "He thinks that 'baka' is an endearment!  If that isn't stupidity and obsession, what is?  I don't need him; I don't want him!  I just want him to leave me alone!  He doesn't mean anything to me!" 

"We both know we've been denying what he means to us.  Both of us for different reasons." 

"I am not denying anything!  I hate him!  He's the cause of all my problems and my failures!  If it wasn't for him, I wouldn't feel as I do now!  I'm helpless here, trapped here because--because of him!" 

"You know it was because of us." 

"What did I do?" he asked. 

The bright one shot him a look that could have burned the ground beneath his feet if there had been anything to set aflame.  "You were the one that caused my violent emotions!  You were the sole reason I fell into such a state of failure!  It was all your fault!  And you're asking me, 'what did I do?'  You ruined my life, Shinji!  You destroyed everything that had meaning in my life!" 

"She doesn't mean it," the pale one added.  "We put to much emphasis on things that weren't really all that meaningful.  We ignored the thing that was."  She gave him a telling look before turning away. 

"I meant every word I said.  He ruined my life!" the bright one screamed. 

"I'll admit he was part of it," the pale one finally said. 

"You see!  Even she agrees with me!" 

"What did I do?" he repeated. 

The bright one had burning eyes aim at him menacingly.  The pale one answered, "you started getting higher synch ratios than us." 

I still remember the look on Asuka's face the first time Ritsuko informed us that my ratio was higher than Asuka's.  She smirked at me and told me that it must have been a fluke, and that I caught her on a bad day.  But when it started to get… consistent, she began to become erratic.  So was I really the cause of all this?  Was it my fault that she's--she's in the hospital? 

Hospital!  What hospital?  Why does it hurt to think of that word… I had a dream that Asuka was in the hospital, it seems almost real.  Why can't I distinguish my dreams from reality?  Why don't I know?  It hurts to think back more than five days ago.  It must have started then, that's why it's so painful to think farther than that.  What happened five days ago? 

"He's remembering," the pale one commented. 

"It's about time he understood what he did to me," the bright one replied curtly. 

"Why does the hospital part of the dream keep coming back to me?" he inquired. 

The bright one's eyes widen with disbelief, and it wasn't long before she snickered at him.  That scornful laugh turn into a full blast of amusement as tears began to stream down her face at whatever was funny that he had just spoken.  He was beyond confused at that point.  He didn't know what was so hilarious, but he'd like to find out why.  He sent a questioning look at the pale one, who was sighing with disappointment. 

"You really don't know?" the pale one asked.  

"No," he said miserably. 

"Try to remember." 

"It hurts to remember." 

"Everything that is filled with sadness causes pain when the person remembers," she murmured kindly. 

"You're too nice to be Asuka," he commented. 

"That's what I've been trying to tell you!" cried out the bright one.  "She's not me!" 

The pale one glared at the bright one before moving all of her attentions to Shinji.  "I know it's hard," she responded.   "But if you remember, everything will be all right in the end.  Trust me." 

He wanted to trust her.  But if even trying to remember was this painful, what happened when he actually remembered everything?  Would it be more than he could bear?  He shuddered at the thought.  He let her soothing voice calm his nerves, and he listened to exactly what she told him to do.  Closing his eyes tightly, he struggled to remember what had happened before five days ago. 

Asuka's fighting Arael, and--and she's losing! 

His heart was in his throat as he saw Asuka tried to get away from Arael but couldn't.  He didn't know how much he loved her until he saw Rei free Asuka with the Lance of Longius.  He knew then what his feelings for her truly were.  Now, all he had to do was try to confess them to her.  He knew it wasn't going to be easy.  Nothing ever was in the regards to the second children. 

When she came out from the Arael attack… she wasn't the Asuka Shinji knew so well and loved.  She was broken and defeated--and he still loved her.  He just didn't know how to confront her.  So he stayed in the background and watched the problem worsen.  It wasn't long before she ran away to her best friend, Hikari, and he barely saw her.  But he never stopped missing her or loving her. 

He didn't exactly know why, but somehow Misato had shielded when from the information of how Asuka had managed to run away and commit suicide.  She fell just short of the deed.  Now, she laid comatose in the best hospital there was--NERV's.  She laid in the hospital--comatose.  She was in the hospital, dying; and he was here, nowhere.  He needed to get to her; he needed to tell her how he felt. 

He remembered the moment only too well.  He saw himself in the room so clearly as if it were yesterday.  He felt like he was still in the room where he had watched the line on the heart monitor stop zig-zagging to a straight line of eternity.  He could still hear the noise of the shuffling feet of the doctors and nurses entering the room, shoving him out before he could summon up the courage to tell Asuka how he truly felt.  It was the moment he regretted the most in his life. 

The car ride home had seemed to take hours, and Misato's reassuring had only made the realization that Asuka was going to die even more real.  His mind closed on the feverish chant, "she might be dead.  She might be dead.  She might be dead.  And I never got to tell her… I love her.  I love her.  I admit it.  I don't only like her.  I don't only think she's beautiful.  I love her.  Only her. For always." 

Tears streamed down his face as he remembered that last coherent thought that he felt a pain quite like he had never felt before descend upon him with the fury of Nemesis.  He knew he had tried to deny reality, and there was no way to do so.  It would eventually come out, and now that it had finally been released, he felt worse than he ever had before.  It was worse than any of Asuka's rejections, even combined.  He'd rather have her alive, hating him than dead, loving him. 

"He remembers," the bright one bitterly muttered.  "He looks so heartbroken; and I'm the one in the hospital.  He hasn't been through half the pain I've been through!" 

"I know I haven't experience your pain.  I'm still sorry," Shinji said as soon as he was able to find his voice.  "I'm so sorry." 

"There he goes with his apologizing, again!  If there's one thing that really irritates me is you groveling at my feet like a stupid dog!" she shouted. 

"I'm sorry," he responded for the lack of something better. 

"Bye, Shinji," said the pale one sadly. 

Bye?  He thought disappointedly.  I want to know her.  Maybe then I would understand her as well as she understands me.  Its like she knows me better than I know myself.  She knows what I need.  She doesn't act very much like the Asuka I knew.  She seems unsure of herself, kind of like me.  It's strange that someone that looks like Asuka would act like me.  One thing that reminds me about Asuka is that she seems weak, but not yet defeated.  Sad, yet not overwhelmed by it… if only she was Asuka.  But no matter what, I know I love her.  I even love the volatile Asuka. 

"I don't want to leave you," he cried out desperately. 

"You have no choice," she told him. 

"I love you." 

She smiled then; and it was a smile that he would never forget. 

Author's Note:  If anything, I'd suggest going back and rereading the story from the very beginning.  Everything means something and if anything… this story is packed with tiny details that become very important in the end.  If you can't tell all that "has" happened the last 5 days is really a "dream sequence" and Shinji's "dreams" were reality and his "dreams within dreams" was his conscious trying to fight its way back to reality.  The two Asukas are symbols, if you can crack it you'll bring a smile on my face.  If not all will be revealed when I release a "cheat sheet" of symbolism and foreshadowing when I finished ILYA.  Never thought this story would turn out something so sinisterly English-like right?  I can even explain why I suddenly went extremely OOC, but I'd rather have you read the whole thing and TRY TO THINK, this story isn't about enjoying it, it's about "provoking thought."  If you want a sit down good read, wait for the tantalizing "Indecision" which I'm currently working, who knows?  It could be just as complex as ILYA (though this one is based on "in schoolness")

As Touji declared (which is a very important statement):  "Not in this Universe."  (ALL the way back in Chapter 7!!!)