Title: I Love You, Asuka (17)

Title: I Love You, Asuka (17)

Author: Yih

Written: August 26, 2001

Dedication: To all my reviewers, thank you.

Disclaimer: All rights are Gainax.

Visit my website at http://a-dreamer.fws1.com

Part 17: Comatose No More

There was just the prevailing nothingness now.

He struggled through it to find his way out of this new oblivion. He didn't belong here anymore. He had found his answers. It was time for the reckoning to arrive. He crawled; and he ran. There seemed no way out. When he finally stumbled on the lightless where it ran to darkness, he thought this was the end, but it was merely the beginning. Nothing was easy now that reality had set into his mind.

All he had seen, all he had experienced was nothing. He wished to creep back into that dream once more, even for a second. But he couldn't return for he knew it wasn't real, and once that knowledge was form the doorway had closed. There was no returning. That didn't stop him from wanting to roll up in a ball and cry, letting the tears just overtake his soul.

It wasn't hard for him to feel pity for himself. He had felt it often before. Now, it just seemed natural in this otherworldly darkness.

Yet, it was wrong this want of self-absorption. The hollowness, the emotionless, the coldness of this dimension ached more poignantly the longer he stayed. It was time to leave and find Asuka. To trudge back into the reality that he had never confessed his love to her. To face the awful certainty that she might already be dead. He no longer welcomed this alternative.

"I want to go back!" he screamed, his words swallowed up by the emptiness.

"I want to be with her!"

"I want to say, 'I love you, Asuka,' just once before it's too late…"

The tears came this time like the gushing of a squashed grape. It wasn't a pretty thing; it wasn't a glorious sight. It was disgusting; it was revolting. The sadnesses of a human being not always quite so lovely to the eyes of the unknowing. It wasn't suppose to be beautiful because pain was pain. It festered as time grew on unless a solution was found. A reconciliation was made. An offering of kindness or love.

"I don't want to be too late," he cried to himself on bent knees as he poured out his soul in the bitter shedding of aching tears. "I don't want to be too late."

And finally, the light began to vanquish the darkness. It was as another door had opened for him. But it didn't get closer. It stayed where it was, far far away. It didn't need to beckon to Shinji, it was there if he wished to take it. It was no easy route; it was no easy task. There would be pain; there would be torture. For that was the way of all God's living creatures. To live was to experience hurt, there was no other way.

He tried. He just couldn't get to his feet, his will had dissolved with the hopelessness. For all he knew, he was too late. Too late, too late, those words haunted his mind. The gravity of it sinking into his mind causing him to slip further into the well known territory of wallowing sorrow. Just when everything seemed to be against him, he thought of the one thing that would always give him further strength.

Asuka.

"She needs me, but I'm so weak," he whispered so softly the words didn't even reach his own ears.

I want to stay in a dreamworld, while she's dying in the real world. And I love this dream more than I love real life. Is it because here she actually feels something for me? That I probably forced her to feel with my imagination? God, I just don't want to try anymore. But for her, I'll do it. I have to let her know how I feel about her before it's too late, and she's gone forever. I don't even want to think about not having her in my life.

Even if she nags me, even if she torments me… I'll love her from afar if I have to. I'll do anything and everything if you just let me get to her in time. I want to kneel by her side and confess everything that I've felt for her. I hope it's not too late. I hope I can reach her. I want that more than anything. If it's not too late… if it's not too late…

I'll tell her I love her.

He knew he loved her. Not just love her in a boyishly dreamy, crushy way, but in a way that would out last death. But how to get there and back to here before it was too late was the problem. He struggled to his feet and he ran as fast as his legs could carry him to that white light, that last hope. He would get there; he would make it. There was no other alternative available to his mindframe.

He didn't know how long he ran or how fast he was going, he just went for as long as he could which seemed like forever. The light didn't seem to get any closer, but he wouldn't give up. He promised himself he would get to her no matter what. No pain was too great, no hardship was too much. There was always a time to quit, but this wasn't one of them.

The feeling in his legs burned, his calves ached. He could no longer feel anything but the heaviness of those tired limbs. His head bent down, all his energies going to his struggle to get to Asuka before it was too late. His arms felt like they had iron balls attached to each wrist, as if he were an escaped criminal seeking the only way out of this hell.

Hell, yes it was hell because it prevented him from getting to her.

But he'd get there, he loved her.

She watched his legs, his arms thrash around the hospital bed. She was saddened to see the tears rolling down his flaccid cheeks. The years had been hard on him, but now it was telling on him as she watched his face contort into something not wholly of this world. It was as if he wasn't even here anymore. And maybe that was all for the best. It was better this way if he didn't come back.

But was it really?

How she would miss him! She had grown use to having him around, even if it did kill her lifestyle a bit when they have both moved in. She touched his shoulder and his mouth opened as if to form a word. But no sound came out, the muscles were struggling to emit something out of this world. What was he trying to say? Was it for her or someone else? Someone right next to him?

Even with all her powers as part of NERV, she wouldn't have been able to secure a place for Shinji in Asuka's room. Actually, they shouldn'te ven be in the same room for Asuka's condition was much more critical than Shinji's. But because of their status and the pleading that Misato had to do, they were here together. Were they together in that secret world of theirs?

Was it really better just to leave them both here in this seclusion?

They were finally together as Misato always thought they should be. Never had they looked more at peace than when they were together in this room. Both of their faces so serene, so achingly happy. But it was disrupted now by Shinji's flailing arms, if she didn't stop him the nurses were going to come in and possibly remove him from the room. And disrupt the peacefulness, the sereneness that had prevailed in the room.

"Shinji! Shinji!" cried out Misato as she sought to hold his arms down, trying anything to make him hear the reasoning in her voice. "Please, if you get too disruptive they'll remove you from this room."

But the words seem to pass over him. He just struggled harder despite the fact he was weak from only being given food through the tubes. She wondered how he seemed to get his unnatural strength, something was driving him, something was causing him to go beserk. What was it? What was driving him? It was then that the lethargy in the hours she had spent by both of their sides caught up to her and all she could do was fall back into her chair by Shinji's bed.

His limbs were not moving so wildly now. The weariness seemed to transmit from her body into him. His struggles ceased and his eyes opened. It was a miracle, or was it? The first words from his mouth were simply haunting, "God, she's dead, isn't she?"

It was so surprising Misato just covered her mouth and tears sprang up from her eyes. It was too much for her. It took her moments before she managed to come to her senses and denied it but Shinji turned to the side and saw Asuka lying there as if nothing had changed. Before she could stop him, he was out of his bed, the IV nearly coming undone as he croached by her side.

The scene was out of a fairy tale as he reached for her hand. But it wasn't a fairy tale, it was real life. The nurses had observed Shinji's thrashing and his sudden arousal from the dead and they had quickly erupted into the room like before. The nurses surrounded him and the look on his face as they gave him a tranquilizer was of utter desperation as he fought the effects of the drug.

"No, no, no."

Pure pain was in his voice as he collapsed into the nurses' open arms ready for his legs to give away from under him. He couldn't force the words of love out of his suddenly drowsy mindframe, he was lost in another world of nothingness. And this was where he was to stay as the nurses called the doctor in to check all his vital signs as they removed him to another room for all the tests to be done.

"No, she's not dead, Shinji. Not yet," Misato whispered only a few minutes too late.

Author's Note: Yeah, this part was sitting in my notebook for a month or so. I've got one or two more parts, maybe three. I have no idea, who cares? Everything good must come to an end, maybe this will be the end? And everything that sucks has no end. Thank you for reading.