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1 + 1 + 1 = 2 Right?The Greatest Pain Imaginable

December 30

Dear Diary,

There's a whole section of psychology devoted to fears.  Some people have made it their life's work naming each and every one.  There's arachnophobia, sophmophobia, and so many more.

Everyone is afraid of something.   Even the bravest person has a fear, most likely fearing being afraid.  Tai is the bravest person I know and he has been afraid more than once in his life.  He's so selfless, his greatest fear is losing all those he holds dearest to him.  One down, about ten to go. 

My greatest fear?  I use to think it was spiders, I mean I actually ended up hyperventilating once.  No, they're not even close to my greatest fear.  You can tell when you're really afraid of something when it effects your life in a major way.  When it stops you from grasping what you want the most.

I'm afraid to love.  I'm afraid of putting someone else before myself.  I fear the consequences of loving someone more than anything else and losing them, being left alone.  I'm so scared of giving someone my heart, completely and utterly loving him, only to find that they don't feel the same and not to have my love returned.

What hurts the most is the thought of them dying.  They say it is worse to have loved and lost than to never love at all.  I don't believe them.  I fell in love with two boys but lost one, that is the most painful feeling anyone should have to be put through.  I don't believe anything could be worse than this pain.  Never loving him is the easy option, the less painful one, and the one that sacrifices nothing.  Loving is the tormenting one, the one that sacrificed my heart, my friendship, the one that risks everything for what seems like so little.

Face your fears I keep telling myself.  The only people who can say that convincingly are the ones like Tai.  The really brave ones like Tai, who face their fear every single day, the ones who have the greatest possible fears imaginable and somehow they still live everyday as if it was just the same as everyone else.

No one is fearless; some just have a higher tolerance of fear.  Some people fear rejection, some the future, some the past, some failure, but no one is without fear.  Not even Tai.  And most definitely not me.

Signed Sora

She shut her diary.  Underneath it lay her ticket to Matt's concert tonight, the best seat in the house.  She decided to get there early hoping she could see him before the concert.

When she got there she was told that Matt was busy with someone and couldn't see her.

'I wonder who?' she thought.  'Oh well.  I'll just have to see him after the concert and ask then.'

Half an hour later the concert hall started to fill with Matt's many fans.  Sora quickly went to her seat in the front row.  The girls began to scream as Matt and the band made their way onto the stage.

"Hey everyone!" Matt called.  "Thanks for the warn welcome.  This first song is written for someone quite special to me.  This first song is called 'All or Nothing'."

The intro of the song began to play and the girls began to scream.

"I know when he's been on your mind

That distant look is in your eyes

I thought with time you'd realize

It's over, over

It's not the way I choose to live

And something somewhere's got to give

As sharing this relationship gets older, older

You know I'd fight for you

But how can I fight someone who isn't even there

I've had the rest of you now I want the best of you

I don't care if that's not fair

Cause I want it all

Or nothing at all

There's no where left to fall

When you reach the bottom it's now or never

Is it all?

Or are we just friends

Is this how it ends

With a simple telephone call

You leave me here with nothing at all

There are times it seems to me

I'm sharing you with memories

I feel it in my heart

But I don't show it, show it

And then there's times you look at me

As though I'm all that you can see

Those times I don't believe it's right

I know it, know it

Don't make me promises

Baby you never did know how to keep them well

I've had the best of you

Now I want the rest of you

It's time for show and tell

Cause I want it all

Or nothing at all

There's no where left to fall

When you reach the bottom it's now or never

Is it all?

Or are we just friends

Is this how it ends

With a simple telephone call

You leave me here with nothing at all

Cause you and I

Could lose it all if you've got no more room

No room inside for me in your life

Cause I want it all

Or nothing at all

There's no where left to fall

It's now or never

Cause I want it all

Or nothing at all

There's no where left to fall

When you reach the bottom it's now or never

Is it all?

Or are we just friends

Is this how it ends

With a simple telephone call

You leave me here with nothing at all

Cause I want it all

Or nothing at all

There's no where left to fall

When you reach the bottom it's now or never

Is it all?

Or are we just friends

Is this how it ends

With a simple telephone call

You leave me here with nothing at all."

(O-town 'All or Nothing')

The crowd roared loudly.  Sora was less attentive the rest of the concert.  She was busy thinking about the song lyrics.  He said the song was for someone special to him.  To Sora's dismay, that didn't necessarily mean her.

The song had really confused her.  If he didn't mean her then he just sang a song to some other girl and he was her soon to be dead boyfriend.  If he was singing to her then he either didn't trust her or didn't think the relationship was going anywhere, which meant he was her soon to be ex-boyfriend.  She didn't like the sound of either option, but knew she couldn't do anything about it till the concert was over.  'Thirty-five more minutes,' she thought glancing at her watch.

"This next song is written from the perspective of a good friend of mine," Matt said.  He nodded to the band signaling that it was time to play and began to sing.

"Oh oh yeah This isn't goodbye

Even as I watch you leave

This isn't goodbye

I swear I won't cry

Even as tears fill my eyes

I swear I won't cry

Any other girl

I'd let you walk away

Any other girl

I'm sure I'd be OK

Tell me what makes a man

Want to give you all his heart

Smile when you're around

And cry when you're apart

If you know what makes a man

Want to love you the way I do

Girl you got to let me know

So I can get over you

What makes her so right?

Is it the sound of her laugh?

That look in her eyes

When do you decide?

She is the dream that you seek

That force in your life

When you apologize

No matter who was wrong

When you get on your knees

If that would bring her home

 

Tell me what makes a man

Want to give you all his heart

Smile when you're around

And cry when you're apart

If you know what makes a man

Want to love you the way I do

Girl you got to let me know

So I can get over you

Ooh . . .

Other girls will come along

They always do

But what's the point

When all I ever want is you

Tell me . . .

Tell me what makes a man

Want to give you all his heart

Smile when you're around

And cry when you're apart

If you know what makes a man

Want to love you the way I do

Girl you got to let me know

Let me know

Girl you got to let me know

So I can get over you"

(Westlife 'What Makes a Man')

It was oblivious to everybody but Sora who Matt's friend was.  To Sora it seemed as obvious as saying the sky was blue.  Who else would be feeling this way?  Apart from maybe her, the only person possible was Tai.

She tried to remember what Matt always said about music.  Something to do with being able to explain your most complex emotions in a single word.  She thought about her most complex emotions and one word that could sum them up as easily as Matt summed up his.

"Tai," she whispered unheard by those around her. 

She met Matt backstage after the concert.

"I'm glad you're hear," he said.  "There's something really important I've been thinking about and we really need to talk about it."

"Sure," she replied nervously.  "Just name the place and time."

"Here and now," he replied simply.

"Sounds good to me," she said quietly.

---------- to be continued ----------

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