HEEEYYY!!!!! *shows a mechanical device* They got me a new Insanity Radar Meter!!!!!! The other one broke … yea, broke, … like … all of a sudden … Not like I *touched* it or anything, it just … broke … *hides hammer behind back*. Well, now this Meter not only BLINKS red, it actually does everyone a favour of calling the nice guys at St. Mungo! So they'll come and carry me away before I can hurt anyone, how about that! It'll save some lives …

This challenge is by Dunderhead.

The fic must include:

1) An evil plot to kill Dobby,
2) A love story involving Crookshanks, Hagrid and a cup of hot fat,
3) Two alternate endings,
4) Ron's illegitimate son Bob,
5) 'Stupid Hat Day' and
6) A large box of gold hotpants

The inevitable DISCLAIMER: I own nada … … … HAHAHHAHAHAH!!! You can't sue me now!!!! Na-na-na-na-na-NA!!! *sticks tongue out*

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[insert title here] by BluePrint

            The house-elves stared at each other.

            "So, is us going to do it?" the fat one named Boinky asked. The other house-elves hesitantly nodded. Boinky grinned smugly. He proceeded to explain the plan. "So Dobby will be going to Hogsmeade for his day-off tomorrow, is Boinky right?"

            The house-elves nodded.

            "When Dobby is gone, we put very very sharp, spikes in Dobby's bed and cover the sharp spikes. When Dobby comes home very tired, he will want to sleep, is Boinky right?"

            The house-elves nodded.

            "But when he sleeps on his bed, Dobby won't be able to wake up!!" Boinky said chuckling with delight. He was a very evil house-elf indeed. Timidly but wickedly, the other house-elves grinned.

*Meanwhile in the Gryffindor Common Room*

            "Harry, what do you mean you finished my pink nail polish?" Ron said with frustration.

            "Ron, I didn't finish it," Harry replied. "I … it … sorta … spilled on my fingernails."

            "Oh, and I supposed it spilled on your toenails too, huh?" Ron said.

            "Yeah."

            "Oh … that's alright, then."

            Just then the common room portrait swung open. Hermione, Lavender and Parvati came in carrying a box each.

            "Hey, what have you three got in those boxes?" Ron asked. The three girls reached into their boxes and took out … hats. Hermione took out one that was coloured banana yellow and had pink stars all over it. Lavender took out one that looked a little like Abraham Lincoln's hat with bold white letters on it that said, "2004 bunnies have been taken out of this hat." Parvati took out a navy blue one that simply read, "N'Sync".

            "What are the hats for?" Harry asked.

            "Harry, are you daft?" Ron said. "Don't you KNOW that tomorrow is Stupid Hat Day?"

            Harry shook his head.

            "What?! I can't believe you don't know it's Stupid Hat Day tomorrow, Harry! You know, Harry, if you're gonna hang around me, you have got to keep up with the times, Harry!" Ron sighed a frustrated sigh. He was a very frustrated boy indeed. He began painting his toenails purple.

            "And look!" Hermione said pulling out a reasonably small hat out of the box. "I even got one for Crookshanks. I'm gonna show it to him now … that is, if I can find him … haven't seen him all day."

            Hermione couldn't find Crookshanks because he had spent the entire day spying on the only one he truly loved … Hagrid. He stood outside Hagrid's hut and looked in the window. What he saw made him sighed woefully.

            Inside the hut, at the table beside a particularly large cup seated Hagrid. He was talking to the cup, which was filled with hot fat. Yup, steamin' …

            "No, don't say that …" Hagrid pleaded with the COHF (Cup of Hot Fat). "There is *nothing* going on between Crookshanks and me … … … yes, and that's the last time that will ever happen, I promise! … … … It didn't even mean anything! I was really drunk that night! … … … Please? Please, take me back! … … …" (A/N: Sorry, didn't get the accent right … … … in fact, I didn't even try to get the accent right! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!)

            Crookshanks sighed a cat-ty sigh. Just then he heard a sound behind him (A/N: Or is it her?).

            "Crabbe, what do you mean you can't remember where you put it?" a very angry Draco Malfoy said to a very confused Crabbe. "Okay, okay, … … … you left the box here," -Crabbe nodded - "Then you went into the forest to take a leak, is that correct?" Crabbe nodded. "But when you came back, it was gone?" Crabbe hesitated and scrunched up his face as if trying to think (trying but not succeeding). Then he nodded. "Well, someone must have stolen it of course! A large box of gold hotpants just doesn't go missing all of a sudden!!"

            Draco's face was flustered. He sighed. "Someone must have stolen it … … … but who?" He thought for a while. Then he snapped his fingers. "Of course!"

*The next day at Potions class*

            It's Stupid Hat Day!

            Everyone in class was wearing stupid looking hats.

            "Oh, my," Snape said with false surprise. "The Slytherins have managed come up with such brilliantly stupid looking hats! 10 points awarded!"

            There was a knock on the door and in came Professor Dumbledore. He spoke with Snape for a while. Then Snape turned to the class.

            "Weasley," Snape said with a sneer. "Professor Dumbledore here would like to speak to you."

            Ron got up and left the class, wondering, with Dumbledore.

            "Continue brewing your potions, students," Snape said. He walked to Draco's desk. "Good work, Mr. Malfoy. Your potion looks excellent! 5 points to Slytherin just because."

            Draco looked up at Snape with an angelic smile on his face. "Wouldn't it look better if it were *-dramatic pause-* golden, Professor?" Snape flinched. Then Draco whispered, "If you give the box back with its contents, Professor, my father need not know of your insolence."

            Snape looked mutinous. "I don't know what you're talking about, Malfoy." He walked away leaving Draco furious.

*After Potions*

            "Did you taste your potion, Hermione?" Harry asked.

            "Yeah," Hermione answered. "It tasted like … … … Grindylow liver."

            Harry's eyebrow rose. "Really? Mine tasted more like … … … plain water."

            "Oh, that's because you didn't actually ADD your potion ingredients."

            "Oh … … … oooooohhh …" Harry said with realization dawning.

            Just then Ron came running around the corner carrying a baby in his arms. "Hey, you guys!!!! Guess what!!! Guess what!!!!" he said excitedly bobbing up and down.

            "What?"

            "Look!!! LOOK!!!!!" he said thrusting the sleeping baby towards their eyes. Harry and Hermione looked.

            "Erm, it's a … baby, … Ron," Hermione said with concern for her best friend. Her hand immediately went to his temple. "Have you a fever, Ron?"

            Ron shook her hand away. "Its … its *sob* my very own … illegitimate SON!!!"

            Harry and Hermione gasped.

            "Really, Ron?!" Harry said. "Oh gosh!!!! How cool is that Hermione?!! Hey, Ron, can I be his godfather?"

            "What?! No way!" Ron said. Harry looked hurt. "At least not until You-Know-Who's dead … because I don't want him to take my *-another dramatic pause-* illegitimate SON for hostage or anything because of you. It's nothing personal, Harry." Harry brightened up.

            "What are you going to name him?" Hermione asked.

            "Erm, I was thinking of naming him 'Severus' but … that name's too common so I think I'll name him Bob!"

            "Cool."

            "Radical."

            Ron beamed.

*That evening*

            A high-pitch scream sliced through Hogwarts …

            The house-elves laughed silently. When the blood splashes ceased, they quietly but hurriedly rushed out to clean up the mess before anyone came to investigate.

*Snape's Dungeon*

            Snape thought about what Draco had said to him in today's Potions class. Children are SO naïve, he chuckled to himself as he reached below his desk to take out the box. He reached into the box searching for the right size … Large? No too big … Medium maybe? … … … Nah! Hmmmm … Aha! XXS!

            The door slammed open, much to Snape's shock. It was McGonagall. Her face was pale.

            "Someone's just killed Dobby!!!!!" she cried out.

            "Killed who?"

            "Erm, Snape, … are those … golden … ho-hotpants?" McGonagall asked. Snape nodded. Just then Draco passed by the open door. He stopped when he saw Snape with the large box of gold hotpants.

            "Ha! I knew it was you Snape!" Draco said. So, the next day, Draco went and told his bigshot dad about Snape's 'insolence' and that greaseball got fired the next day … … … OR … … …

            On the way to the kitchens to investigate the scream, Hagrid accidentally spilled the COHF on Draco who was on the way to the Slytherin common room. So, Draco's face burned and the next day he went and told his bigshot dad about Hagrid's clumsy accident and the 'ickle half-giant got the sack the next day.

THE END

Hermione: Um … if you're wondering where the author is …
Ron: The nice guys at St. Mungo came and took her kicking and screaming away.
Harry: Don't worry, though. She'll be back.
Draco: Yeah, she has the BEST escape plans EVER!
Hermione: You would NOT believe!
Ron: Oh, look, Harry, she killed Dobby off. Isn't that sad?
Harry: Who? ::ponders for a moment:: Dobby … isn't that a Teletubbie or something?
Draco: No way, man! The Teletubbies are ::starts naming the Teletubbies:: . They rock!
Snape: Totally.