Author: nibun (nibun@pacbell.net)
Disclaimer: You know the drill, I don't own em. *sniff* I may not own the characters or the GW Universe, but I do own this story I wrote! Please don't steal from me!
Warnings: Mild shounen-ai, POV
Rating: G / PG?
Pairings: 1+2+1
Lain ~ Part 1
Created: 8/23/01 Completed: 11/10/01
It started a few days ago, at night, my inability to ignore the curiosity. Ever since I met the guy I've wondered what goes on inside of that head of his, but it began to eat away at me. How could anyone get a glimpse of what lies behind those eyes and not wonder what's happening back there? And it's odd, but I felt some kind of urgency niggling at the back of my mind, a perseverant voice that wouldn't go away. I have a feeling that there's an importance in me doing this; that it's important for him, and important for me as well. That gut instinct helps in spurring me along.
But anyway, as I was saying, I started this little mission of mine a few days ago. I was watching him (which wasn't something new), when one of those tidal waves of emotion came out of nowhere and rolled over me. You know when you're dwelling on something or someone, and suddenly you feel all this love and gratitude for whatever you may have been thinking about? That feeling so strong that you want to laugh and cry at the same time, and just feel that way forever? I was so deliriously happy in those moments, for being able to know Heero, and the rest of the guys. I felt so much gratitude, having these people that I consider my friends, my anchors in the middle of this soul-eating war. They made the pain and darkness seem so much more survivable. Everyone gave me this feeling, but it was strongest from Heero. He was my partner, and I loved him, just as I loved the others, but stronger somehow. I couldn't understand how I could feel so much for him, he being as stoic as he is, but perhaps it was the possibility that someone else existed beneath that solemn persona. I have my own mask, so I can understand Heero using one as well.
And me, I'm not usually one to hold back when it comes to positive emotions. Although, things are a bit different when these emotions involve Heero, but I'm willing to change that. I'll have to change that, if I ever want to see the human being lurking beneath the soldier. So, I got up from my bed, where I had been sitting, and walked up behind him. He was sitting at his laptop, making preparations for a short, simple solo mission he had the next morning. I leaned over and wrapped my arms loosely about his shoulders, laying my head on my upper arm, facing him. I had the silliest grin on my face, I knew, but it was genuine, and it felt good. He tensed beneath me, stopping his flying fingers a moment to turn his head and watch me watch him. He didn't glare exactly, it was more of a pointed, questioning look that said, 'What the hell are you doing?' My mouth just widened until it was impossible for it to stretch any further, my eyes open so he could see the affection I felt inside me. I just watched him for a few moments, reveling in his simple presence. It had felt so good, to be so near to him, I knew I could get used to the feeling so easily. I softened my grin, then tightened my arms and pressed my cheek against his before withdrawing.
"Oyasumi nasai, He~ero," I had said lowly, my voice lilting over his name. He remained there, stiff as a board, fingers resting still as undisturbed air over the keyboard. I smiled to myself one last time before changing into a tank and boxers and climbing into bed; a sad, wistful, yet hopeful smile. Heero seemed so dead to the world, but I knew that wasn't true, and that I was going to do everything I could to bring him to life. Still, it made me so sad that I could actually feel my heart aching in my chest, that he had experienced something to make him like this, that his life had made him like this.
I curled up beneath my covers, wishing more than anything in that moment that I could've just held him against me, that I could heal him and in turn myself. I watched him several moments more, until his fingers started back up. I smiled briefly to myself as I registered how long it had taken him to return to typing on his laptop, realizing he must have been puzzling over something in his mind. Contrary to what one might think, the rhythmic tapping of keys and the soft glow of the screen was rather comforting, when I knew they came from Heero's presence, anyway. I finally closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep that night, lulled by the soft clackings of Heero's fingers against the keys.
It started a few days ago, Duo's odd behavior. I had a quick mission, two mornings ago now, and I had been sitting at my laptop doing some final research the night before. I'd felt him watching me, as I had a few other times in the past, as I do now. Yet his stare had been one more of contemplation, rather than one meant to sear into my skin. I was used to feeling his eyes on me.
I wasn't, however, used to him - or anyone else for that matter - touching me so blatantly. Physical closeness is unnecessary in all affairs of a soldier, except perhaps for stealing upon an enemy to snap his neck. I have never been touched in a manner anywhere near resembling affection, nor have I ever done the same for anyone else. Even though I could easily hear him coming up behind me, I was shocked at his actions.
But what stunned me even more, was the way it made me feel.
Duo's arms had wrapped about my shoulders loosely, comfortably, as if it was an habitual action he practiced every day. I could feel his eyes on me again, now only scant inches away from my own face, his warm breath wafting against my cheek and neck.
There was something about his presence that I am simply unable to completely explain. It was as if the warmth that he radiated was so deep and endless that it covered my skin and even seeped beneath, filling some hollow place inside of me that I had never noticed before. The feeling was only reinforced as I turned to look at him and his silly grin, somehow managing to keep my gaze frosty under a look so warm.
To be honest, Duo's eyes scared the hell out of me. I was able to identify his expression as an affection of some sort, but I had never imagined that such a look would be cast in my direction. I could feel it pouring from his eyes to cover me, only adding to the warmth that surrounded and invaded me. I felt such confusion and fear in those moments, wondering why, why Duo would look at me that way.
And then I wanted, no, needed him to leave. I didn't want those eyes looking at me, not at me, not like that. Emotions, I have come to realize, are inevitable, especially as a soldier in the middle of a war. But those are emotions like guilt and regret and self-hatred, nothing that will comfort you when you wake up from a nightmare, feelings that can't possibly remain foreign to any true human being who has killed so much as I. I felt afraid of this new, unknown emotion, and it was only my training that allowed my breathing and pulse to remain normal. It was only my training that kept me from either shying away from his cheek pressed against mine or leaning into it, for I don't know which I would have chosen had I not had my training.
He finally left after that, and I breathed an internal sigh of relief, even as something about me felt bereft, even as I waited for my skin to stop tingling. I heard him say good night, in that slightly teasing tone of his, a simple trait of Duo's voice. Yet I could also detect just a hint of that same affection I had seen in his eyes, and I couldn't help but wonder why, why it existed, why it was having such an effect on me. I could feel something inside of me that was telling me to accept it, to let it come, to let it and him into my life, but I ignored it coldly, realizing it wouldn't let itself be extinguished. Feelings that involved others were dangerous, a liability in this war, something that could only get you killed. I refused to give in to those eyes, and I continued typing as if I had never stopped.
But still the voice inside me lived on, whispering to me, telling of its curiosity of what it might feel like to accept and perhaps even return the warmth that Duo had given me.
~Tsuzuku~
Disclaimer: You know the drill, I don't own em. *sniff* I may not own the characters or the GW Universe, but I do own this story I wrote! Please don't steal from me!
Warnings: Mild shounen-ai, POV
Rating: G / PG?
Pairings: 1+2+1
Lain ~ Part 1
Created: 8/23/01 Completed: 11/10/01
It started a few days ago, at night, my inability to ignore the curiosity. Ever since I met the guy I've wondered what goes on inside of that head of his, but it began to eat away at me. How could anyone get a glimpse of what lies behind those eyes and not wonder what's happening back there? And it's odd, but I felt some kind of urgency niggling at the back of my mind, a perseverant voice that wouldn't go away. I have a feeling that there's an importance in me doing this; that it's important for him, and important for me as well. That gut instinct helps in spurring me along.
But anyway, as I was saying, I started this little mission of mine a few days ago. I was watching him (which wasn't something new), when one of those tidal waves of emotion came out of nowhere and rolled over me. You know when you're dwelling on something or someone, and suddenly you feel all this love and gratitude for whatever you may have been thinking about? That feeling so strong that you want to laugh and cry at the same time, and just feel that way forever? I was so deliriously happy in those moments, for being able to know Heero, and the rest of the guys. I felt so much gratitude, having these people that I consider my friends, my anchors in the middle of this soul-eating war. They made the pain and darkness seem so much more survivable. Everyone gave me this feeling, but it was strongest from Heero. He was my partner, and I loved him, just as I loved the others, but stronger somehow. I couldn't understand how I could feel so much for him, he being as stoic as he is, but perhaps it was the possibility that someone else existed beneath that solemn persona. I have my own mask, so I can understand Heero using one as well.
And me, I'm not usually one to hold back when it comes to positive emotions. Although, things are a bit different when these emotions involve Heero, but I'm willing to change that. I'll have to change that, if I ever want to see the human being lurking beneath the soldier. So, I got up from my bed, where I had been sitting, and walked up behind him. He was sitting at his laptop, making preparations for a short, simple solo mission he had the next morning. I leaned over and wrapped my arms loosely about his shoulders, laying my head on my upper arm, facing him. I had the silliest grin on my face, I knew, but it was genuine, and it felt good. He tensed beneath me, stopping his flying fingers a moment to turn his head and watch me watch him. He didn't glare exactly, it was more of a pointed, questioning look that said, 'What the hell are you doing?' My mouth just widened until it was impossible for it to stretch any further, my eyes open so he could see the affection I felt inside me. I just watched him for a few moments, reveling in his simple presence. It had felt so good, to be so near to him, I knew I could get used to the feeling so easily. I softened my grin, then tightened my arms and pressed my cheek against his before withdrawing.
"Oyasumi nasai, He~ero," I had said lowly, my voice lilting over his name. He remained there, stiff as a board, fingers resting still as undisturbed air over the keyboard. I smiled to myself one last time before changing into a tank and boxers and climbing into bed; a sad, wistful, yet hopeful smile. Heero seemed so dead to the world, but I knew that wasn't true, and that I was going to do everything I could to bring him to life. Still, it made me so sad that I could actually feel my heart aching in my chest, that he had experienced something to make him like this, that his life had made him like this.
I curled up beneath my covers, wishing more than anything in that moment that I could've just held him against me, that I could heal him and in turn myself. I watched him several moments more, until his fingers started back up. I smiled briefly to myself as I registered how long it had taken him to return to typing on his laptop, realizing he must have been puzzling over something in his mind. Contrary to what one might think, the rhythmic tapping of keys and the soft glow of the screen was rather comforting, when I knew they came from Heero's presence, anyway. I finally closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep that night, lulled by the soft clackings of Heero's fingers against the keys.
It started a few days ago, Duo's odd behavior. I had a quick mission, two mornings ago now, and I had been sitting at my laptop doing some final research the night before. I'd felt him watching me, as I had a few other times in the past, as I do now. Yet his stare had been one more of contemplation, rather than one meant to sear into my skin. I was used to feeling his eyes on me.
I wasn't, however, used to him - or anyone else for that matter - touching me so blatantly. Physical closeness is unnecessary in all affairs of a soldier, except perhaps for stealing upon an enemy to snap his neck. I have never been touched in a manner anywhere near resembling affection, nor have I ever done the same for anyone else. Even though I could easily hear him coming up behind me, I was shocked at his actions.
But what stunned me even more, was the way it made me feel.
Duo's arms had wrapped about my shoulders loosely, comfortably, as if it was an habitual action he practiced every day. I could feel his eyes on me again, now only scant inches away from my own face, his warm breath wafting against my cheek and neck.
There was something about his presence that I am simply unable to completely explain. It was as if the warmth that he radiated was so deep and endless that it covered my skin and even seeped beneath, filling some hollow place inside of me that I had never noticed before. The feeling was only reinforced as I turned to look at him and his silly grin, somehow managing to keep my gaze frosty under a look so warm.
To be honest, Duo's eyes scared the hell out of me. I was able to identify his expression as an affection of some sort, but I had never imagined that such a look would be cast in my direction. I could feel it pouring from his eyes to cover me, only adding to the warmth that surrounded and invaded me. I felt such confusion and fear in those moments, wondering why, why Duo would look at me that way.
And then I wanted, no, needed him to leave. I didn't want those eyes looking at me, not at me, not like that. Emotions, I have come to realize, are inevitable, especially as a soldier in the middle of a war. But those are emotions like guilt and regret and self-hatred, nothing that will comfort you when you wake up from a nightmare, feelings that can't possibly remain foreign to any true human being who has killed so much as I. I felt afraid of this new, unknown emotion, and it was only my training that allowed my breathing and pulse to remain normal. It was only my training that kept me from either shying away from his cheek pressed against mine or leaning into it, for I don't know which I would have chosen had I not had my training.
He finally left after that, and I breathed an internal sigh of relief, even as something about me felt bereft, even as I waited for my skin to stop tingling. I heard him say good night, in that slightly teasing tone of his, a simple trait of Duo's voice. Yet I could also detect just a hint of that same affection I had seen in his eyes, and I couldn't help but wonder why, why it existed, why it was having such an effect on me. I could feel something inside of me that was telling me to accept it, to let it come, to let it and him into my life, but I ignored it coldly, realizing it wouldn't let itself be extinguished. Feelings that involved others were dangerous, a liability in this war, something that could only get you killed. I refused to give in to those eyes, and I continued typing as if I had never stopped.
But still the voice inside me lived on, whispering to me, telling of its curiosity of what it might feel like to accept and perhaps even return the warmth that Duo had given me.
~Tsuzuku~
