Author: nibun (nibun@pacbell.net)

Disclaimer: You know the drill, I don't own em. *sniff* I may not own the characters or the GW Universe, but I do own this story I wrote! Please don't steal from me!

Warnings: Mild shounen-ai, POV, sap, Hee-torture ^.^

Rating: G / PG?

Pairings: 1+2+1

Lain ~ Part 2

Created: 11/11/01 Completed: 11/11/01



And now, three days later, that voice is still there, whispering to me, and I'm doing my damnedest to ignore it, even though a part of me knows I won't be able to avoid it forever, that I'm just delaying the inevitable. But I don't even want to think about what it will be like when that happens.

After that night, Duo began watching me more often, to a point where its become as familiar as... I don't know. Familiar as my pulse, as Wing's controls beneath my hands. And he's been asking stupid, pointless questions, like what is my favorite color, why is my hair always so messy. I never answer him, just glare and hope he'll leave me alone. In part I do it to keep him away from me, because... I don't know. Answering would be giving in to him, allowing him closer, bringing *me* closer to something I don't truly understand. But really....

I don't have an answer to give. I am a soldier, and all I can ever remember doing in my life is training, learning how to kill, how to survive. And dealing with the guilt that comes along with it. I've never had time to ponder different colors and see which one appeals to me the most, I've never had time to wonder why my hair is the way it is, I simply let it be.

I just am, I realize. The only interaction I've ever had with others involved training or killing or the mission. I exist, I'm like a machine. And... and some part of me, doesn't want to be that way. That little voice in the back of my head doesn't want it. But still, I have to try, try to overcome that voice. I don't know why, but I just... have to....

I realize that I have finished my task on the laptop, and that my hands have clenched themselves into fists. I release them quickly, as if trying to deny their existence. The situation is bad, when I can't even control my own actions. I can only hope that Duo didn't see, because then he'll realize that he's beginning to succeed.

I put my laptop on standby, as there are no current missions or other messages. I push my chair back slightly, and sit there, silent. As long as the missions are stagnant, I have nothing to do. I just sit, sometimes, when I'm alone, or if Duo's in the room perhaps I'll type on my laptop, pretending to do something important so he won't bother me. But now it doesn't really matter, and I'm not in the mood to put up an appearance. Sometimes I wonder why I ever do, what makes me feel the need to pretend.

Several minutes are spent in silence as I stare forward at the blank screen, Duo's eyes in turn watching me. The silence coming from Duo is a bit unnerving, as neither of us are busy. The ringing is finally disturbed as he says my name.

"Heero."

I turn around and, in what I suppose is a bold move in this particular situation, meet his gaze. I say nothing.

"What are you doing?"

I continue to look at him, an eyebrow raised minutely, the answer apparent in my eyes.

'Nothing, what does it look like?'

He is quieted a moment by that. Then he asks another question.

"Why not?"

I have an answer and give it to him immediately.

"There are no missions, therefore there is nothing that needs to be accomplished."

I don't know how I am expecting him to react to my words, but it certainly wasn't the way he does. His eyes, they look... hurt, as if he's in pain, but not a physical one. That's something else I can recognize, something I am all too familiar with.

I'm surprised yet again as he gets up from the bed and kneels in front of me, crossing his arms on my knees. Something tells me I'll have to get used to his touch as well as his gaze. He leans forward slightly and I lean back, wary of his intentions; I can feel my body tensing.

But then his face turns up and I can see his eyes more clearly, and though I fight it, my body tries to stop breathing.

Ever since three days ago, Duo's eyes have been completely open. Around the others he acts as he always does, cheerful and happy-go-lucky. But whenever we're alone, he lets his emotions show in his eyes, as if he's giving a gift that's just for me.

And right now I can see everything in his eyes. I search but I find no pity or disgust, only a pure, overwhelming pain. I can feel it now, too. It's odd, but I can never keep from feeling the effects of whatever I see in Duo's eyes, and it makes me so confused, why he's hurting so much, and why I want it to stop. I dislike this feeling, I hate being uncertain, I hate seeing him like this and not knowing why, I hate not being sure of anything. In war if a situation is uncertain, I can do calculations, I can strategize to figure out the truth, come up with a solution. But when it comes to emotions, and Duo, I have no idea what to do. My knowledge of each is vague at best; to be able to comprehend both of them together seems nearly impossible.

His eyes bore into me and I have to press my hands into my lap, because I'm not sure that they won't shake if I don't. I feel myself stop breathing against my will as he begins to lift one of his hands toward my face.

I take in a quick breath of air as his fingertips burn against my skin, only for it to hold again inside of me. He speaks slowly and quietly, his voice and eyes burning as much as his touch.

"There's more to life, Heero, more than the war, you need so much to learn and understand that."

He backs off then, finally, and I can feel myself breathe again. Having now gained my coherency, I feel ashamed of my actions, allowing Duo's influence to make me lose control of my body like that. But before I have time to contemplate any further, he sits down beside me on the chair, which is a rather large one, and I am forced to scoot over so that we both fit. He turns us around to face the computer and I am so dazed by everything I feel that I don't complain, even as he begins to use my computer to go on the internet.

I sit quietly for several minutes, wondering what he is doing, wondering why I'm letting him do whatever it is. Finally he comes to a web page that has swatches of different colors on it. I feel his eyes on me so I turn to him and he is grinning.

"You don't have a favorite color, na Hee-chan? Well, why don't we fix that?" I glare at him for calling me that, but he continues as if it were nothing, gesturing to the screen, his tone teasing. "Go ahead, look around, take your time, see if there's anything you like."

I glance at the screen then slightly raise my eyebrow at him. He rolls his eyes back at me.

"Oh come on Heero, it may seem stupid, but just try it. Please?"

I glare at him again, but look back at the screen anyway. It has just the basic colors, and I try to find one that appeals to me the most, despite how childish I feel. That one's too bright, that one too racy. Hn, that color is too girly, reminds me of Relena. Those two are kind of nice, general colors. But... but that one, there's something about it; it seems familiar, comfortable. I like it.

I can't help but blink as I realize I actually made a choice about something unrelated to the war, something so trivial that it really didn't matter. But maybe it means more than it seems.

I lift my hand and point to it, turning to face Duo as I do so. "That one."

He looks at my choice then raises his brows at me. "Purple?"

At his skeptical tone I feel my eyes draw completely shut and I scowl, turning away from him as much as I can being in the same chair with him. He moves hastily, putting his hand on my shoulder.

"Oi, there's nothing wrong with it! I just didn't expect you to like purple of all colors. I thought you would go for blue or green or somethin', those seem to be the most popular ones. But purple's cool, it's one of my favorites too, along with black and red that is."

I'm feeling stubborn and embarrassed so I stand up quickly, only to be pulled back down by Duo's hand. I turn to glare at him, but it has no effect.

"Oi, stop it. Purple's a great color. I'm just glad you actually chose something. Now in the future when someone asks you your favorite color, you'll have an answer for them, na Hee-chan?"

I remain silent as he grins at me, his eyes beginning to soften. His arms wrap around me briefly and squeeze, holding me tight for a mere second. I do not return the embrace, for I'm not sure if I would be able to keep from shaking if I moved the tiniest bit. This effect he has on me angers as well as scares me.

He releases me with a final affectionate smile, one of the ones that sends my mind into a confused jumble, and we get ready for bed. As I'm climbing beneath the covers, I pause a moment, then say quietly, "Arigatou."

I only see his eyes glinting in the moonlight, but I can hear the heartfelt sincerity in his voice as he replies.

"Any time Heero, any time at all."

As I lay in bed, beginning to fall asleep, I realize for the first time that the color I chose was the same as that of Duo's eyes.



~Tsuzuku~