Author: nibun (nibun@pacbell.net)

Disclaimer: You know the drill, I don't own em. *sniff* I may not own the characters or the GW Universe, but I do own this story I wrote! Please don't steal from me!

Warnings: Mild shounen-ai, POV, sap

Rating: G

Pairings: 1+2+1



Lain ~ Part 4

Created: 12/10/01 Completed: 1/2/02

My head falls back against the chair as I give him my weary answer. I feel so drained. I can't believe he was actually able to talk me into it; part of me wants to laugh hysterically at the fact. But part of me feels good too. That's the part of me that wants to live, that wants all the things that Duo told me about. Still I feel crazy for agreeing, but...

I want this. I hate more than anything to admit it to myself, and I want nothing more than to deny it, but it's true.... Che, I can't believe it, can't believe it at all, I must be insane....

Duo is leaning against me now, not having moved from my lap, and I wonder at that. My mind is fighting with me, trying to get me to push him off, but I feel so comfortable that I tense in indecision. I guess he feels it, because he pulls back and looks at me, then smiles.

"It's okay. Try to listen to the voice that you wouldn't normally listen to from now on. Do whatever feels best, whatever feels the most right in *here*, no matter what." His palm is warm against my chest, where it rests over my heart. "Even if you feel stupid, childish, weak, embarrassed, whatever. Just act on what you're feeling, na?"

Even though I feel a number of those things right now I force myself to relax my body. I lean back into the chair, letting the physical and emotional weakness overtake me. My gut tells me that his words are true, that I can trust him. My eyes close and Duo's words remind me of something someone else once told me, something that I never thought I'd be able to fulfill.

'Follow your emotions.'

I think about what Odin said, wondering if it was intended somehow that he would tell me these words, or that Duo and I would be in such a situation as this, where I would need to look back and consider them. Suddenly they carry more impact, when I am shown a world where I may act on what I feel inside, and not what has been trained into me.

I open my eyes and look down at Duo, where he is leaned against my shoulder. His own eyes are closed and he is smiling, a serene look on his face. I don't think that I could discuss my past with him yet; everything is so completely new. But I'd like to, I think, someday soon.

As I watch him, I feel something inside me, something that I think is akin to the affection that I see in his eyes so many times when he looks at me. I don't think I've ever felt it before, so it's hard to say. It feels warm, inside my chest, and I feel like I want to be close to him, as we are now. And I'm content because of it. I'm driven to wonder if he would see what I see in his eyes, in my own, if he were to open them and look up at me now. I swear at myself, partly in jest. What has this boy done to my mind?

Returning from my thoughts I notice that the pattering of rain has started outside. I turn my chair to face the direction of the window, to watch the water slant across the glass. Carefully I pull our weight across the floor, somewhat fascinated. I imagine that watching the rain would be something Duo would enjoy.

Sitting here as I am, gazing upon the landscapes outside, I am suddenly acutely aware of each breath Duo and I take; aware of every tiny move each of us makes, aware of the pulsing sound of our hearts beating, of the coolness of the air seeping through the glass, of the fresh scent caused by the rain. Time seems to slow, every action and detail amplified a hundred- fold to my suddenly awed senses. And during these few elongated seconds, I feel something that I can't quite fully understand. A sense of peace, of knowing that in the end, everything will be right and good. And I see beauty, one thing that I have never truly had the privilege to bear witness to. A beauty that lies in Duo's face, and the way his breath escapes from his parted lips, causing the loose tendrils of his hair to dance; in the drops of water, playing tag as they fall along the clear pane of glass; and in the trees outside, the way the coy wind bids their fingers flirt with one another.

My vision seems to shrink to a pinpoint of light, before bursting in a wild explosion of color, and suddenly the moment is over. I find myself panting, short of breath as if I had just completed some strenuous task. But then, perhaps that is so. Perhaps, it was simply too much for my mind to handle right now. I look down, and I can't believe that Duo appears to be so unaffected by a moment that to me, was something so rare and... and beautiful. Beautiful. He seems to burrow into me and I gasp and flinch, the chair rolling back not an inch. My skin prickles, but is quickly replaced by the warmth that seems to seep from his body into mine. I watch him in confusion, pressing the tips of my fingers softly against his forehead as I realize he has fallen asleep. Duo.... He's the key to this, somehow. Somehow, he is the reason....

I frown and pull my hand away, then lift him up. I carry him over to our beds, and lay him carefully on mine, so I can turn down the covers of his own. I pick him up and set him down once more, pulling the blankets up around him. I sit down across from him on my bed, elbows pressed against my knees, hands folded beneath my chin, and watch him with a curiosity that right now I am unable to repress. His face twists, expression changing from something peaceful to something disturbed; the nightmares of a soldier, I presume.

I think it's then that I truly realize that there's more to Duo than meets the eye. I never contemplated it, even after the determination and compassion and countless other emotions he has displayed, and I am miffed at that fact. He's let me see more of him these last few days than he has ever shown the others, to my knowledge, and now, I think I know a bit how he feels. A curiosity prods at my mind, making me wonder what else there is to Duo Maxwell, since such things as I have seen already exist within him. Perhaps the tables may turn at some point, I muse.

Tilting my head, I debate whether or not to awaken him. It's ten a.m., and certainly not a time to be sleeping. However, there aren't any missions to prepare for or tie up that he needs to worry about. I look once more to the rain outside, and decide to leave him be. Yet, his features are still marred with a frown. I stand automatically and my hand reaches for his face. My touch seems magic, the creases clearing immediately away. I cock my head to the side once more, looking down at him puzzledly, unsure of his actions and reactions. Retreating slowly, I move my chair back to the desk and sit down with a last glance over my shoulder, before turning my attention to my laptop.

~Tsuzuku~