Author's Note: Finally, here's part 5. It's been so long. Thanks to all of you who reviewed. Okay some to the actions of the characters seem confusing and maybe aren't well explained. Some will be later and some can't be fully due to their complex nature. If this bothers you I am sorry. When you review tell me any clarification you need. By the way please review. It would make me ever so happy.
Disclaimer: I don't own Digimon.
1ST UNDERSTANDING
Three weeks Miyako remained in the hospital. Those three weeks were hell for her. The
loneliness, the isolation, the shame, broken only by the visits of her friends and family. When they came
she was able to put on a cheeriness that though a poor copy of her old self satisfied her worried loved ones
and increased the guilt she already felt at hurting them with her pain. Soon they relaxed worried less,
reveled in what they saw as her new happy lease on life. Davis grew less clingy and he had told her that
she was his best friend as much as Ken. Ken's daily visits were uncomfortable and a necessity to her.
Never had the lavender haired girl apologized so much. Deep in her heart and mind and soul she buried
the pain that had not been cured at all by pills or knives or therapy and stomach pumps. Miyako pushed
away her friends who could have healed it. she had done enough to them already. Of course, no one knew
that remorse had twisted in Miyako into a greater depression. On the fourth week Miyako was released.
A thin tall frame surveyed the Inoue house hold, including the family. Miyako smiled at them she wanted
them to feel good about her return.
"It is nice to be home. I can't believe I actually missed fighting for the bathroom, and the TV, and the
food and,... Hey I changed my mind can I go back." Then the girl laughed and her family laughed with
her.
"Miyako honey" the increased tenderness with which her mother now spoke did not go unnoticed by the
girl. "We're going out of town honey so could you pack some things."
"Mom I just got home! How bout you guys go and I'll stay here and have Kari keep me company. Please."
She grinned innocently.
"Oh. Well as long as you aren't alone. It is only for the weekend. Are you sure you don't want to come.
Do you want us to stay here with you?"
"No I'm fine. Have fun. You deserve it." with that Miyako hugged each member of her family and
skipped to her room.
A few moments later the staring into space Miyako was pulled away from the sky by a ringing call in the apartment. "MIYAKO! DOOR!"
"COMING" she called back in her best cheerful voice. To herself she groaned she wanted to think on her own for a while.
"Oh Ken high!" she chirped in a travesty of her old self in his opinion. Ken grimaced, he knew it.
"Miyako let's go for a walk."
"Well okay Mom I'm going for a walk with a friend." The door shut with a snap and ken whirled to face her.
"Are you really better Miyako?" his intensity frightened her. She unconsciously took a step back, away from her love.
"Uh, why do you ask Ken. Of course I am." she looked into his eyes and recognized something in them. Pain. "What's wrong Ken?" The response was a deep sigh from the tall figure of Ken. He stood almost 4 inches taller than she, a fact which in happier times had been the subject of much play bickering.
"Miyako, please talk to me. Talk to someone. You have problems. I'm sorry I scared you it's just... I'm still worried. The pain doesn't just disappear like you act like it did. I though that that place would help you that's why well , I was all for it, I convinced Kari, who convinced TK and Tai who... Maybe I was wrong about the place but not about this. I know pain and I can see it in you. Talk to me?" He gave a weak smile which under normal circumstances would have floored her.
"Alright Ken" She murmured hollowly, "let's walk."
The park in the twilight was awash in colors and peace coming with the growing deep navy of the sky. The mid summer air was cooling yet still so warm that you didn't just not need a sweater, you could never really recall ever needing one. Two figures walked in silence to a bench, out of the way but not really secluded. There was not need the park was practically deserted. Trees shaded the spot from the ferocity of the setting sun, and gave an illusion of cool. She, her lavender hair fitting the tones of the sunset broke the silence.
"Ken what do you want me to say?"
"Miyako still after almost a month of trying to figure it out I can't understand. Why would you want to die?" Ken forced himself to look directly into those eyes that made him want to cry because they held pain he didn't know how to ease and anger at him for intruding on her. Ken called the determination that he had lost after the Digimon Emperor died.
"Does it matter? They said I'm cured."
"Yes it does. I don't believe them. Look at you! you act happy but the pain in your eyes grows as you pretend to laugh. You are unhappy, angry and worst of all withdrawn. You never hid your feelings. You are worse if anything. You are lying. Where's your sincerity? I know you realize what you did to us. Suicide is the cowards way out. You are strong and caring, you should know that everyone wants to help you. SO TELL ME WHY MIYAKO!"
"FINE!" her outburst, though expected still startled him. " I hate my body. I hate my personality, the big mouth. I hate my stupid self-pity. I hate that I'm not needed any more, that my destiny is over. We fought for the fate of two worlds when I was 13 and what do I have left now. I was love and sincerity and now look at me living lies and hate. I always loved romance, when I got the Digi egg of love I was so happy, but I've never had romance. I actually always hated my sincerity I was just a big mouthed idiot. Now all I do is lie to every one, even me. I didn't want to talk about this. I though maybe I was just being over dramatic. Or else I was afraid that someone would do just what you helped do to me. send me away. I need to be needed by someone. But everything is different. Everyone has some one or at least doesn't need me. Were they wrong or do you just want me gone. Fine Ken I'm going!"
"Miyako." The voice was weak and teary. He sounded so much like a little boy again, a little boy who needed her to comfort him again. To assure him that all was forgiven and that he was kind, that as long as he needed a friend she'd be there. " Miyako I'm sorry, don't go. I need you." She stopped but didn't turn to face him.
"No Ken you don't. You healed quite a while ago. Why would you need me?"
Because I love you! Say it! I, Ken Ichijouji love you Miyako Inoue!. I love you! He froze and doubted.
"I don't know. Um, you know, you're my friend that's it"
Miyako turned and for a second her cold mask fell and she looked about to cry. Intense pain twisted her lovely and now horribly pale face.
"I don't know Ken, about this friendship. You'll never...? I can't be you're friend anymore. I just...gotta go."
Stop her. She's not safe. I can't let her just walk out of my life. Why can't I tell her. I love her. Miyako isn't just my friend.
"Miyako come back!" the girl didn't falter as she walked away from him. Ken reacted to this the way that felt most natural he turned and began to run home, hoping to beat the impending tears. you coward! He screamed at himself. She needs me. she's a danger to herself but he couldn't stop. I just ruined everything. She hates me. an evil in the back of his mind scowled at his weakness. then why do you waste your time with her fool?" The true Ken answered in a way that fit most sensibly as he curled on his bed crying. I love her
For the life of him Ken could not understand why he lied to his first and only love She practically asked me if I loved her and I practically said no. he dried his tears but remained troubled But she'll be better soon and then I'll tell her that I do love her.
He had received very good hints that she loved him to or at least liked him. On one hand he was afraid that her depression loved him that really feelings she had for him were a result of her despair and loneliness. On another side he argued also against a love confession because the timing was off. She needed a friend not a lover . countering this thought was one that said he could be both. Additionally he also, though he forgave himself enough to feel he deserved friendship wasn't sure he deserved....
"Ugh I can't believe I thought I could help her. What would she say if she heard that thought. I've got to live. I can love her more than anything. One day I will tell her. If she ever forgives me. "
Miyako's mind was similarly whirling. What is wrong with me? I feel so hurt. The pain is the only thing that feels alive sometimes. Ken was right I'm not like me. I don't even deserve to be a former digidestined. Where's the sun. And now I lost my one chance at love Ken how could you do this to me? How could you all do this to me. the memory of her friends visit interrupted by the chases out of the room now brought her anger. Not at them for playing but at herself for ever having stopped their happiness. She was blinded by unreal guilt and anger and pain. Eyes flashing she reached behind her stereo without any thought she pried the lid off the little plastic jar and sighed in deranged comfort at the little capsules before tilting her head back and drinking down the bottle. Before, she had swallowed 45 now, although she didn't count, it could be inferred that 55 of the bottle were left. Reaching back again she gripped a small knife. She opened it and held it to her wrist scar cringing at the pain she would soon inflict on herself. She did not cry out as the knife made a shallow cut starting a bit of bleeding.
She paused and suddenly an image of a handsome face framed by dark hair and twisted with grief and sadness flashed before her. She cringed. But the image was only the first. Next a boys face, slightly less handsome in Miyako's eyes flashed before her, spiky hair seeming to droop as tears spilled out of his eyes against his will. Then a pretty girl's face usually neat brown hair mussed as she hastily wiped her eyes and tried to return Miyako's smile. A boy's drawn face attempting to stay calm and collected. as he peered over the hospital bed holding the girl who had been his first crush, was now like a sister and was a friend through the death of his father but now had come close to leaving him of her own free. A blond boy looking angry at the world but at the same time like a little boy who blamed himself that a friend should be so sad and the girl he loved so distraught. Miyako dropped the knife and gasped at more images of her friends. An older girl of flaming red hair cried silently and unrestrainedly as she comforted a brown and big haired boy. A girl in all the latest fashion made a squeaking noise and buried her head into the oldest boy as he pushed his blue hair back and struggled to remain professionally composed and comforting to the girl while he read her medical chart to them all. A red head confused by a situation in which he couldn't use his knowledge to help his friend. Another blonde who was hurt by a friend he had never been close to. Flash! Her mom, dad, sisters, brother. Him, again him looking lost and so scared that she wanted only to comfort him and cease his fears.
"Oh god. Ken was right what's wrong with me. I don't want to die. I don't want to die!" Miyako cried and did the first thing that made sense. She reached for the phone.
RING RING...RING RIN...
"Hello? Miyako?!"
