Chichiri the psychiatrist . . .

Breaking Point
by Kimura
Chapter 8 - Escape

A few days later . . .

Kouji hugged Genrou tightly. "Take care of yourself."

"Yes, mother," Genrou teased.

Kouji smiled, but his stomach was tying itself in knots.

Genrou slung his pack over his shoulder and followed Chichiri down the trail. Kouji watched until they were out of sight.

"So, where are we going?" Genrou asked brightly.

"Wherever we want no da," Chichiri answered with a smile. "Wanderers don't have to have a set destination."

Genrou nodded. "Cool."

"Let me know if you get too tired no da."

Genrou rolled his eyes. "Don't turn into Kouji on me, man."

"Kouji's just worried about you no da."

"He worries too much."

"Think about how he found you no da. He nursed you back to health. You have to forgive him for being overprotective."

Genrou shivered.

Chichiri looked sideways at him, concerned. "You all right no da?"

Genrou shook the memories off and forced a smile. "Yeah, I'm fine."

"If there's anything you need to talk about --"

"I said I'm fine," Genrou replied, trying to keep the impatience out of his voice.

Chichiri didn't push him. He knew timing was crucial and now was not the time to force his friend to talk. He sighed, hoping that he could play his cards right.

~~~

Tasuki cried out in his sleep. "No! Leave me alone!"

Chichiri awoke, confused by the noise. He looked around, then gently shook Tasuki's shoulder. "Tasuki-kun, it's just a dream."

"NO! Don't touch me!" Tasuki shouted, pushing the monk away.

"Tasuki, it's all right no da."

Tasuki opened his eyes, sitting up quickly.

"It's all right, Tasuki-kun," Chichiri said softly, rubbing the redhead's arm.

Tasuki looked around, as if looking for possible attackers. Once he assessed that the woods were safe, his breathing began to slow. "G-Gomen --"

"Don't apologize no da. Daijoubu." He watched the bandit carefully as his breathing returned to normal. His eyes were still darting about a little nervously. "Do you want to talk about it no da?"

"No," Genrou replied immediately. "I'm fine. Sorry to wake you up." He quickly laid back down.

Chichiri sighed inwardly. This is not going to be easy no da.

~~~

"You sure we're not headin' anywhere in particular?" Genrou asked as he and Chichiri walked around a day later. "This place seems kind of familiar."

Chichiri shrugged. "I didn't have anywhere in mind no da."

Genrou looked around, trying to place the surroundings. It's just been too long since I've been out here, he thought. It'll come back to me a few minutes. I've been cooped up for too damn long --

Tasuki stopped dead, staring at what was in front of him.

Chichiri stood quietly beside him, awaiting his reaction.

He was quite displeased when Tasuki turned and punched him across the face.

The monk was caught so off guard that he lost his balance and fell to the ground.

"FUCK YOU!" Tasuki screamed, tears pouring down his face. "The FUCK you didn't know where we were going!" The redhead turned away from the bridge he'd fallen off four months ago.

Chichiri quickly jumped to his feet and grabbed the bandit's arm. "You've been running from the truth for too long no da. Now you're going to face it."

"Fuck you!" Tasuki shouted, squirming out of Chichiri's grasp. "It's my life, so you stay the hell out of it!"

When Chichiri reached out again, Tasuki broke into a run. The monk caught up to him before he could gain much momentum and wrestled him to the ground.

By this point, Tasuki was crying so hard he couldn't put up much of a fight. "What do you want from me!? Just leave me ALONE!"

The monk had his wrists pinned to the ground and was leaning over him. "I don't want to hurt you no da. But you've got to talk about this. It's killing you!"

Anger again flared up in the bandit. "FUCK YOU! LET ME GO!"

Swiftly, before Tasuki could use the chance to escape, Chichiri used one hand to remove his mask. A few tears were trickling down his own face. Having to do this to his friend was killing him.

Tasuki struggled more desperately than before. Chichiri had to use his magic to help keep the bandit down. "Let me GO! You don't know what they did to me! You don't KNOW!"

"Then TELL me no da! Please!"

"NO!"

"If you don't try, no da, Makara wins. You'll never get over what he did to you and it will haunt you forever. If you want to defeat him, you've got to come to terms with it."

Another course of sobs racked the bandit's frame. "I can't!"

"Yes you can no da! I'll help you!"

"NO! I CAN'T!"

"You're not going anywhere until you talk no da. I could keep you here all night."

"Kouji," Tasuki whimpered softly.

"He can't help you no da. You need to face this."

Tasuki met Chichiri's eye. "I HATE YOU! I FUCKING HATE YOU!"

The monk remained calm. "It's not me you hate, no da. Who do you hate?"

After struggling for a minute, Tasuki gasped out, "Makara!"

"Why? What's the worst thing he did to you?"

Tasuki continued to struggle, then shouted, "He killed him!" He burst into even harder sobs. "He killed him."

The monk at last released the bandit and tried to soothe him. "Who no da? Who did he kill?"

"One of th-th-the g-guards tried to help me . . ." Tasuki sobbed, his face brick red from the exertion. "After Makara carved his name into my b-back . . . he found out and . . . he killed him! He FUCKING killed him! Right in front of me! He was only trying to help me . . . why did he do it?"

Chichiri held his friend tightly. "Shhh, no da. Shhh, it's over now."

Thank God, the blue-haired seishi thought. That's the first step. He silently held Tasuki until he cried himself to sleep.

~~~

Chichiri awoke in the middle of the night. He couldn't figure out what had woken him until he realized that Tasuki was gone.

He jumped to his feet, sensing for his fellow seishi's chi. He swallowed hard as he followed the chi down to the bridge.

The bandit was sitting on the side of the stone bridge, his legs dangling over the side. Silent tears tracked down his handsome face.

"Tasuki-kun?"

The redhead did not reply.

Chichiri slowly came up beside him. "What're you doing no da?"

The bandit smirked. "Going to back to where everything started. Isn't that what you wanted me to do? I'm facing it, aren't I?"

"No, I don't think you are no da."

Tasuki looked down at the swirling waters. "I could end it all right here."

Chichiri tensed. "Why no da?"

"Because I'm tired, damn it. I'm tired of fighting this thing."

"You're not in this alone no da. Kouji and I can help you. Look at how far you've come already."

"Oh yeah, I still cry myself to sleep every night. That's real fucking progress!"

"You can't judge by that no da --"

"NO! Enough! I can't take it anymore! Just leave me alone and let me die!"

"I can't do that no da," Chichiri said softly. "I promised Kouji I'd take care of you."

Tasuki winced at the sound of his friend's name. His death would kill Kouji. But I just can't do this anymore! He moved a little closer to the edge.

"Tasuki. You are a Suzaku Seishi. You can't kill yourself. The others all died fighting for what was right and they expect no less of you. You can't give up! Fight for them and Kouji, if you won't for yourself!"

Tasuki shook his head, not listening. "It's over."

"You can win no da! You can go back to the way you were. It's just going to take time. Don't give up now!"

"SHUT UP!" Tasuki screamed. "I'm tired, okay?! I can't do it! And I'm tired of everyone pushing me! Just leave me ALONE!" He pushed himself off the bridge, welcoming the feeling of the air around him.

Chichiri grabbed his wrist and he slammed into the side of the stone bridge, bringing him rudely back to reality. Tasuki winced, re-injuring his healing ribs. "Fuck!"

The monk used his magic to pull the stunned bandit back onto the bridge. Angrily, he forced Tasuki back to the campsite and tied him securely to a tree. He ignored the curses the redhead screamed into the early hours of the morning.

~~~

By the time Chichiri began fixing breakfast, Tasuki had lost his voice completely. He refused to eat anything Chichiri gave him. The monk just sighed and waited patiently.

"I'll let you go once you promise to not to kill yourself no da," the blue-haired seishi said simply.

It was another three hours before Tasuki finally whispered, "I promise I won't kill myself. I give my word as a seishi."

Satisfied, Chichiri untied him and gave him some food and water. The two remained silent for a long time.

Chichiri knew the bandit would talk when he was ready and able. He didn't need to push him now.

It wasn't until after dinner, that conversation started again. Tasuki still had to talk very softly.

"How are we going to do this?" Tasuki asked.

"One step at a time," Chichiri told him gently. "I want you to tell me as much as you can about what happened so you can learn to deal with it. You'll only get better if you acknowledge that it happened no da."

Tasuki nodded, keeping his eyes on the fire. "Do I have to tonight?"

"No, no da," Chichiri told him. "You just rest tonight."

Tasuki shivered in the fading light. Chichiri silently removed his kesa and wrapped around the redhead's shoulders.

The two again lapsed into silent and watched the sun be replaced by the stars.

~~~

Chichiri watched Tasuki carefully the next morning, waiting for him to speak. The bandit waited until after breakfast. The tension in his body could be clearly seen. Every muscle was on edge and he was unable to sit still.

"Tasuki-kun," Chichiri said once they had eaten. "Lie down no da."

Tasuki looked at him, obviously on guard. "What for?"

The monk sighed a little. "So you can relax, baka."

"Oh," the bandit replied, feeling a little stupid. He laid down on the grass, feeling the slight incline on his back. He closed his eyes.

"Just relax no da and breathe slowly."

Tasuki did as he was told, glad at not having to talk much yet.

"Listen to the sounds around you no da. Listen to your body, your heartbeat."

The tension left Tasuki's body a little as he lay there, listening to the wind rustling the trees softly. Gods I love being up here, he thought. It's so different from being down in the city.

"Now, I want you to just talk no da. I don't care what you talk about, just talk and don't stop."

Tasuki opened one eye to look at the monk quizzically, but Chichiri's eye was closed and he seemed to be concentrating.

Tasuki closed his eyes and tried to think of something to talk about. Well, if I don't have to talk about that bastard Makara, then I won't.

"You know, I think we should bring Tama up here sometime. It's so different up here, I think he'd like it. You can't stay a city kid your whole life. You gotta get out. That's why the bandits stick together so well. There's something about the woods; it gets in your blood or some shit like that. I wouldn't wanna live anywhere else." He paused to take a breath. He decided to blurt his thoughts out loud. "Ya know, it's really weird talkin' like this. I mean why, do ya just want me to talk about anything? Oh wait, you can't answer because I'm supposed to be talkin'. Oh well, I guess I'll just keep goin' then. Shit, what do I talk about now? I'm runnin' out of things . . . Hmmm." He swallowed. "I miss Kouji. It's kinda weird. I thought I'd be glad to get away from him motherin' me, but now . . . I almost miss it. Kuso, I sound like a baby or something. I can take care of myself, damn it!" He sighed, trying to calm back down.

"That's all right no da. If you want to get angry, that's okay."

"I feel . . . I feel so fucking weak! I don't wanna be this way. I don't want to have to lean on anyone or be a burden to someone. I mean, fuck, some days Kouji would be dead on his feet, but he would still take care of me. I wish he hadn't stretched himself like that."

"Would you do the same for him no da?"

"Shit yeah," Tasuki replied, almost without thinking. "I guess that makes sense. We just . . ." He paused.

"Go ahead no da."

He took a deep breath. "We care about each other too much to let stuff like this happen. But . . . I don't know if I coulda been as strong as he was. I mean, he was there when I puked my guts out and when I stopped talking and when I broke my leg . . . I don't know if I coulda been that strong. How did he do it?"

The monk didn't answer.

Tasuki sighed. "I'm tired of making him worry, though. I just . . . I want him to think about himself. I just know that he's back there, pacing up and down, worrying about me. I don't want him to worry anymore. I want . . . I wanna somehow convince that I'm okay now, that I can take care of myself."

"Is that true no da?"

"Well, not completely. But he doesn't need to know that. I just don't want him to worry anymore."

"He'll get better over time no da."

"And he probably feels fuckin' guilty about this whole thing." Tasuki sighed explosively.

"Why is that no da?"

Tasuki took a deep breath. "Well, Makara's men had me hangin' over the bridge. Kouji grabbed onto me, but they attacked him and he was forced to drop me. He . . . he probably blames himself."

"Do you no da?"

"Of course not!" He waited for the monk to say something else, when he didn't he went on. "And I know nothing I say to him will make it better. Damn, why does he have to be so fuckin' stubborn?!" Again, he waited for Chichiri to make a response which never came. "I wanna kill Makara for what he put Kouji through! He thought I was fuckin' dead! I just . . . I can't wait to wring his scrawny little neck."

"What about what he did to you no da?"

Tasuki got very quiet. "Nothing I could do to him would ever pay him back for that."

"Was it just what he did to you physically that makes you angry?"

Tasuki swallowed. "Can I talk about something else?"

"Will you talk about that later no da?"

"Yeah."

"All right, then. Let's go back to Kouji no da."

"Okay. Ummm . . . I just . . . I'm glad he was there for me, but I also wish he hadn't seen me like that."

"Why not no da?"

"I don't want him to think I'm weak."

"Tasuki-kun, anyone would be weak after what you went through. In fact, you're fortunate you lived through it no da."

"Yeah, but that still doesn't mean I wanted him to see me like that." He sighed, drifting a little back into his memories. "Every night I would pray for him to find me, to somehow realize I wasn't dead. I thought maybe he'd be able to feel it, like Seishi can. But he couldn't." Tasuki stopped talking before any more bitterness could creep into his voice.

Chichiri leaned forward. "Are you angry at him no da?"

Tasuki bit his lip.

"It's all right no da. Just let it come out."

"But I feel fucking horrible!" Tasuki shouted, sitting up suddenly. "I mean what kind of asshole would resent the guy that saved his life?! How could I fuckin' ask for more?! What's wrong with me?!"

Chichiri put a hand on his shoulder. "Feelings don't always have logical reasons no da."

"But I . . . I was mad at him. For not knowing I wasn't dead, for not coming sooner before Makara . . . destroyed me. But . . ." He impatiently brushed away his tears. "That's not being fair to him!"

"Tasuki-kun, you've had a terrible experience. You want to blame someone, lash out at someone. You're blaming yourself as much as you're blaming Kouji no da. You can't punish Makara, so you'll punish others. It's unfocused anger. But that you've acknowledged it is very good. Now, obviously while you were being held you got angry at Kouji. But now he's done a lot for you and that anger is no longer appropriate. You're just feeling it because you're frustrated and can't take it out on the person who deserves it. Does that make sense no da?"

Tasuki nodded, drying his tears.

"We'll stop for today no da." He rubbed Tasuki's shoulder. "You did well no da."

~~~

What is it with me and edge metaphors? Bah.