Robbie, doped up on Pepto-bismol, had been set the task of writing a song encouraging teenage girls to rebel against Microsoft, and help us to take over the world. After only five minutes, the song was complete.

"It's finished!" He proclaimed proudly.

"Already? What kind of shockingly bad song could be written in five minutes?" I asked.

"A Robbie Williams song," he replied, winking.

"Okay, let's hear it..."

Robbie cleared his throat, and as his mouth opened, the following poured out:

"Oooooooh, baby!
You know Microsoft is bad,
If you use it you must be mad!
Hey, hey! I know I hate it,
Anyone who touches it is a git.

Ooooooooh, Microsoft!
Ooooooooh, it really sucks!
Bill Gates is a smelly poo-poo,
Microsoft smells of doggy doo-doo!
(Oooooooooooooooh)..."

"Okay, I believe I've heard enough!" I yelled, covering my ears. "It's perfect. Get down to the recording studio with some of Smiley's goons and get that song out to the masses! This, my dear Mr Williams, shall be your finest hour."

****

A matter of hours later, and the finished song was sitting on the shelves of every record store around America and Britain. Just half an hour later, and it had become Robbie Williams' fastest selling single. Teenage girls everywhere were hanging on their idol's every word. Even they could understand the meaning behind the song. Although initially wary of the song - they were unused to listening to something with at least some sort of meaning in it - they soon grew to love it. Grabbing all their Microsoft products, they ran into the streets and burned them.

Huge bonfires were everywhere. CDs; mouses; keyboards; mousemats; novelty mugs; all burning on their pyres. It was a grim day in the world of the computer industry... well, it wasn't really. The smaller companies who had been crushed by Microsoft's monopoly on the industry were now free. There was much rejoicing in the offices of these companies. They were grateful to whomever had aided the liberation they had been desperately trying to bring about over the years of Bil Gates's rise to power. Now they wanted nothing more than to find this person and hail them as a God. When I say they wanted nothing more than this, I lie. They also wanted an onion bagel with cream cheese, as thoughts of worship had made them very hungry. After the discovery of the perfect bagels, the companies set about what was to inevitably be a long and arduous voyage of discovery.

****

"Ho ho ho," I chuckled.

"What are you laughing about?" Mr Smiley snapped, "do you think you're Santa Claus or something? Well, I've got news for you, kid: you ain't."

"Not at all. But I've just been using Microsoft's new software called "50 Yu0 \/\/4nn4 b3 a 1337 H4x0r?" and - "

"Wait!" Smiley interrupted, "What in tarnation does that mean?"

"My apologies. I believe - roughly translated from 'hax0r speak" - it reads "So you want to be an elite hacker?" Now, as I was saying. This software enables its user to access many, many forbidden files and e-mails. Useful material, I'm sure you'll agree, for any budding 12-year-old hacker."

"Yes, yes. But you try my patience! What has this to do with the cause?"

"I was getting to that. Using this software, I have been able to access the e-mails of some of Microsoft's competitors. They are very pleased with our work, Smiley, very pleased indeed. They want to worship us as Gods. We are very close to victory!"

Mr Smiley noted the wild gleam in my eyes and laughed, "yes, I can smell the sweet scent of victory."

Pouring two glasses of freshly squeezed orange juice - we needed to buff up our intake of Vitamin C - we drank and cackled long into the night.

-----

Hmm. This chapter began promisingly enough, I believe, but I'm not happy with the rest of it. I may re-write it later, if I feel I can improve on it.