Disclaimer: Nope, don't own 'em, probably never will!
Holding On: Part One
A cool breeze drifts through the window, smelling of fresh
rain on pavement. It feels good against my hot forehead, helping me to
forget the pain inside. Bright stars can just be seen through the lights
of the city, and I remember the days when I used to wish upon them, hoping
that all my dreams would come true some day. But that's all fantasy, wishing
gets you no where in life, doesn't protect you at all, as I have learned.
As my mother used to tell me, 'If all our wishes came true, we'd all be
angels and life would be dull.' That sounds nice, to be an angel, never
feel hurt or betrayal, never want again, but of course that is impossible.
I'm no angel, no matter how many times Taichi calls me one, especially
now.
Man, my head hurts so bad. It's pounding, feeling as if
my head is about to explode. It is one of the outcomes of being beaten
almost to death. Pain, it will never leave me. I do have medicine for my
headaches, but I don't know which is worse, the ail or the cure. The pills
that they gave to me leave me with a major nauseous feeling and makes my
whole body ache. Tonight I'm just letting the headache work itself out,
even if they usually last for hours. And my head isn't the only effect
that the attack had on me. I have an extreme case of claustrophobia, probably
from that small dark alleyway, and have some troubles breathing sometimes.
But the worse out of them all is the memories. Even after all these weeks,
they haven't faded even a little. I can recall every horrible detail of
that night, the night they took everything from me, not that I try to remember.
They are especially bad in my sleep, causing terrible and realistic nightmares,
making me live it all over again. I have pills for those too, which I do
take every night. Basically, I'm a mess. Sure things are starting to go
back to 'normal', but nothing will be the same again.
Sometimes.... late at night, while fighting off the worse
of migraines, I wish that I had just died then, that's how depressed and
hurt I still am. But don't worry, I won't die, I won't let myself go like
that, not for a long time anyway. You see, I'm not alone with my pain,
only at night which is when those lonely thoughts come. I have Taichi here
for me, first and foremost. He's been with me the whole way through, ever
since he made his mistake of running from me. I don't know what I would
do without him, and most likely I would be dead by now if it wasn't for
him. But Taichi won't let me die, he's by my side almost everyday, comforting
me when the headaches or memories hit hard. I just love the way his arms
hold me tight, warming me to the bone, his strong hands rubbing my back
lightly while he whispers sweet loving words in my ear. I'm in love with
Taichi Kamiya, and I don't give a damn that he's a guy or what everyone
else thinks about that. Well, maybe I am a little afraid of what others
might feel about this whole gay issue, but I've never been so sure about
anything in my life than this deep bond I share with my Taichi. He'll protect
me always, and when he needs it as well, I can comfort and help him too.
Even when my energetic boyfriend is not around, I still
have my father and brother. Although I don't see them as often as I'd like
as my father needs to work a lot to pay for our food and rent, and Takeru,
my brother, doesn't even live with me. For the past few days I haven't
even left the house, just too tired and depressed, and even Taichi hasn't
been able to get me to cheer up very much. Maybe I'm just bored or something,
but even more lately I have been feeling an emptiness inside of me. I think
it is from what was taken from me, something that I will never get back.
Those assholes who attacked me that fateful night, also raped me as their
main goal. I lost my virginity to those dirty bastards without having any
say in it at all. And it hurt, physically as well as mentally and emotionally.
That was something I had wanted to wait for before losing, wait for the
perfect person, like Taichi, and give it up willingly in an experience
that didn't tear me to pieces along with it. Now I can't even think about
sex without just about going into seizures and a faint. I just hope Taichi
won't leave me because of my fear, 'though he did promise.
Sighing, I lean my head on the window sill while kneeling
on my bed and close my eyes against the pounding. This was going to be
another long, lonely night in which sleep would be a long time coming.
And tomorrow will be like all the other days, boring and pointless and
filled with more pain and sorrow. I hope Taichi comes by early, he always
knows how to take away my pain.
~*~
"Yama... chan... time to, mmm, wake... up..." I came out
of a deep sleep to the feeling of kisses showering my face and neck, a
pleasant feeling that I could get used to. Blinking against the early morning
sunlight coming through the window, I find myself staring at a small blue
bird sitting straight in front of me, tilting it's tiny head to the side
as if it was just as confused. Then I remembered my migraine during the
night, I must have fallen asleep here at the window at some point. Turning
my head, my eyes lock onto the deep chocolate brown ones that I love so
much. If I stare in those eyes hard enough, I can see all the shades of
brown swirling together in a delicious blend, and I melt every time I look
in them.
Taichi just staring back into my eyes with a dazed expression,
and I wonder what he's thinking about, "Taichi?" He blinks at my voice,
coming out of his trance.
"Oh Angel, do you know just how beautiful you are?" Reaching
over he cups my chin in the palm of his right hand, leaning in closer to
me. I just shake my head slightly at his question, he asks me that a lot,
and tells me everyday that I'm beautiful. It just warms me right through,
but I really don't deserve those compliments. "Oh but you are... so lovely
to look at... I could stare all day at you and never get bored," Taichi
breaths, his lips only inches from my own. I don't resist in the least,
overwhelmed with emotions, as he slides closer, brushing his lips against
mine. Then just as he started to press harder and make it real, a yell
interrupts us.
"Kamiya! I told you to get my boy up and ready! No fooling
around, you hear me?" My dad's voice came through the open door.
Taichi fell back with a sheepish grin and rubbed his head,
"heh, sorry. I guess I just got caught up in the moment." I just nod back
and raise a questioning eyebrow. "Oh... right. Um, you're supposed to get
dressed and go to the kitchen for some breakfast."
Confused, I look over at the alarm clock by the bed and
see that it's only 7:00 am. "Why'd you wake me up so early?" I yawn, suddenly
realizing how tired I really am after staying up so late last night. Then
I shut my mouth quickly as a black sweatshirt is hurtled into my face.
And then a pair of pants follows it. Throwing them off of me, I give Taichi
one of my famous death glares, "Man Taichi, you're out of your mind. I'm
too tired for this, getting next to no sleep last night. Just come back
later, like this evening or something." And with that I flop down into
my pillow and pull the blankets over me.
Before I can even get warmed up, the blankets are whipped
right off of me, and two hands are hauling me to my feet. Taichi grabs
my shirt and yanks it off in one swift motion. "Hey! Let me go Taichi!
Stop it!" But does he ever listen to me? No, instead he grabs the fresh
shirt and try's to pull it over my head while I'm trying to push him away.
The problem is that Taichi is a lot stronger than me, and soon he gets
his way. But before he can even start towards my boxers, I wriggle out
of his grasp and make my escape through the door. I love that boy, but
man, he can be such a pain!
"Hey, what's going on with you two? How long does it take
to change clothes?" My father grumbles as he's setting plates on the table.
Just as I'm about to run by him, he grabs me by the arm and pushes me into
a chair, "Sit. Eat. Your going to be late if you keep this up." Late? For
what? I had no plans for today as far as I knew. Staring at the mushy omelet
in front of me, I decide that I have no appetite. My dad was never a very
good cook. Taichi strolls into the kitchen, ignoring my dad's glares, and
plops down beside me, instantly gobbling up all of his meal. That bottomless
pit could eat out of a dumpster and still be happy! He turns and grins
at me, then frowns when he notices I haven't even touched my meal. I don't
care, I'm just not hungry, and I'm going back to sleep. If my dad and Taichi
want to act all mysterious and stuff, then they can go right ahead, but
count me out. Slipping out of my chair without saying a word to either
of them, I was just about to head to my bedroom when Taichi finally lets
out what's going on.
"Yama, wait. School starts in half an hour, we can't be
late."
"We?" I frown at him.
The cheerful boy just grinned, "Well yeah, you didn't
think you were going to skip another day of school did ya? We've missed
too much already, and you're getting lazy just hanging around here all
day. So hurry up and get ready."
School. I had to go back there already? But *they* were
from my school! And there's so many people there, everyone knows what happened
to me. I didn't want to go back yet, I liked being lazy much better. Running
out of the room and slamming my bedroom door shut behind me, I stood in
the middle of my room thinking. Maybe it wouldn't be that bad, but what
if everybody hated me? I mean, not many people like fags like me at that
school, that's why I had never told anyone before. I've seen this one younger
boy get beat up almost everyday because people had found out he was gay.
What if it happened to me? I've had my ass (and much more) kicked enough
for my life time, thank you very much!
"Yama-chan?" I ignored him, willing him to just leave
me here. But Taichi never leaves me alone anymore, and instead I feel his
warm arms wrap around my stomach and his chin lean on my shoulder. "I love
you Yama-chan, and I'll make sure that no one hurts you. I promise." He
whispered in my ear. I lean back into his body and try not to shake. I'm
scared. Plain and simple. I wouldn't admit that of course, and I hated
that feeling, but I've been very scared of everything that could hurt me
ever since I was attacked, raped and beaten. And I have every right to
be. It's why I never go for those walks that I always loved to take in
the park by myself, or go anywhere outside alone, someone is always with
me. I'm also frightened of any stranger, whether I'm alone or not, until
I get to really know them, and school is full of strange kids that I don't
know. My life is so messed up right now, more than anyone can guess since
I tend to keep a lot of it to myself.
Fortunately for Taichi, he is keeping quiet at the moment
and letting me think this all through. He may be loud and annoying at times,
but he knows when to keep his mouth shut when there's cause. I know he
wants to help me in every way possible, and really wants me to start getting
out more and on with my life. He hates to see me depressed and withdrawn.
So for Taichi's sake, just because of how he has stood by me no matter
how stupid I've been acting, I'll give it a shot. Ducking out of his arms,
I kept my back to him so he wouldn't see how strained my face was, and
picked up the pants from the floor. "all right, I'll go, but only because
you want me to." I told him quietly, already knowing that this was probably
going to turn into disaster. He doesn't know about my fear of crowds and
strangers yet, but I don't want to worry him even more.
"Thanks Yama, and don't worry, it'll be fine. You'll see.
At least it's got to be more interesting than hanging around here all day
with nothing to do." I just nodded silently, and he continued, "Okay, get
dressed and get your school stuff together. I'll go beg some money from
your dad for lunch. Come out when you're ready and we'll leave, but try
not to be too long." Taichi came over and gave me a gentle kiss on the
cheek before squeezing my arm comfortingly and leaving the room. I couldn't
help but let a small smile escape, Taichi was always the leader, giving
out orders and sharing his plans. I used to fight all the time with him
over his leadership during the digiworld adventure because I hated being
told what to do. It was different now though, I still argue sometimes,
but it gives me a sense of security with the way he's able to handle any
situation with ease and can be decisive when I need him to be.
Slipping on my pants, I went into the bathroom and started
with my hair. I hadn't actually been paying much attention to it lately,
but since I was going to be seen by so many people today, I didn't want
it to scare them. Setting to work with my gel and comb, I took the time
to make sure every strand was in place, just like I had used to. It was
a distraction for me, a way to keep my mind off of everything that had
happened in my life. Before I knew it, someone was knocking on the door
and Taichi's voice came through asking what the hell was taking me so long.
Quickly I added some final touches and went back out.
Taichi was waiting by the door with both of our bags,
fidgeting as usual. He's always so impatient. Dad came out of the kitchen,
"You guys leaving finally?" We nodded, "Well, have a good day, and Matt?"
I looked over at him, "If you start feeling sick or anything happens, I
want you to come straight home and phone me, okay?"
"Sure dad, I will." He's been worried about me, and I
don't blame him, but he doesn't usually show it. Grabbing my bag from Taichi,
we left the house and hurried towards the high school which was only about
five minutes away.
The school is pretty big and new, and when we finally
reached it I saw the hundreds of kids that went there all crowding the
yard. The fear in my stomach grew, until it felt like I was going to gag,
but I didn't want Taichi to know. He was hoping that going to school would
help me get on with my life, and I know he really wants to help me, so
pushing down the awful feeling I followed behind him a little ways and
tried not to attract attention to myself. Of course, the problem with that
is that it is common knowledge around our school that I was beat up and
raped, and so everybody knew who I was. Only a couple of feet through the
school gates, a red headed girl saw me and screamed over to all her friends
while pointing. Wincing a bit, I tried to duck behind Taichi and hopefully
dodge them, but before I knew it, Taichi was pushed out of the way and
I was surrounded by what seemed hundereds of females.
All of the girls were talking at once, saying how sorry
they were for me, and did it hurt much, and how they had prayed everyday
for my well being, and would I go on a fucking date with them? The voices
all ran together, and a headache already started to form in my poor head.
Their hands were reaching over and touching me as much as possible. There
was no space to move, shit, I can't breath! No air, I can't stand closed
in spaces, my claustrophobia was one of the worst cases but I hadn't realized
how bad until now. I couldn't breath, I couldn't move, all I could do was
stand there frozen on the verge of freaking out. I have to get out of here,
I have to get some air, but there's no where to go. My head started feeling
as if there was a hammer bouncing around in it, and my vision was swimming.
Just as I felt like I was going to scream and go out of control, the girls
beside me were shoved aside. I could here some one yelling at them, threats
and telling them to get the hell away from me. Then he was beside me, yelling
desperately in my ear, but I couldn't respond, I was working on trying
to get in air to my lungs. Finally the wall of people dispersed and there
was air around me, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get enough.
Finally it came in quick small gasps, but the cool air cleared my head
a bit. Blinking the black dots in my vision away, I realized with horror
that I was down on the ground clutching my head and a teacher was crouched
in front of me asking what was wrong. Taichi was beside me, his arm around
my shoulders while saying my name over and over. I looked up at him, and
saw tears in his frightened eyes. Looking around, I saw that the whole
school's population had stopped what they were doing and were all scattered
around staring at me and whispering among each other.
What the hell is the matter with me? I had always been
surrounded by a girl fan club when I was here before, they followed me
through the halls all the time. Why had I flipped out like that? Damn it,
I made a fool of myself, I'm such a fucking scaredy cat! Now they'll be
gossiping and spreading rumors for the rest of my life. It was too much,
I couldn't face this, not right now, I made the biggest fool of myself.
Shakily, I stood up out of Taichi's arms, and ran. That's right, I hightailed
it out of there, away their prying eyes and whispers, away from their pity
and loathing. Behind me, Taichi yelled out for me to wait, but I didn't
want to face him either. I hadn't told him about my fear of small spaces,
and now that he knew he would think me even more of a wuss than he already
does and pity me even more. I didn't want his sympathy, or their pity,
I just wanted everything to go back to normal again. I hate what had happened
to me, and I hate myself for taking it so hard, for being so scared.
I ran down the street, blinded by tears, not a clue as
to where I was going. Then I realized that I was alone with no one familiar
around, and I ran out of sheer terror. Who knows what kind of people are
around here, just waiting to pounce on me. My lungs felt about to burst,
and I really couldn't see anything, but then I was slammed into someone.
Hitting the pavement hard, I curled up, gasping and crying. Why am I so
damned scared? Hearing a curse beside me, then a gasp, I tried to bury
myself in the cement, scared that that awful night was about to repeat
itself. I didn't care that not everyone was like that, it was just a feeling
in me that everyone was out to get me.
"Holy shit, Matt? What the hell happened to you?" I knew
that voice, lord I knew him. He wasn't going to hurt me. With a cry of
relief I sprang up and practically flung myself into Daisuke's arms, burying
my head in his shoulder and trying to stop shaking. I hated him seeing
me like this, but I was just so happy to see a familiar face. I felt him
stiffen a bit, then his arms went around me awkwardly, "It's okay Matt,
don't worry, nobody's going to hurt you. Did somebody hurt you?"
Daisuke can be a block head at times, and has made a fool of himself more
times than anyone can count, but like Taichi, he knew when to be serious.
My brother said Daisuke could be really caring and kind when he wanted
to be, which he was proving at the moment.
It took my a few minutes to calm down, and when I did,
I pushed away embarrassed. Again I had made myself look like a baby in
front of someone. Wiping away the last tears on my face, I looked down
at the ground and shivered. I felt his arm wrap around my back and Daisuke
started leading me down the street slowly, "I was just headed to Takeru's
house, and I think that maybe it'd be best if you came too. We have the
day off from school, by the way." Then he went on talking about nothing
in particular, just filling the silence with small talk, for which I was
glad, as we went towards my brother's place.
~*~
"Matt! What are you doing here?" A surprised Takeru asked
when he answered the door. I just gave him a quick smile, then walked past
him to the couch and fell deep into it's cushions. I was exhausted, and
I lay with my face buried in the cushion, drifting off to sleep as I listened
to the two younger boys near by.
"What happened Dai?" Takeru's voice was filled with worry
and I heard him walk over to me and sit on the couch arm.
"I don't know..." Daisuke explained how he had found me,
but I didn't hear the rest of the conversation as I fell into a deep sleep.
I should have known better than that though, no matter how tired I was,
I should have thought to take a pill first. I never go to sleep without
one, because if I do it all comes back, worse than ever...
~
'W...what do you want?"
'Sorry blondy, no time to explain, you'll find out soon
enough.' They had me surrounded, and I knew exactly what was coming. God
please no, I can't go through this again. They're closing in, evil grins
on all dark faces, the familiar fear is rising like bile in my throat.
Can't breath, pain, it's all pain. They're taking me again,
please stop... please, the pain is shooting up in waves. I can't stand
pain, please don't do this, it hurts, it hurts! Their jeers and taunts
reach my ears, and all I can do is squirm and groan with the pain. I hate
this world, let me go, it's so cruel!
Taichi... love... come back to me, please, please don't
leave me! I need you...
Oh Lord, the pain is too much, their dirty hands all over
me, taking away a piece of my soul.
Please... I can't take this anymore... just let me die!
Fucking let me go to hell, end this misery, the fear, the pain.
"Yama... Oh God, Yamato, please wake up..." Taichi, why'd
you leave me? You left me all alone, you hate me. The pain is getting to
be too much, it's exploding through my body. My eyes shoot open, wide with
pain, screaming out loud I scramble away from the attackers, trying to
escape. "Yamato! Calm down, it's okay it was just a dream." No! No it's
not okay! They hurt me Taichi, you can't understand how much they hurt
me. It's more than the physical pain, what they took from me... I can never
get that back.
(A/N) I split this up into two parts, just because it
was so long... so keep reading ^_^