Holding On: Part Two
I ended up falling off of the couch with a thud, but by then I realized that I was awake, it was over, for now. Sobbing into the carpet, I ignore Taichi's soothing words and comforting touch, I just want to get away from the pain forever. People get raped all the time, why am I taking this so hard? I just can't help it, I really can't, I'm more afraid everyday.
Taichi, with his arm still around my back, started yelling at my brother who must be standing near by, "Don't you ever think Takeru! Why the hell did you let him go to sleep? Is it too much to remind him, get him to take one fucking pill?! You know what happens, baka, you know very well he shouldn't go to sleep!"
"Hey, leave him alone Tai! It's not Takeru's fault, Yamato wanted to sleep and so he did. He knew as well as any one to take his medicine, he's a big boy Tai!" My brother's boyfriend yelled in Takeru's defense.
"Fuck you Daisuke! This is your fault too, you could have helped, and now look what happened!" Oh God, this is all my fault. I shouldn't have gone to sleep, I shouldn't have even gone to school. They were all fighting because of me.
Then Takeru joined the yelling match, "If you were so worried about him, then maybe you shouldn't have left him in the first place. When it all comes down to it, this is your fault, you were the one who ran in the very beginning, and you were the one who left him for those bastards to get, so you are the cause of the nightmares, don't start blaming us!" Did he just say what I thought he did? How can Takeru be so stupid as to bring that up! Oh no, this is my fault, not Taichi's.
The room fell into deadly silence, and I could practically feel the glares shooting between them and the tension crackling through the air. Taichi was gripping my arm so hard it felt like it was going to bruise. Finally he pulled me up, and I opened my eyes. Taichi avoided eye contact with me, and instead helped me silently to my feet. "Come on Yamato, I'm taking you home now." Lord, his voice was so cold and emotionless. I followed without a word, but as Taichi stepped through the door, I turned around and gave my brother a threatening glare that told him he was going to get a hard reprimand from me later for ever bringing that subject up. Takeru mouthed a sorry and dropped his gaze while Daisuke looked just as ashamed.
We were silent for the whole walk back, while I followed behind Taichi, watching his stiff back. Now he's going to be feeling even more guilty than ever, figuring that this is really his fault. I know he just pretends to have forgiven himself, I can see the guilt and pain in his eyes when ever he looks at me.
When we got to the steps leading my apartment building, Taichi stopped and turned around to look at me, "What happened at the school Yamato?" I could hear the worry and hurt in his voice.
I knew he wouldn't leave off until I told him, "It was nothing... just can't stand being closed in, that's all." I muttered quietly while studying the ground at my feet. It wasn't like I ever lied to him, I just held back certain information that I thought would hurt him.
He sighed a few steps above me, "Why didn't you tell me? I thought the headaches and your nightmares were the only thing left, and now you have claustrophobia? You have to let me know, Yama-chan, if you don't, you could get hurt even more. And I don't want to hurt you either. I would never have brought you to school today if I knew you hated the crowds." Taichi had come back down to my level and wrapped his arms around my back in apology and comfort. I leaned against his chest and closed my eyes, taking in his scent of fruit and minty cologne.
"Gomen," I whisper into his jacket, "I just didn't want you to worry so much about me. I really am sorry."
I heard him sigh against my hair as he rubbed my back like he usually does, "No, don't be sorry, it's not liked I really asked. And I can't help worrying, but it might help if I knew everything so I could know that you're all right. Is there anything else wrong that I should know about?"
My head started to shake a negative, but then that would be lying to him and I needed him to trust me, so instead I just sighed in reluctance and gave a small nod. Taichi didn't answer, he just turned around with an arm around my back and led me up the stairs and to the elevator, away from the public eye. I didn't look at him once on the way up, worried that he might be mad at me for keeping things from him. He wouldn't stay angry, if he was, though. He was just being overly concerned and protective again, and although that annoyed the hell out of me sometimes, it also gave me comfort and a safe feeling. Taichi would always be here for me, I'm pretty sure, as he had promised me he would never run away from me again.
I let myself be led to the my door and unlocked it with the key. When we got inside, Taichi shut the door behind us and gently pulled me towards the couch where we could talk. Sitting down, he still didn't speak, just watched me carefully, being patient for once in his life. I stared at my hands guiltily, then started to tell him the few other things that I was afraid of, "It's... well... my claustrophobia is really, really bad. When I get into a space that I can't get out of, like all those girls back there, I... I can't breath or move. It's like all the air as left, and I'm falling. You had thankfully managed to clear most of them away before I totally freaked. I might have hurt someone. I'm also... also afraid of... of anyone I don't know well. Like... like all those kids at school really scared the hell out of me, and... and when I... ran away, at first it was just to get away from all the stares, but then I realized that nobody I knew was around. Taichi... I was so terrified, it felt like the whole world was out to hurt me, you know... and I was so happy to bump into Daisuke. If I hadn't, I don't know what I would have done." I buried my face in my hands, so ashamed and embarrassed at feeling like that, at showing how much of a wimp I am. "That's why I haven't gone out much lately... I'm scared at the whole fucking world... I can't step out of the house without wondering if I'm going to get hurt again today. And then there's all the memories... and the nightmares... and headaches that I have to put up with because the pills make me feel even worse... and... and... I'm just a fucking messed up freak. Okay? I told you every fucking thing, I'm a gay freak who has been raped and have had all my pride and... and soul ripped out of me... You happy to hear that? Are you?" By now I was yelling, my face contorted in anger. I don't know why I'm acting so selfish, and I know he's not happy to hear that, but I'm just so mad at the whole thing.
Taichi's face was a mixture of disbelief, guilt and hurt. I can't believe I'm yelling at him like this, it's not his fault, I guess it's just because I've been holding it in for so long now. When he just sat there staring in shock at my out burst, I couldn't stand it anymore, I was about to burst into tears again, but hated to be so weak in front of him. If he didn't think I was a wimp before, he sure did now. Jumping up off of the couch as another headache started up, I ran to my room and slammed the door before belly flopping onto my bed and burying my head in the pillows. My head started pounding, worse than last night. I shouldn't have gotten so worked up, it just makes it worse. The sobs tore out of my throat before I could stop them, and I squeezed my eyes shut against the pain in my head and heart. Shit, it hurts so much, and even holding my head tight between my hands to keep it from moving didn't help. It felt about to explode with the pain, and I couldn't help crying out.
Suddenly I was lifted up and held against a warm body as Taichi's voice came over the pounding in my ears. He rocked me slowly, and I could feel his own salty tears on the back of my neck. I couldn't think against all the pain, and cried against his shirt trying to get rid of it, but the sobs just made it worse. He pulled me away, and I tried desperately to get back into his warmth, but he smoothed back my hair and held me with the other hand. He's always so much stronger than me. My eye's were tightly shut, blocking out the painful light, but I felt his hand trying to open up my mouth. After a few minutes I managed to unclench my teeth long enough for him to shove in a couple of pills. I swallowed them dry, then was let back against Taichi. He held me tight and resumed his rocking while talking soothingly about nothing in particular. Taichi has a special calming affect which helps me to get through almost anything. Slowly the pain resided a little, and I lay limply in my love's arms, gasping for air. That had to be one of the worst migraines yet, and I couldn't believe that I was still alive and that my head hadn't burst like a melon.
Slowly my mind drifted away from reality, and I felt comfortable and protected in my Taichi's embrace. Just as I slipped off into darkness, exhausted from the over exciting day, I felt his soft lips against my forehead and his whisper of love.
~*~
Usually after someone pours out their feelings, let's another know their deepest fears and secrets, they feel so much better, like a huge weight has been lifted off their shoulders. All the built up anger and fear as been let out in a big relief. But for some reason, that wasn't my case when I woke up. I guess maybe I felt a little better, and was thankful for Taichi slipping me those pills last night, keeping away my nightmares, but the emptiness was still there. So I had told him everything, that still didn't make any of it better. My virginity, soul, and heart were still lost, and I would still have those nightmares and headaches. I was still scared of the world and I still hated closed spaces. Nothing had changed. It felt like I was slipping, slipping off the edge of a deep, dark pit and was unable to get a grip, about to plummet into darkness any second. I wanted to get out, to feel the firm ground again, believe me, but it seemed that every time I got a tighter hold, something would push me back again, further and further. I'm afraid, so afraid, that any moment I will lose my strength and be lost forever.
I must have been lying there for quite awhile, half asleep, trying to push down these awful feelings, before my senses finally started to return. I could feel limp, strong arms wrapped loosely around my body, holding me in comfort, and could feel a soft, warm breath against the back of my neck, lifting my hairs slightly. Taichi. I couldn't believe he stayed the whole time with me, for me. How could he put up with me? Especially how I acted yesterday, he's incredible. If anything was keeping me from falling, it was him. Maybe he was my only support. If he wasn't here, if he left me, I don't know if I could...
No, don't think of that right now, clear your mind of all those death thoughts. Blinking against the morning sunlight, I open my eyes and stare out across my room. I really should think about cleaning it soon, that'd give me something to do. By the smell, it was not going to be a pleasant job... maybe it could wait for awhile. Then my thoughts shift to the other smell coming through the cracks of my door, smells of pancakes and eggs and maybe even bacon! Suddenly I am actually feeling hungry. That's something, I haven't had much of an appetite for weeks now, but it smells so good...
"Taichi?" I whisper over my shoulder, mouth watering slightly. "Taichi!" giving him a small nudge I slip around in his arms to face him directly.
"Huh? Wha...?" His beautiful brown eyes slowly crack open, staring out unfocused and sleepy. "mmm... Angel," He mumbles, tightening his arms around me.
Then he closed his eyes again, about to go back to sleep. Sighing gently, I glare at him in mock anger, knowing one way to get him up. Quickly I close the few inches between our faces, and give him a hard, deep kiss straight on. Taichi's eyes snapped back open, fully this time, and he pulled me in tight against him, not letting our lips break contact. After only a few seconds I feel him slightly open his lips and his tongue against my own lips, seeking entry. I part my lips, and he slips his tongue in, pushing it against mine, and running it over the roof of my mouth. I love the feel of his warm lips against mine, of his tongue dancing easily with my own. This is what I live for now, for his love. And he's so gentle with me, even if he does get a little impatient sometimes. Just as we started really lip sucking, the breakfast smells ran through my nose again, reminding me exactly why I was kissing him in the first place. I gently pulled back from his mouth and stuck a hand up when he tried to follow.
Pouting a bit, Taichi gave me his cute glare, "Stop teasing me! What's up with you?"
I just give him a small grin back, and tell him simply, "I'm hungry."
For a few moments, Taichi just stares at me, blinking a couple of times as if I were crazy. "You're... hungry? Really? Well I..." Then he stopped, eyes widening as he took a sniff of the air, "My god! Why didn't you tell me there was food! Come on, let's go see what's up!" Eagerly Taichi jumped out of bed, pulling me behind him.
Just as we were about to open the door, it opened itself and a blonde head poked through. When he saw Taichi standing there with me in his arms, he gave us an uncertain smile, "Uh... hey guys. I, um, made breakfast for you." Taichi didn't say anything, but when I looked at him, he was glaring at my brother. Takeru continued, "I just... wanted to apologize, for yesterday and all. Tai... I really didn't mean any of that...honest. And I'm sorry for the whole pill and yelling thing Matt." He looked at us so pleadingly that I forgave him right then and there. He was my brother after all, so I never can hold a grudge against him. And I know Takeru didn't mean much yesterday, he was just upset and defending his boyfriend.
After minutes of silence, Taichi finally asked in a cold tone, "Do you have eggs and potatoes out there?"
"Um... yeah... along with pancakes, bacon and real maple syrup" Takeru answered uncertainly, wondering like me about the way Taichi was acting.
Then Taichi grinned widely, much to our surprise, "Good, then your forgiven. Can we go eat now, please?" He said cheerfully.
Takeru and I stared at him in shock, before we both burst out laughing. Leave it to Taichi to let his stomach make everything all right to him. He just watched us with a hurt expression, "What?" He asked, making us laugh harder. I held my stomach, the only thing keeping me from falling to the ground was Taichi's arm around my waist. It felt so good to laugh like this, it had been so long since I had and meant it. After more minutes of our outburst, Taichi finally got too impatient and went for the door, dragging me along with him.
Taichi plopped me in a chair as I calmed down and wiped away a few tears, then he grabbed a plate, piled it with every kind of food on the stove, then slid it in front of me. He smiled, "Eat, your getting too thin." Then he went to obtaining his own breakfast, which piled three times as high as my own plate. Takeru came up behind me and we watched Taichi in astonishment as he shoveled the food into his bottomless stomach. Finally I turned around and started taking small bites of my own meal. Takeru sat down beside me with his plate of food.
"So where's your walking stomach lover?" I grinned around a forkful of eggs, making conversation with my quiet brother.
Takeru shrugged and grinned back, "I told him I couldn't supply nearly enough food for both him and Tai. I don't know where they put it all! He also had to go shopping for a new soccer shirt, since he tore his other one. I offered to go with him, but he told me to come over here and make up with you guys because he had to play on the same team as Tai and didn't want a stupid argument to ruin their so called team abilities."
I gave a small snort, starting on some of the crisp bacon, "At least the cooking lessons I gave you paid off."
"Heh, that's for sure." We went on talking about how much our boyfriends were alike, and small things in our lives long after we finished eating, me leaving over half of my meal as Taichi had given me so much. Taichi of course pulled that over in front of himself and polished it off, even after having three more helpings before that. Takeru told me that Dad was off at the office because of some technical difficulties with the tv equipment and might not be back until late. I wasn't very surprised over that of course, dad was always off working.
It wasn't until around one when Takeru left. We said our good-byes, then I went over and collapsed on the couch, exhausted after all that talk and actually feeling full for once. Taichi stood in front of me, "Hey, I'm going to use the shower, you going to be okay?"
"Of course I'm going to be okay. I'm in my own home you know." I snapped, suddenly feeling a small surge of anger. I know he's just being all concerned again, but he doesn't have to think that I can't be alone in my own house. I didn't look at Taichi, feeling bad about my outburst, but I could feel the hurt in his eyes.
"Oh, all right then. Can I borrow some of your clothes?" I nodded and he left. In a few minutes I could hear the water running in the bathroom and a door slam shut. I'm sorry Taichi, I didn't mean to make you upset, I'm just really feeling out of sorts lately. My good mood from breakfast faded quickly, leaving me with a depressed feeling. What was wrong with me? I wish I knew, I really shouldn't be acting like this. I mean, it happened months ago, I should be starting to get over it by now. I remember Taichi telling me once that I was made of ice, stubborn and solid as a rock but even the smallest chisel would break me at some point, chipping away at my defenses until there was nothing left of me. That attack was a big blow, shattering me in one hit. It just wasn't fair! Why'd it have to happen to me? Out of all people walking around that night, I just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. If only I had left for home earlier, or had gone straight home in the first place. If only... But it had happened, and it was no use thinking about what I could have done instead.
The dark feeling was starting to take over me again. I couldn't stand it, it felt like I was drowning, unable to surface for air. And all the while, that terrible emptiness was inside of me, never growing, but never leaving. What would it take to fill it up? No... I shouldn't be thinking about that, it only makes it worse. I need to take my mind off of it. Quickly standing up, I make my way over to the kitchen and turn on the tap, watching the cool water gush out of the nozzle. I grab a dirty plate from the counter top and hold it under the stream, rinsing it and setting it aside for a good washing later. I take another one, rinse it, then another, mechanically keeping my arms in motion and my mind blank. I don't dare think about anything, don't want the empty feeling to slip into my mind again. I just keep my eyes trained on the rising steam from the now hot water, not even noticing how it's burning my hands. Another plate rinsed of food chunks and syrup, now to start with the cups. Blank mind, no thoughts, no pain. I ignore the way the pain is tearing me up inside, ignore the darkness eating away at my soul and the way the fear is taking over my mind. Just concentrate at the task at hand.
"Yama-chan?" Ignore that distracting voice, I have to tune out the world. It only brings me pain and fear. I know I'm closing my self up again, settling myself deep in my mind away from reality, but I need to... I can't stand the emptiness. I don't even notice that he's beside me until my hand is pulled away from the burning water. Blankly I stare down at his hand holding my two, inspecting the way my hands are bright red from the heat. He reaches over and turns the hot water down, testing it until it's at a cool temperature and puts my hands back under it, washing away the pain. Slipping his other arm around my waist, he pulls me against him, "Oh Yama... I'm so sorry..." his breath tickles my ear, making me shiver with pleasure.
My thoughts are still scrambled, my mind still mostly blank, but I can think well enough to know I enjoy the way Taichi is holding me. Leaning my head into his chest, I listen to his strong heart beat and somehow it reassures me. Dazed, I stay tight in his grip and watch contentedly as he rubs my reddened hands gently under the cool water, soothing their burning. Then he takes them both in his hand, his hand is so much bigger than one of my own, and kisses them lightly before wiping them off with his shirt. "There... all better Love." Taichi drops my hands to my side and wraps me in a large, warm hug, letting me snuggle into his shoulder while he rests his chin on my head. His scent is of the lilac soap and fruity shampoo he had just used, and I take a deep breath of it as I start to come back to my senses. "I wish I could do more to help," Taichi mumbles into my hair, "You really scared me, with that distant look in your eyes like you were in some far off place. And I somehow doubt it was a happy place. I just... feel so useless..."
His deep sigh makes me tilt my head up, and I can see a great sadness and fear in his eyes, fear for me. When he sees me looking, he smiles, relief showing clearly, and his eyes light up. Staring into those melting chocolate orbs, I give him a tiny smile to show him I was okay, "You're not useless Taichi... you're wonderful." I could feel the tension drain out of him a bit, and he gave me his trademark grin.
"You're just saying that 'cause you're my Angel."
"No," I protest, "It's because I love you!"
Taichi just lets out a small grateful laugh, then slides his left hand under my thighs, lifting me up in his arms. Usually I would push away from something like this, the close contact and the feeling of being weak, but this time I decide I'm very comfortable in his safe arms, as he cradles me lovingly against his chest. "I know Yama-chan, and I love you, my beautiful golden haired sexy a-"
"Taichi!" I could feel heat crossing my cheeks and knew I was blushing fiercely. The things Taichi says! He's always calling my beautiful, or angel, and even sexy once in awhile, even though he knows how uncomfortable it makes me. I'm nowhere near an angel, and I don't think myself as beautiful, but of course I have to admit it does make me feel kind of special and warm inside when he calls me those things. Taichi was always one for praise, knowing just how to lift me out of depression.
Instead of saying anything, Taichi gives me a tender smile and carries me to the living room were he sits on the couch, letting me curl up on his lap. Resting my head against his chest, I feel pleasure run through me as he starts combing his gentle fingers through my hair, trailing his other hand up and down my back in a slow, soothing motion. His breath tickles my skin as he leans his head against mine, making my heart ache with love at his nearness. I feel so safe and secure in his arms, like nothing can hurt me here, no bad things can reach me while I have my Taichi holding me, protecting me. Relaxing, I let my mind drift as I happily doze in his embrace, both of us silent with the tranquil mood that has settled over us. While listening to his steady heart beat, it is then that I realize a difference inside of me. Something was missing... no, wait... something new was there. The hole inside of me seemed to have withdrawn for the moment. I could still feel where it was, or is, but it wasn't gaping open like it had before. There was something filling it, trying to make it disappear. It felt... so nice, shutting out the pain that had been there moments before.
Taichi shifted a bit beneath me, bringing my body into a more comfortable position, "Don't go to sleep Yama-chan," his voice mumbles, sounding as if he was the one about to fall asleep. I just nod against his chest, confused at the sudden elation inside of me. I try to think back, when had the emptiness disappeared? Where'd it go? I had been feeling it in full not more than twenty or so minutes ago, and now it is gone, or suppressed at least. It must have closed off when.... when Taichi got back out of his shower and had his arms around me... that's when it started to let me out of the darkness. And as I think even further back, I can recall other times when Taichi had brought me out, helped to keep me from drowning in the dark waters of my soul. Like yesterday, after the 'incident' when he held me after my breakdown, calming me until I could sleep, taking away my pain. I hadn't noticed then how the empty hole had faded away for those moments that he was with me, I only noticed how it was there when he was gone. I always knew he could take away my pain, help me through 'most anything, but could he replace what I had lost as well? Could just the way his strong arms held me, bringing our bodies together as one, telling me how much he loved me, calming me when I went out of control... could all those things heal the loss of what they stole from me?
"'love you, Yama..." His soft lips brush against my forehead, and his arms tighten slightly. I think... I think that maybe he can fill me up inside, pull me up from the edge of that dark bottomless pit, hang onto my hand when the waters become too rough for me to handle alone. As long as he...
"Taichi?"
"Mm? What is it love?"
"Never leave me, okay? Promise not to leave me alone forever?"
"Yama... I already did promise..."
"Promise me again... please?"
"I promise never to leave you, my Angel..."
Yes, I think I will be able to live longer now, with that knowledge that Taichi will always be around to help me. I know I will still have those times, maybe even every day, when those empty feelings will overwhelm me. Taichi can't be by my side 24-7, but he will always come back before long. He will always be around to hold me close when I need the comfort. And maybe one day, his love will fill me so completely that the hole will disappear for good, and I will never feel it again. His love... yes... that's what it is, that's why I don't feel so empty when he's close to me, don't feel the fear and pain inside.
Taichi's worried voice cuts through my thoughts, "Yama-chan? I can still go out to play soccer right? I mean, you'll only be without me for a couple of hours, and-" I stop him with a finger to his lips, soft laughter escaping my mouth.
"Of course Taichi, you goof..." Before I can get into any more of my name calling, his lips dodge around my fingers and are pressed against my own. I relax again, knowing Taichi would never hurt me, and we lay like that for awhile, just reveling in each other's warmth and our own pleasure at being together. When we finally part, I sigh in content, burying my head into his chest once again.
"Taichi?"
"Hmm?"
"I love you too."
(A/N) Okay, I know, very sappy ending, hehe, but hey,
it was alright... right?? Please Review!!! I don't know if I'll go
on with this one, since I have no idea where'd I go... If you really want
more then I'll need ideas!! Ja ne!
